Own up

Work has been busy. As I always say I'd rather be busy than bored. Busy is always good - makes you feel like you're earning your keep and being productive. But sometimes it gets stressful and exhausting so by the time I get home, I can't muster the energy to move off the couch. This week is "career week" at the office. The company is hosting a myriad of events and meetings to foster career development and growth and "culture change". I went to a couple of the meetings and came away with some surprises. Not the "your getting a raise!" kind of surprise but the one that makes you reevaluate how you operate at your job. I don't consider myself as strong a leader as some of my peers. However I know I have the skills to train, cooperate and assist my teammates as well as assist management. In some respects I like the role of follower because I want to get things done. I want to feel a sense of accomplishment. However, I also like to help get the ideas down. I like building the process that might be used for getting that thing done. Unfortunately there is no proper title for all that. Head lackey? Yea, I guess that works. I work hard, I have a strong work ethic, and I know I contribute. But these meetings have made me ask myself some tough questions.
For example, what is MY ownership of my own career? I think on a regular basis we all fall into that trap of, "well I do great work, so it's only a matter of time before my boss recognizes it and promotes me." The problem with this mentality is that's not todays workplace. 10 years ago maybe, but not now. The tech savvy generation is here and they expect shit before they even walk in the door. Now you really have to take charge of what you want. So all of yesterday and today I've been asking myself - HOW do I own my future? What steps do I take to make it clear that I consider myself a success, and therefore an asset to the company i work for? I decided the first thing is this: I need to change my attitude about what I'm due. I'm not "due" anything. If I want to exact change to my future at work, then I need to make time with my manager. I can not wait for her to come to me. That's not fair. As I've always said, I'm not a mind reader, and its unfair of me to expect her to be. How can she possibly know what I want if I don't say so? So, I made the first step today in "owning" my career by scheduling a meeting with her to discuss what path I'm on and what goals I want to reach. I guess I finally had a moment where I realized I need to be the one taking the reins here - I can't leave this up to others. I don't know what took me so long to realize this.
Today some of us participated in a meeting about "Culture Change". Different cross sections of the company coming together to discuss what we want our company to look like, what kind of company we want to work for, and what are WE as individuals going to commit to doing to facilitate this change? It was a good discussion, and an honest one. So it got me thinking about little, yet impactful things that I personally can do to contribute. Its a hard question to answer but truly the only real change happens when each person does something and then you can see change as a collective. One thing I've been doing is working my ass off at not getting dragged into negative commentary or petty, hurtful gossip, etc. with my team. Sometimes what gets said seeps into my ears an I just don't want to hear it. Sometimes, it's hard. We all have rough days, and we need to vent. I have close friends that I vent to, and it's necessary to move past the emotion and then focus on the good - but the problem with the negativity is that it breeds this defeatist attitude...All it takes is one person with this mindset. If enough people listen to it, and take it in, it's like a disease. It spreads and then the dissatisfaction level rises and then the thought of leaving a place you once loved is easy.
My venting is done outside of work with those close friends on a personal level, a different set of trust rules, and an entirely different environment. It's never mean or petty talk its blowing off steam and laughing till we can't breathe kind of venting.
I'm conciously deciding to stay out of my teams chattering ways. I love them. I work with awesome people. But I'm trying to focus on the customer - our customer by getting my work done and being present in my job. Like I said, it's NOT EASY. It's hard. But I'm doing it. Sure sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on things, but then again, what am I missing? Am I missing hearing cubemates tear someone up? Nah, that's not for me anyway. On the whole, I love everyone I work with, but I don't love the gossipy/negative chatter that prevents me from actually WORKING. So, this is one of my commitments. I need to come up with at least one other to email the leader of the meeting. I came away with some food for thought. I just need to kind of get out of my own way and take ownership of my life. and not just at work - at home as well.
Lately I feel sorta flat, like I'm walking on a path, in winter, with snowboots on. I mean that's a slow ass walk. I just don't know where the path is going, and where is the end? When do I get to stop walking? When can I rest and enjoy myself? I know it sounds grim, and I'm laughing about that description but I don't know how else to put it. Ever have days where you don't know how you got to work? Or you get through the day, come home and do your thing and yet you don't FEEL any of it? I know it's not depression - I know what that is and it's not that - it's just a general malaise that is aggravating me.
I think this career week thing has actually been more helpful than I expected. It's sorta kicked me in the ass a little to take some responsibility for myself and my future. No one else is going to do it for me. I just need to execute my intentions. That's always the hardest part.

**Side note, I got a Kindle. It was a gift from The Dork. I love it. I'm shocked that I love it. I'm a fan of books. Real live books that you can actually hold, touch and feel as you turn each page. I love the smell of books. I have two full bookshelves of books. But, on the other hand, I can't store all the books I have. I can't save them to a harddrive. I've already downloaded three books -
Augusten Burroughs "Magical Thinking"
John Sandfords latest in the "Prey" series (mystery)
and a classic - Sense and Sensibility
I'm almost done with Magical Thinking. I LOVE IT. Augusten is amazingly funny, and his tragic upbringing is incredible and heartrenching and yet he's made it all funny.
I love the fact that I have three books, in one place, that I can take anywhere and read - or with headphones it will read to ME!! Yes, I'm a dork, I know this.
Time to go read. My Kindle is waiting.