Stuffed head

It's been far to long since I've posted. I think that would explain why my head feels so stuffed.
Here's the catchup - the exboyfriend is no longer the ex. We're back together. It's actually better than the first time. He's the new and improved dork. He is making tremendous effort to show that he wants me in his life, and that we mean something to each other. He's prioritizing at work, and acting more like management now, and carving out time for a life. Life is much more important than work - Even though work allows you to have that life.
So he invited he on a work trip to Boston - I knew that he would be working hard both days, with little or no contact until 6pm, but I was ok with that. I knew it was a big deal for him to invite me to something that is personal and professional, and that so clearly makes him excited and happy. He loves what he does. The owner was not to thrilled at first about me going, but the dork(as I sweetly refer to him) stuck up for me, for us, and said, "She's going. end of discussion." Points in the positive column..I walked around a city that I love. I was by myself and didn't care. I'm so used to a little 4yr. old going, "mommy,mommy, mommy.." that at first it was odd to be alone and not have anyone to answer to. That is a rarity these days. I bought an almond croissant, sat on a park bench with a good book and read in the sunshine. Another rarity. It was heaven. Later, after walking Newbury St. for a long while, I went back to the Hotel and took a long bubble bath. Now here is something I love to do but never get to do. To sit in hot water and empty your head is an underrated pastime.
I was thinking a lot about our relationship and how we're going to get to a place where we are under the same roof. That is going to take work, and planning and discussions. Like, where? how far? how close? Mass or CT? If it was just me it'd be easy. But it's not. That decision will take a lot of time and may be a year in the making at least, but being who I am, 30 steps ahead, I'm turning it over and over in my mind so it makes sense to me. Wrapping my mind around all the possibilities that work for everyone. Cause see when you're married with kids, these questions aren't an issue. When you're single with no real responsibilities, these aren't issues. But when divorced, and you have kids, it becomes more cumbersome to move forward. I think in some ways that frustrates me...and then I feel selfish for wanting happiness in my life. I want to just pick up and go be with him, all kids under the same roof, but I know its not that easy and I get mad sometimes that it isn't that easy. I have a child that I adore so then I beat myself up for wanting something for ME. She is the most important thing in my life. Having a child means you make sacrifices. You give up things that were once important to you so they can be the best person they can be. But isn't part of our responsibility to our kids to be happy ourselves? Don't we need to show them how to live our best life so they have a model to go by? I don't know I get torn between what I want and what I'm supposed to give up. Striking a balance between who I am and what I represent to my child is....exhausting at times. Worth it always, but its tiring. Parenthood is no joke.
Speaking of parenting I was thinking the other day about all the things I'm expected to know as a mom and have an answer for. "Mom, why is that guy on the roof of that building?" "I think he's fixing the air conditioner." (I have no fucking idea really, but good guess no?) "Mom, what does that sign say?" "It says Donate your car for cash." "Mom why is that kid crying?" "I don't know abby I'm guessing he's overtired...like you." (I loved that one.) Not to mention all the "What does that mean?" questions and the "Why?" questions...I love it and loathe it. Is that wrong? I guess not; part and parcel of being a parent. The job is rewarding at the same time as its heavy. The constant questions about the world around her are flying out her mouth at breakneck pace. I explained yesterday the difference between saying "geese" and "goose". I can tell she got it which amazes me. I dread the day she starts asking me math questions. (Math and I are not friends.) Thank god I have a couple of wonderful friends who are math smarties. They'll come in handy....lol

and lastly, I have a long time friend who is basically giving me an ultimatum even though she says she isn't. I have likely mentioned before that I hate drama. I'm a low maintenance kind of girl. I've known this person for at least 15 years. She and I go back to college days. At the time she was outrageous and carefree, with much of the world in front of her. Many of my friends just thought she was a bitch, and basically figured she's a little crazy. For whatever reason, her and I clicked. We got along on so many levels. She made me laugh, we were able to talk about anything, and we shared the same love of music. We both wrote poetry, and I always admired the way in which she could speak aloud and not worry what other people thought of her. Although it is possible she needed the attention and that is why she was so outwardly crazy. In any event, our lives moved forwards - or at least mine did. I got married, got a job, got a house, had a child, got divorced and here I sit..in my own apartment and in another relationship. I've dated, I've made new friends and kept some of the dearest ones close. She has basically lived a stagnant life that is essentially of her own making. Some things out of her own control but others not so much. She gets in her own way all the time. No matter how much contact I had with her it was and is never enough. She feels that I do not pay enough attention or interest in her life to call her every so often, and that if I did care I would do that. As I have told her time and again, I have never been the type of friend who calls someone daily, or even weekly. I'm terrible at picking up the phone and calling someone. All my friends know this about me. I'm a complete pain in the ass when it comes to keeping in regular contact. It doesn't mean I don't care, you aren't on my mind, or you don't matter to me. All of my friends mean the world to me and there have been many days where my friends have helped me stand up and move forward. I am frustrated by this situation. No one I"m friends with understands why we are friends. I feel like I'm on a sinking ship. Do I hold on to this friendship just because it's 15 years old or do I accept the fact we've outgrown each other? Which is ultimately what i think is happening. Maybe I am the asshole. I just don't know right now. This whole thing is weighing on me and I don't even know what to say or do anymore. Her and I have had the same conversation more than once over the years. I try to be better, I try to engage more, and give more of my time, more of me than I already give, and then I slip back into old behavior patterns. As much as I love her, she can be exhausting. I have a career, a child, a boyfriend now and everything else that makes up life.
If I was the only friend that theses issues were with, then I'd likely say it's partly on me (and it still may be). However she has alienated and pushed away many others from her life because she cannot accept that they don't elevate their behavior to her own. I'm not talking about aquaintances either, I'm talking about people she's known for a long, long time. If she feels our friendship is to one sided, then that is her choice to feel that way - in some respects I do understand where she is coming from. She is the one who initiates phone calls; I've admitted being rotten at keeping up that end of the bargain. But my question is, so because I don't call that means I don't care? That means I don't feel in my heart that you matter in my life?? I'm not sure of the right answer here. I have friends I don't talk to often at all but I think of them daily and if they called me tomorrow/today and needed something I would do whatever I could to help. I'm not perfect, I've made my share of mistakes or screwups when it comes to friendships, but the people I care about hold special places in my heart and always will.
You would think, at almost 37 I wouldn't have to deal with this shit anymore. I just loathe drama of all sorts and disguises.