You know we've all watched those terrible movies in which divorced parents battle out their differences in front of the kids and then the kids are a mess because of it. See I don't have that problem. I actually get along with my ex, quite well actually and I get along well with his girlfriend. We don't have anything to fight about anymore. The thing I wasn't prepared for in all of this, was my child using her frustrations to say things that would make me feel terrible. Rationally I know shes 4 1/2. But when your child says things to you like, "I miss Daddy and want to live with him forever!" It reduces me to rubble. Of all the things that I figured would make me feel bad about myself, I never figured on this. I never expected to have this little person look me in the eye and tell me, "I love Daddy more than you!!" which was tonights little gem. Which ultimately makes me feel small. Makes me feel defeated. Makes me feel like a rotten mother - which i KNOW I'm not.
Let me back up and tell you what happened tonight. So I picked her up from her dads house - it was his weekend. We got home, and she was starting to play with toys, we both wanted to put on pj's, so she was attempting to remove her shirt on her own, well it was tight around the head, and she got frustrated. She screamed a bit, and then I pulled it off. She yelled, "I just wanted to do it MYSELF!!" which is fine, I encourage her to try things herself. But I also always tell her, if she needs help, that's what I'm here for! Just ask me and I'm always available. Well she ran into her room, started crying in her bed, and then told me that she loved Daddy and shelly more than me. She also wailed, "Why is my daddy doing this to me? He has to come and get me!" Which of course, broke my heart. I try and rise above the initial knee jerk emotion, but that would indicate I was more highly evolved than I actually am. I got silent, and sad. I told her it made me sad, but when she was ready to come out and see me, and be nice to me, I'd be here. I teared up, because it hurt. I work so hard to do the right thing by her, to make her happy, and content, that it made me feel like a failure. She finally came out of her room and gave me a big hug. Told me she loves me and that, "Even when I'm not here, and I'm at Daddy's, I always miss you and I'm always in your heart." Which is in fact true. But why I had to suffer through the "I don't like you" comments is what I don't understand. There is no rulebook to turn to - see page 58 for hateful comments by your child. But then I guess I have to remember neither does she. She's working through emotions she doesn't understand, and while she talks likes shes 15, She still doesn't know how to express what she feels in words. I don't know. Its tiring. I get worn out. Sometimes I think I really, really suck at this whole motherhood thing. Then sometimes I feel like I'm doing ok. I feel as though I might have this whole thing down. I do the best I can and I just hope she notices. I hope she realizes that there isn't anything I wouldn't do for her, she's my flesh and part of my soul. Just as much as she belongs to her dad, she belongs to be. I hope she realizes how hard we both work to make her happy. She will likely never really understand till she has her own kids. Same thing my mother always told me. "Wait till you have kids...then you'll know how it feels." She's so very right.
On another note, I saw the dork this weekend. Once again I'm no closer to decerning what his intentions are than I was a month ago. His daughter told me this weekend that he'd never move to CT. Great I thought. He still wants to build in his hometown which is oh so far away from where I am. I'm still waiting. Waiting for something to be different. Waiting for the man I believe exists in him to show up. While its difficult to wait, I'm doing it by choice. Knowing in my gut that none of this may ever work out the way I want. Maybe it will. I just don't know. I know in my heart I can't ever move to MA. Doesn't matter what I want, my choice is dictated by my child. (I talked about this in a much earlier post - when does it get to be my turn...however what I've come to understand more and more is when you have a child, your "turn" no longer exists until your child is an adult. If you are lucky.) Her life is here right now, and I can't move her far away from her father. It wouldn't be right, and it wouldn't be fair. So what am I waiting for? Good question to which I have no answer. He makes me laugh, he makes me smile and I do the same for him. We enjoy each others company and we love each others children. I guess for now that is all it is. I know he cares about me, and I about him. But beyond that, I have no idea where his head is at. He says if he knew what he wanted that would suggest he actually had time to think about it. He doesn't have that he says. So I keep waiting. I just have to be careful how long I do it for. Otherwise I may miss out on my actual life.
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