Own up

Work has been busy. As I always say I'd rather be busy than bored. Busy is always good - makes you feel like you're earning your keep and being productive. But sometimes it gets stressful and exhausting so by the time I get home, I can't muster the energy to move off the couch. This week is "career week" at the office. The company is hosting a myriad of events and meetings to foster career development and growth and "culture change". I went to a couple of the meetings and came away with some surprises. Not the "your getting a raise!" kind of surprise but the one that makes you reevaluate how you operate at your job. I don't consider myself as strong a leader as some of my peers. However I know I have the skills to train, cooperate and assist my teammates as well as assist management. In some respects I like the role of follower because I want to get things done. I want to feel a sense of accomplishment. However, I also like to help get the ideas down. I like building the process that might be used for getting that thing done. Unfortunately there is no proper title for all that. Head lackey? Yea, I guess that works. I work hard, I have a strong work ethic, and I know I contribute. But these meetings have made me ask myself some tough questions.
For example, what is MY ownership of my own career? I think on a regular basis we all fall into that trap of, "well I do great work, so it's only a matter of time before my boss recognizes it and promotes me." The problem with this mentality is that's not todays workplace. 10 years ago maybe, but not now. The tech savvy generation is here and they expect shit before they even walk in the door. Now you really have to take charge of what you want. So all of yesterday and today I've been asking myself - HOW do I own my future? What steps do I take to make it clear that I consider myself a success, and therefore an asset to the company i work for? I decided the first thing is this: I need to change my attitude about what I'm due. I'm not "due" anything. If I want to exact change to my future at work, then I need to make time with my manager. I can not wait for her to come to me. That's not fair. As I've always said, I'm not a mind reader, and its unfair of me to expect her to be. How can she possibly know what I want if I don't say so? So, I made the first step today in "owning" my career by scheduling a meeting with her to discuss what path I'm on and what goals I want to reach. I guess I finally had a moment where I realized I need to be the one taking the reins here - I can't leave this up to others. I don't know what took me so long to realize this.
Today some of us participated in a meeting about "Culture Change". Different cross sections of the company coming together to discuss what we want our company to look like, what kind of company we want to work for, and what are WE as individuals going to commit to doing to facilitate this change? It was a good discussion, and an honest one. So it got me thinking about little, yet impactful things that I personally can do to contribute. Its a hard question to answer but truly the only real change happens when each person does something and then you can see change as a collective. One thing I've been doing is working my ass off at not getting dragged into negative commentary or petty, hurtful gossip, etc. with my team. Sometimes what gets said seeps into my ears an I just don't want to hear it. Sometimes, it's hard. We all have rough days, and we need to vent. I have close friends that I vent to, and it's necessary to move past the emotion and then focus on the good - but the problem with the negativity is that it breeds this defeatist attitude...All it takes is one person with this mindset. If enough people listen to it, and take it in, it's like a disease. It spreads and then the dissatisfaction level rises and then the thought of leaving a place you once loved is easy.
My venting is done outside of work with those close friends on a personal level, a different set of trust rules, and an entirely different environment. It's never mean or petty talk its blowing off steam and laughing till we can't breathe kind of venting.
I'm conciously deciding to stay out of my teams chattering ways. I love them. I work with awesome people. But I'm trying to focus on the customer - our customer by getting my work done and being present in my job. Like I said, it's NOT EASY. It's hard. But I'm doing it. Sure sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on things, but then again, what am I missing? Am I missing hearing cubemates tear someone up? Nah, that's not for me anyway. On the whole, I love everyone I work with, but I don't love the gossipy/negative chatter that prevents me from actually WORKING. So, this is one of my commitments. I need to come up with at least one other to email the leader of the meeting. I came away with some food for thought. I just need to kind of get out of my own way and take ownership of my life. and not just at work - at home as well.
Lately I feel sorta flat, like I'm walking on a path, in winter, with snowboots on. I mean that's a slow ass walk. I just don't know where the path is going, and where is the end? When do I get to stop walking? When can I rest and enjoy myself? I know it sounds grim, and I'm laughing about that description but I don't know how else to put it. Ever have days where you don't know how you got to work? Or you get through the day, come home and do your thing and yet you don't FEEL any of it? I know it's not depression - I know what that is and it's not that - it's just a general malaise that is aggravating me.
I think this career week thing has actually been more helpful than I expected. It's sorta kicked me in the ass a little to take some responsibility for myself and my future. No one else is going to do it for me. I just need to execute my intentions. That's always the hardest part.

**Side note, I got a Kindle. It was a gift from The Dork. I love it. I'm shocked that I love it. I'm a fan of books. Real live books that you can actually hold, touch and feel as you turn each page. I love the smell of books. I have two full bookshelves of books. But, on the other hand, I can't store all the books I have. I can't save them to a harddrive. I've already downloaded three books -
Augusten Burroughs "Magical Thinking"
John Sandfords latest in the "Prey" series (mystery)
and a classic - Sense and Sensibility
I'm almost done with Magical Thinking. I LOVE IT. Augusten is amazingly funny, and his tragic upbringing is incredible and heartrenching and yet he's made it all funny.
I love the fact that I have three books, in one place, that I can take anywhere and read - or with headphones it will read to ME!! Yes, I'm a dork, I know this.
Time to go read. My Kindle is waiting.

Wanting to wait and ready to run

I don't want much. I want someone, a man preferably to look me in the eyes, and show me that he wants me. I want to gaze back and return the desire given to me. I want to know where I stand without having to guess. I want to look in those eyes and feel like, at that moment, there is no where else he'd rather be than with me. Cause I've been in a place, where you look into the eyes of the one that you love more than anyone in the world and what you see is nothing. I've seen empty eyes with no want, no desire, no love left. It is a place I don't want to go to ever again if I can help it.
Some of these expectations of romance and love are born out of my natural romantic nature. But there is more to that. I grew up in a house in which my father adored my mother. Still does to this day, 41 married years later. She could ask for the moon and he'd find a way to get it for her. Mostly though she just asked (and still does on occasion) for ice cream from Baskin Robbin and he would go out and get it. Never mind that it was usually around 9 pm, he was tired from work, and needed sleep. Nope. Didn't matter. He'd say "tell me what you want and I"ll go." He never complained or even batted an eye. My father buys my mother flowers for no reason. The thing is he's ALWAYS done that. He hits the holidays, but he does it just because he wants her to be happy because he knows its something she loves. If she loves it, then so does he.
Of late my favorite story: my mom drove to Walmart to get a few things. She was feeling really tired by the end of the trip. She was not looking forward to loading everything in the car. She did not know that my father had gone out to run some errands. He had decided to help her out - he drove to Walmart, found my mother's car, parked near her's and waited. Waited for her to come out and loaded everything into the car for her. When people talk about a grand gesture, that is it. She told me later, "I'm so lucky. Your father is so good to me." Yup mom, you're right.
He leaves notes for her in the house telling her he loves her and that he will love her "always and forever". He tells me things like, "well, your mom is at the hair dressers, I hope she gets to relax and enjoy herself. That's all I want for her is to be happy." What does a child of such love do? How do I find the balance between the impossible and the reality? I'm not so delusional to think that they haven't had hardships, or fights, or near walkouts, because I know they have. But at the end of the day there is true companionship and commitment. They get it; but more specifically HE gets it. He understands that love is about giving of yourself without being asked to do it. Without being told, or cajoled or bullied. It's making a gesture because YOU WANT TO. Because you love someone so much that you feel you HAVE to. Compelled by your heart and your mind.
When Springsteen says, in the song "Drive All Night" - "I'd drive all night just to buy you some shoes" He's talking about a guy who is willing to do the grand gesture. He's willing to do the unusual if that is the wish of his lady. It doesn't mean he'd actually buy shoes (although I like to imagine he would, lol) it means he wants to go the distance to prove that their love is worth it.
I've always felt that I'm a open book and my heart on my sleeve. I say what I feel, even if it scares some away. There is no guessing with me. You always know how I feel cause I believe in saying so, and giving 100% to the person or people you love. So while I want the man in my life to be willing to tell me "I want you" or "I need you in my life" or "you're beautiful" I'm equally as willing to say it all right back if not more so. The street of romance is not one sided in my book. I'd also be happy with a "bless you" when I sneeze. I've always said I'm not looking for perfect it doesn't exist. But my standards are high and they fucking should be. My sister and I both have talked about how what we've grown up seeing has shaped the way we love and how we view love. We expect a lot because we know it's possible and it exists. Why strive for 3rd place?
So for now, I'm doing nothing. I'm in a holding pattern that is unsatisfying to say the least.

Oh and a side but related note: not getting enough sex has made me cranky. You know its an issue when the lawn boy mowing the office grass starts to take on epic placement in your daydreams. I was contemplating how to dump water on his head so he'd be forced to take off his shirt...yes that's right I live in the gutter thank you very much. I like it here. ;) Every remotely good looking guy I see in a truck starts to look good to me and I start wondering and wandering....I have a guys mind some days...

and on a totally unrelated note:
I read Eat, Pray, Love. I swear she wrote it for me, and it was an eyeopener. Has also made me think some more about meditation. Ah, but that's another blog entry...
Night kids.


Wanting to wait and ready to run

Maybe in a week
or a month
or a year you'll be ready.
Ready to open your mouth
and speak like you mean it.
Maybe in month
or a year
you'll look me in the eyes
and give me certainty
desire
and want.
Maybe in an hour
a day
or a week
I'll run far and free
till I find the future that
satisfies my mind
and my heart.

My past meets the future

One step up two steps back. I think that's a Springsteen song. It's kind of how I feel today. and yesterday. Let me start at the beginning -
My ex and his girlfriend are in the process of moving back into the house that my ex and I bought together many years ago. While, in theory, I"m fine with this, in reality it's wrecking a bit of havoc with my mind and my heart. I knew the time would come when I'd walk back into that house, I'd see abby in it, I might even be hanging out by the pool again. It's been two years since I've set foot on the property let alone the house. Abby was dying to see her dad, and I'm never a bitch about that. Her father is important to her, and if she wants to see him I will do whatever I can to make that happen just as I know he'd do the same for me. So I called him up, and I brought abby over. I knew that this day would come eventually and I'd have to face the past and see the future all at the same time. You don't think this kind of shit will affect you when it's been over two years. I was thinking to myself, "No big deal. Who cares. It's only a house. It's like a new place. It's not yours anymore. You're so over it." I am over it. I'm over all of it, but it doesn't mean that the memories and the moments don't sink back into the grey matter. I walked in the house and it's been cleaned, and its painted and looking fresh and new. New like it did the first time. It wasn't so much the way the house looked, or being inside it that affected me, it was the entire concept of seeing my past and viewing a future all at the same time. I can remember us laughing about all the idiotic things the original owner had done. All the plans we had...the flowers I planted. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a little surreal.
The ex and I will always be special to each other, we created life and that bond never disappears; but we weren't meant to be. I know he's in love and happy with the girlfriend. She's nice, I like her. We get along quite well funny enough. But I can't help but feel like I"m watching my life all over again. Logically I know that's stupid. I know that's not possible. But still I feel like I"m watching a movie and the actors are the same.
I was fine while I was there, and it does look nice. I got back to my apartment, and I was feeling calm about it, and yet I started to feel sad. Sad for all the things that never were, sad for what died, and just plain sad. I kept it together and didn't cry for a few hours. Later I did. While talking to the boyfriend. Bringing his hammered state (he's in CA with his best friend) to a grinding halt. I couldn't help it. I heard his voice and I just melted and couldn't quite keep it together anymore. I told him it was hard. Harder than I thought it would be. He understood.
I know next time, (and yes there will be a next time I'm sure) I'll be totally fine. In the back of my mind somewhere I knew this first pass through the house would be tough. I guess I somehow glazed over that when I drove over there yesterday. I somehow thought it would not matter. That was dumb. Of course it matters. It's my past, it was my life for about 8 years. You can't erase the bits that cause you pain and in turn joy. They coexist together and you can choose which to feel but they never go away. They heal, they scab over, but really it's all just under the surface.
I shed a tear or two for the past, for the things I missed about that place. I'll get over it, I'll move on and someday I'll be in a house again (I hope) and new joyful events will occur that fill my heart with peace. Right now, it's just hard. and you know, I don't want them to not be excited or happy. They should be. It's a new start for them both together. They have every right to be happy and in love. So I'm not trying to shit on anyone's parade. I'm just getting used to the idea that my past, my history is not really my own to cart around. It's been reopened and repurposed. Abby has no recollection of ever being there. She shouldn't she was a baby when she was there. It's all new for her which is great. I want it to be fun for her and a great experience. I know it was for me.

Elephants above me

I need to gripe. I live in an apartment building. 4 floors. I'm on the 3rd. Now I'm well aware that part of the "joy" of apartment living is that there are occasions where you will hear your neighbors. I myself have a child so I'm sure the people living below me have had to endure the running feet of my child. However my kid is in bed by 9!!!
The neighbors above me frequently stop around, and let their child run and jump as if he's having sugar fits. and sometimes it's at 11 at night....REALLY?!?! Doesn't your kid need to go to bed? Don't they need their sleep?!?! Cause I fucking do! As I type this, it's now 9:56. It sounds like a bowling match is going on up there. I have been that tenant that bangs on the ceiling only once. They drive me crazy. It makes me miss having a house.
I used to live in a house when I was married. It wasn't big, it was sorta small actually, but I did love it. I decorated it the way I wanted the house to feel to guests who walked in the door. Many friends had told me that the kitchen felt like home - like their grandmothers house. Which was fine with me, cause I wanted it to be a place where you could sit down and relax, have a chat, cup of tea, etc. The backyard was great, with a pool. We had a lot of fun there. I planted a ton of flowers, all of which i loveingly cared for. Granted after abby it was harder to do, and as the marriage fell apart, so did a lot of other things. But I miss having my own space. You know what I'm talking about - you leave work, drive home, and as you pull in the driveway, you feel yourself relax and are thankful that you are home. Thats something I miss. Having a back yard to lounge in. A grill!! I miss having a fucking grill! I miss making steak, and hot dogs and all those awesome things that only taste good on a grill. I miss SILENCE. God not having to hear the fucking elephants above me would be awesome.
Someday, I'll have another house. Someday I'll have the things I dream about when I fall asleep. It sounds overly romantic - and you all know how I am about romance - but it's true. I dream of a walk in closet, and a real soaking tub. Some people dream about other things, I on occasion dream of closets and tubs. Then sex. or sometimes the other way around...ANYWAY...the point here is that I want a home again. I'd like it to be with the boyfriend and his kids. They make me happy - HE makes me happy. I think he would like that as well even though he may not know how to say that to me.
Although, he did tell me he likes me more than cheese...lol

A Poem

I don't really know where this came from. Honestly, I wrote this at work. lol I think its a combination of things - thinking of the past and some stuff I saw on TV. The point is, I like the way it came out.

Sides 7/28/2010

My brain is not in alignment with my body.
My body is making the case that you
are worth the risk.
You are air,
breathe deep and slow for survival.
My mind speaks in judgement and disapproval.
How can you behave like a common girl?
How can you be torn between right and wrong?
Are my definitions defunct?
Does the tried and true no longer apply?
At one point, you just do a thing -
or so a friend once told me.
Which thing is what addles my brain,
curls my toes,
and goosebumps my neck.

Eating better sucks

I know that you all are about say, "you'll get used to it..it's not that bad!" Bullshit. It sucks. The things I enjoy eating are all porportedly terrible for me. Cheese, bacon, ham, chocolate, cool whip, ice cream and tiramisu. Starbucks is crack and Dairy Queen is hell.

I'll back up a bit.

I talked in an earlier post about the fact that I know I need to make some lifestyle changes. For a long time, a couple years at least, I've been eating with reckless abandon. Shoving whatever I felt like eating in my mouth. While that's been enjoyable, it really hasn't been good for my hips and ass. Some of this behavior was born out of anxiety/depression from a shitty job right to the divorce. I think over the last few months I've given my life greater thought. I don't mean "why am I here?" type thought I mean concious thinking about the direction my health is going. I think a fair amount of this has been brought about by watching the changes in my parents. My mom is getting used to dealing with diabetes, and my father is struggling with his hip/back pain. I guess I"m seeing first hand that I am no longer at an age where "later" is an option. I either do it now or don't bother.

One of my friends has had some success with a free website in which you can track your food intake - calories, fat, carbs all that happy horse shit. SO, for the past week, I have done my best to not only track my food, but be honest. It's one thing to say you ate a ham and cheese sandwich on whole wheat - its quite another to admit you ate chips and had 3 glazed munchkins for a snack AFTER breakfast. So, I"m trying to be honest. I'm trying to see why I'm making the choices I"m making, and figure out how to stop mindless eating. Buddhists always talk about being in the moment, living life in the present. I'm trying to be mindful of what goes in my mouth. I'm hoping by seeing the actual calories of each item it'll force me to make different choices. I think it'll work. It'll take time. I'm not in a rush this time. I'm not going totally cold turkey, and frankly, if I really want a piece of chocolate I'm fucking having it. I've never been someone who can live life devoid of sweets. It's the moderation part that I need to change. If I can master that, I think I might actually be successful. I'm also afraid to talk about it. Is that wierd? I think there have been so many times in the past where I've done so much gabbing about my goals, plans, etc. and then when it whithers out, I feel like a failure.

I remember one time, I had come home from the gym, and I had felt pretty good about what I had done. My ex turned to me and said, "well, let's see if you keep it up; you haven't before." It was like somebody punched me in the stomach. All the talking up I'd done to myself was gone in one second. Disappeared. The thing is he had no idea the mental struggle with myself to actually GO to the gym, let alone the mental gymnastics to say "HOORAY! YOU DID IT!" over and over again so I'd feel like I did something instead of feeling like an idiot.
I don't think I was strong enough or knew how to ignore what he said and just keep on exercising and move forward. I felt defeated and more to the point I BELIEVED I was a failure. Why try - you'll never get any better was what the voice in my head said to me. It's almost like you have to separate out what is true, and what is false in your brain. (I know it sounds awfully new agey, bear with me) The negative voices need to be called out for what they are- negative voices and then I need to find a way to believe in myself. To truly believe that I have the ability to be better than I am right now. That's a tough one. It's been a long time since I truly believed in myself. I've done things out of sheer will and refusal to break down, but not because I believed I could do it. It was more out of a survival and "i have no fucking choice" mentality. To have faith in myself is a much more complex animal. It is a different kind of achievement. A different mindset. A "lifestyle change" as they call it.

I've been at this a full week. I've done pretty good with a false start here and there... and I've lost 1 pound. That pound needs to represent success. Each pound now needs to represent success and has to begin to foster a belief in myself that I am successful.
Almost like a daily affirmation.
Christ if I start talking into a mirror and saying "I'm good enough, I"m smart enough and dammit people like me!" someone put me out in a field with the cows.

Do I look like an idiot to you?

Interesting little tale to tell that happened about a year ago but resurfaces again this week. Yeah the douchebags are out again. Must be summer.
I've talked before about the whole online dating thing and the vapidness that exists there. I have met some really nice people through those sites but I've also met a mixed bag of idiots. For a short time I was on a single parent dating site. The idea being that while sometimes tough to date a parent with kids, here, at this site, you can meet a likeminded soul...or bump into the soulless if that's your ilk.
One day i got a message from a seemingly normal man.( I know, I've said this before and somehow I continue to give people the benefit of the doubt.)
He said he was english and had moved to the US about a year before. Working to provide a better life for his son - who was living in England with his mother. WHAT? that alone confused me, and some of the other nice things he said to me seemed to pat. I couldn't put my finger on it, but my gut was talking to me and I've learned to listen. So for entertainment purposes I played along. I figured it might be fun to see what other crap he had to say.
Sure enough, as days passed his life story got more weepy. Then out of nowhere I got, "I need to fly to England my mother is sick." So at this point I'm wondering when the extortion question will appear. Sure enough, within a day I get this message: "I need $600 for special cancer medications for my mother. I'm sure WE'LL figure it out. Let me know how much you can send me." I was laughing. Cause I knew this was coming. It's funny how even online you can feel the deceit a mile away. I was also laughing cause if he had really known me, he would have known I was the last person anyone would ask for money from. lol
I responded by letting him know he was a complete moron and I wouldn't be giving him any money. He goes, "you seem mad." At that point I gave him the go pound sand speech.
Just the other day this man showed up on facebook of all places. He showed up in my "suggestions" list. I ignored it. Then I get a message this week that goes like this:

"Hi Princess,
How are you doing ? How long have you joined this site and how long have you been single ? Whatcha looking for on here ? I am single and i am looking for a serious and long term thing. I have been single for the past 4years since i lost my ex. Distance and age means nothing to me in seeking for the right woman. get back to me if you are still interested in me. Stephen"

So as you see, some of the text is choppy, the story is off, and he's now using a completely different name than before!! But the complete dope that he is, he's using the SAME photo he used on the single parent dating site. Idiot. Here's my response.

"hmm..this is amusing. So now your name is Stephen? I seem to recall from prior emails I have that your name was "John Petkus". You obviously aren't a very good criminal because you are using the exact same photo as you did when you were "John".

I'm currently in a relationship with a real man, someone who truly treats me with respect, kindness and love.

So, to answer your question - no I'm not interested in you Stephen...or whatever your name is."

Needless to say I haven't heard back. lol I think what I find most sad is there are women out there who likely have fallen for whatever sob story he's made up and have actually sent him money not knowing at all who they are dealing with - a low life criminal. It is one thing to want to meet someone and have a lasting relationship. When you are driven to find a relationship, and its all based on a feeling desperateness, that is when you leave yourself open for hunters.
I've been lucky to have found a real relationship that started with an online conversation. For many, it is not that successful.
Just remember ladies, if they ask for your credit card they aren't interested in how you feel about politics, the movies or sex. You are only a money score. But good luck. Good men do exist online - there just happens to be a boatload of shit to wade through.

Stuffed head

It's been far to long since I've posted. I think that would explain why my head feels so stuffed.
Here's the catchup - the exboyfriend is no longer the ex. We're back together. It's actually better than the first time. He's the new and improved dork. He is making tremendous effort to show that he wants me in his life, and that we mean something to each other. He's prioritizing at work, and acting more like management now, and carving out time for a life. Life is much more important than work - Even though work allows you to have that life.
So he invited he on a work trip to Boston - I knew that he would be working hard both days, with little or no contact until 6pm, but I was ok with that. I knew it was a big deal for him to invite me to something that is personal and professional, and that so clearly makes him excited and happy. He loves what he does. The owner was not to thrilled at first about me going, but the dork(as I sweetly refer to him) stuck up for me, for us, and said, "She's going. end of discussion." Points in the positive column..I walked around a city that I love. I was by myself and didn't care. I'm so used to a little 4yr. old going, "mommy,mommy, mommy.." that at first it was odd to be alone and not have anyone to answer to. That is a rarity these days. I bought an almond croissant, sat on a park bench with a good book and read in the sunshine. Another rarity. It was heaven. Later, after walking Newbury St. for a long while, I went back to the Hotel and took a long bubble bath. Now here is something I love to do but never get to do. To sit in hot water and empty your head is an underrated pastime.
I was thinking a lot about our relationship and how we're going to get to a place where we are under the same roof. That is going to take work, and planning and discussions. Like, where? how far? how close? Mass or CT? If it was just me it'd be easy. But it's not. That decision will take a lot of time and may be a year in the making at least, but being who I am, 30 steps ahead, I'm turning it over and over in my mind so it makes sense to me. Wrapping my mind around all the possibilities that work for everyone. Cause see when you're married with kids, these questions aren't an issue. When you're single with no real responsibilities, these aren't issues. But when divorced, and you have kids, it becomes more cumbersome to move forward. I think in some ways that frustrates me...and then I feel selfish for wanting happiness in my life. I want to just pick up and go be with him, all kids under the same roof, but I know its not that easy and I get mad sometimes that it isn't that easy. I have a child that I adore so then I beat myself up for wanting something for ME. She is the most important thing in my life. Having a child means you make sacrifices. You give up things that were once important to you so they can be the best person they can be. But isn't part of our responsibility to our kids to be happy ourselves? Don't we need to show them how to live our best life so they have a model to go by? I don't know I get torn between what I want and what I'm supposed to give up. Striking a balance between who I am and what I represent to my child is....exhausting at times. Worth it always, but its tiring. Parenthood is no joke.
Speaking of parenting I was thinking the other day about all the things I'm expected to know as a mom and have an answer for. "Mom, why is that guy on the roof of that building?" "I think he's fixing the air conditioner." (I have no fucking idea really, but good guess no?) "Mom, what does that sign say?" "It says Donate your car for cash." "Mom why is that kid crying?" "I don't know abby I'm guessing he's overtired...like you." (I loved that one.) Not to mention all the "What does that mean?" questions and the "Why?" questions...I love it and loathe it. Is that wrong? I guess not; part and parcel of being a parent. The job is rewarding at the same time as its heavy. The constant questions about the world around her are flying out her mouth at breakneck pace. I explained yesterday the difference between saying "geese" and "goose". I can tell she got it which amazes me. I dread the day she starts asking me math questions. (Math and I are not friends.) Thank god I have a couple of wonderful friends who are math smarties. They'll come in handy....lol

and lastly, I have a long time friend who is basically giving me an ultimatum even though she says she isn't. I have likely mentioned before that I hate drama. I'm a low maintenance kind of girl. I've known this person for at least 15 years. She and I go back to college days. At the time she was outrageous and carefree, with much of the world in front of her. Many of my friends just thought she was a bitch, and basically figured she's a little crazy. For whatever reason, her and I clicked. We got along on so many levels. She made me laugh, we were able to talk about anything, and we shared the same love of music. We both wrote poetry, and I always admired the way in which she could speak aloud and not worry what other people thought of her. Although it is possible she needed the attention and that is why she was so outwardly crazy. In any event, our lives moved forwards - or at least mine did. I got married, got a job, got a house, had a child, got divorced and here I sit..in my own apartment and in another relationship. I've dated, I've made new friends and kept some of the dearest ones close. She has basically lived a stagnant life that is essentially of her own making. Some things out of her own control but others not so much. She gets in her own way all the time. No matter how much contact I had with her it was and is never enough. She feels that I do not pay enough attention or interest in her life to call her every so often, and that if I did care I would do that. As I have told her time and again, I have never been the type of friend who calls someone daily, or even weekly. I'm terrible at picking up the phone and calling someone. All my friends know this about me. I'm a complete pain in the ass when it comes to keeping in regular contact. It doesn't mean I don't care, you aren't on my mind, or you don't matter to me. All of my friends mean the world to me and there have been many days where my friends have helped me stand up and move forward. I am frustrated by this situation. No one I"m friends with understands why we are friends. I feel like I'm on a sinking ship. Do I hold on to this friendship just because it's 15 years old or do I accept the fact we've outgrown each other? Which is ultimately what i think is happening. Maybe I am the asshole. I just don't know right now. This whole thing is weighing on me and I don't even know what to say or do anymore. Her and I have had the same conversation more than once over the years. I try to be better, I try to engage more, and give more of my time, more of me than I already give, and then I slip back into old behavior patterns. As much as I love her, she can be exhausting. I have a career, a child, a boyfriend now and everything else that makes up life.
If I was the only friend that theses issues were with, then I'd likely say it's partly on me (and it still may be). However she has alienated and pushed away many others from her life because she cannot accept that they don't elevate their behavior to her own. I'm not talking about aquaintances either, I'm talking about people she's known for a long, long time. If she feels our friendship is to one sided, then that is her choice to feel that way - in some respects I do understand where she is coming from. She is the one who initiates phone calls; I've admitted being rotten at keeping up that end of the bargain. But my question is, so because I don't call that means I don't care? That means I don't feel in my heart that you matter in my life?? I'm not sure of the right answer here. I have friends I don't talk to often at all but I think of them daily and if they called me tomorrow/today and needed something I would do whatever I could to help. I'm not perfect, I've made my share of mistakes or screwups when it comes to friendships, but the people I care about hold special places in my heart and always will.
You would think, at almost 37 I wouldn't have to deal with this shit anymore. I just loathe drama of all sorts and disguises.

The winds are blowing in a different direction

I've been hiding. Sometimes I forget that it's possible to hide from yourself but I always end up being really good at doing it. lol But before I get to that, I need to update you on my life.

So. The ex boyfriend. Well, he's back. Sort of. I went to Northampton to visit him before his trip to Madrid. I haven't had that comfortable and easy of a day in a long time. My child and his children get along great. I love his kids. He loves Abby. We like each other. If a stranger saw us they would think we were a family. It was a great day and a hard day all at the same time. We get on so well and make each other laugh and set each other at ease. We parent the same way. Which sometimes can be tough. you meet someone great and then you watch the way they treat their kids and you are instantly turned off. At the end of this great day, Abby and I drove home. After she was in bed, I listened to some music, and I cried. I cried for a number of reasons but the biggest was that what I wanted was RIGHT THERE. Right in reach. Have you ever seen your future? I mean literally felt it deep inside? Like knowing something so completely that you can't know anything else? That's as close as I can describe how I felt when I came home that night. You know, looks fade. People change and turn into different pretty versions of what they were. But being able to have a true mental connection with someone is rare. That lasts. That sustains when all else disappears. We have that. So my frustration continued.
He left for Madrid. He called me and we talked. He had tons of time on the plane to think about life, about us, and he admitted to me that he is "totally crazy about me." the thing I've been waiting to hear for months. We talked for two hours and realized that we don't know how we're going to make it work, but that we miss each other. We don't like not being together. We want to be together. So the questions come. One after another in my mind. Big changes will happen. and it may be a year in the making, but the how seems sorta overwhelming, but I can't picture any other future in which he's not in it. Does that mean I'm in love? Is that what that means? It's been so long since those emotions existed in my heart. The past few years have been so clouded with pain. and frankly to think back to those days with the ex-husband and the bliss it brought me is still sometimes painful. Not in a way that cripples me, that's long since over, but it makes me wistful and grey.
The Dork, as I sweetly refer to him (and him to me), we have much more to talk about. But I do feel like a weight has been lifted off my heart. At least now I feel a little more settled. Even if I have no idea what the plan is. Funny how a couple weeks ago I wanted a direction or plan. Now I have a direction, no plan and I'm more relaxed. How does that fucking compute??

On another note, this weekend mom and I took Abby to Jersey City to see my sis and her roommates. All of us trekked into NYC to the Central Park Zoo. Abby was amazing. Seeing things through her eyes was fun. It was her first ride on the subway, and it seemed to her like a amusement park ride. Even hardened New Yorkers smiled at her and laughed. The hotel was great "Mommy are we still living at the hotel?" The Amtrak ride down was a thrill..and she was so well behaved. A complete trooper. It was great to see my sister and her roommates. My sis seems happy. I wish she would tell me more, but I don't push. I learned a long time ago it's pointless. I always figure if wants to tell me something, she will. I will wait. I just trust her judgement and love her lots. :-)

One odd thing that happened was that I had a minor panic attack on the escalators to the Path Train. So strange. I never really understood a Panic Attack. I do now. I mean its a fucking escalator. But I cannot explain how it felt. They were very steep and 4 deep. I looked up, and all I could think about was what would happen if I fell. I pictured myself injured, in pain, and screaming. It was horrid. That was it. I white knuckled the entire ride. After I went up and down those twice, I needed the elevator. I just couldn't do it. I don't think I've ever had that experience in my life. I literally had to do breathing exercises to get through it. Anyone nearby would have thought I was fighting off contractions. So, the whole topic of anxiety meds is back on my table. More decisions to be made. It was windy this weekend and I think that is an omen. For what, I don't know. Shocker huh?

Love is hard

That's a song title by James Morrison - the title is pretty self explanatory. Love does just what he says it does. Rips you up and spits you out.

For those of you who've watched "The Way we Were" you know how it ends right? The two lovers of different political leanings and backgrounds, who loved each other fiercely and with passion don't end up together. Every time I watch that movie I hope for a different result. I know the ending, I even understand WHY they can't be together. But I always want it to turn out differently. It never does. "Carlito's Way" is another movie in which I always want the end to turn out better. I want Carlito to live in paradise with his woman, to be the kind of man he feels he is in his heart. But they won't let him have that. I guess lately I've been hoping for a different outcome to my love life and amazingly enough it has yet to happen. lol. Luckily I can still laugh about it. Otherwise I'd be in the fetal position on the floor. I'm a pretty confident woman but things still rock me sometimes in ways that I don't expect.
On a related note, I saw the ex boyfriend today for the first time in 3 months. He looks good, and it was as comfortable as it always has been. My daughter was with me, and of course his kids were there. We had a fun, fun day together. You'd swear we were a family the way we all talk and joke with each other. The comfort level of things is so lovely and hard to match. How do connections like that happen? It's tough for my mind to overcome the fact that we aren't "together". I am frustrated beyond measure that I can't have that with him all the time. We broke up for a reason and yet everyday it feels like the dumbest thing ever. My heart hurts because I can't make the situation bend the way I want it to. We admittedly miss each other. I don't think I've ever felt quite this frustrated in my entire life. Seriously. How is it that what I want in life is right in front of me and I can't have it? I feel like the fucking greyhound going after the rabbit.
I have no idea what to do, or how to fix this. I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. I suppose everyone feels that way. I just would like to have a direction you know? Just once.

A Hookup

More back story to make sense of the new stories. I'm thinking this happened in Spring of 09 but I have no real concept of time anymore so I could be wrong. You know how that goes, you get older and what seemed like last week was last year. Anyway, so at this point in my life, in this story, I'm single. Officially divorced. Out and about. I met this guy, or should I say young man and started talking to him. (Met him through a dating site I was on). At first I did it as a lark. I mean he was in his young twenties and here I was, old by his standards. But i was curious. So I talked to him. He was(still is) hopeful and romantic and full of wonder. Things that I used to be. A person that I used to be. Before episodes of my life slapped it out of me. God, remember what that was like? 21, 25 - being in complete wonder at everyone and everything feeling each day like it was a possibility. He's a dreamer, a musician (I know) an artist in a way and romantic. However, I was not really inclined to be the "cougar" in this situation. I was (still am) a single mom with a shitload of responsibility and inner conflict. I was unsure of what he truly wanted and what I wanted to give. I didn't see the world the way he did. Likely will be a long time till I do again.
But, he came along at the right time I suppose. I was feeling unattractive and needy. He catered to the need in me to be adored. Even if only for a short time. Besides, I was horny. What else is new. But, with all the nice things he said, he had issues. No job, no car, no apartment. Still lived with mom and dad. Nothing says SEXY like still living with Mom and Dad! Oi.
He wanted a caretaker. I was having enough trouble taking care of myself and my child let alone another "adult". But the desire for human touch was much greater than my logical self could get over.I wanted to get laid and feel close to someone if only for a moment. So I caved. I met him. It was awesome. What would one expect of a twenty something with stamina and no responsibilities? Anyway, it was a one time event that I don't regret but wasn't up for repeating either.
He couldn't offer me anything that would sustain a real relationship. I was honest but nice. Told him he had the whole world in front of him, and he should go explore it. He attempted to plead his case - stated "I don't need much, just love me." Which in theory as we all know, is not enough. Some movies try to say it is, but its not usually true. Love can help it can mend but work is what makes something like a relationship last. Real work.
I bring all this up because he messaged me last night out of nowhere. I had apparently not deleted him off my chat list, and I haven't talked to him in over a year now. He asked me how I was, and did I want to "hang out" with him. I told him I didn't think it was a good idea. He says to me "But don't you think we'd be so good together?" (sigh). "no, I don't." How many ways does one explain that our worlds are so totally different on so many levels? I then asked him if he had a job or a car or an apartment. I got silence. Nothing has changed for him in any way. Those are basic deal breakers for me. One of my main qualifications is that as a man, you SHOW UP, BE a man, be self-sufficient and a functioning adult. I don't ask for much but I require some accountability for yourself. He is not there yet and may never be. Which is his choice, but I have more goals and dreams for myself than that.

On a side note I was listening to a Police song today, "Message in a Bottle". I forget how simple that song is and yet how great. One of the lines in the song is:
"LOVE CAN MEND YOUR LIFE BUT LOVE CAN BREAK YOUR HEART"
I was thinking about that today. That is a truth if I ever heard one. Love can make you feel on top of the world and fearless. It can be a security blanket and all enveloping. But when it breaks you it cuts you in pieces. Its very sharp and biting. But I still think, with all the risk involved, its worth it to still try even if failure is the outcome. Cause without trying, there is no possibility of winning.

Bits and pieces

I'm thinking a bit to much today. Which can be good if it results in something but typically it makes my brain hurt.
I've thinking about that U2 song "With or Without you". In that song Bono talks about how "you give yourself away". I realized what that meant in college. The day I figured it out I was in the backseat of a car of two friends and the song was on and it made me cry cause I had never realized how every time you do something, in some way, you give up part of yourself. Sometimes, we slice away at parts for merely a physical need and then the question lies - what do I have in return? I guess this has been on my mind again lately. All this new dating and talking and opening up to new people has brought it out again. I'm an open person, I'll talk about any topic that you throw at me and I'm not squeamish or skeeved out. but with this openness comes a price. Men who think they can get what they want from me simply because I'm actually willing to truly be myself.
That's what stinks. I don't really know how to censor my emotions or who I am. I don't think I should have to. I know that many are saying the day will come when someone will see all those things about you and it will be exactly what they want. That is likely true. However in the meantime I"m left sorting through how much of myself do I want to give away. As it is there are times when I feel like so much of me has already been doled out that I don't know what's left.

My brain also has been thinking about those ugly sides of ourselves that rear sometimes. For those of you ever involved in gossip of any kind you know what I mean. Someone tells you a juicy detail and you hold onto it and then without realizing it you pass it on...never considering how it affects those involved. I work in a office but I swear it's high school. The TV show "The Office" and the movie of the same title do have it right. It is a fish bowl. I love it and hate it all at the same time. Inadvertently I became involved in some gossip. Not meaning to, not wanting to...just on the edge of it. Someone asked me a question in passing and in conversation I gave my honest opinion - I don't lie. But it was an instance I wish I'd kept my trap shut. I forgot who i was dealing with. A person who could likely announce to EVERYONE in the building that its on fire in 2 MINUTES. It took on a life of its own. Lesson learned. The person at the center of said gossip mentioned to me that said gossip about them was completely and totally false. I felt very bad. Not that I was even remotely responsible for it, but it put a face to the speculation. Its harder to avoid/deny that real people are involved in a story if you aren't faced with the individuals. Once you are, it's entirely different. It was a reminder that this kind of childish behavior only hurts and destroys. I think the hard thing is admitting to yourself that you even remotely participated in the gossip. I consider myself a MUCH better person than that. I'm not perfect by any means and my flaws are many. But I try, very, very hard to be as good to others as I'd want them to be to me. Sometimes we all forget it - I do. Sure, people frustrate me, I bitch/vent - but when does bitching/venting cross the line? I think when it gets personal. Vindictive. Revengeful and mean. I am none of those things. Again, at 36 I'm learning many new things. Things that are CRAZY obvious. Gossip hurts people, and participating, even a tiny bit is wrong. Period. I might put up a sign in my cube. "GOSSIP SUCKS AND WON'T BE SPOKEN HERE". I wonder how that would go over.

Odds and Ends

I'll state the caveat now - if the following makes little or no sense I'm sorry. My brain is a little jumbled this evening. Time to purge..

Since the "dog date" as I'll refer to it from now on, I have received some odd messages off of a dating site I'm on. I didn't know that I was attractive to religious zealots. I clearly have on my profile that I'm laughing about religion. So this guy, who lives in PA mind you, (not near CT by a long shot) basically goes on and on about how he hopes to find the woman of his dreams, and he wants an honest down to earth woman who is god-fearing, yadda,yadda.
He tells me I'm beautiful and lovely and several other adjectives that are nice. The whole message reads weird and he writes it all in caps. Which reads to me like he's yelling at me. No thanks. I decide to check his profile to see what he's about. He flat out states that "prostitutes and homosexuals" need to steer clear. WHAT?!?!
Being the kind person that I am, I wrote back. I hate when I message a guy and he never responds. so I say, "Thanks for the kind words, but I don't think we'd be a good match. Good Luck in your search". Nice right? Not to much, but still being honest.
He writes back " We could be a match, can you tell me why you think we wouldn't be??"
My first thought - YOU ASKED FOR IT.
So i told him he's to far, to religious, and that if he has a problem with homosexuals then he has a problem with me cause some of my dearest friends are gay. He wrote back this "thanks for the observation.bye". I wanted to say good riddance. Such intolerance and ignorance is beyond me. I don't get it, never will. Then the next question hits me - WHY is THIS what I attract?!?! I have a few other choice comments saved up for the next religious nut bag who messages me.

I want to move forward and yet I want to go back. Part of me is tired. Part of me is excited. and part of me just wants to be with Bruce and that one is the worst cause I can't have that. I realized today to that I'm pissed that he's not fighting for me. If he misses me, and the idea of me dating bothers him, then why isn't he fighting for us? I guess he can't, won't...I"m not sure which it is. I have to move on. I have to let him go. Sure we can be friends, but if I'm going to find the happiness I'm looking for, I need to look for it without him. and if after a year or whatever we are both still single and he has more time, maybe then...or maybe not. I just don't have an answer or solution that satisfies me. That hurts on a mental as well as an emotional level because I honestly thought I'd be doing it all with him. I don't like feeling like I'm in quicksand.

On another note, my daughter is turning 4 this month. That is also on my mind a lot. Age, time, where does it go. She's getting older, so am I and so are my parents. I see changes in them and I'm sure they see plenty in me. So Abby is all about her birthday and turning 4 and being a "big girl". I want her to stay small, stay little don't grow up so fast. Don't become the leader just yet. Be carefree for as long as you can.

Cause as I was telling my friend A the other day, we were all great 20 years ago...then life hit us in the face and everything changed.

Abby spies

Abby spies
Originally uploaded by ajajayne

This is my angel.

sisters

sisters
Originally uploaded by ajajayne

Aja took this one at Easter at my parents house. I adore this picture.

Epic bad date - story 1

As promised I figured I'd tell some bad date stories. But before going into the tales, I need to put out a bit of back story. After I moved out of the house, and I was in my very first apartment, I was faced with so many new choices and decisions to make. It was overwhelming but exciting. Sad and yet I had to move forward. I had already reached a place of acceptance with being single again, and I wanted to meet some new people and see what happened. So here I was thrown into the world of internet dating. Some place I never thought I'd be.
Anyway, after a few months of talking to people online I realized several things. Many men are only interested in online sex chat (which by the way, is the dumbest thing ever. How is that hot? How is that even remotely a turn on?) or many of them are married and lying about it, or dating and lying about it. It's funny(and not) how many men claim to be single but really aren't. In the process of all this, I met a seemingly normal nice guy..remember what I said about all things being GREAT on paper..yeah....
After talking online for a while, and then talking on the phone, he seemed stable to me, no red flags, a dad with a daughter, has shared custody, seemed normal. So we decided to meet for coffee. (Starbucks must be like an Achilles heel for me in terms of dating...every date I've met there has gone south. Mental note: pick another place.)
So he was 20 minutes late. He texted me as such so I did wait. He was pretty good looking and again, pretty nice. So we talked or should I say, he talked for most of the date, and it was all about him - his "business" which sounded a lot like a pyramid scheme even though he kept saying over and over again, "it's not a pyramid scheme"...which of course convinced me that's exactly what it was. So in an effort to engage and try and find out who this guy is I went with a couple of standards. Music and books. Easy ones right? Like who DOESN'T like music and who DOESN'T read?
I ask him - "what kind of music do you listen to?"
he says, "Well, I don't really listen to a lot of music." RED FLAG, RED FLAG, RED FLAG....
he asks me, "you tell me, what are some of the bands you listen to?"
This is easy for me of course. So I start naming off some standards.
"oh, I love all kinds of music. rock, pop, jazz, R&B, hard rock...you know Bruce Springsteen, The black Crowes, old AC/DC, Al Greene, Aretha Franklin to Clark Terry..."
Now, his response will forever shock me. I've told this story many times and it still amazes the fuck out of me.
He says, "hmmm...I don't really recognize any of those artists you mention."
Ok, I could understand MAYBE had I said things like Over the Rhine, Kings of Leon, David Gray, Nickel Creek, but ARETHA FRANKLIN??? AL GREEN??? AC/DC??? At that moment it felt like someone had just taken a knife and stabbed me right in the heart. Or punched my heart. Either way I was wounded. I immediately started to work out how I could leave the date without it being obvious. Like would it be bad if I just ran screaming out the door??
So then he goes, "That Aretha Franklin, they call her the Queen of Soul..Why is that?" ALARMS SOUNDING, ALARMS SOUNDING - GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE......
I had also mentioned Whitesnake..I mean they are still good and Christ David Coverdale can sing like nobody's business..and I was grasping for anything..He goes, "oh yea I like Whitesnake!"
YES! I'm figuring ok, 80's rock I can roll with this..."David Coverdale is amazing isn't he?"
"Who's that?" RED FLAG!!!! RED FLAG!!! RED FLAG!!!
So I had to explain "that's the lead singer of Whitesnake." (sigh)
I decided to abandon the music ship cause obviously this would never amount to anything. So I figured books. Can't go wrong with books.
"What's the last book you read?"
"Oh I don't read much, I really just read self help books, you know ,self improvement books cause I"m always trying to be a better person. that's my focus always. Bettering myself."
LEAVE NOW!!! LEAVE NOW!!! This is what the voice in my head is screaming....I was exhausted. I mean who the fuck doesn't read?!?! Like not even magazines? The newspaper? NOTHING?!?! No genre of fiction or biography or anything peaked his interest. He was all about himself and was a "self contained unit".
At that point I had to leave to pick up Abby, THANK GOD, so I made my exit vowing to never speak to him again.
I called my mom and told her about the date. I could tell she was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.
"Well he seems nice..maybe you could introduce him to some of the music you like and you could learn together."
"MOM, I am NOT looking to teach someone the HISTORY OF MUSIC!!! i mean COME ON, AL GREEN?!?!"
She finally gave in and goes, "(sigh) yeah that's weird."

That whole date was a life lesson. Learning what you will and won't put up with in a relationship. I could never, and would never be with someone who has no concept of where music started, where its going, and why its wonderful. Music is a lifeline, a backdrop to all of life's events. How many of us can pinpoint events in our lives just by hearing one song?? There are so many things that have happened to me and to others that have been mirrored by one song or another. To this day it still happens. I can't imagine living - no existing in a world with no music. It pains me to even think of it.

Don't you worry, this is not the last date story....there are more to come. Like I said, be thankful its me and not you. :)

Oh the date

I promised date details. Who am I to disappoint my adoring fans... NEVER! I don't remember if it was on here or in a prior post or in a conversation with friends, but I talked about how all men, all things usually seem great on paper...You talk online and on the phone for a couple weeks and everything seems good. You've seen pictures of this person and it meshes with what you find attractive...and then you meet. Now, this can go one of two ways - it can be amazingly great and you can't wait to see each other again, or it can go south and you both vow silently to never speak again. This date fell in the later category.
He really did seem like a nice guy. Funny, smartish, geeky in a cool kind of way. Attractive to me in again, a geeky kind of way. We met for lunch. Now I knew he had a dog. I'm an animal lover as much as the next person. I love cats and dogs equally (ok maybe dogs slightly more only because I've always grown up with them around) and I think they're awesome. Basically, all we talked about on the date was his dog. "I wonder how the dog is?" "I'm worried that he's going to catch something at doggie daycare." "he's the best dog ever." "Do you want to meet him?" Sure I said. I mean this is an attempt to further get to know this person that I've talked to on the phone right?
So, I followed him to his place (broad daylight people I'm no idiot) and I met the dog. Siberian husky all white. beautiful. This is all I heard, "Isn't he adorable?" "I have to walk him, I"ll be right back." "Isn't he so soft?" "He walked in the other room, I wonder what's wrong." "Do you want to hug him? you can hug him if you want?". Ok, now again, I love animals. But this was just to fucking much. IT"S A DOG. I looked in the dogs eyes and I could tell what he was thinking. "Please tell this dude to leave me the fuck alone. I wanna nap." So, after hanging out for a while and hearing not only how great the dog is, but how AWESOME his apartment is, I made my exit. Honestly, how many times can we talk about the fucking dog? or your apartment? Live outside of your environs. Live outside of your own space. It's not hard. People do it everyday...
I figured I'd hear something from him but I heard nothing. So I sent the "it's not you it's me" email. and who knows, it fucking could be me. I've got flaws. Or, as Ryan once said to a girl, "You don't want to know me. I've got issues."
It just baffles my mind. Never mind the fact that I never thought I'd be dating at 36, but this whole process. It's odd. It's real and false all at the same time. I don't shoot to high, I don't shoot low. I look for men that are within my "get" so to speak. I don't want to ever settle. But I don't expect a an uber fit guy to call me up and say I want you. I know the truth. But I don't get the men who think that there is something better beyond what is in front of them. This idea that around the corner is the PERFECT woman. Guys, she doesn't exist. Even the women in porn aren't perfect. Ask Scottie, he'll tell ya. ;) It's a dream, a falsehood a fairytale shoved into minds across the world. I want something real, I want something substantial and I don't mind flawed. Just be yourself. Be somebody that you recognize, and look for the same in a woman. I don't give a shit that you bungee jumped, or have been to 8 countries or can climb a tree. I want to know whats inside you. What makes you smile, what makes you want to get up every day,and how do you deal with trouble? Can you laugh at yourself? Do you pick on those that aren't perfect? Do you get humbled and do you know the difference between love and lust? These are the things that matter.
I have so much more to say on this topic but my eyes are weary and the elephants living above me are making it hard to think. To be continued...

My theme song

So I only discovered Melody Gardot this morning and I'm totally in love with her. She's not only beautiful, but she has such a soulful voice, and you can hear each breathe on the mic. The words in this song are just lovely and they speak to me in so many ways. Thank you for saying what I feel better than I could express myself.



Some Lessons, by Melody Gardot

Well I'm buckled up inside
It's a miracle that I'm alive
I do not think I can survive
On bread and wine alone
To think that I could have fallen
A centimeter to the left
Would not be here to see the sunset
Or have myself a time
(refrain)
Well why do the hands of time
So easily unwind
Some lessons we learn the hard way
Some lessons don't come easy
That's the price we have to pay
Some lessons we learn the hard way
They don't come right off and right easy
That's why they say some lessons learned we learn the hard way

Remember the sound of the pavement
World turned upside down
City streets unlined and empty
Not a soul around
Life goes away in a flash
Right before your eyes
If I think real hard well I reckon
I've had some real good times
(refrain)
Well why do the hands of time
So easily unwind
Some lessons we learn the hard way
Some lessons don't come easy
That's the price we have to pay
Some lessons we learn the hard way
They don't come right off and right easy
That's why they say some lessons learned we learn the hard way

Feelin' Good

I've already had my tea, and some lemon yogurt. I must say, most all of yogurt sucks. But Lemon is amazing. Smooth and not to sweet, refreshing. Good start to the day. Now I'm chillin' to a bit of E street radio on Sirius, "Twist and Shout" live.

How do you believe your own hype? Believe in yourself enough to make the person you are show up to the whole world. It's tough to do. Right now, that's my struggle. I know myself pretty damn well. I know what I'm about, but there are days that I look in the mirror for a minute to long and suddenly I have no idea who the fuck I am. Sure, I"m a divorced mom, a 36 year old woman with a great sense of humor, an oversexed mind, and a romantic nature that tricks my mind into believing the fairytale. Maybe I have listened to to much Springsteen. Wanting a man who with a dirty leather jacket and worn out jeans to take me away is just not real. But I don't know that I'm ready to stop believing. I'm not ready to chuck things that have kept me afloat the past few years especially. Truthfully Bruce is not all about the romanticism. He also delves deep into the loss, the despair and the heartache of not knowing yourself, of finding out the woman/man you loved is not who you thought they were. I guess I'm battling the romantic in me with the logical side that knows the real truth.

I have no idea why I'm so contemplative at this hour of the day, but sometimes a good cup of tea can do that to you. Oh, and on another note, I have a date today. It's funny how good it all seems on paper. You meet this person, you have all this AWESOME stuff in common...and then you meet and it all disappears. I'm hoping that's not the case. If it goes south, I'll have a good date story for everyone. Oh, and I have a few in the vault I'm going to start posting. Bad dates that should at least make you laugh and thank god you weren't me in that situation.

I think I need another cup of tea.

It's over Johnny

Dating is difficult at 36. I mean I knew this anyway, but living it is sometimes frustrating. So the guy I've been seeing - yeah my gut and my brain reached the same conclusion finally. Time to end a drawn out "relationship". We both realize that being friends is going to be much better for us than trying to force a relationship to work. We can't make square pegs fit in round holes. I think what frustrates us both the most is that ultimately we both want the same things. We just can't have them right now. Far to many circumstances in life that are in the way. If I could fast forward two years maybe it would have all been different. Maybe it would have been the same. I don't know. I just know that having him as a friend is important to me, so that is something we'll continue. So now its a new set of rules to figure out. How do you truly be friends with someone you dated? I've never had to really deal with this before. What are you allowed and not allowed to talk about? do you set boundaries? Or is it a free for all? I don't know.
So, as is my nature - I started prowling a bit just to see what's out there. Low and behold I met someone else. Go figure. A guy who lives much closer, is funny, smart and hopefully drama free. I know some would ask how can you do that so fast after breaking up? I was broken up with the guy i was dating longer than I was willing to admit - my mind was ready my heart was not. So, we'll see what happens. It could be awesome, it might not be. Either way I continue the quest for a real relationship that satisfies so many things that I miss. My parents feel I need to sit back and wait. That it will all just "happen". I don't agree. In some aspects, there needs to be some work on my part. The right man is not going to fall in my lap. Plus, I know what I'm looking for, I know what I need and so I'll look for it. I'm good on my own, I'm happy to a degree but having someone to share life with is wonderful. A partner in crime is what I miss. Feeling as if you and the person you're with can take on the world. That is powerful stuff.

Great weekend

So far it's been a great weekend. Yesterday was one of those those you never want to end. The weather is perfect, with a bit of a breeze. Abby and I went to the park and ran around like silly people. After dragging her from the park, we drove around and she took a nap in the car. The only place she'll nap now for me. In the car. I always love when I drive places and she falls asleep just as I get where I'm going. lol
Anyway, My mom mentioned she wanted to get some yarn, so I texted a great friend who happens to knit, and she googled locations for me. We found a cool little place between and stopped there. Mom is planning on making an Afgan for herself. So after that we headed back to her house, and drew on the driveway with chalk. Such fun. I made a hopscotch but frankly, I did it wrong. I mean this is an easy thing right? How many times as kids did we draw one of these fucking things? Well, I managed to do the boxes wrong. lol. It didn't matter as we had fun and abby hopped all over anyway. We didn't want to go inside one bit. Days like that are absolutely priceless.

I actually learned something

Recently I had a revelation of sorts about myself. I know this can happen at any time and at any point in life but I figured I had myself pretty well sorted out. Not so. There is apparently much more to learn.
The revelation came out of an argument with my mom. I'm not going to delve into the minutae of this blowout, but needless to say in her way of attempting to be helpful, she just made me feel bad about myself. Counterproductive to what she intends and yet that's how it all came out.
In the middle of this argument I realized this -
I DON'T HAVE TO SIT HERE. I DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO THIS. I'M 36. I CAN LEAVE.

For whatever reason, I'd NEVER considered this before. I guess you spend your life being the child and one day you're an adult but nobody told you that. Sure, you work, you play you do the things that grownups do, but when it comes to that parent/child dynamic, you are still the child. The idea that you can leave, you can walk away from a negative and hurtful situation seems so foreign to me. I never realized I could do that. In that moment, I stood up and left. I got in the car and drove away. Granted, she called me, and I came back, but the point is, I can GO. I don't have to stay and be berated for things I already know. I know that I need to exercise and take care of myself. I know that in some ways i'm a complete and utter mess. But don't hit me over and over again with a club. really, I GET IT. The other interesting thing about this, is I had just posted a few days before this fight that when there is a lot of silence I'm more motivated to move. This bruise pushing doesn't help me. It only makes me say fuck you that much louder. I know it's a childish response and not helpful to me in any way, but I can't help it. Don't continually hurt me in the same way over and over again and expect results. If anything you just push me farther away.
I guess I have way more to figure out about myself. This one was a surprise but worth it.

On another note, abby comes home today. She spent a week with her dad, (daycare closed) and now she comes back with mom. I miss my peanut. Sometimes I irrationally worry that she'll forget about me when she's gone, but logically i know that's just fucking stupid. I'm her mom, and she knows who I am. She will never forget me. So i gotta calm down. :) I did buy her a new book. Ricky Gervais of "The Office" fame puts out these pop up children's books of made up monsters and its called "Flanimals" they are fantastic. So I'm looking forward to reading that one to her later on.

For now, a possible nap, and working on the project of me plan. I reintroduced myself to my workout clothes. They said hello in a sort of huff - we haven't talked in a while so I think they're hurt. The sneakers are coming out as well...let's go walking people.

Cooking and stuff

Made myself a great dinner tonight. Cod (from whole foods) which was already lightly breaded with garlic and lemon, sauteed it on the stove, and made some couscous to go with. It was VERY yummy. I'm so full. I have enough left over for lunch, but I'm leaning towards a salad - alfalfa sprouts and craisins and almonds Oh MY! Love me some salad. :)

It's been a crazy tiring several days. Got vomitus sick last wednesday, called out of work and of course, as my mind works, felt guilty about it. WHO does this?!? So many people call out and don't give a shit. Me? I lay in bed sick as a dog and wonder if anyone at work is mad at me cause I'm out. I'm out for a legitimate sickness and I sit at home and feel terrible I'm not working. It's dumb. I know this.
Thursday and Friday were scheduled vacation as Abby's daycare is closed for vacation. Thursday was recoup day, watching movies, and hanging out. Friday was the kids Musuem, (as detailed in prior post) and then late Friday night the peanut got the ick. It was not funny or fun. Nothing worse than watching your child be freaked out that she threw up and there is no way to stop it. I put her in the tub and cleaned her off standing up, (she cried the entire time by the way which of course made me feel worse) and then I put her in my bed. Yep, you guessed it, she yaked in my bed. Needless to say I felt sooo bad. I slept on the living room floor while she slept on the couch. It's just what you do. At 6am I was up, cleaning, disinfecting and otherwise putting our little home back together. By noon she was so much better and you'd almost never know she'd been sick. I was non stop, doing laundry, etc all day and at 9pm my body yelled at me and I went to sleep.
Sunday was better - beautiful outside and perfect for the park. Slides and swings...what's better? We had fun until she fell and bloodied her nose. (sigh) I felt terrible, and she handled it pretty well. but nothing ends a park trip like blood. All in all, a good weekend, but honestly, I'm still tired. She's with her dad this week - closed daycare. She'll have fun, as I know she always does. :)

In the meantime I'm busy at work, and busy in my head. Friends to see this week, and maybe the guy I'm dating - which I still have no idea what to do about. I haven't seen him in a month at this point though we talk all the time. Its a conundrum to say the least. Trying to move forward and not backward, or at the very least sideways. Pay off one bill, on to the next. Be a great mom, be a better me and have some fun at the same time. Manage it all and still laugh and smile and not let negative voices overtake the happy ones. It's a battle. I think I'm winning. However it is only Monday.

Feeling mom like today

Its funny how the day to day life of being a parent can get lost. You function on autopilot and you sometimes almost forget to BE a mom. I was reminded today what fun that is. Myself and Gina, and Amanda of course, took three little girls to a kids museum today for running screaming fun. They loved it of course. I was reminded how great it is to just watch your child be a child and talk to each other in that language that only other kids get. Imagination is a cool thing to watch.

Something I'm working on

Ok so I found this one in my desk at work. Apparently that meeting was not holding my interest. lol. Kind of speaks for itself. I mean what I'm after isn't much. It should be a no brainer. Treat me as you'd want to be treated. Make me feel like I matter. How tough is that? Its amazing to me how few truly understand. It's a work in progress. I don't think "the end" is really it. It needs some reworking.

3/24/09


Wants and Needs


Pull me close.
Grab my neck and attack my body
with hunger and thirst.
Fingers should rove over every curve and hill
till you find a hot place to rest.
Feel me like I’m new.
Watch me as if I’m a stranger.
Kiss me with all heart and passion –
As if it’s the first time we’ve met.
Make it new every time so it never
seems like a copy of another life.
Tell me I’m beautiful even when I’m not.
Let me see something in your eyes that is worth
holding onto, so I don’t feel so inclined to
let go.

Some things never change

Yeah...about that...so I had lunch today with two friends that I've known since 8th grade. The story of how we all know each other is long and convoluted. If I have reall time one of these days I'll go through it but here's the short version - we met at church youth group. Granted this was 8th-9th grade, and we did very little serious religious talk. We ate donuts and swore a lot. We had various youth group trips and caused harmless trouble wherever we went.
Kristin, one of the two girls I met today, was (and still is)lucky. She was the one who would dial in for radio contests and ALWAYS win. Like if you wanted tickets to something you called Kristin and she won them for you. It was crazy. That was just her luck. We lost touch for a while, but over the past couple years have since found each other again. She's a great person and hysterical. We found our other old friend through the magic of facebook, and hence today's lunch date. Kristin also has always had balls for lack of a better term. For a long time I could never talk to guys as I didn't have the guts. Kristin on the other hand, she'd do all the talking for you. So as is typical, I made some crack about the waiter being cute. That was all she needed. She managed to write my number down with a "call me" next to it for the waiter. I almost died. I"m 36 and in that moment I felt 15. Granted we laughed pretty hard about it, but I wanted to crawl into the floor. For god's sake he was likely way to young for me anyway. Like I even had a shot!!! LOL She kills me. So while I realized some people/things never change, I'm actually glad about that. I drive around and see things missing all the time that I used to love, or I used to go to, so it's nice to have some constants left.

My little peanut came home today from spending the weekend with dad. I missed her. Her hugs are the best. We read books, did horsey rides, and made each other laugh. She really amazes me and I can't believe she's going to be 4. Kristin said to me today, "Just wait till she goes to kindergarten, it's all over then." I can't even stomach the thought. School. Yikes.

A project of sorts is coming - me. A project of me. I need to start moving. The big E word - exercise. Typically moving a fork to my mouth is what I'm expert in however I need to do WAY more than that. I need to start by walking. and even if all I end up doing for the rest of my life is walking three to four times a week as a regular routine, that would be a milestone for me. See i go in and out when it comes to exercise. Push me to do it, as my ex used to, and I go the other way - i say fuck you I'm not doing it. Which i know is childish and counterproductive but true. My mom sometimes will mention it as well and again, it pushes me the opposite way. I almost need it to be completely silent for me to get motivated. Sounds weird, silly even, but when there are no voices in my head telling me what to do with my body I tend to move much better. I tend to be more motivated. The support of my friends - that's different. I need that the same way I need water. They push me in a positive way. Other than that, silence really is bliss.
So, that's on the horizon. Which means I need new sneakers.

VIB's

VIB...a term I will use frequently. Very Important Bitches. Yes folks that's what it means. Two of my oldest friends and I refer to each other in this loving way. I saw them both today and it was good. It's nice to hang out with people who know everything about you and still like you. One of them, Amanda (who is likely reading this) is moving to GA in about a month. Gina and I will miss her terribly. We know its for the best, it is what will make Amanda happiest, but we selfishly want her to stay. But being the friends that we are, we'd never make her stay. We love her to much for that. So, it gives us an excuse to plan a girls weekend and go visit. We want her to be happy and that's all we've ever wanted. So Kernal, go get em. :)

Currently I'm watching The Black Crowes on dvd. I've seen them many times live, so this is to tide me over until they come around again. I've got to say, they are lovely. I know there are many of you who feel they are hippie rock, and out of touch, etc. but I love them. The blues rock style, the emotion in Chris Robinsons voice will always make me happy in my heart. See, if a man could sing like that in my ear, I'd melt right into the floor. Literally. I'd likely be his forever. lol Something about that growl, that deep feeling that just makes the hair on my neck stand up. Like listening to Al Green sing or Sam Cooke, or Aretha Franklin. I mean certain songs just make you melt or feel empowered or strong or weepy. I'm always so impressed by those who have the talent to create music and write lyrics and compose something that can move people or an entire generation. Like sometimes hearing one song takes you to a place in life that you haven't been in a long time. Depending upon the situation, it can make you feel good, or it can bring you to a place of pain. Either way, its a memory- and as I've always said, it's all about the memories.

Oh an update on the job thing - it appears it's going to happen. So one step sideways to climb up the stairs. Management is supportive, and it appears it's truly the right time. So in about a month I should be back in licensing. Which is more my home I think.

and as for the life choices - I had a full on meltdown this week - and I laid out for the guy I'm dating all the things I need in order for this to work. So, now it's up to him to put some action behind his ideas. Otherwise, they are just that, ideas. I need to feel emotionally connected to someone in order to be able to put up with the bullshit that exists - working all the time, not going out, not doing stuff. If you give me something to hold onto, then maybe I can hang, and I can make it worth it. But if you give me nothing - that's when the eyes/mind/heart start to wander. It's just the truth. I'm not ready to let him go, but if he doesn't give me more, then it's time to move on. So, we'll see.....next chapter please....

backwards to go forwards..again

So, i've been remiss not updating my adoring 4 fans! I love you guys. Don't ever forget it. So, I've said before that you have to go backwards sometimes to go forwards? Well it appears thats what I'm going to be doing - at work. Or at least I hope so. I know the goal is usually upward mobility, however I want a lateral move. I started out in one position, was asked by upper management to move to another way more math related position (and for anyone who knows me, math and I don't mix). I did it cause you don't really say no to a senior VP. but I miss the other job. It's not rose colored glasses or anything, I truly miss it. SO, there is an open position and I interview for it tomorrow. I hope all goes well. I need this change, I'm looking forward to the change. SO, keep fingers and toes crossed people.

In other news, little miss abby is in a big girl bed. When did she get old enough for that? I remember rocking her to sleep every night. She loves the new bed. She looks so tiny in it, (its a full) but she needed it. It's time. My little peanut is getting older and smarter every day. It's scary. She told me this morning she wants to be a paleotologist (I know i spelled that wrong) - digging up dinosaur bones. I was like how does she know that word and what it means?!? Unreal. She amazes me sometimes. ok, all the time.

Still mulling over life choices - I haven't come any closer to a conclusion. I almost feel like I'm moving farther away. But, I keep mulling it over and I know that at some point, my gut and my brain will reach the same decision, and I'll know what to do. So for now, I'll finish off the bottle of wine in the kitchen.

Choices

There are far to many. I'm not talking about the day to day stuff - that's done on autopilot. I'm talking about life changing choices. You meet someone great, you're together for a while then while in the middle of something good, an old fix comes back to tempt you.
It should be easy. It should be simple to say I'm in a relationship who cares about the old flame? The thing is, if the sex hadn't been great, this choice would be easier. That's the bottom line. If sex is terrible you can always tell that person to go knock on someone elses door - someone who cares a lot less about bedroom quality. I on the other hand put high stock in how I get satisfied. I know, TMI for many of you, but let's be honest here - IT"S IMPORTANT. To say otherwise is a lie. I don't want to compromise that. A lifetime of shitty sex is no way to live. and I'm not saying the current situation is shitty sex - it's good. I want great. So while the dating situation I'm in right now is good, there are little things nagging at my gut. and this really pisses me off cause my gut is always right. You ever want your gut to be wrong? You ignore it, pretend you're hearing things or not really feeling it, but ultimately, your gut makes itself heard. I like the guy I'm dating. He's nice, smart, he's funny and sweet to me, and takes care of me....but...ah the proverbial BUT....what to do.
I pushed off the temptor for at least a week. He isn't offering me any more than just sex and a "maybe". Ultimately that's not enough to make me ruin something great I have started. I don't know where the current dating situation is going to go, but for right now, it's as much as we can both handle. But there is something missing. My gut is telling me so no matter how much I want to ignore it.
I should be able to just say "no" right? Why is that not the case? Why can't I do that? I haven't seen him in 9 months, and only just recently texted - but the texting suggestions were enough to make my mind wander. Choices. Such a bitch and never as cut and dry as you think.
As I stated in a prior post, I'm terrible at waiting for what I want. That's half the issue here. I know what I want, I know what I need. I don't want to wait for it. I want it now. So far, no one is offering that up. Which makes me look around corners and over my shoulder for what's next, and what's behind.

Stuff

Ok, so it's clearly been a few days since I've written. Busy at work, busy at home and frankly to tired to think. lol
So, I'll take a few minutes while my daughter swigs down her cheerios and milk. Gotta love cheerios.
I woke up today with a splitting headache. I don't know what its about, but there is little worse than waking up uncomfortable. I'm hoping the giant cup of tea I'm having right now will take care of that. and maybe some Dayquil for good measure.

Side note - it's tough to write while "Schoolhouse Rock" plays in the background. All I can hear is "Electricity, electricity"...(sigh)

Ok so work. Work is good. busy, but I'm feeling a bit frustrated. I need to try and lay back and just work hard and do it well, but I want to do more, and finding the niche where I fit is tough. There will be potential for opportunity over the next year, but getting there is I guess the hard part. I'm terrible at waiting for things. I want everything yesterday. It's a cross I bear. I'm also dealing with the fact that I work in essentially in a high school. The in office drama is crazy. I'm 36. I'm to old for this shit. The cool kids table the preferential treatment to some and the holding back of others. It's ridiculous. and unnecessary. I think the whole concept of virtual work is better in the sense that there is way less crap to put up with cause you aren't faced with the juvenile behavior of your coworkers. Actually I take that back - I don't want to put down kids. I know kids who behave better. Idiotic behavior is better. The funny thing is even with all the drama, I love my job and i like going to work. Lots of thoughts floating in my head. I spend 8 or more hours a day with these people, I should be able to be friends with whomever I choose. It's funny that senior management doesn't view it the same way. Although they overlook some things...Ugh. I'm rambling now. lol

Well, I gotta get Miss Abby dressed so we can head to Nana's house. I'll be back later. Maybe I'll be more coherent then. lol

Dance baby dance!

I love to dance. Now by all accounts I'm not really...good. I mean I'm a legend in my own mind but the reality of it is frightening. For those of you who have video of me dancing, I'm sorry. although it might have given you hours of amusement, so in that case you're welcome!
On the other hand, I've been told that I'm a great dancer. No those individuals weren't shitfaced...ok maybe slightly drunk, but whatever! They said I was good so I'm assuming they meant it. In a nice way. not a "you really suck but I'm humoring you" way.
I love dancing at home by myself. Which is were I do it most often. there isn't much call at work for dancing. "Hey jen can you leave your cube and come over here? We've got some dance music going and we need you..." I've always loved dancing. and I think I have a pretty good feel for rhythm and movement. I don't know specific steps or anything, I just feel the music. (god that sounds new agey and pukey) But it's true. Good dance music makes you want to dance and have sex. Or just have sex. Either way, it should be sexy and make you want to move.
Friends of mine in college had this terrible apartment. I mean we called it "The Crackhouse". It really was terrible. However, the one redeeming quality about it in my opinion was the kitchen. It was huge as apartments go. Since 4 guys lived there, there was nothing in it. No table, no chairs, just a large open floor. One of them was a musician, so the best music was always playing. (sorry Jimmy, I love you but Steely Dan just doesn't qualify as "good" on any level) I danced so much in that kitchen with a bottle of beer in hand. I loved it. I never felt like it mattered who was watching or what others thought of me. I was usually alone and the guys moved around me. They never told me to stop or get out (which if they had I probably would have understood). One of the other roommates was from Jamaica. Besides being an amazing person, with a rich imagination, he typically had some pot nearby which was a nice break to all the dancing. Those were some good days. I loved being in that house. It was free, and fun and the parties we had were some good times.
There have been many concerts I went to where at the end of the night, my friend Krista and I got a nod or two from the beer drinkin' motorcycle guys...One time, we drove to upstate NY to see The Screamin' Cheetah Wheelies..god knows if they are even still together..but it was great southern blues rock and we loved them (still do) and we danced, and danced all night. (side note, before the show started, we had to suffer through a lot of Aerosmith. We wanted to shoot ourselves.) At the very end of the night, the band had cleared the stage, the house lights were coming up, and Krista was being hit on by some guy at the bar, and I was alone on the floor. Creedence Clearwater came on- "Suzy Q" I love that song. I danced the whole song, in that room, by myself and I didn't give a rats ass who saw me. It felt so good to just enjoy myself without a single care in the world. Much like a child who discovers they have hands. Needless to say the guy at the bar turned out to be a douchebag(as they often are at 2am) and we left. But we will never forget it.
I've danced in my mom's kitchen many times. Mom and I have attempted some moves - which usually I fail at. but by that point it doesn't matter. we're laughing to hard. We get silly.
Usually its at weddings that I get to bust out the dance chops. These days everyone I know is already married. So, its me in my living room dancing to Justin Timberlake or Jay-Z or The Black Crowes. Either way, its an outlet for me to feel sexy and alive and uncluttered.
I need to do it more. I could use a little more sexy in my day to day. :)

One good weekend

Once again I'm going to start this off talking about food. Really its either food or sex with me there isn't much of an in between..

I made a kick ass dinner tonight. One of my oldest friends came by to visit. We never really do much...some of it depends on what we each have for money, but typically our visit involves tea, dinner or lunch depending and dessert. We talk, and talk and catch up. So the menu was like this - tea and cheries to munch on. a trip to Whole Foods, then back home. I had Salmon on hand, so we put that on the George Foreman, string beans and red potatoes steamed in the micro. Then dessert. Yummy tiramisu...So it was a good visit. She's going to be 40 in March. Which is unreal to me because I've known her since I was 21 I think? I'm 36 NOW. It's been a long time. There is that time warp thing again. You blink and you're older even though in spirit you still feel 18.

It was a weekend of seeing good friends - one of my other friends, that I've known since high school came by Saturday night. We hung out and caught up on life. Things are getting better for her, I'm proud of her in many ways. She's much stronger than she ever gives herself credit for. Life can deal you some harsh blows but she's weathered it pretty well.

All in all a great weekend of seeing the ones that I love.

I also had a great day with miss abby. I made a conscious decision to stay home and not go anywhere. Very little tv today. It was all about the toys. We played bingo, colored some pictures, good game of hide and seek, and just ran around. It was fun. She has such an active imagination so I got to watch her really play today. Its nice to take it slow. Not rush around and try to come up with exciting things for them to do. Sometimes the most fun is staying still. Rolling on the floor and laughing. Have I mentioned that her hugs are the best? She just smiles at me and with her huge brown eyes says sooo much. She is amazing. I know all parents feel that way about their kids, but I just can't help but say it.

This is coming from someone who never thought she wanted kids. at all. It's funny my old friend and I were talking about this today. She has always professed to never want children and hates when people chide her for that decision. I've always been impressed by her honesty. It's hard to not succumb to what society deems as "normal". She is actually thinking more of children than most people realize. It is easy to just have a kid, its another to BE a parent. You can't take the job lightly. It is actually way better to admit that you'd be a bad parent and not have kids than to bring a child into this world with no thought whatsoever. I thought for a long time that I'd never have kids because it is a lifetime commitment. That frightened the hell out of me. The idea of being responsible for this person for the rest.of.my.life....that was daunting. I entered into the baby making process with a lot of thought. I'm also ok with ONE child. Many people ask me, "Are you having any more?" I'm always like, "no. I'm good". They always seem disappointed when I say that. WHY? It's my right to make that choice I also think it's called being responsible. I know what I can handle and I know what I can't. While I love being a parent, and wouldn't trade this life for anything, I also know that the thought of bearing another child and going through diapers again makes me exhausted in ways I can't explain. Now, to date a man who has children already, and love them as my own, that's a concept I can deal with - But to bear more children...this kitchen is closed.

well, I'm outta thoughts at the moment. Its time to go read. I'm currently reading "Foxfire:confessions of a girl gang" by Joyce Carol Oates. I've read it before, but it was time to read it again. Fantastic piece of fiction of you're at all interested.

Random thoughts

So I just stuffed myself with chicken and rice. This is what I made: chicken tenders coated in bisquick mix,cheese,salt(oven baked) and then I whipped up a awesome dipping sauce. Mayo, brown mustard, and Harry and Davids honey mustard sesame sauce. It rocked. Sometimes the simplest things are truly the best. Now I'm way full and wish I didn't have jeans on....Would be awkward to blog in no pants. ANYHOO....

I've got a few things on my mind. Lets dump them all out shall we? I'm debating on going back on "happy pills" as I call them. Mainly I'm way to weepy these days and not sleeping well, and just not quite myself. I figured I could live without them, but apparently I can't. Genetics are a pretty strong thing I hear...There are only so many crying jags you can have at work before everyone thinks you're crazy. Nothing makes the natives more nervous than a crying woman. Plus the financial stress has pushed me to frequent bouts of flat out inactivity. I just can't live this way. I like being motivated and I find myself slipping into the abyss of staring at my fingernail for 10 minutes more and more. Which on occasion is fine, but not on a regular basis.

I miss a lot of things. I miss being able to sleep next to someone and hear them breathing. I miss looking forward to going home cause the person you love best is there for you. One of my friends at work asked me if I could, would I go back. Back to a time when things were really "good". I told her no. How can one go back? Life changes you and warps your sense of what was. If I went back today, it would be as me now. You don't get the choice to go back the same way you came in. But along that line, I do miss a lot of the things that were "good". Rides to the beach on the weekends, naps. God, naps together on a Sunday afternoon were great. Its funny how those things disappear. How does that happen? How is it that one day you turn around and suddenly you aren't looking at yourself anymore and the person looking back at you is not who you think it is? I know logically it takes time but it seems overnight.
One other thing I miss is hugs. I love hugs. Hugs make everything better. I actually feel sorry for people who can't stand "touching" or people in their personal space. A hug can ease every tense muscle you have and make you want to drift off to sleep. Doesn't matter how much money you have, you can't put a price on a hug. It is indescribable how great it makes one feel. There are different types of hugs too. The bear hug, the hug where two people sway side to side (my sis and I do this one :) the cuddle hug, the pat on the back hug...a million variations of something so simple and yet soooo satisfying. Hugs express love and kindness, caring and concern. I love hugging my daughter. She hugs me tight and tells me she loves me and it is the best thing in the whole world. See, if I went back in time, I wouldn't have that. I wouldn't have a beautiful child who loves me implicitly no matter how nutty I am. She squeezes my neck and tells me I'm "the best mommy ever." It melts away the entire world. That is so acute and immediate. So priceless. I miss living with a man who will also extend that kindness my way. I crave emotional and physical attention much like a junkie needs his fix. I can stand on my own two feet just fine, but I need the occasional lift to keep me going. Hugs do that. So, I wouldn't go back. It would never be the same. It would hurt to much also to go back and already know the outcome. Plus, I know what I need now, and I don't think going backwards would push me forwards. But I wouldn't mind going back for a visit for a hug or two.