Late summer musings

So I survived the 40th birthday. No major fanfare, fireworks or drunken escapades. I hung out with my girls, we talked, and laughed. Or more accurately they recounted their favorite "Jen dating stories". So for my friends who where there and hadn't heard them, I retold them. We all laughed. Great food, good stories and laughter. It was PERFECT. Summer moved on...I started my new job. To backtrack, early June I applied for a job, and after much back and forth I got it. I was overjoyed. I worked for 6 months on trying to get into this place. It was validation for me and finally I could breathe. So I've been there a little over a month now and its great. the atmosphere is calm, and the people are so nice. How rare is it for total strangers to say hello? in the workplace it normally is. Not here. I was taken aback when someone I didn't know said hello to me. I've learned to smile even more at work. It's mood boosting. Towards the end of June I decided to dip my toe back into dating. Well - it's been amusing. Once again I'm amazed by the things men will ask you on a dating site. Things they'd NEVER ask you in person, but the beauty of the interwebs is you never have to face a person if you don't want to. So, I've been asked if I want to be with a man who is in a OPEN relationship. hmmm...does your WIFE know you're in an open relationship? I doubt it. I also got asked to be with a "sugar daddy". that was a new one. He would pay for things as long as I would go out with him...hmmm again while I have bills I need to pay, not worth it to be basically considered an escort. I'll pass THANKS. Men from Missouri to India have messaged me...NEITHER are close last time I checked. and while I think 60 isn't old, I'm not looking to date a man who is 60. Same goes for the 22 year old. Just....NO. What have I learned from all of this? I'm tired. This exhausts me. Which only fosters the belief I had back in March that I'm not ready for this. I just don't want it. A large part of me wants MY time. ME. ME ALONE. ME DOING WHATEVER I WANT. So I"m caught between wanting it all and wanting none of it. If some magic karma like love at first sight kind of thing happens - cool. But I have other things to work on. I think I've been looking for approval from the wrong places. Looking for a man to make me forget the things in my life that I don't like. Put another way, looking for a distraction from what I actually need to get done to move forward in my life. The problem with this is, I've forgot how to listen to myself, and I've forgot that any change, starts from within, and I'll never get that condo/house if I don't start really, and truly tackling the issues in my life. I need to look for approval from myself. I need to really listen to that gut that has never steered me wrong. In conjunction with my own desire to meditate if you will, and seek some direction from within, I will continue the therapy. Because that's one step in the right direction, and one step in a way that will continue to foster a sense of success. Cause right now, I'm battling every negative voice in my head. I'm hearing that negative voice that's ever told me I can't do something. that's what's ruling my life right now. It's very difficult to ignore that voice. Especially when they've spent the whole of your life telling you what to do. So sometimes, when I procrastinate, that really isn't me being lazy, I think it's me being afraid. Afraid to be successful at what I actually want. Afraid to do something other than listen to those negative voices...you shouldn't eat that...you need to lose weight...you'll fail at this like you did everything else...no one wants to hire someone who is overweight...men only want skinny girls...Such bullshit. I wish I could explain to people how loud that voice is. Sometimes its almost impossible to hear my own. It's like my voice is being crushed by an elephant and she can barely get the words out...YOU ARE GREAT. YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH. YOU CAN MOVE MOUNTAINS. YOU ARE A GREAT MOM. I'm trying to help her get louder. ****************** On a completely separate note, my child starts 2nd grade next week. Boy how fast time moves. She is more beautiful and smart with every passing day. I'm so proud of her and lucky to be her mom. She gives me tremendous joy. So while there are days that I miss what once was, I know that my ex and I were meant to be together for a short time only - we were meant to bring her into the world and watch her shine. It's so much fun. ******************** Still on track to get the tattoo. Saw first sketch of what I'm likely going to get. Its lovely. Also reached out for some tattoo artist suggestions in my area. So, the plan is in progress. Some pain is necessary when trying to be reborn into what you are meant to be. Whatever that is. Stay tuned kids.