My past meets the future

One step up two steps back. I think that's a Springsteen song. It's kind of how I feel today. and yesterday. Let me start at the beginning -
My ex and his girlfriend are in the process of moving back into the house that my ex and I bought together many years ago. While, in theory, I"m fine with this, in reality it's wrecking a bit of havoc with my mind and my heart. I knew the time would come when I'd walk back into that house, I'd see abby in it, I might even be hanging out by the pool again. It's been two years since I've set foot on the property let alone the house. Abby was dying to see her dad, and I'm never a bitch about that. Her father is important to her, and if she wants to see him I will do whatever I can to make that happen just as I know he'd do the same for me. So I called him up, and I brought abby over. I knew that this day would come eventually and I'd have to face the past and see the future all at the same time. You don't think this kind of shit will affect you when it's been over two years. I was thinking to myself, "No big deal. Who cares. It's only a house. It's like a new place. It's not yours anymore. You're so over it." I am over it. I'm over all of it, but it doesn't mean that the memories and the moments don't sink back into the grey matter. I walked in the house and it's been cleaned, and its painted and looking fresh and new. New like it did the first time. It wasn't so much the way the house looked, or being inside it that affected me, it was the entire concept of seeing my past and viewing a future all at the same time. I can remember us laughing about all the idiotic things the original owner had done. All the plans we had...the flowers I planted. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a little surreal.
The ex and I will always be special to each other, we created life and that bond never disappears; but we weren't meant to be. I know he's in love and happy with the girlfriend. She's nice, I like her. We get along quite well funny enough. But I can't help but feel like I"m watching my life all over again. Logically I know that's stupid. I know that's not possible. But still I feel like I"m watching a movie and the actors are the same.
I was fine while I was there, and it does look nice. I got back to my apartment, and I was feeling calm about it, and yet I started to feel sad. Sad for all the things that never were, sad for what died, and just plain sad. I kept it together and didn't cry for a few hours. Later I did. While talking to the boyfriend. Bringing his hammered state (he's in CA with his best friend) to a grinding halt. I couldn't help it. I heard his voice and I just melted and couldn't quite keep it together anymore. I told him it was hard. Harder than I thought it would be. He understood.
I know next time, (and yes there will be a next time I'm sure) I'll be totally fine. In the back of my mind somewhere I knew this first pass through the house would be tough. I guess I somehow glazed over that when I drove over there yesterday. I somehow thought it would not matter. That was dumb. Of course it matters. It's my past, it was my life for about 8 years. You can't erase the bits that cause you pain and in turn joy. They coexist together and you can choose which to feel but they never go away. They heal, they scab over, but really it's all just under the surface.
I shed a tear or two for the past, for the things I missed about that place. I'll get over it, I'll move on and someday I'll be in a house again (I hope) and new joyful events will occur that fill my heart with peace. Right now, it's just hard. and you know, I don't want them to not be excited or happy. They should be. It's a new start for them both together. They have every right to be happy and in love. So I'm not trying to shit on anyone's parade. I'm just getting used to the idea that my past, my history is not really my own to cart around. It's been reopened and repurposed. Abby has no recollection of ever being there. She shouldn't she was a baby when she was there. It's all new for her which is great. I want it to be fun for her and a great experience. I know it was for me.