Feeling Minnesota

It's been a foggy couple weeks. The little one started school. She was excited and ready to go. I was excited for her but apprehensive naturally. Her dad dropped her off at daycare that morning - we wanted her to have the full experience of riding the bus to school and being dropped off. Granted she didn't have to ride far, but it was still so amazing to watch. As the bus pulled up, I saw her little face in a seat bigger than her. She was waving at us and smiling. How is it that when you give birth to a child, time moves forward at a pace your brain is never ready for? Things happen before you have time to fully process the event. So there I was, standing in the school yard walking behind my child while she was lead to the welcome area for kindergartners. She walked in the school and that was it. Day moves into day and it becomes normal. That first day of school I was pretty good. I, amazingly, didn't cry. Not sure why. But I was in quite a fog that whole day. I managed to wait until the afternoon to call daycare to be sure she got off the bus ok. Of course she was fine. In her words, "School is awesome!!" Of course it was.
I now officially have a school age child. How strange is that? I think back to the days when I didn't want kids at all. When I thought the concept of being a parent was far to overwhelming to handle. The words "lifetime commitment" bouncing around my head. She is worth it. I think I told Jay today that we made a great kid. No matter how our marriage turned out, we created a great person that is only getting better with every day. that's a tremendous achievement.
We've had some tumultuous weather here. A hurricane, some calm, and then another week of rain. I've reached my limit. The grey days weigh on me and shift my mood. I'm typically a happy glass full kind of girl. Weather like this makes me grey and low. I try then to counter that mood with music. I usually choose one of two routes - equally grey music so I just sink right into the mood until the sun appears. Or, I go for hard rock, or fun pop music to help break through to happier thoughts. I kind of did a mix. Listened to The Donnas, Clutch (of course), Billie Holiday, Matt Kearney, AC/DC, etc. So you see I was more floating in the middle. Drifting between grey and sunshine. It worked.
Then, Wednesday I woke with some tooth pain, but it was mild. So I didn't worry about it. Went to work, and managed. Came home with the peanut, had fun, and managed some more. Somewhere around 1am, it turned into throbbing, searing pain. I got up, and it didn't matter that I was shoving 500mg generic tylenol in my body, it was painful. I couldn't sleep so I turned on the TV. As we all know, if you are up after 2am, the tv choices are suspect and usually bad. It's either home shopping channels, or infomercials or some terrible show on HBO about sex. Clearly I opted for the bad show on HBO about sex. It was actually called "Women on top". I watched it. It was the worst acting ever. but of course that's not the point. Pretty naked people having sex. Women in control. whatever. Side bar from the tooth story - just once I'd actually like to see a sex scene that is based on some sort of story. I know all you guys out there are like fuck the story who cares - but sometimes, a good story, with some intrigue and imagination is twice as hot as two people going, "Hi" "Hi" "let's fuck". I mean who comes up with this shit? I was bored frankly. My imagination is 30 times better than any soft drama porn some 4th rate director can come up with. As an example, I watched the movie "The Tourist" tonight. the storyline was...ok but not great. But it held my interest. Angelina Jolie is crazy beautiful and Johnny Depp is...so sexy. Neither one of them were naked once in this movie. or even semi naked. But the way they dressed, looked at each other, and kissed was so hot. It was sexy and dramatic and steam rose from wherever they went. I don't mean that every soft drama porn thing has to aspire to the likes of that but my point is elevate your work a little and it might go somewhere. argh.
but I digress....anyway I called the dentist office the next morning crying into the phone cause I was in so much pain. I called the ex to come pick up the peanut and bring her to daycare. I'm so glad we are friends. He was happy to help. So I went in on Thursday and they pulled the dead tooth. Now knowing myself, I should have pushed to be put out. but honestly I couldn't have waited another day. and knowing my teeth as I do, they are like the roots of a 100 year old tree. They don't want to leave my mouth regardless of how dead they are. I was shot with a lot of novacaine which didn't really touch the pain cause it was infected. Great. I cried, yelled, and they shut the door cause I was likely upsetting anyone else who had come for a simple procedure. Awesome. It's always good to know when you are frightening other people.
In the end, the dentist did a great job, and it while it was painful and I now resemble chip and dale, I feel better. 800mg ibuprophen helps along with 500mg. of penicillin 4 times a day.
So here I sit watching Palladia, my favorite channel these days along with NESN. Watching Radiohead. I think this new album might be worth getting. I really like the ethereal sound they've created with these songs. Fits my mood of late...oh now Soundgarden is on....love this channel.
Status since the breakup - well we've talked here and there. Emailed further explanations of how we feel and how that initial phone call was interpreted. on both sides. I've done my best to respect his wishes and stay away. I do want him as a friend, but I don't think he wants that right now. Breakups are never easy. It's funny how there are times you want to call that person and just talk about bullshit because you are so used to doing that. Used to them being a part of your everyday. You break up with someone and suddenly those things are all redefined and out of sync. Like he got me started on this supremely nerdy hobby of collecting coins. (stop laughing Danielle!) I keep telling myself its for future investment. The funny thing is...I like it. There are literally hundreds of coins out there that are amazing in terms of the artistry and level of detail. World coins, compared to US coins are beautiful. US Coins are fucking dull. Now I'm kind of hooked. As an investment, it is worth it to buy precious metals in different forms as the values of them will only increase over time. I wanted to call him the other day to talk about a coin i wanted to buy to see if it was worth it. Right now, I can't do that. Which is a shame but at the same time I understand why I can't. Someday maybe I'll be able to do that again. To be completely cliche, "Only time will tell". hate that phrase.
It's interesting that Soundgarden is on and I titled this post Feeling Minnesota. I've always related to that song. Not sure why. I think it's the opposites that exist. Feeling California..feeling minnesota...that's how the past couple of weeks have gone. Sunshine and grey. I'd prefer the sunny side of the block.