Bits and pieces

I'm thinking a bit to much today. Which can be good if it results in something but typically it makes my brain hurt.
I've thinking about that U2 song "With or Without you". In that song Bono talks about how "you give yourself away". I realized what that meant in college. The day I figured it out I was in the backseat of a car of two friends and the song was on and it made me cry cause I had never realized how every time you do something, in some way, you give up part of yourself. Sometimes, we slice away at parts for merely a physical need and then the question lies - what do I have in return? I guess this has been on my mind again lately. All this new dating and talking and opening up to new people has brought it out again. I'm an open person, I'll talk about any topic that you throw at me and I'm not squeamish or skeeved out. but with this openness comes a price. Men who think they can get what they want from me simply because I'm actually willing to truly be myself.
That's what stinks. I don't really know how to censor my emotions or who I am. I don't think I should have to. I know that many are saying the day will come when someone will see all those things about you and it will be exactly what they want. That is likely true. However in the meantime I"m left sorting through how much of myself do I want to give away. As it is there are times when I feel like so much of me has already been doled out that I don't know what's left.

My brain also has been thinking about those ugly sides of ourselves that rear sometimes. For those of you ever involved in gossip of any kind you know what I mean. Someone tells you a juicy detail and you hold onto it and then without realizing it you pass it on...never considering how it affects those involved. I work in a office but I swear it's high school. The TV show "The Office" and the movie of the same title do have it right. It is a fish bowl. I love it and hate it all at the same time. Inadvertently I became involved in some gossip. Not meaning to, not wanting to...just on the edge of it. Someone asked me a question in passing and in conversation I gave my honest opinion - I don't lie. But it was an instance I wish I'd kept my trap shut. I forgot who i was dealing with. A person who could likely announce to EVERYONE in the building that its on fire in 2 MINUTES. It took on a life of its own. Lesson learned. The person at the center of said gossip mentioned to me that said gossip about them was completely and totally false. I felt very bad. Not that I was even remotely responsible for it, but it put a face to the speculation. Its harder to avoid/deny that real people are involved in a story if you aren't faced with the individuals. Once you are, it's entirely different. It was a reminder that this kind of childish behavior only hurts and destroys. I think the hard thing is admitting to yourself that you even remotely participated in the gossip. I consider myself a MUCH better person than that. I'm not perfect by any means and my flaws are many. But I try, very, very hard to be as good to others as I'd want them to be to me. Sometimes we all forget it - I do. Sure, people frustrate me, I bitch/vent - but when does bitching/venting cross the line? I think when it gets personal. Vindictive. Revengeful and mean. I am none of those things. Again, at 36 I'm learning many new things. Things that are CRAZY obvious. Gossip hurts people, and participating, even a tiny bit is wrong. Period. I might put up a sign in my cube. "GOSSIP SUCKS AND WON'T BE SPOKEN HERE". I wonder how that would go over.