Random thoughts

So I just stuffed myself with chicken and rice. This is what I made: chicken tenders coated in bisquick mix,cheese,salt(oven baked) and then I whipped up a awesome dipping sauce. Mayo, brown mustard, and Harry and Davids honey mustard sesame sauce. It rocked. Sometimes the simplest things are truly the best. Now I'm way full and wish I didn't have jeans on....Would be awkward to blog in no pants. ANYHOO....

I've got a few things on my mind. Lets dump them all out shall we? I'm debating on going back on "happy pills" as I call them. Mainly I'm way to weepy these days and not sleeping well, and just not quite myself. I figured I could live without them, but apparently I can't. Genetics are a pretty strong thing I hear...There are only so many crying jags you can have at work before everyone thinks you're crazy. Nothing makes the natives more nervous than a crying woman. Plus the financial stress has pushed me to frequent bouts of flat out inactivity. I just can't live this way. I like being motivated and I find myself slipping into the abyss of staring at my fingernail for 10 minutes more and more. Which on occasion is fine, but not on a regular basis.

I miss a lot of things. I miss being able to sleep next to someone and hear them breathing. I miss looking forward to going home cause the person you love best is there for you. One of my friends at work asked me if I could, would I go back. Back to a time when things were really "good". I told her no. How can one go back? Life changes you and warps your sense of what was. If I went back today, it would be as me now. You don't get the choice to go back the same way you came in. But along that line, I do miss a lot of the things that were "good". Rides to the beach on the weekends, naps. God, naps together on a Sunday afternoon were great. Its funny how those things disappear. How does that happen? How is it that one day you turn around and suddenly you aren't looking at yourself anymore and the person looking back at you is not who you think it is? I know logically it takes time but it seems overnight.
One other thing I miss is hugs. I love hugs. Hugs make everything better. I actually feel sorry for people who can't stand "touching" or people in their personal space. A hug can ease every tense muscle you have and make you want to drift off to sleep. Doesn't matter how much money you have, you can't put a price on a hug. It is indescribable how great it makes one feel. There are different types of hugs too. The bear hug, the hug where two people sway side to side (my sis and I do this one :) the cuddle hug, the pat on the back hug...a million variations of something so simple and yet soooo satisfying. Hugs express love and kindness, caring and concern. I love hugging my daughter. She hugs me tight and tells me she loves me and it is the best thing in the whole world. See, if I went back in time, I wouldn't have that. I wouldn't have a beautiful child who loves me implicitly no matter how nutty I am. She squeezes my neck and tells me I'm "the best mommy ever." It melts away the entire world. That is so acute and immediate. So priceless. I miss living with a man who will also extend that kindness my way. I crave emotional and physical attention much like a junkie needs his fix. I can stand on my own two feet just fine, but I need the occasional lift to keep me going. Hugs do that. So, I wouldn't go back. It would never be the same. It would hurt to much also to go back and already know the outcome. Plus, I know what I need now, and I don't think going backwards would push me forwards. But I wouldn't mind going back for a visit for a hug or two.