The other day I logged onto Facebook and I was invited to an event. Yay! An event! I said. I opened it and was in complete disbelief. There was a picture of my high school, and on the invite was "20 YEAR CLASS REUNION!!" How is this possible? How is it that 20 years have gone by? I sat in my chair and stared at the computer. Baffled. Confused. I felt a little like throwing up but decided that wouldn't help, I'd have to clean it up...ew.
1991. I was excited that year. I was looking forward to College, reinventing myself and figuring out life. So senior year was - a joy and drudgery all at the same time. Such is high school. Friends were leaving for far away places. I think mostly I couldn't wait to get out and get on with it. I think about that girl often. Where did that girl go?
In a lot of ways I'm glad I'm not that young lady from Senior year. I had such a hard time in high school talking to people my age. I was very shy, and I didn't know how to be myself in front of everyone. I was able to be my outgoing self in front of a few close friends, but otherwise I was anxiety ridden about being laughed at or not understood if I said something. So I read a lot, and didn't speak much in class. I have a feeling a lot of people in my class figured I just didn't talk - which on a lot of days wasn't entirely inaccurate. I wanted to feel comfortable and outgoing and smiling but I had no idea how to do it. I couldn't wrap my mind around it. It was so odd for me to watch my sister go through high school. Here experience was SO different. She was very outgoing and had a ton of friends. She was involved in a bunch of stuff and had a lot of fun. I was glad for her.
College ended up being great for me - and a job in retail where you are forced to talk to strangers. Now I don't shut up.
20 years, 20 years, 20 years...that's all I can think about. I'm unsure if I want to go. There are people that might go that I"d love to see. At the very least it might be motivation for me to work out a bit more. Which is good cause all I've been doing is 'thinking' about working out. ugh.
I was talking to a close friend of mine about turning 40. We both vowed to have our shit figured out by then. We figured we haven't done it so far but hopefully by then we've got it or are at least on the right path. I look back on the past 20 years and I wouldn't change it persay, I'd improve it. I think if I could go back, I'd do some things differently, but leave the events as they were. I had a lot of fun - I met some great people, I got married, had a beautiful child, got divorced and dated again and started it all over. Sometimes its sad to me to see that my life is not at all what I thought it would be when i walked across that stage the day i graduated. I'm not saying its bad, it's quite good, it's just different. I still have goals and aspirations and dreams just like I did back in 1991. The difference is then there seemed to be endless time in front of me to achieve everything I wanted. Now time doesn't seem so endless. It seems...shorter. It's like being a speeding train heading into a tunnel. You keep bracing yourself for the end but have no idea when that is. I want to have more fun, travel and do some things with my life before another 20 years pass and I look back and wonder what I did.
I want to figure out my life. I don't feel like anything is figured out right now and that makes the timing of this reunion so emotionally confusing.
I've been listening to The Avett Brothers almost non stop these days. I can't get enough of their insightful lyrics and talents on string instruments. They have a song called "Head full of doubt and Road full of promise". They've talked about this song as leaving your youth behind and moving into a time in life where you want to build something. I get that. Making something stick, making something feel substantial and real - like it'll last forever or for as long as you breathe and maybe after. "Road full of promise". that hits in a different place in my heart. I've had some tough years so I'm hopeful that the road ahead is exactly that - full of promise. I think I'll forge ahead and see where I end up. I just hope it's at the place I want to be.
Here are the lyrics in case you may want to know more. Listening to it is worth it because the vocal harmonies are perfect.
"Head Full Of Doubt / Road Full Of Promise"
There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what's wrong and what's right
And it comes in black and it comes in white
And I'm frightened by those that don't see it
When nothing is owed or deserved or expected
And your life doesn't change by the man that's elected
If you're loved by someone, you're never rejected
Decide what to be and go be it
There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out
There's a darkness upon you that's flooded in light
And in the fine print they tell you what's wrong and what's right
And it flies by day and it flies by night
And I'm frightened by those that don't see it
There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out
There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out
There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what's wrong and what's right
There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
And I'm frightened by those that don't see it
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