Late summer musings

So I survived the 40th birthday. No major fanfare, fireworks or drunken escapades. I hung out with my girls, we talked, and laughed. Or more accurately they recounted their favorite "Jen dating stories". So for my friends who where there and hadn't heard them, I retold them. We all laughed. Great food, good stories and laughter. It was PERFECT. Summer moved on...I started my new job. To backtrack, early June I applied for a job, and after much back and forth I got it. I was overjoyed. I worked for 6 months on trying to get into this place. It was validation for me and finally I could breathe. So I've been there a little over a month now and its great. the atmosphere is calm, and the people are so nice. How rare is it for total strangers to say hello? in the workplace it normally is. Not here. I was taken aback when someone I didn't know said hello to me. I've learned to smile even more at work. It's mood boosting. Towards the end of June I decided to dip my toe back into dating. Well - it's been amusing. Once again I'm amazed by the things men will ask you on a dating site. Things they'd NEVER ask you in person, but the beauty of the interwebs is you never have to face a person if you don't want to. So, I've been asked if I want to be with a man who is in a OPEN relationship. hmmm...does your WIFE know you're in an open relationship? I doubt it. I also got asked to be with a "sugar daddy". that was a new one. He would pay for things as long as I would go out with him...hmmm again while I have bills I need to pay, not worth it to be basically considered an escort. I'll pass THANKS. Men from Missouri to India have messaged me...NEITHER are close last time I checked. and while I think 60 isn't old, I'm not looking to date a man who is 60. Same goes for the 22 year old. Just....NO. What have I learned from all of this? I'm tired. This exhausts me. Which only fosters the belief I had back in March that I'm not ready for this. I just don't want it. A large part of me wants MY time. ME. ME ALONE. ME DOING WHATEVER I WANT. So I"m caught between wanting it all and wanting none of it. If some magic karma like love at first sight kind of thing happens - cool. But I have other things to work on. I think I've been looking for approval from the wrong places. Looking for a man to make me forget the things in my life that I don't like. Put another way, looking for a distraction from what I actually need to get done to move forward in my life. The problem with this is, I've forgot how to listen to myself, and I've forgot that any change, starts from within, and I'll never get that condo/house if I don't start really, and truly tackling the issues in my life. I need to look for approval from myself. I need to really listen to that gut that has never steered me wrong. In conjunction with my own desire to meditate if you will, and seek some direction from within, I will continue the therapy. Because that's one step in the right direction, and one step in a way that will continue to foster a sense of success. Cause right now, I'm battling every negative voice in my head. I'm hearing that negative voice that's ever told me I can't do something. that's what's ruling my life right now. It's very difficult to ignore that voice. Especially when they've spent the whole of your life telling you what to do. So sometimes, when I procrastinate, that really isn't me being lazy, I think it's me being afraid. Afraid to be successful at what I actually want. Afraid to do something other than listen to those negative voices...you shouldn't eat that...you need to lose weight...you'll fail at this like you did everything else...no one wants to hire someone who is overweight...men only want skinny girls...Such bullshit. I wish I could explain to people how loud that voice is. Sometimes its almost impossible to hear my own. It's like my voice is being crushed by an elephant and she can barely get the words out...YOU ARE GREAT. YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH. YOU CAN MOVE MOUNTAINS. YOU ARE A GREAT MOM. I'm trying to help her get louder. ****************** On a completely separate note, my child starts 2nd grade next week. Boy how fast time moves. She is more beautiful and smart with every passing day. I'm so proud of her and lucky to be her mom. She gives me tremendous joy. So while there are days that I miss what once was, I know that my ex and I were meant to be together for a short time only - we were meant to bring her into the world and watch her shine. It's so much fun. ******************** Still on track to get the tattoo. Saw first sketch of what I'm likely going to get. Its lovely. Also reached out for some tattoo artist suggestions in my area. So, the plan is in progress. Some pain is necessary when trying to be reborn into what you are meant to be. Whatever that is. Stay tuned kids.

What I'm looking at and looking for

As I've stated before, I'm what one would call an infrequent writer. Which doesn't do much for ones writing skills, but there it is. I think I last posted in January..and it's now June. Hence the term "infrequent". That being said, I always swore I wasn't going to manufacture stuff to write about, I wanted to keep this honest and forthright. I wanted to make this a conversation with my friends as much as a conversation with myself. Because I'm usually moved to write when my brain is full. When stress, or life or just everything is banging around in my head and I can't make sense of any of it. So I spill it all out here and try and make sense of it. My sis asked me once if I hold anything back ever or do I always put it all out there. I told her yes, some things I do hold back for privacy reasons, but if I want to write from a place of honesty, then I have to be real with myself. I have to show my insecurities my dumb thoughts and my occasional smart ones as well. So with that being said, let's talk about therapy. Everyone has a different view point on it. Many think it's very helpful, others think its a crock of shit, some think it's only for crazy people. I never had an opinion on it. I knew that it could be helpful, but ultimately you have to be committed to it in order for it to work. I've thought on and off about going for a long time but was never ready. Never quite there. When my marriage was in trouble, the ex and I tried marriage counseling, and I think it could have worked - had we done it sooner. I was committed 100% but I didn't realize how far emotionally and mentally he had walked away. So it wasn't successful for us. So I shelved it as I didn't think I needed it. I figured, I don't have problems like people who need therapy. Which, now that I think about it, is fucking dumb. I mean what does a "person who needs therapy" look like?? The main reason why I had even considered it was I need questions about my own behavior answered. Why do I procrastinate so much? Why am I unmotivated to exercise more? Why do I sometimes feel paralyzed to make a decision? Where the fuck am I going in life? See I couldn't answer any of these questions on my own. I'm great at dispensing advice to others, but horrible at answering that shit for myself. Still can't really. But as with most things in life, a breaking point came. I had to visit my doctors office for a general checkup. No big deal. The Dr. asked me one question. "How are you?" Funny how sometimes one question is far more than you can deal with. I laughed a little, then spilled out a lot of words all at once, in between tears and nose blowing. I'm losing my job, don't know when, moved home, stressed, frustrated, blah, blah, blah...and she said the best thing. "well, it seems like you have the tools to fix things, but maybe you need some direction." Until that exact moment, I had never considered therapy as "direction". But that is exactly what it is. So I found someone to talk to. I've been going for a couple months now. I have to say my only regret is that I didn't do this sooner. After the first couple sessions, I said to her, "sometimes I feel silly doing this. I know there are people who have real, terrible problems and I feel like my issues are nothing in comparison." She looked at me and said, "Yes, some people have a lot worse problems than you. But don't you deserve to take care of yourself as much as anyone else does?" I do. I don't feel silly any longer. I have explained to friends that therapy feels like this - Let's say you spend your whole life looking out of the same window. The therapist tells you to look out that same window and says, "look at that bird fountain." Suddenly your world view is entirely different. You never saw that bird fountain before. EVER. So you readjust your view. You figure out how this changes things, makes it better or worse. It is not easy. Not at all. But like with this blog, I vowed to commit to it,and be 100% open and honest. I can't change other people, I learned that a LONG time ago. But, I can change ME. I can be better. If I want certain results, and what I've been doing hasn't worked, then I need to do something different. It's easy to say certain things about myself. I'm stubborn. I'm impatient at times. I procrastinate. It's entirely different to admit, out loud, to a stranger, the parts of yourself that you don't tell anyone about. THAT is hard. But, while every other visit seems to end in tears, I don't regret it one bit. It's been extremely helpful, and if some people judge me because of it, so be it. I don't give a fuck and I'll never apologize for it. Is it so wrong to want to understand myself better? Nah. not at all. With all this attempt at self discovery, I've taken a break from dating. I'm open to the idea of meeting someone, but I'm not actively doing anything about it. the guy I was seeing/dating back in January ended in February. One of those things where we just stopped talking. Oh and I forgot his birthday. Yea I'm an asshole. I mean had I truly cared I would have remembered. Well...apparently I did not care as much as I thought because I completely forgot. Then wondered why he didn't talk to me for like 3 days. Nice Jen. Way to go. So, we just...faded. That is when I said enough. I need a break. a breather. a step back. I did go out on one date recently - it was alright. He was a nice guy - but didn't want to get involved with a woman with a young child. Eh, so it goes. I would love to meet a nice man who wants one girl. Oh and preferably a man is who is single himself. Not married, in a relationship, etc. At this point if it was a single woman I'd be down with that. Just a person who is also single. Although right now I'm not really a great sell. I mean here's my bio - I'm 39, single mom with child, moved home with parents, losing my job in likely 3 months, have a cat, I do have a car! and oh yea I'm in therapy. Doesn't that sound awful??? I mean I know I'm a good person, big heart, and I'd love the right person 110%..but Jesus who wants to get involved in my fucking mess?? I mean one of the first questions I ask a guy is, "Do you live in your mothers basement? Do you have your own place? Do you tie women up in the basement? Do you have a job?" So how the fuck can I judge when I'm ALL of those things? well, practically. At least I can laugh at all of it. Otherwise I'd be in the fetal position crying. Which I've considered don't get me wrong. I'm sure things will change - the one constant about life is that it will change. Maybe I'll grab hold of my shit and it will even out.... So i'm now only a matter of weeks away from the big 40. I'm still committed to the tattoo thing - I reached out to an artist friend of mine to draw me something since I'm inept at putting together what I want. He is going to do it and I'm super excited. So that is a goal I can manage to get excited about. Other things might be complete shit but at least that will work. HA I'm also planning a little shindig for me and my friends to celebrate the 40th. I'm not a big Casino person, Lord I have so little money as it is, I'm going to give it away like that? Nah..I just want to hang out, drink, and laugh with my girlfriends. Be silly. Be funny, be happy. My bestest friend is offering up her house and yard, so it should be great. It will be wonderful to be with my extended family of sisters. :)They likely have no idea how much I love them and how much they bring me joy. So while we could go out to a fancy place, and get all dressed up...that's not me. I'm a beer and shorts or jeans kind of girl..sit by a fire and talk about silly things or things we love. Cause the only thing I do well, is ME. It's all I know how to do.

Reflections and shit

Here we are. On the brink of another new year. Since I hate resolutions we just won't even discuss them. However I'm not against some reflection. this fall has been...odd. I left my apartment in September to move home. Every womans dream to move home with mom and dad at 39. We leave home with the intention of never living there again. Money can change that decision right quick. My apartment was becoming more of a burden than a joy, and since my child comes first, the next best choice was moving home. It's been an adjustment for my parents as well as me. Overall however it's been good. Doing our best to be respectful of both parties and not interrupt each others space. I'm paying rent to my parents because there is no way, in good conscience that I could have moved back here and not help out. Had I done that, I would have been taking advantage. The peanut loves it of course. Much for freedom to run outside and be a kid. Which is as good for her as it is for me. So the goal is that I'm not here forever. Save some money, get a condo or small house to call my own. We'll see how that goes. But that's the goal. Another fall change was my ex and his wife had a baby. A little baby boy who looks a lot like is sister. Little babies are so wonderful. They enter the world with no preconceived notions or knowledge of the ills of the world. I visited them a few times, held the little boy and marveled at how relaxing it is when its not your child! I placed him on my chest and his head was right under my chin, and he fell fast asleep. Breathing soundly, listening to my heart I guess. I really wish there was a way to bottle that sense of calm it gives me. Holding a baby like that is such a perfect moment. Brought me right back to holding the peanut and falling asleep with her just like he was on my chest. Its magic. It's so much good in a such a little package. I know I don't want to carry any more kids, but I'm more than happy to put one to sleep and cuddle them in a chair. The peanut is now 6 so she's not that small anymore. But I relish the time she spends in my lap and resting on my arms. It won't last forever. I have a limited window left for lap time. So it is nice to see her little tiny brother and hold him. It's not wierd to me, it's not odd. We are friends and actually, I'm glad of that. I'm glad we've managed to be so much better than the statistics. That was October. So after the birth of the baby, the end of October ushered in a hurricane displacing my sis and her roommate from Jersey to this little house. I can't lie, I liked having them here. I think it was good on a few levels. My sis got to spend quality time with her niece, who loves her sooo much. My sis also got to see the changes in our parents up close. It was good for her to see all that. But also, it was fun. We laughed a lot. We helped each other, she cooked some fabulous meals and we spent time together. I miss her when she isn't here, so thanks to such a devastating hurricane, I got extra time with my sis. It was good for both of us I think. Then before you know it it's December. Christmas shopping, working, running,running,running...my favorite time of year. However joyful it was, the end of the month was colored by tragedy. I live here in CT, so the tragedy in Newtown was especially close to home. It was felt by everyone in this state and all over the world. Everything I've done since that Friday is colored by thoughts of 20 6 and 7 year olds who no longer walk the earth. I look at my child, and I see other faces. I wash her clothes, brush her hair, tuck her in bed and I see parents who can't do any of that anymore. Even if they have other kids to care for, they are well aware that one child is missing. That there is another room they won't go to at night. How do you deal with that? As a parent how can you move forward? I don't know what I'd do. I've had rough days where I didn't want to get out of bed but I forced myself to move because I had to - because I had to work, to provide for my child - what happens when that child, who motivated you, no longer is there? How does one move forward from that? I just don't know. I'm so saddened by it. Such senseless violence. How does one decide to do that? I realize only a mentally deranged person would act upon such thoughts, but it pains me to imagine those poor children. The media is moving on from the story, and I suppose we are supposed to move on. But it's in my thoughts and while I'm happy, blessed and thankful, I can't let it go. I can't stop thinking of those children and teachers who lost their lives. I guess that's the lesson isn't it? To never forget so it is not repeated...and yet mental illness is still a tragic problem in this country and we see this type of tragedy more frequently. While they are all upsetting and sad, something about small children being senselessly killed that makes it horrific and numbing. I've tried to do something to make me feel better while also being helpful. I donated a little money, made snowflakes for the school reopening, and donated school supplies. What I really wanted to do, which i know was impractical, was go stand on a street corner and just give out hugs. I"m sure there'd be plenty of people thinking I was a wack job but hugs do help! They do make it better even if for only a brief moment. unfortunately that entire town will need to recover in that manner - moment by moment. In a smaller sort of tragedy but no less awful, my parents had to put down their dog of 12 years. A boxer who loved being a lap dog even though she was 60 pounds. A dog with a cast iron stomach who, in her life, ate everything she could get her mouth on. Butter, loaves of bread, bagels, cake, nylons, socks, meat, bananas..oh yea and dog food. She will be missed...that was right before christmas. Such a tough time to say goodbye to anyone let alone a pet. Saving grace of the weekend was my sis and her boxer Casey. Casey doled out extra love and attention to mom and dad. The house is quieter without the dog. It is odd to not see her on her bed, or paroling the area for food as she often did. Dogs are so loyal and loving. They fill a place in your heart that people can't. I think our solace has been that Bama is with those 26 children and teachers. Giving them love and companionship. Licking faces and sitting on laps snoring up a blue streak. RIP Bama. Christmas came and it was great. Family time, wonderfully cooked food, and sweet treats. But I do have one moment that stands out. I was about to open my gifts, as we do them one person at a time, and little peanut says, "Mom, wait, I'll be right back I have to do something." I was like ok. She comes back after a couple minutes and gives me a card. Plain white paper, and wrote on with a blue pen. It says, "Mom I love you so much" which was sweet enough. but when I opened the inside it said this "Mom you worked so hard to raise me. Love Abby." Well, I lost it. I cried. a lot. She ran over to me and climbed in my lap and gave me a big hug. I can't express adequately what that felt like. No one asked her to do that, she just did it. I looked up and my sister was crying, my dad had teared up and my aunt was crying. I felt like the grinch. My heart grew three sizes that day. She spelled a couple things wrong but who cares?! It was the most perfect card i've ever got in my life. I second guess myself all the time as a mom. Am I doing this right? Does she look ok? Does this match? Did I get her lunch packed? Did I give her enough hugs today? Am I teaching her enough? Worrying about money, and my job, and taking care of her, and all the while giving her the right amount of attention and space...that card made me realize that in her eyes I'm alright. I'm doing a fine job. She is so smart and sweet and lovely. I know that I'm lucky she's in my world. She makes me infinitely happy even when I don't feel it. Even when I cry out of stress and anger, even when I'm exhausted, she gives me calm and peace. It was by far the best gift I received. Last topic for tonight. The guy I'm currently seeing...or dating, or whatever the fuck we're doing. SO it's been what, 4 months? yea how do I end up meeting these really nice guys who have commitment issues? I mean he's a good guy, great heart and is nice to me. Likes me, cares for me, but yet can't seem to make real time for me, and when I say things like "I miss you" he says...wait for it... NOTHING. what?!?! yup nothing. when I say things like "I can't wait to see you" i get...nothing. Now it's not as if i'm asking for a love letter written in blood. Just some level of excitement would be nice. Something that indicates you might actually want to spend time with me. You know, maybe you, as a MAN could initiate it. I feel like i'm putting in more effort. Who knows I could very well be the asshole. Maybe i'm wishing for there to be more there that isn't. Maybe he's been super upfront from the beginning and I've just been ignoring it. He says he's bucking conventional wisdom and moving "slow". Ok slow is not really what we're doing - SNAIL'S PACE is more like it. I'm patient and impatient all at the same time. I just don't know what's going to happen here. 4 months and I feel like its no different than it was 4 months ago. Which is enormously frustrating as I"m sure you can imagine. Such is my life. So. what do I do? I have no idea. Move forward I guess. Suck it up and keep going. My issue is tiny compared to what some are dealing with I know this. So 2013 is around the bend and I'm not going to make any real decisions just yet. I think i'll let 2013 sink in a bit and then decide. Cause let me tell you, it's 6 months till 40. Till I party like a rock star. Celebrate life I say cause it's rare and precious and I'm amazed I've made it. We're all stronger than we think. Happy New Year everyone. Go be great.

Women of the world unite!

It was a 70 degree day today. Crazy that the end of October is closing with t-shirt weather. Thank you Global Warming. So much going on.... While I typically keep my political leanings to myself, these days my level of disgust with the political landscape is palpable. Partically with the discussions on womens rights. Which is amusing to me in the sense that why MEN are discussing what WE as WOMEN get to do with our bodies is just craziness. I'm not talking about just the election either - I'm talking about politicians making my rights as a woman their priority. So many times I've wanted to scream at the TV "Who the fuck do you think you are?" As a woman I deserve to have the opportunity to make decisions about myself and my body without legislation looking over my shoulder to say NO you can't do that. No one should tell me, option A and B are available to you, there is option C, but the government has banned that choice. Then how the fuck is it CHOICE if you've banned it? That is the entire premise behind being pro-choice - and not just abortion but everything in life! We are a nation of choosers. We have the freedoms we have because our forefathers decided that we did not have the choices we wanted. The Freedom to live and worship and work in a way we wanted. Even if you never use the options available to you, the fact that they exist is exactly the foundation this country was built upon. CHOICE. Option is what makes freedom wonderful. I have a vagina, a man does not. Until a man has a vagina, experiences a period and gives birth to a child, he has NO RIGHT to tell me how to care for my body. I certainly don't walk around telling men how to care for their dick. Along the line of this, the words of Senator Todd Akin “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.” are disturbing - you'd think he was a caveman. Never mind the fact that scientifically this is IMPOSSIBLE but it is also RIDICULOUS!!! The female body is an amazing mix of function and design, however if it were able to "shut things down" don't you think we'd have chosen that for other things? Like I don't know...say..the PERIOD??? I mean if my body had the capability to do that I'd be thrilled! Do you think women want to get their aunt flo every month?!? So to even suggest that the female body can differentiate rape is asinine. As many have said since those statements, rape is rape. It is horrible no matter how it occurs. Women should be able to vist any facility they want to, and be treated like human beings as opposed to victims. It seems to me Mr. Akin would prefer to keep us locked in a basement somewhere and fed food and water once a week. We women are better seen and not heard right Mr. Akin? Don't get me wrong - I'm not against Republicans. I have always said that if a republican candidate emerges who meshes with my views and the democratic contender stinks, I'd happily vote republican. But I have yet to see a republican who treats me, a citizen of this great nation with respect and concern. Until that day, I vote with whom aligns most with what I believe it. Regardless of who you cast your vote for, make sure you've done the research and they are helping you not hurting you. Because depending upon who you vote for, the rights you enjoy today may be gone in 6months.

Slightly obsessed with Frank Ocean

Frank Ocean. I can't.stop.listening. My sister, being cooler than me, and 8 years younger, and having lived in NYC forever, gets into things before everyone else.She's been in love with it for like two months now. She has a blog which I view daily, and she posted something about how much she loved his new album. I was like, "ok I'll have to check that out." I didn't. I've got the Spotify site on my computer, and every day, since like mid July, it suggests what I should listen to. "Channel Orange" sits right at the front. Finally I'm like, I should at least hear it. Well needless to say it blew my mind. I basically downloaded it to my phone the next day. I haven't stopped listening to it. I'm frustrated cause I can't discuss my feelings on the cd with anyone cause no one has it.lol I felt this way when I first heard the Avett Brothers. Nothing like them exists anywhere. Same with Frank. His lyrics are so deep and multilayered...he has a nearly 10 minutes song called "Pyramid". At first you think he's actually talking about Cleopatra and Pyramids, but then somewhere in the middle of the song, you realize he was dreaming. He wakes up to see a woman calling herself Cleopatra getting dressed in his hotel room...."She's working at the Pyramid tonight"...now you're like WHOA he's talking about a strip club..it's these layers of emotions that grab me. When I first read all the titles to the songs, he has a "start" and an "end". On first listen, it's just background noise. But he has this background noise inbetween some of the songs. After listening to it like a million times (still not enough) I realized what's going on and again was like HOLY SHIT...it's as if he's hanging out with friends...playing video games, turning the dial on the radio looking for another song, or the right song. So the entire album is an event. At least that is my take on it. I suppose I could be way off, but the more I listen to it, the more it feels like that. Seriously I just can't believe I never knew someone this amazing existed. He sings about his first love, which was a boy, and he sings about women. His love of both sexes makes him universal. Real and touchable. I guess my best suggestion to everyone is listen. Listen hard to something you've never heard before and be transported and transmuted.

Reflection and forgiveness

I've always liked the peacefulness of a cemetery. Don't get it twisted I do not spend free time having picnic lunches with the dead. But the solitude that exists there is something we all strive for. I mean how often do we all say "Ugh, I just need my brain to shut off." "I just need some peace and quiet." We say it all the time. Walk into your nearest cemetery and you've got it. For about the past month, I've been wanting to go visit my grandmother. I haven't been to her grave since 2008, when she passed. I typically have conversations with both grandmothers. I know, it sounds odd. But, for those of you who have lost someone special, you know what I mean. I've always believed that when a loved one passes, they may go to heaven, maybe a different place, but whereever it is, its a place in which they are their best selves. Driving now when they couldn't before, running, when legs failed them on earth, happy when pain made it so they were not. With husbands and wives they haven't seen in decades. So, on occassion, when I'm stressed, or frustrated or even when I'm happy, I say a few words to both grandmothers. "Nana, Memere, I need a break. Please give me something." or I ask them to look out for someone headed their way. "Ladies I need you to welcome in Barbara, she's had a rough go." They are guardian angels for sure. Today just happened to be the day I went to visit Memere. I had one or two things weighing on my mind today. One of which was my ex got married today. I'm happy for him, but it's still a bit odd. The other day I was looking through some things and I stumbled on our wedding invitation from 1998. I found the guest book. Awkward. So while I know we have both moved on in our lives, memories still exist. Anyway, I was on my way to do laundry at my parents, (laundry sucks. Just sayin') and who doesn't need a delay from that...So i drove to the cemetery and sat down at her grave. no one else was there- well except the other dead people, but they were pretty quiet. So i talked out loud. Told her I loved her, I missed her, and that I wish I knew what was next. I told her I wished i knew the answer to how she survived losing her husband after 10 years, and raising three kids alone. I asked her how she never met anyone else. I know that her husband Phillip was the love of her life, but I still don't know how she never wanted to meet someone else. Have more companionship, friendship and love. She never did. I cried some. Not really sure why. Just felt emotional. I told her I know she and Nana are always there for me, but sometimes it's hard and I wish they could tell me which way to go. The sky was grey and cloudy - thunderstorms getting ready to roll through. I sat in the humidity and stared at the blackeyed susans. Feeling the hot breeze while the hawks flew overhead. The nearest I've come to meditation of any sort in a long time. I left feeling a little less burdened. Oh and my laundry did get done. Tomorrow is a trip to Boston, Coldplay concert, some drinking, shopping, and bullshitting. The girls weekend myself and a best friend have been trying to plan for like 3 years. LOL ************************************************************************************ On the topic of my ex getting married again, I will say again that I'm happy for him. Prior to this, I was debating about buying a card. Do I get one? Is it my place? I'm not getting one. I can't do this. Don't be an ass, just do it. It's funny how many people in your head can argue. The Buddhist voice in my head who likes to get cards for people won. They really don't have a section of wedding cards for "From Exwife to exhusband". Maybe that's my future job. Greeting cards for the divorced. I mean all the cards were over the top sappy, and I'm not that type of person, and it didn't suit the situation. There wasn't even "from a friend". So I picked something generic and used my own words. The thing is, right after I gave it to them, I felt good. See I'm starting to realize something. True forgiveness of another person, whomever they may be, comes only when you start acting like it. I forgave myself a long time ago for errors committed during our marriage, and I forgave him, but taking that extra step and acting that way is hard. It's easy to listen to the spiteful bitch in your head - but that is exactly who that voice is - a spiteful bitch who operates from a position of distruction not rebuilding. The buddhist voice who suggests forgiveness is the one I need to listen to more often. She seems to know what I really want. So I listened to her again this morning when I debated about posting a positive well wish to my ex and his new wife on facebook. the voices in my head argued again, and I could hear her, quiet but strong. So, I posted it, and I felt better. Interesting I thought. I hope to hear her voice more often and I'm thinking she'll get louder each time I listen. Then she can step on each spiteful, critical voice and reduce them to what they are. Nothing.

Permanent Ink

So I'm finally getting a tattoo. Yup. After years of thinking about it, picturing it in my head, and talking about it, I made the appointment. For many years I figured I'd never get one cause I'd never be able to decide on what to get. I didn't want to just get anything and then years later someone asks me about it.."Hey why'd you get that tat?" and my response is "I don't know, I was sorta drunk and it seemed like a good idea." yea, that's no way to make a decision about something permanent on your body. After I had my peanut, I was convinced I wanted one. No more wavering. I set a goal - by the time I'm 40. (Hey tats cost money kids.) Plus I figured that would give me time to decide what I wanted, and where I wanted it. I knew I wanted something to represent my peanut. She is everything to me. sun, moon, stars. A few weeks ago, I was with a girlfriend who is getting one, and I went with her to make her appointment. While standing there, listening to them talk, I decided...fuck it. What am I waiting for? You know you want this. Go for it. So I made an appointment for myself. It will likely hurt, I'll cry and laugh, will probably have to pee midway through, it will cost to much, and I'll stress over placement. But so what? I want something to represent my daughter and my love for her. I've chosen a dragon. Inspiration comes from a dragon necklace I bought at a renaissance faire which I totally love. (I can hear my sister laughing right now. Huzzah!!) It is supposed to be a representation of Grendel, the dragon in the epic tale of Beowolf. I've always felt Grendal was wronged. She was protecting her young. I know, as a mother, if someone ever harmed my child, and god forbid caused her death I would become the vigilante hunter. There is no greater pain than the loss of a child - I would seek restitution. So the protective nature of dragons appeals to me. As for how to get abby in the picture - she suggested a rose. So it may be a dragon wrapped around a rose. We shall see. I'm culling pictures and I have one hanging on my fridge that I stare at daily. I love it every time I look at it. I figure if i still love it in another month, that's the one. As for where...I don't know. I want to be able to see it. My arm? my back? Unsure. I realize this is an important decision. No moving placement around once its started. So i'm trying to figure that out. Its become more and more important to me as the years pass. Not sure why, I just know that my child is everything to me. I asked my dad what he thought and his sage words of advice were, "Well...you have to live with it." Thanks dad. My mom is creeped out and afraid of disease regardless of the advances in sanitary disposal and cleaning of needles. She is convinced that I will contract some horrible infection, disease, life threatening illness. Doesn't matter how clean I told her the place is, how professional, that I know people who have gone to this artist..nope. No convincing her otherwise. I love the way parents think. I know, that some day my child will eye roll me, and sigh or shake her in head in exasperation over some dumb comment I've made. I'll back up some long held conviction and she'll look at me and go "WHAT?!" I know this cause I do this now to my own parents. I love them with all my heart. Defend them forever and do anything for them. But when I hear them say things that have no basis in reality I can't help but laugh and be like, "really?" But that is the way it is when we get older. Personally I'm excited at the prospect of getting old, being obnoxious and wearing crazy clothes, and people will laugh at me, get mad but ultimately go, "sigh, well she's old." Being a child or an old person can help you get away with anything.

Just a few things

Not really sure how to sum up the past 7 months. Let's see...highlights - joined a gym. Started eating healthy, went to two wakes, lost 12 pounds, car died, bought new car, fell off the wagon and starting eating poorly, and here I sit with a sinus infection. I'm always amazed how when looking at life you can sum it up in single words. Drill it down to pin pricks. So what to discuss...the wakes. I have to talk about it because it was painful. All within the span of a couple weeks. My ex husbands Aunt. A cancer survivor and battler. Cancer is such a scourge upon the people we know and love. Its similar to termites in my mind. You can eradicate them, and they might be gone, but if you miss some, they remultiply and tear through everything that matters to you. She was a sweet woman, and when my ex and I had first got engaged,she went out of her way to show how happy she was for us. When our daughter was born she had tears of joy while holding our little one. One day in March I think, I realized that she was more ill than I had thought. I was debating back and forth about going to see her. Was it still my place? Should I go? Yes I should go...and the back and forth in my mind. I finally decided if I didn't see her and say goodbye I'd regret it. So I went. I sucked it up and went. It was like I wasn't seeing her at all. I was seeing someone else. She was swallowed up by the bed, sinking into the blankets. She could barely speak. I got really close, kissed her forehead, told her I loved her, and that I was sorry for not seeing her sooner. She told me she loved me, and was glad I was there. I could barely hear her. It was a low whisper. You could tell the words were hard to get out. It wasn't long after that visit that she passed. I knew it. I think even harder than saying goodbye, was seeing her mother stand in the kitchen and cry. Then look at me and go "It isn't good is it?" What do you say? How do you tell a mother her child is about to die? A mother never loses hope that her child will live and thrive. A mother is not supposed to see her child go before her. Doesn't matter how young or old. So I hugged her. What else is there to do? The wake was terrible as are most wakes. All I could try and remember is that she is at peace. You know just because you get divorced, and are no longer a couple, it doesn't mean you forget all the people you spent 10 years of your life with. So I said goodbye. Then the worst part. 3 weeks later I think? her son died. He had battled drugs for years, and was not able to overcome those demons. Many of us think his mother took him - she worked so hard to try to help her son - all she wanted was for him to be sober - and I think the only way she knew that could be was for him to be with her. So it was painful to say goodbye to someone so young. So I saw my ex's grandmother again. So strong- but again how she had to say good bye to her daughter and grandchild..not right. To much death all at once. So all this death always makes one reevaluate life. So you start looking at where your going, what are your goals...and I was doing well with the working out and eating well. Proud of myself for losing 12 pounds! Such a big deal for me. I haven't lost any weight in years. and I've been loving the gym I'm going to. My trainer is supportive, and yet gets on my ass to keep moving. Then my car thing, and my dad went in the hospital for a week, and I just started to emotional eat again. and still work out. But it's a spiral. and the voices start coming in. You can't do this. You've never been able to do this. You don't know how to be committed. You can't overcome who you are. Just accept that you'll never be fit. Just give up. Then, another voice moves in. My mother. Since I began this exercise plan, I get the critical. I get the occassional word of support, but overall, it's "Can you eat that?" "When's the last time you went to the gym?" "You don't seem to be following the plan." "I don't think you can eat that." It's funny how tone can change everything. I know her intentions are good, but I don't need that from her. I need positive support. I don't need to be criticized cause I do it to myself enough. I don't need to be looked up and down. I mean I have to look in the mirror at myself. Doesn't matter how sexy I might feel, or how much I love my curves, I can see the areas that I don't like. I don't have a tight stomach. It's soft. lol. There is a roll or two in places i wasn't sure could roll. So believe me I cast that critical eye better than anyone. But I also have high self esteem. I believe in myself. I know how strong I am. I believe I'll get to where I want to be even if it takes me forever. I do love myself and all my flaws. Have you ever run your hands over your body? Have you ever touched your skin? Like really touched your skin from face to toe? I have. I have a favorite spot. When I lay on my side, or on my back,I run my hand down my side to a spot right by my hip bone. It's a curve, a little hill, a place to rest. Appreciate the skin you're in cause it's all you have. I've learned to love the parts that give me the most frustration. But I'm a work in progress. I'm ready to get back on track. To get back on plan. I have to push the voices aside. Push them away. Make them silent. Call them what they are - FEAR. SELF DOUBT. So, it begins again. So to back up a little, in June my peanut graduated from Kindergarten. How did that happen? How did my child turn 6? How did we reach this stage? I rocked her to sleep, I remember the day she was born and placed on my chest. There I was, sitting in the gym watching her smile and walk to the bleachers. She had a reading part. So to all these parents, and teachers and other kids, she had to welcome us all to the graduation. She smiled, she read perfectly, and I cried. I cried that she was so brave and so grown up in this little body. It was amazing. It also made me realize that not being overprotective, and letting her fly has been the right choice. Helping her believe in herself. So, first grade in the fall. Craziness. She is nervous, and worried. I have a little thinker on my hands. Trying to help her not think right now and just have fun. Summer is meant to be full of fun. There is some fun ahead for me. Boston in a couple weeks with a best friend, Northampton with another best friend in August, then Springsteen in September!! Oh I cannot wait for that. Taking my sister as a gift, and might be turning it into a whole weekend with great friends. Who knows what else lies ahead for the fall. As for the dating landscape...oh that's a whole nother blog entry. lol We'll see how much energy I have for that one.

Open up the windows

I think last January I had basically given a straight up fuck you to resolutions. Swore that it only promotes failure as opposed to success. I still agree with that. However 2012 has ushered in some interesting things to contemplate.
Work is going well - busy though. Of course it's always fun to start a new year with a company wide announcement of staff cuts. Nothing makes the employees happier. My company has many offices in the US and Europe. Europe is being hit worse apparently, but that is no solace to those of us who spent most of November and December working saturdays and doing weekly overtime to make sure production goals were met. Oh and did I mention the salary freeze? Yea that was another kind gesture from executive leadership. Cost of living increases, and our pay does not. I'm trying very hard to not complain - I know I am one of the lucky ones to have a job. Trust me I value it immensely. I do not take for granted the fact that my life would be very different right now if I was not working. But I think the thing that makes those announcements difficult is the tone in which they were delivered. There was a joke or two. Laughter even. Seemed...grossly inappropriate in my eyes. Like many of my coworkers, we are calculating car payments, rent, mortgages in our heads while executive leaders discuss bonus structures behind closed doors. As a single mom, living in an apartment with her child, laughter was not on the top of my list of things I wanted to hear after those announcements. It became clear to me after that call, that no one is safe and comfortable, and a plan needs to be put in place. I have to prepare for future possibilities. That's scary. I love my job. I love where I am - while part of it is in my control - type of job i do, performance, etc - the decision for me to stay or go is not up to me. So I must take care of me and ultimately my peanut. I hope the plan I come up with I never have to use.
In the middle of all these changes, I met someone. Not just anyone. But a man who made me feel something in my core that I forgot existed. I'm sure unless you are living in a cave you have heard of the show The Bachelor. It is guilty terrible tv watching for me. I know this. I watch it anyway and enjoy the train wrecks. I always felt that it seemed so crazy that these women could fall for a man they barely know, and claim to love him or have a deep connection. Until it happened to me. The man I met, I fell for hard and fast. I've figured out that what it was is this - he showed me everything I wanted. I'd been spending months if not years telling myself that I could either live with less, or that I wasn't going to find that. He opened up a window and basically said, look outside it's all right there. Then just as fast as he offered it, he took it back. All of it. Told me he could not give me what I needed - he needs to work on himself. I won't give out all those details here, but I will say he has a history of mistrust, for good reason, and goals that he wants to achieve. He wants to figure out how to love himself in a way he did 8 or 9 year ago. I wish he could balance those goals with a relationship but he can't. So while we have that deep connection, and a million things in common, and a intimate compatibility, we can not be. We let each other go, we got back together, we let each other go, we got back together - 3 times if I recall right, and I've never been a big fan of rollercoasters. I can honestly say that seeing him go, was more pain than I've felt in a very, very long time. A gut wrenching tear filled mess. To my friends who care for me, I know that somewhere in their minds they are thinking I'm nuts, and that it can't be possible to feel that intensely about another person in only a matter of weeks. I propose this question - What if it is possible? What of love at first site? It has happened to many people and lifetimes have been built on those emotions. I am the first to admit I did not believe it to be something that would ever happen to me. It did.
We both said we would leave each other alone. He truly needs to work on himself. I know it's not bullshit and he isn't hiding another person in the wings - I know his history - he would never be that man. He just is a work in progress and I showed up at a time when he can't give me the type of relationship I want. Unfortunate to say the least. He did however remind me of some things that I think i forgot. One of my friends said to me months ago "Don't you want to be worth waiting for?" and I didn't truly get what she meant until now. While I value who I am, and I believe that I'm a good person with much to offer, I need to stop selling myself. Stop dating websites, stop all the nonsense used to detract from fixing myself in a real way. It's always easy to do the things you want and ignore the hard stuff.
I'm awesome, and worth every bit of another man's time. But I need to let whoever he is - find me. I can't make myself a commodity, a product worth buying. I'm better than that. I have a good life, and I need to find satisfaction in just living with myself. He reminded me that these are worth while goals to strive for. He did show me everything I deserve. He made me yearn again for true companionship and comfort. I have not felt that sort of yearning since I dated my ex-husband...a long time ago. While all this is painful and I'm sad, I also know it is the way it has to be and I'm trying very hard to embrace it. I'm fighting with myself constantly about reaching out to him and talking to him but I know I can't. I can't go back to "I want you" "I can't do this" again. It's draining and it hurts. So the self imposed dating break is on. He inadvertently reminded me that what I want is not going to show up because I'm searching. It will show up when I have truly let go of the chase. I'm not saying I'm shutting myself off to meeting someone down the road, but I'm not going to look for it. I'm not going to troll the internet for it, I'm going to just live. Enjoy my daughter, enjoy my friends, and get to know myself again because frankly, there have been times over the past 6 months that I've behaved like a woman I don't know. It's a window into myself that I don't like. Also I'm tired. I'm emotionally exhausted. I will recover, I'm tough. But this was hard on my soul.
I'll refocus on work, hopefully write more and figure some shit out. Refocus on my goal of home ownership. It's important to me and would be good for my little one. Buy a new couch. Teach myself how to make basic sushi.(it's an odd goal I admit but I think it might be relaxing to learn....says the girl who has NEVER done it before..) Get an oil change for my car. Do some things I've been ignoring because they all require work. The other thing this man I met talked about was Procrastination - which we both do on a regular basis - and that procrastination is sometimes used as a crutch for the fear of success. Which does make some sense. Fear and procrastination go hand in hand - I should know they've sat on my shoulders for most of my life.
I think the goal is still to have my life on a path by the time I'm 40. If not a unmuddled path, at least one that I can see.

Festivus for the rest of us

Christmas Eve. My parents and sis came over. They've been coming to my apartment now for the past couple years and I've come to not only enjoy it, but love it. My mom does so much work between thanksgiving and Christmas, it's nice to have them over and they get to sit still for a change. Short list of what I've had to drink so far - a beer, a spiked egg nog, 2 glasses of wine (working on the third) and a shot of disaronno. (which is quite good by the way - the commercials are terrible. I mean who really goes to a bar and orders that?!? Although I might be now. lol) The peanut is still out with her dad. She always spends christmas eve with her father. Splitting time. As long as I get to see her Christmas morning, I'm negotiable on almost every other point. She's very excited for Santa to come visit. There were a couple things she wanted Santa to bring her and I had to explain to her that, um "Santa" couldn't always do everything- but he may still bring you other surprises.
Which leads me to the semi-shoddy construction of some of today's toys. I put together her big gift. The Disney Rapunzel Tower. It went together pretty easily, but a piece or two doesn't close as it should, and most of the stickers were already done. Do you remember when we were kids and everything our parents put together for us had a gazillion stickers?! My poor dad stayed up one year till like 1am putting on stickers to my Barbie Van. I don't know I guess I was kind of looking forward to doing that. As tedious and annoying as it would be, I still wanted to do it. and Mattel took away that opportunity. Oh well - I'm sure there will be something else for me to retell to Abby when she's an adult.
Another note, I've come late to the Ryan Adams party. I know many of my friends have often talked about how amazing he is; as a singer, songwriter, etc. But for a while I really didn't see it. But some friends of mine played me a couple songs that drew me in. A song I just heard recently has struck a heartstring. "Lucky Now" is the name of the song. Here's the beginning:
"I don’t remember were we wild and young
All that faded into memory
I feel like somebody I don’t know
Are we really who we used to be
Am I really who I was"
Something about his voice, the way he sings these words, really has my mind moving. Because there are far to many days where I feel like him. I feel like a person I don't know, and yet I think I'm still the person I used to be. But there are times that I don't see her anymore. I know I've talked about this before, but it's true. Sometimes it takes someone else to make the questions you're asking yourself clearer. I think she's still in me, that girl of 8 years ago - never mind the one I was in college! At this point I'm just looking for the girl I was when I first got married. She is who I miss most. There are elements of that girl still with me today - But I was 24 then? different time.
Well, it's almost time to play Santa. my peanut is home and hopefully passed out. I love this time of year.
Merry Christmas my friends.

Stormy Weather inside and out

So here we are. A week away from Thanksgiving. November did not start out the way I had thought it would. The very last saturday in October ushered in Storm Alfred. Oh the joys of living in New England...A Noreaster of epic preportions that dumped many inches of heavy, wet snow. Since the trees hadn't lost their foliage, this resulted in downed trees, power lines and of courses outages. Our office was without power for a week. I didn't have power for about a week myself. It was so odd to wake up and not go in to work. I got a fair amount of cleaning done, but it still seemed wrong even though logically I knew I could do nothing about it.
I spent a lot of time at my parents house (they survived me and I survived them thank god) and we all talked about power outages and processes, etc. My dad having been a lineman, I remember what it was like to watch the snow come down and know my dad was out in it, fixing things in the cold, making things better for people. It was hard sometimes cause I just wanted him home. But he had to work. Sometimes he'd be gone for 3 or 4 days and I'd ask my mom, "When's dad coming home?" and she would shrug and say "I'm not sure, maybe tonight." So over the week without power, we talked about things, remincesed and I spent time preaching the truth to my facebook friends. Everyone was angry and mad about not having power and were demanding it be fixed asap. I get why everyone was frustrated, i totally do. Not having power blows. But I have always tried to view it in this manner - I have a home. I have blankets, and sweaters, and water, and food...what about all those people braving a horrible storm who have nothing? Who have no place to live? So, I count myself lucky. Dad told me a couple of interesting stories from his line days. One in particular I thought was interesting. He was working one Thanksgiving. (which by the way he did a lot back in the day - being on call was no joke - you get called, day or night, 7pm, 3am you went in) He went out to a house to fix a connection. The husband came out of his house, and started yelling at my dad. "Boy you must just LOVE this! working on a holiday! What are they paying you? Triple time for this? Unbelievable what they pay you guys!" blah, blah, the guy went on and on. Can you imagine? He's just trying to do a job. But see this is the thing that gets me mental about power outages. People get pissed about the situation, but who takes the brunt of the customers anger? the guy on the street. It doesn't matter how you cloak your frustrations, ultimately thats who you are mad at. Fix it faster, fix it now we of little patience these days... So anyway, my dad looked at the guy and said, "Is your family in there? Are you having thanksgiving dinner? Sir, I'm just trying to fix this and get home to MY FAMILY. Don't you think I'd like to be home right now?" Apparently the guys wife came out of her house and ripped her husband a new one. Good for her I say. Bottom line - we all made it. Abby was a complete trooper and never complained once. Kid is amazing.
School is going great for her. There are hiccups along the way, which I expected. My child has done one or two things at school that surprised me. The good stuff - that's what you expect from your kid. It's the wierd, semi- bad behavior that always throws ya. One day she was hot in the classroom. So she took off her jumper and hung out in her shirt and tights. Then refused to put the jumper back on. Who does that?!? I couldn't help but read the teachers email and be like WHAT? Why is my child being so willful? I guess it's what 5 year olds do but still...and of course the grandparents all laugh and think it's just hysterical. That's what grandparents are supposed to do I've come to find out. Spoil them and laugh and do whatever they want for their grandkids. So amusing. HA. So we all had a talk with Abby about not taking clothes off at school. You'd think it would be a given but apparently no. sigh.
Then most recently my daughter turned to another kid in school and said "I'm going to punch you in the head." Again another moment where I read the teachers email and just was like WTF?! I guess when questioned she said "I thought it was funny". Ok, on what planet? Maybe while watching Spongebob, or some other wierd cartoon she got the idea that it was ok to bop someone on the head. So then we launch into a discussion about why that wasn't funny, why you never hit someone or threaten. She felt bad, but still said she just thought it was funny. sigh again. I mean she's never seen behavior of that kind exhibited anywhere! One of my friends suggested it was good that she at least warned the kid before she was about to pummel him...luckily she didn't get the chance. She's willful, determined, smart, hates change, and a bit sneaky. But overall, she has a big heart and loves people. She just gets very frustrated when things don't come easy to her. She expects she should just know how to do everything perfectly the first time around with no practice. - I wish. I wish I already knew how to do all the things I dream up. Like you wake up one day and automatically have the skills to perform difficult martial arts manuevers, or play guitar like Zappa or sing like Ella. She will learn that practice is a part of life and not everything is easy. In fact very little in life is easy.
It's so hard to parent to that perfectionism though cause I was never like that. Not that I didn't have expectations for myself, but I just accepted early on that everything was going to be work for me. I always knew that I'd have to study, I'd have to double check things, I'd have to use my fingers to add. Not to say I'm not smart, I'm damn smart, but I'm not gifted in that knowledge is hard fought for me. It's not an automatic feed.
Parenting is fun, and stressful and can be overwhelming. A friend of ours just announced they are pregnant with their 6th child! I was floored. I have enough issues handling the 1 kid never mind 6! It baffles me how parents do it. But I guess you just figure it out. What's one more kid after you've had 3? I have a great close friend who has a kid older than Abby, and we trade stories and marvel at how much alike our kids are even though their ages are so far apart - Abby at kindergarten the other a 4th grader. But it makes me feel better to see a glimpse of what the road ahead is like. It's comforting to know that she will navigate the challenging things, she will move forward - she will somehow, even if she hates it, adapt to changing landscapes. You try so hard not to fuck up your kids. You make night time vows that you'll be different than your parents. Your parents try and save you from making the same mistakes they made but guess what? You're likely going to make a whole set of brand spankin' new mistakes. They won't be the same ones as your parents made with you, cause you've already lived through those and have vowed never to repeat them. But the ones you make now will be all your own. I try to be sure they are small..I'm trying not to "go big" on the number of years my kid will be in therapy.
I've also dipped my toes back into dating. Oh for the love...it's got worse I think. It's been three years since I've done the online dating thing and frankly I think the pool from which I'm looking is worse. lol. I mean if you go on a date with a man isn't there some expectation of decency? Like wouldn't it be common courtesy to be fucking sober for your date? One would think so...apparently not. he admitted to doing shots and such with a friend at Chili's before our date. Nice. So I get a half lit half wit by the time I show up. It doesn't matter that you look good or smell nice, You could be the hottest guy ever but if you're drunk - no thanks. so that was interesting. Then, on another occasion, I was driving to meet someone for a date, and while they are attempting to help you with directions, on the phone, they proceed to yell at you. "HOW could you have missed that turn? What's WRONG WITH YOU?" wow. I didn't realize that Hitler was still dating. I mean COME.ON. and if another guy asks me what my chest size is, or what I like to do in bed I might just scream. While those things are important, I want a man to want to actually KNOW ME. Someone who wants to know who I am. I didn't think I was asking for to much but apparently I might be. I might need a break from all the idiocy out there. The thing is, I don't know how to be this girl with a filter. When a man is talking to me and asking me questions, I'm honest, I answer. but then they think I'm only interested in sex or all I care about is one thing - I care about many things. I don't know how to shut myself off and only deliver one side or one part. Every emotion in me is out there. I am who I say I am - and I want someone who loves all of that in me. Like no one is going to meet me and be like "wow she's nothing like she said". I don't know. I'm just feeling incapable of figuring this out.
I have all this confusion in my head, then I go to my parents house, and I see red roses on the table and in the living room. I was like, "aww dad got you flowers?" "yup he did." dad says, "Yea, I thought your mom could use them. I bought them for her cause I just love her." and my mom looks at my dad and then me and goes, "I just love him too." I instantly wanted to vomit and cry all at the same time. I love watching them together and I also want to swiftly bang my head against a wall. These are my rule bearers. These are my standards for the world of love. Two people who likely drive each other nuts at times, but have been married for 42 years this month and would take a bullet for the other in a second. So I make a crack and say, "ugh that's so sweet, no man is buying me flowers! haha". everyone laughs. flash to a couple days after that, and Abby brings me yellow roses. My dad felt bad, cause he thought I felt bad, and figured I deserved to have flowers too. So he bought me roses. I almost cried. See when I talk about what a "man" is, I don't mean the flowers. Well he got flowers so that makes him a man? No. I mean the thoughtfulness. The sensitivity to others. The selflessness of his behavior is what makes him a man. He understands that the smallest gesture can have the greatest impact in someones day or life. It's taking the time to consider another person over what YOU want. That is being a man. My standards are what they are cause I know it exists. Someday I'll find that. I hope. and if not, well, at least I have my toys. HA!

Feeling Minnesota

It's been a foggy couple weeks. The little one started school. She was excited and ready to go. I was excited for her but apprehensive naturally. Her dad dropped her off at daycare that morning - we wanted her to have the full experience of riding the bus to school and being dropped off. Granted she didn't have to ride far, but it was still so amazing to watch. As the bus pulled up, I saw her little face in a seat bigger than her. She was waving at us and smiling. How is it that when you give birth to a child, time moves forward at a pace your brain is never ready for? Things happen before you have time to fully process the event. So there I was, standing in the school yard walking behind my child while she was lead to the welcome area for kindergartners. She walked in the school and that was it. Day moves into day and it becomes normal. That first day of school I was pretty good. I, amazingly, didn't cry. Not sure why. But I was in quite a fog that whole day. I managed to wait until the afternoon to call daycare to be sure she got off the bus ok. Of course she was fine. In her words, "School is awesome!!" Of course it was.
I now officially have a school age child. How strange is that? I think back to the days when I didn't want kids at all. When I thought the concept of being a parent was far to overwhelming to handle. The words "lifetime commitment" bouncing around my head. She is worth it. I think I told Jay today that we made a great kid. No matter how our marriage turned out, we created a great person that is only getting better with every day. that's a tremendous achievement.
We've had some tumultuous weather here. A hurricane, some calm, and then another week of rain. I've reached my limit. The grey days weigh on me and shift my mood. I'm typically a happy glass full kind of girl. Weather like this makes me grey and low. I try then to counter that mood with music. I usually choose one of two routes - equally grey music so I just sink right into the mood until the sun appears. Or, I go for hard rock, or fun pop music to help break through to happier thoughts. I kind of did a mix. Listened to The Donnas, Clutch (of course), Billie Holiday, Matt Kearney, AC/DC, etc. So you see I was more floating in the middle. Drifting between grey and sunshine. It worked.
Then, Wednesday I woke with some tooth pain, but it was mild. So I didn't worry about it. Went to work, and managed. Came home with the peanut, had fun, and managed some more. Somewhere around 1am, it turned into throbbing, searing pain. I got up, and it didn't matter that I was shoving 500mg generic tylenol in my body, it was painful. I couldn't sleep so I turned on the TV. As we all know, if you are up after 2am, the tv choices are suspect and usually bad. It's either home shopping channels, or infomercials or some terrible show on HBO about sex. Clearly I opted for the bad show on HBO about sex. It was actually called "Women on top". I watched it. It was the worst acting ever. but of course that's not the point. Pretty naked people having sex. Women in control. whatever. Side bar from the tooth story - just once I'd actually like to see a sex scene that is based on some sort of story. I know all you guys out there are like fuck the story who cares - but sometimes, a good story, with some intrigue and imagination is twice as hot as two people going, "Hi" "Hi" "let's fuck". I mean who comes up with this shit? I was bored frankly. My imagination is 30 times better than any soft drama porn some 4th rate director can come up with. As an example, I watched the movie "The Tourist" tonight. the storyline was...ok but not great. But it held my interest. Angelina Jolie is crazy beautiful and Johnny Depp is...so sexy. Neither one of them were naked once in this movie. or even semi naked. But the way they dressed, looked at each other, and kissed was so hot. It was sexy and dramatic and steam rose from wherever they went. I don't mean that every soft drama porn thing has to aspire to the likes of that but my point is elevate your work a little and it might go somewhere. argh.
but I digress....anyway I called the dentist office the next morning crying into the phone cause I was in so much pain. I called the ex to come pick up the peanut and bring her to daycare. I'm so glad we are friends. He was happy to help. So I went in on Thursday and they pulled the dead tooth. Now knowing myself, I should have pushed to be put out. but honestly I couldn't have waited another day. and knowing my teeth as I do, they are like the roots of a 100 year old tree. They don't want to leave my mouth regardless of how dead they are. I was shot with a lot of novacaine which didn't really touch the pain cause it was infected. Great. I cried, yelled, and they shut the door cause I was likely upsetting anyone else who had come for a simple procedure. Awesome. It's always good to know when you are frightening other people.
In the end, the dentist did a great job, and it while it was painful and I now resemble chip and dale, I feel better. 800mg ibuprophen helps along with 500mg. of penicillin 4 times a day.
So here I sit watching Palladia, my favorite channel these days along with NESN. Watching Radiohead. I think this new album might be worth getting. I really like the ethereal sound they've created with these songs. Fits my mood of late...oh now Soundgarden is on....love this channel.
Status since the breakup - well we've talked here and there. Emailed further explanations of how we feel and how that initial phone call was interpreted. on both sides. I've done my best to respect his wishes and stay away. I do want him as a friend, but I don't think he wants that right now. Breakups are never easy. It's funny how there are times you want to call that person and just talk about bullshit because you are so used to doing that. Used to them being a part of your everyday. You break up with someone and suddenly those things are all redefined and out of sync. Like he got me started on this supremely nerdy hobby of collecting coins. (stop laughing Danielle!) I keep telling myself its for future investment. The funny thing is...I like it. There are literally hundreds of coins out there that are amazing in terms of the artistry and level of detail. World coins, compared to US coins are beautiful. US Coins are fucking dull. Now I'm kind of hooked. As an investment, it is worth it to buy precious metals in different forms as the values of them will only increase over time. I wanted to call him the other day to talk about a coin i wanted to buy to see if it was worth it. Right now, I can't do that. Which is a shame but at the same time I understand why I can't. Someday maybe I'll be able to do that again. To be completely cliche, "Only time will tell". hate that phrase.
It's interesting that Soundgarden is on and I titled this post Feeling Minnesota. I've always related to that song. Not sure why. I think it's the opposites that exist. Feeling California..feeling minnesota...that's how the past couple of weeks have gone. Sunshine and grey. I'd prefer the sunny side of the block.

New wishes for a new September

Recently my dad revamped the tree swing in the backyard of their house. The trees in the yard are old and tired, but there are a couple oak trees that are strong enough to hold a swing. I remember swinging on it when i was younger. He fixed it up for Abby. She's been asking for weeks to go on it, but my dad, ever vigilant on safety issues, wanted it moved to another branch as the one it was on was dead. So he did. He fashioned a new wood plank seat, and has made the best.swing.ever. I was standing in my driveway watching Abby and my dad. The swing is long, and the ride stretches into the branches of another tree. She was laughing and hooting the whole time. It was a fantastic and awful moment all at the same time. I was so emotionally overwhelmed - to watch her behave as I did as a kid - it truly is like watching yourself all over again. Seeing how you looked to your own parents. The awful part is knowing she's getting older. Knowing that there may come a time when this is lame. When this won't be the coolest thing ever. It'll be replaced by some gadget, or god forbid, a boy...yikes. Of course while this bittersweet moment was going on I also had a thought - I can't wait to go try it out. I love swings. There is something wonderful about the feeling of flying through the air. I used to swing forever. I tested it out, and sure enough my toes touched the leaves. I was laughing, and I could hear Abby laughing, and I felt so comfortable. Happy being in motion.

So in watching this and other fun summer moments, I'm now faced with the fading of summer and the beginning of a new chapter with my girl. School. She starts kindergarten this week. I remember nursing her as baby, sitting her in her high chair feeding her baby food, watching her crawl, and walk and all those milestones...always feeling like school was a lifetime away. That we'd never get there. Now Abby is getting ready to go to school. Ride a bus, have a teacher, make friends, learn to write and read...It's scary for me and exciting for her. On top of all my emotions about her starting school, my emotions about having a school age child divorced are there as well. I know it'll pass, but when I had Abby, I never imagined my life to be different. I never thought I'd be divorced before my child turned 3. I figured my ex and I would be together forever and sharing in all these moments. but the world changes and life doesn't always give you the pat setup you're looking for. So we coparent and coordinate and write down schedules, and create spreadsheets of days and times for pickup and drop off. I've adjusted, and moved on with my life but sometimes memories sneak in. They remind you of what once was, who you were. I've always said you can run all over the country to run from your past and from yourself but in the end it follows you. So I adjust. I think things out and figure out how to move forward cause there is no going back - as Robert Frost once said, "SOMETIMES THE ONLY WAY OUT IS THROUGH." Don't I know it.

Have you ever wished for something and then found out you wished for the wrong thing? I have. I'm not really superstitious, but there is one thing that I've always done. If you catch the clock changing to 11:11, you're supposed to make a wish. So for years I wished for my soulmate. My other half. My person to love and cherish. I met my ex. and for many years that is exactly what we were to each other. Till things fell apart. After that I put wishes aside for a time as some of the romance I had held for so long had shattered and broke. Then I started wishing again. For a man to not only care for me, but to take care of me. That was something I'd never wished for before. I changed the wish. Can one do that? When you've set your heart on something can you adjust the wish? Are you allowed to mold it? I got what I asked for. But what do you do when you realize it doesn't fit you? How do you deal with a half dream? In some respects I had got my wish. I found a nice man who was good to me, who took care of me, who made some of the thigns I worried about obsolete. I liked him as a person, I cared for him and his kids. I thought for a long time "this can work". I thought I had it in me to wait. To wait for a change in him, a time when he would be free enough to be the man I needed. The man I knew he wanted to be. In many aspects he was the wish in the flesh. But when needs aren't being met, when you know in your heart that you are sacrificing your true self then it is time to change. I broke up with him a week ago. It was hard. There was a sense of calm that started to settle in this week. I listened to my gut and I knew it was the right choice. As I've said sometimes the hardest choice is the right choice. I'd like to keep him in my life as a friend. Cause we do enjoy talking to each other and making each other laugh. But for now, we aren't talking at all. Space is needed i think if we are going to a place where we can be friends.

I'm readjusting my wish. To make it more accurate for what my needs and wants are. The emotional and physical connection needs to be there. The desire and passion that is possible is way important to me. I can't ignore that side of myself or shelve it. I can't pretend like those needs don't exist or are less important than the day to day. Cause they aren't. The end of August beginning of September is ushering in some new changes. Some I'm ready for and some I'm not.

Promises and sickness

After being sick for longer than I care to remember, I think I can safely say I'm better. Strep throat is no joke and frankly I'm disgusted with my doctor. I realize that they prescribe medicine to treat you based on symptoms and exam but honestly - how can you prescribe incorrect meds for strep throat? Here's the deal: I had a bad sore throat and they gave me amoxicillan. After 10 days, I was sorta good but not quite there. I went back in, tested positive for Strep, and they gave me the same medicine. AGAIN. Took it for ten days, and was good for a day or two, then got raging sick again. Went to the medhelp clinic in my area, and they gave me different meds. CRAZY! and basically told me that amoxicillan is good for nothing. Great. So now, after another ten days of meds, I'm actually better. See, what pisses me off here, is that my primary doc should know my history. Read my fucking file and you'd know that sore throats are the bain of my existence. So don't fuck around. Give me REAL MEDS. Stuff that actually treats a bacterial infection. Which, by the way, is what Strep IS. I didn't go to med school and even I know this.
So my sickness ended in time to celebrate my peanuts 5th birthday. I can't believe she's 5. Where did 5 years go? We went to NYC to see my sister and trudge through the American Girl Store. For any of you who are unaware of what this is, it's 3 floors of little girl heaven. Dolls, and clothes, and furniture, and pets to go with the dolls, and a doll hospital, tea party, etc. It was mobbed with people. I've been hesitant for a while now to even get her a doll cause honestly she likes animals better than dolls. You have no idea how many stuffed animals we have. I've considered a stuffed animal apocalypse but figured that might not bode well for her future mental stability. But she started to show some interest in the dolls, so I figured that would be a fun birthday treat. She did love it - but, typical to her, she picked her doll, one outfit, and the cat pet, and was done in like a half hour. It's so funny how you can plan this elaborate event for your kid and they're bored in like 10 minutes. Or more interested in something you didn't plan on at all. I think the most fun abby had was throwing pennies in the fountains at Roc Center with my sis. I think Abby misses her. She loves her Auntie. It makes me happy to watch my sister and Abby. They are wonderfully alike, and they seem to understand each other which makes my heart happy.
Of course in the middle of all this fun, about halfway into our visit to American Girl, she turned to me and said "I want to leave NOW." So to avoid the meltdown that was T-minus a minute away, we left. Again the fact that she's 5 is amazing to me. She's going to start soccer next week, and school in the fall. How did that happen? My world is changing all over again. Now it'll be school events, homework, backpacks, soccer practice and running, running,running...But I'm excited for all of it.
On a separate but related note, my sister and I had a talk this week that made me realize that I've been doing something to myself that is unnecessary. Putting added pressure on myself where I don't need to. I'm very aware of the promises I make to my child. Like when Abby says, "Mommy I want you to take me to Sea World!!" I don't say, "Sure I will" cause right now, I don't know when I"ll be able to afford a trip like that. So I say I hope that one day I can do that. I don't want to give her false hope and have her be disappointed. It makes me mental when I hear about parents who do that shit to kids. Don't make promises you can't keep has always been my mantra in life and in work. I don't ever want to be the parent that doesn't follow through on the promises I make to my child. I want to always show her that I do as i say I'm going to. However, what I have to remember is what things are most important. My sis called it an "embarrassment of riches". Choosing between two great things is not breaking a promise. If I don't take my child to a movie or to an event, she's not going to be in therapy in 15 years going, "My mom never took me to see Tangled!" The promises I need to make sure I always keep, are when she NEEDS me. Like she wants me to be at her soccer games, or gymnastic practice, or when there's a school event that I SHOW UP. Or when the boyfriend breaks her heart and she needs a hug - or support to do the best she can. Drying her tears when she's hurt. Those are the things she will judge me on as a parent. Not whether we colored eggs or saw a movie. So, I realize that I'm being to hard on myself. My sister put it in perspective for me in a way I hadn't thought about. Thanks to her, I remember now what I need to focus on. Sometimes with all the running around and efforts to do the right thing, I forget what the real battles are.

The Ick

I've been sick all week. Nothing like a bout of Strep Throat to suck the life out of you. So it's been time on the couch, and time in bed, and countless hours watching dumb shit on tv. I actually sat through the entire movie "fast and the furious". For two reasons. Vin Diesel. and I was to exhausted to change the channel. The remote was across the room. The movie had terrible dialog, a weak story, and the action was...mediocre. But watching Vin Diesel in a wife beater drive a fast car? well, that was alright. What can I say? I'm a girl.
There are things that I miss about being sick when you are with someone. You know when you are sick, it's always nice to have someone crawl into bed next to you and hold you. To feel them breathing on your back, and making you warm. Having that person look at you and say "Baby, I hate that your sick" and then give you a hug even though he knows damn well he's gettin' it next. I miss having somone there to care for me even when I look and feel like shit. To be able to ask them to run to the store for kleenex, or medicine or ginger ale. (which is only good while your sick - why is that??) I don't have that anymore. I have to self soothe. It sucks to be honest. I miss giving that kind of love and kindness to someone else. Feeling each others foreheads to see who is warmer from fever. Comparing who feels worse, and what meds are you taking today? Still having sex even while sick because for that short time you'll feel really, really good.
But I don't have that. So instead, I will watch shitty tv, nap on the couch, and run a bath by myself and soak away my ick. Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself today. Being sick will do that to you.
So, with tears streaming down my face, I will go run a hot bath, soak in the bubbles, and listen to the new Adele cd for the 50 millionth time. At the end I will be through my mood and likely stronger than I was an hour ago. Please don't mistake this momentary contemplation for weakness. I'm the strongest motherfucker you'll ever meet. I may be sensitive, and warm hearted, and emotionally intuitive, but I can handle almost anything and survive.
I would just like some other arms to to wrap around me and make me feel completely invinceable if only for a moment.

Where is the rulebook?

You know we've all watched those terrible movies in which divorced parents battle out their differences in front of the kids and then the kids are a mess because of it. See I don't have that problem. I actually get along with my ex, quite well actually and I get along well with his girlfriend. We don't have anything to fight about anymore. The thing I wasn't prepared for in all of this, was my child using her frustrations to say things that would make me feel terrible. Rationally I know shes 4 1/2. But when your child says things to you like, "I miss Daddy and want to live with him forever!" It reduces me to rubble. Of all the things that I figured would make me feel bad about myself, I never figured on this. I never expected to have this little person look me in the eye and tell me, "I love Daddy more than you!!" which was tonights little gem. Which ultimately makes me feel small. Makes me feel defeated. Makes me feel like a rotten mother - which i KNOW I'm not.
Let me back up and tell you what happened tonight. So I picked her up from her dads house - it was his weekend. We got home, and she was starting to play with toys, we both wanted to put on pj's, so she was attempting to remove her shirt on her own, well it was tight around the head, and she got frustrated. She screamed a bit, and then I pulled it off. She yelled, "I just wanted to do it MYSELF!!" which is fine, I encourage her to try things herself. But I also always tell her, if she needs help, that's what I'm here for! Just ask me and I'm always available. Well she ran into her room, started crying in her bed, and then told me that she loved Daddy and shelly more than me. She also wailed, "Why is my daddy doing this to me? He has to come and get me!" Which of course, broke my heart. I try and rise above the initial knee jerk emotion, but that would indicate I was more highly evolved than I actually am. I got silent, and sad. I told her it made me sad, but when she was ready to come out and see me, and be nice to me, I'd be here. I teared up, because it hurt. I work so hard to do the right thing by her, to make her happy, and content, that it made me feel like a failure. She finally came out of her room and gave me a big hug. Told me she loves me and that, "Even when I'm not here, and I'm at Daddy's, I always miss you and I'm always in your heart." Which is in fact true. But why I had to suffer through the "I don't like you" comments is what I don't understand. There is no rulebook to turn to - see page 58 for hateful comments by your child. But then I guess I have to remember neither does she. She's working through emotions she doesn't understand, and while she talks likes shes 15, She still doesn't know how to express what she feels in words. I don't know. Its tiring. I get worn out. Sometimes I think I really, really suck at this whole motherhood thing. Then sometimes I feel like I'm doing ok. I feel as though I might have this whole thing down. I do the best I can and I just hope she notices. I hope she realizes that there isn't anything I wouldn't do for her, she's my flesh and part of my soul. Just as much as she belongs to her dad, she belongs to be. I hope she realizes how hard we both work to make her happy. She will likely never really understand till she has her own kids. Same thing my mother always told me. "Wait till you have kids...then you'll know how it feels." She's so very right.

On another note, I saw the dork this weekend. Once again I'm no closer to decerning what his intentions are than I was a month ago. His daughter told me this weekend that he'd never move to CT. Great I thought. He still wants to build in his hometown which is oh so far away from where I am. I'm still waiting. Waiting for something to be different. Waiting for the man I believe exists in him to show up. While its difficult to wait, I'm doing it by choice. Knowing in my gut that none of this may ever work out the way I want. Maybe it will. I just don't know. I know in my heart I can't ever move to MA. Doesn't matter what I want, my choice is dictated by my child. (I talked about this in a much earlier post - when does it get to be my turn...however what I've come to understand more and more is when you have a child, your "turn" no longer exists until your child is an adult. If you are lucky.) Her life is here right now, and I can't move her far away from her father. It wouldn't be right, and it wouldn't be fair. So what am I waiting for? Good question to which I have no answer. He makes me laugh, he makes me smile and I do the same for him. We enjoy each others company and we love each others children. I guess for now that is all it is. I know he cares about me, and I about him. But beyond that, I have no idea where his head is at. He says if he knew what he wanted that would suggest he actually had time to think about it. He doesn't have that he says. So I keep waiting. I just have to be careful how long I do it for. Otherwise I may miss out on my actual life.

Later

I was curious about your house.
Stepped lightly on your web.
You trapped me,
saved me for later.
Later isn't here.
As I dart my eyes from left to right,
under the night sky,
I question if later
is coming.
It feels like a claustrophobic,
slow,
death.
I'm bundled in a tight comfort
that approaches perfect
but lacks room for growth.
I feel stuck in this web.
The house is closing in while you sit
stare
and breathe fire and heat.
Waiting to be free
to stretch
and run
is starting to feel
like torture.

20 years have gone by? REALLY??

The other day I logged onto Facebook and I was invited to an event. Yay! An event! I said. I opened it and was in complete disbelief. There was a picture of my high school, and on the invite was "20 YEAR CLASS REUNION!!" How is this possible? How is it that 20 years have gone by? I sat in my chair and stared at the computer. Baffled. Confused. I felt a little like throwing up but decided that wouldn't help, I'd have to clean it up...ew.
1991. I was excited that year. I was looking forward to College, reinventing myself and figuring out life. So senior year was - a joy and drudgery all at the same time. Such is high school. Friends were leaving for far away places. I think mostly I couldn't wait to get out and get on with it. I think about that girl often. Where did that girl go?
In a lot of ways I'm glad I'm not that young lady from Senior year. I had such a hard time in high school talking to people my age. I was very shy, and I didn't know how to be myself in front of everyone. I was able to be my outgoing self in front of a few close friends, but otherwise I was anxiety ridden about being laughed at or not understood if I said something. So I read a lot, and didn't speak much in class. I have a feeling a lot of people in my class figured I just didn't talk - which on a lot of days wasn't entirely inaccurate. I wanted to feel comfortable and outgoing and smiling but I had no idea how to do it. I couldn't wrap my mind around it. It was so odd for me to watch my sister go through high school. Here experience was SO different. She was very outgoing and had a ton of friends. She was involved in a bunch of stuff and had a lot of fun. I was glad for her.
College ended up being great for me - and a job in retail where you are forced to talk to strangers. Now I don't shut up.
20 years, 20 years, 20 years...that's all I can think about. I'm unsure if I want to go. There are people that might go that I"d love to see. At the very least it might be motivation for me to work out a bit more. Which is good cause all I've been doing is 'thinking' about working out. ugh.
I was talking to a close friend of mine about turning 40. We both vowed to have our shit figured out by then. We figured we haven't done it so far but hopefully by then we've got it or are at least on the right path. I look back on the past 20 years and I wouldn't change it persay, I'd improve it. I think if I could go back, I'd do some things differently, but leave the events as they were. I had a lot of fun - I met some great people, I got married, had a beautiful child, got divorced and dated again and started it all over. Sometimes its sad to me to see that my life is not at all what I thought it would be when i walked across that stage the day i graduated. I'm not saying its bad, it's quite good, it's just different. I still have goals and aspirations and dreams just like I did back in 1991. The difference is then there seemed to be endless time in front of me to achieve everything I wanted. Now time doesn't seem so endless. It seems...shorter. It's like being a speeding train heading into a tunnel. You keep bracing yourself for the end but have no idea when that is. I want to have more fun, travel and do some things with my life before another 20 years pass and I look back and wonder what I did.
I want to figure out my life. I don't feel like anything is figured out right now and that makes the timing of this reunion so emotionally confusing.

I've been listening to The Avett Brothers almost non stop these days. I can't get enough of their insightful lyrics and talents on string instruments. They have a song called "Head full of doubt and Road full of promise". They've talked about this song as leaving your youth behind and moving into a time in life where you want to build something. I get that. Making something stick, making something feel substantial and real - like it'll last forever or for as long as you breathe and maybe after. "Road full of promise". that hits in a different place in my heart. I've had some tough years so I'm hopeful that the road ahead is exactly that - full of promise. I think I'll forge ahead and see where I end up. I just hope it's at the place I want to be.

Here are the lyrics in case you may want to know more. Listening to it is worth it because the vocal harmonies are perfect.

"Head Full Of Doubt / Road Full Of Promise"

There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what's wrong and what's right
And it comes in black and it comes in white
And I'm frightened by those that don't see it

When nothing is owed or deserved or expected
And your life doesn't change by the man that's elected
If you're loved by someone, you're never rejected
Decide what to be and go be it

There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

There's a darkness upon you that's flooded in light
And in the fine print they tell you what's wrong and what's right
And it flies by day and it flies by night
And I'm frightened by those that don't see it

There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what's wrong and what's right
There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
And I'm frightened by those that don't see it

Commercials or mind control?

My peanut is sick. A fever, a cough and a sore throat. Not funny or fun. So it was my turn to stay home. I have to admit, when your child is sick, it's almost ok because when they are sick they're actually willing to sit in your lap, hug you and cuddle. She was all over me saying she loved me, she missed me and that I'm awesome. I'd like to bottle those words and behavior so when she's 17, hates me, and says "You're ruining my life!!" I can open that bottle and breathe deeply.

While hanging at home, in pj's, watching cartoons, I've noticed a couple things that are disturbing. The first one is why the fuck is Montell Williams hawking a payday loan site on the Sprout Network?? A KIDS CHANNEL?? Now I realize that raising a child is tough, financially as well as mentally. No one knows that better than me. I've fallen prey to the payday loan trap myself - a hole that I've been digging out of for months. But it hits my moral compass - one shouldn't be sold a scam while watching Kipper on Sprout. Basically he's telling parents, "NO worries, don't have that money for car repair? Call us and you'll have it tomorrow!" I've never been compelled to write a tv network, but I"m close. I think its wrong to show parents and children that you don't have to spend wisely and save, you can just do whatever you want with no consequences. That's appalling. It's on every 5 minutes, and my peanut has started repeating the lines. Which is odd to hear your child say, "Need cash? Short till payday?"

The bigger disturbing item is what Disney is currently doing to my emotions. I've never been to Disney and have always wanted to go. (My sister feels the same.) Abby is going to Disney in the Spring with her dad and his girlfriend. I'm totally cool with that. They will have a blast, and Abby will be amazed by everything. I'm happy for her -she's going to love it, and have a wonderful time.
but then the evil, petty, jealous bitch voice in the back of my head watches these sappy Disney commercials and goes, "well (said snidely) isn't THAT nice!" and then she starts saying obnoxious things to my logical brain. That's SOOO not me. The two commercials are as follows:
Picture the new Disney cruise ship, replete with splendour, sparkles, magic and of course mickey mouse. Everyone is having the time of their lives and nothing could be better. It's a "Don't you want to make dreams come true?" kind of commercial. So of course it makes one feel like a complete asshole. I sit on my couch going "wow, I'm a dream killer now." Nothing boosts mom confidence more than feeling like a dream killer.

The second one is the one that is completely making me mental. Actual videos shot by parents telling their kids they're going to Disney and seeing the kids reaction. It's fucking with my emotions. I see that and all I can picture is the peanut and how I won't get to do that. At least not right now. See I'm mostly logical - I know that I will get that chance, and I guess on some deep level I'm jealous. But i usually suppress that because it's not worth it. I always put peanuts best interests first, and I try not to fall prey to petty behavior and thought. It's so easy to let stuff like that take root and ruin your decisions and blurr your vision of what is right. Like I said, I'm so excited for her and she's going to have such a great time. I'm just pissed that Disney is fucking with me like this. Lol Suck it Disney.