Just a few things

Not really sure how to sum up the past 7 months. Let's see...highlights - joined a gym. Started eating healthy, went to two wakes, lost 12 pounds, car died, bought new car, fell off the wagon and starting eating poorly, and here I sit with a sinus infection. I'm always amazed how when looking at life you can sum it up in single words. Drill it down to pin pricks. So what to discuss...the wakes. I have to talk about it because it was painful. All within the span of a couple weeks. My ex husbands Aunt. A cancer survivor and battler. Cancer is such a scourge upon the people we know and love. Its similar to termites in my mind. You can eradicate them, and they might be gone, but if you miss some, they remultiply and tear through everything that matters to you. She was a sweet woman, and when my ex and I had first got engaged,she went out of her way to show how happy she was for us. When our daughter was born she had tears of joy while holding our little one. One day in March I think, I realized that she was more ill than I had thought. I was debating back and forth about going to see her. Was it still my place? Should I go? Yes I should go...and the back and forth in my mind. I finally decided if I didn't see her and say goodbye I'd regret it. So I went. I sucked it up and went. It was like I wasn't seeing her at all. I was seeing someone else. She was swallowed up by the bed, sinking into the blankets. She could barely speak. I got really close, kissed her forehead, told her I loved her, and that I was sorry for not seeing her sooner. She told me she loved me, and was glad I was there. I could barely hear her. It was a low whisper. You could tell the words were hard to get out. It wasn't long after that visit that she passed. I knew it. I think even harder than saying goodbye, was seeing her mother stand in the kitchen and cry. Then look at me and go "It isn't good is it?" What do you say? How do you tell a mother her child is about to die? A mother never loses hope that her child will live and thrive. A mother is not supposed to see her child go before her. Doesn't matter how young or old. So I hugged her. What else is there to do? The wake was terrible as are most wakes. All I could try and remember is that she is at peace. You know just because you get divorced, and are no longer a couple, it doesn't mean you forget all the people you spent 10 years of your life with. So I said goodbye. Then the worst part. 3 weeks later I think? her son died. He had battled drugs for years, and was not able to overcome those demons. Many of us think his mother took him - she worked so hard to try to help her son - all she wanted was for him to be sober - and I think the only way she knew that could be was for him to be with her. So it was painful to say goodbye to someone so young. So I saw my ex's grandmother again. So strong- but again how she had to say good bye to her daughter and grandchild..not right. To much death all at once. So all this death always makes one reevaluate life. So you start looking at where your going, what are your goals...and I was doing well with the working out and eating well. Proud of myself for losing 12 pounds! Such a big deal for me. I haven't lost any weight in years. and I've been loving the gym I'm going to. My trainer is supportive, and yet gets on my ass to keep moving. Then my car thing, and my dad went in the hospital for a week, and I just started to emotional eat again. and still work out. But it's a spiral. and the voices start coming in. You can't do this. You've never been able to do this. You don't know how to be committed. You can't overcome who you are. Just accept that you'll never be fit. Just give up. Then, another voice moves in. My mother. Since I began this exercise plan, I get the critical. I get the occassional word of support, but overall, it's "Can you eat that?" "When's the last time you went to the gym?" "You don't seem to be following the plan." "I don't think you can eat that." It's funny how tone can change everything. I know her intentions are good, but I don't need that from her. I need positive support. I don't need to be criticized cause I do it to myself enough. I don't need to be looked up and down. I mean I have to look in the mirror at myself. Doesn't matter how sexy I might feel, or how much I love my curves, I can see the areas that I don't like. I don't have a tight stomach. It's soft. lol. There is a roll or two in places i wasn't sure could roll. So believe me I cast that critical eye better than anyone. But I also have high self esteem. I believe in myself. I know how strong I am. I believe I'll get to where I want to be even if it takes me forever. I do love myself and all my flaws. Have you ever run your hands over your body? Have you ever touched your skin? Like really touched your skin from face to toe? I have. I have a favorite spot. When I lay on my side, or on my back,I run my hand down my side to a spot right by my hip bone. It's a curve, a little hill, a place to rest. Appreciate the skin you're in cause it's all you have. I've learned to love the parts that give me the most frustration. But I'm a work in progress. I'm ready to get back on track. To get back on plan. I have to push the voices aside. Push them away. Make them silent. Call them what they are - FEAR. SELF DOUBT. So, it begins again. So to back up a little, in June my peanut graduated from Kindergarten. How did that happen? How did my child turn 6? How did we reach this stage? I rocked her to sleep, I remember the day she was born and placed on my chest. There I was, sitting in the gym watching her smile and walk to the bleachers. She had a reading part. So to all these parents, and teachers and other kids, she had to welcome us all to the graduation. She smiled, she read perfectly, and I cried. I cried that she was so brave and so grown up in this little body. It was amazing. It also made me realize that not being overprotective, and letting her fly has been the right choice. Helping her believe in herself. So, first grade in the fall. Craziness. She is nervous, and worried. I have a little thinker on my hands. Trying to help her not think right now and just have fun. Summer is meant to be full of fun. There is some fun ahead for me. Boston in a couple weeks with a best friend, Northampton with another best friend in August, then Springsteen in September!! Oh I cannot wait for that. Taking my sister as a gift, and might be turning it into a whole weekend with great friends. Who knows what else lies ahead for the fall. As for the dating landscape...oh that's a whole nother blog entry. lol We'll see how much energy I have for that one.