Recently I had a revelation of sorts about myself. I know this can happen at any time and at any point in life but I figured I had myself pretty well sorted out. Not so. There is apparently much more to learn.
The revelation came out of an argument with my mom. I'm not going to delve into the minutae of this blowout, but needless to say in her way of attempting to be helpful, she just made me feel bad about myself. Counterproductive to what she intends and yet that's how it all came out.
In the middle of this argument I realized this -
I DON'T HAVE TO SIT HERE. I DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO THIS. I'M 36. I CAN LEAVE.
For whatever reason, I'd NEVER considered this before. I guess you spend your life being the child and one day you're an adult but nobody told you that. Sure, you work, you play you do the things that grownups do, but when it comes to that parent/child dynamic, you are still the child. The idea that you can leave, you can walk away from a negative and hurtful situation seems so foreign to me. I never realized I could do that. In that moment, I stood up and left. I got in the car and drove away. Granted, she called me, and I came back, but the point is, I can GO. I don't have to stay and be berated for things I already know. I know that I need to exercise and take care of myself. I know that in some ways i'm a complete and utter mess. But don't hit me over and over again with a club. really, I GET IT. The other interesting thing about this, is I had just posted a few days before this fight that when there is a lot of silence I'm more motivated to move. This bruise pushing doesn't help me. It only makes me say fuck you that much louder. I know it's a childish response and not helpful to me in any way, but I can't help it. Don't continually hurt me in the same way over and over again and expect results. If anything you just push me farther away.
I guess I have way more to figure out about myself. This one was a surprise but worth it.
On another note, abby comes home today. She spent a week with her dad, (daycare closed) and now she comes back with mom. I miss my peanut. Sometimes I irrationally worry that she'll forget about me when she's gone, but logically i know that's just fucking stupid. I'm her mom, and she knows who I am. She will never forget me. So i gotta calm down. :) I did buy her a new book. Ricky Gervais of "The Office" fame puts out these pop up children's books of made up monsters and its called "Flanimals" they are fantastic. So I'm looking forward to reading that one to her later on.
For now, a possible nap, and working on the project of me plan. I reintroduced myself to my workout clothes. They said hello in a sort of huff - we haven't talked in a while so I think they're hurt. The sneakers are coming out as well...let's go walking people.
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