Reflection and forgiveness

I've always liked the peacefulness of a cemetery. Don't get it twisted I do not spend free time having picnic lunches with the dead. But the solitude that exists there is something we all strive for. I mean how often do we all say "Ugh, I just need my brain to shut off." "I just need some peace and quiet." We say it all the time. Walk into your nearest cemetery and you've got it. For about the past month, I've been wanting to go visit my grandmother. I haven't been to her grave since 2008, when she passed. I typically have conversations with both grandmothers. I know, it sounds odd. But, for those of you who have lost someone special, you know what I mean. I've always believed that when a loved one passes, they may go to heaven, maybe a different place, but whereever it is, its a place in which they are their best selves. Driving now when they couldn't before, running, when legs failed them on earth, happy when pain made it so they were not. With husbands and wives they haven't seen in decades. So, on occassion, when I'm stressed, or frustrated or even when I'm happy, I say a few words to both grandmothers. "Nana, Memere, I need a break. Please give me something." or I ask them to look out for someone headed their way. "Ladies I need you to welcome in Barbara, she's had a rough go." They are guardian angels for sure. Today just happened to be the day I went to visit Memere. I had one or two things weighing on my mind today. One of which was my ex got married today. I'm happy for him, but it's still a bit odd. The other day I was looking through some things and I stumbled on our wedding invitation from 1998. I found the guest book. Awkward. So while I know we have both moved on in our lives, memories still exist. Anyway, I was on my way to do laundry at my parents, (laundry sucks. Just sayin') and who doesn't need a delay from that...So i drove to the cemetery and sat down at her grave. no one else was there- well except the other dead people, but they were pretty quiet. So i talked out loud. Told her I loved her, I missed her, and that I wish I knew what was next. I told her I wished i knew the answer to how she survived losing her husband after 10 years, and raising three kids alone. I asked her how she never met anyone else. I know that her husband Phillip was the love of her life, but I still don't know how she never wanted to meet someone else. Have more companionship, friendship and love. She never did. I cried some. Not really sure why. Just felt emotional. I told her I know she and Nana are always there for me, but sometimes it's hard and I wish they could tell me which way to go. The sky was grey and cloudy - thunderstorms getting ready to roll through. I sat in the humidity and stared at the blackeyed susans. Feeling the hot breeze while the hawks flew overhead. The nearest I've come to meditation of any sort in a long time. I left feeling a little less burdened. Oh and my laundry did get done. Tomorrow is a trip to Boston, Coldplay concert, some drinking, shopping, and bullshitting. The girls weekend myself and a best friend have been trying to plan for like 3 years. LOL ************************************************************************************ On the topic of my ex getting married again, I will say again that I'm happy for him. Prior to this, I was debating about buying a card. Do I get one? Is it my place? I'm not getting one. I can't do this. Don't be an ass, just do it. It's funny how many people in your head can argue. The Buddhist voice in my head who likes to get cards for people won. They really don't have a section of wedding cards for "From Exwife to exhusband". Maybe that's my future job. Greeting cards for the divorced. I mean all the cards were over the top sappy, and I'm not that type of person, and it didn't suit the situation. There wasn't even "from a friend". So I picked something generic and used my own words. The thing is, right after I gave it to them, I felt good. See I'm starting to realize something. True forgiveness of another person, whomever they may be, comes only when you start acting like it. I forgave myself a long time ago for errors committed during our marriage, and I forgave him, but taking that extra step and acting that way is hard. It's easy to listen to the spiteful bitch in your head - but that is exactly who that voice is - a spiteful bitch who operates from a position of distruction not rebuilding. The buddhist voice who suggests forgiveness is the one I need to listen to more often. She seems to know what I really want. So I listened to her again this morning when I debated about posting a positive well wish to my ex and his new wife on facebook. the voices in my head argued again, and I could hear her, quiet but strong. So, I posted it, and I felt better. Interesting I thought. I hope to hear her voice more often and I'm thinking she'll get louder each time I listen. Then she can step on each spiteful, critical voice and reduce them to what they are. Nothing.