I don't want much. I want someone, a man preferably to look me in the eyes, and show me that he wants me. I want to gaze back and return the desire given to me. I want to know where I stand without having to guess. I want to look in those eyes and feel like, at that moment, there is no where else he'd rather be than with me. Cause I've been in a place, where you look into the eyes of the one that you love more than anyone in the world and what you see is nothing. I've seen empty eyes with no want, no desire, no love left. It is a place I don't want to go to ever again if I can help it.
Some of these expectations of romance and love are born out of my natural romantic nature. But there is more to that. I grew up in a house in which my father adored my mother. Still does to this day, 41 married years later. She could ask for the moon and he'd find a way to get it for her. Mostly though she just asked (and still does on occasion) for ice cream from Baskin Robbin and he would go out and get it. Never mind that it was usually around 9 pm, he was tired from work, and needed sleep. Nope. Didn't matter. He'd say "tell me what you want and I"ll go." He never complained or even batted an eye. My father buys my mother flowers for no reason. The thing is he's ALWAYS done that. He hits the holidays, but he does it just because he wants her to be happy because he knows its something she loves. If she loves it, then so does he.
Of late my favorite story: my mom drove to Walmart to get a few things. She was feeling really tired by the end of the trip. She was not looking forward to loading everything in the car. She did not know that my father had gone out to run some errands. He had decided to help her out - he drove to Walmart, found my mother's car, parked near her's and waited. Waited for her to come out and loaded everything into the car for her. When people talk about a grand gesture, that is it. She told me later, "I'm so lucky. Your father is so good to me." Yup mom, you're right.
He leaves notes for her in the house telling her he loves her and that he will love her "always and forever". He tells me things like, "well, your mom is at the hair dressers, I hope she gets to relax and enjoy herself. That's all I want for her is to be happy." What does a child of such love do? How do I find the balance between the impossible and the reality? I'm not so delusional to think that they haven't had hardships, or fights, or near walkouts, because I know they have. But at the end of the day there is true companionship and commitment. They get it; but more specifically HE gets it. He understands that love is about giving of yourself without being asked to do it. Without being told, or cajoled or bullied. It's making a gesture because YOU WANT TO. Because you love someone so much that you feel you HAVE to. Compelled by your heart and your mind.
When Springsteen says, in the song "Drive All Night" - "I'd drive all night just to buy you some shoes" He's talking about a guy who is willing to do the grand gesture. He's willing to do the unusual if that is the wish of his lady. It doesn't mean he'd actually buy shoes (although I like to imagine he would, lol) it means he wants to go the distance to prove that their love is worth it.
I've always felt that I'm a open book and my heart on my sleeve. I say what I feel, even if it scares some away. There is no guessing with me. You always know how I feel cause I believe in saying so, and giving 100% to the person or people you love. So while I want the man in my life to be willing to tell me "I want you" or "I need you in my life" or "you're beautiful" I'm equally as willing to say it all right back if not more so. The street of romance is not one sided in my book. I'd also be happy with a "bless you" when I sneeze. I've always said I'm not looking for perfect it doesn't exist. But my standards are high and they fucking should be. My sister and I both have talked about how what we've grown up seeing has shaped the way we love and how we view love. We expect a lot because we know it's possible and it exists. Why strive for 3rd place?
So for now, I'm doing nothing. I'm in a holding pattern that is unsatisfying to say the least.
Oh and a side but related note: not getting enough sex has made me cranky. You know its an issue when the lawn boy mowing the office grass starts to take on epic placement in your daydreams. I was contemplating how to dump water on his head so he'd be forced to take off his shirt...yes that's right I live in the gutter thank you very much. I like it here. ;) Every remotely good looking guy I see in a truck starts to look good to me and I start wondering and wandering....I have a guys mind some days...
and on a totally unrelated note:
I read Eat, Pray, Love. I swear she wrote it for me, and it was an eyeopener. Has also made me think some more about meditation. Ah, but that's another blog entry...
Night kids.
Wanting to wait and ready to run
Maybe in a week
or a month
or a year you'll be ready.
Ready to open your mouth
and speak like you mean it.
Maybe in month
or a year
you'll look me in the eyes
and give me certainty
desire
and want.
Maybe in an hour
a day
or a week
I'll run far and free
till I find the future that
satisfies my mind
and my heart.
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