A Hookup

More back story to make sense of the new stories. I'm thinking this happened in Spring of 09 but I have no real concept of time anymore so I could be wrong. You know how that goes, you get older and what seemed like last week was last year. Anyway, so at this point in my life, in this story, I'm single. Officially divorced. Out and about. I met this guy, or should I say young man and started talking to him. (Met him through a dating site I was on). At first I did it as a lark. I mean he was in his young twenties and here I was, old by his standards. But i was curious. So I talked to him. He was(still is) hopeful and romantic and full of wonder. Things that I used to be. A person that I used to be. Before episodes of my life slapped it out of me. God, remember what that was like? 21, 25 - being in complete wonder at everyone and everything feeling each day like it was a possibility. He's a dreamer, a musician (I know) an artist in a way and romantic. However, I was not really inclined to be the "cougar" in this situation. I was (still am) a single mom with a shitload of responsibility and inner conflict. I was unsure of what he truly wanted and what I wanted to give. I didn't see the world the way he did. Likely will be a long time till I do again.
But, he came along at the right time I suppose. I was feeling unattractive and needy. He catered to the need in me to be adored. Even if only for a short time. Besides, I was horny. What else is new. But, with all the nice things he said, he had issues. No job, no car, no apartment. Still lived with mom and dad. Nothing says SEXY like still living with Mom and Dad! Oi.
He wanted a caretaker. I was having enough trouble taking care of myself and my child let alone another "adult". But the desire for human touch was much greater than my logical self could get over.I wanted to get laid and feel close to someone if only for a moment. So I caved. I met him. It was awesome. What would one expect of a twenty something with stamina and no responsibilities? Anyway, it was a one time event that I don't regret but wasn't up for repeating either.
He couldn't offer me anything that would sustain a real relationship. I was honest but nice. Told him he had the whole world in front of him, and he should go explore it. He attempted to plead his case - stated "I don't need much, just love me." Which in theory as we all know, is not enough. Some movies try to say it is, but its not usually true. Love can help it can mend but work is what makes something like a relationship last. Real work.
I bring all this up because he messaged me last night out of nowhere. I had apparently not deleted him off my chat list, and I haven't talked to him in over a year now. He asked me how I was, and did I want to "hang out" with him. I told him I didn't think it was a good idea. He says to me "But don't you think we'd be so good together?" (sigh). "no, I don't." How many ways does one explain that our worlds are so totally different on so many levels? I then asked him if he had a job or a car or an apartment. I got silence. Nothing has changed for him in any way. Those are basic deal breakers for me. One of my main qualifications is that as a man, you SHOW UP, BE a man, be self-sufficient and a functioning adult. I don't ask for much but I require some accountability for yourself. He is not there yet and may never be. Which is his choice, but I have more goals and dreams for myself than that.

On a side note I was listening to a Police song today, "Message in a Bottle". I forget how simple that song is and yet how great. One of the lines in the song is:
"LOVE CAN MEND YOUR LIFE BUT LOVE CAN BREAK YOUR HEART"
I was thinking about that today. That is a truth if I ever heard one. Love can make you feel on top of the world and fearless. It can be a security blanket and all enveloping. But when it breaks you it cuts you in pieces. Its very sharp and biting. But I still think, with all the risk involved, its worth it to still try even if failure is the outcome. Cause without trying, there is no possibility of winning.