Open up the windows

I think last January I had basically given a straight up fuck you to resolutions. Swore that it only promotes failure as opposed to success. I still agree with that. However 2012 has ushered in some interesting things to contemplate.
Work is going well - busy though. Of course it's always fun to start a new year with a company wide announcement of staff cuts. Nothing makes the employees happier. My company has many offices in the US and Europe. Europe is being hit worse apparently, but that is no solace to those of us who spent most of November and December working saturdays and doing weekly overtime to make sure production goals were met. Oh and did I mention the salary freeze? Yea that was another kind gesture from executive leadership. Cost of living increases, and our pay does not. I'm trying very hard to not complain - I know I am one of the lucky ones to have a job. Trust me I value it immensely. I do not take for granted the fact that my life would be very different right now if I was not working. But I think the thing that makes those announcements difficult is the tone in which they were delivered. There was a joke or two. Laughter even. Seemed...grossly inappropriate in my eyes. Like many of my coworkers, we are calculating car payments, rent, mortgages in our heads while executive leaders discuss bonus structures behind closed doors. As a single mom, living in an apartment with her child, laughter was not on the top of my list of things I wanted to hear after those announcements. It became clear to me after that call, that no one is safe and comfortable, and a plan needs to be put in place. I have to prepare for future possibilities. That's scary. I love my job. I love where I am - while part of it is in my control - type of job i do, performance, etc - the decision for me to stay or go is not up to me. So I must take care of me and ultimately my peanut. I hope the plan I come up with I never have to use.
In the middle of all these changes, I met someone. Not just anyone. But a man who made me feel something in my core that I forgot existed. I'm sure unless you are living in a cave you have heard of the show The Bachelor. It is guilty terrible tv watching for me. I know this. I watch it anyway and enjoy the train wrecks. I always felt that it seemed so crazy that these women could fall for a man they barely know, and claim to love him or have a deep connection. Until it happened to me. The man I met, I fell for hard and fast. I've figured out that what it was is this - he showed me everything I wanted. I'd been spending months if not years telling myself that I could either live with less, or that I wasn't going to find that. He opened up a window and basically said, look outside it's all right there. Then just as fast as he offered it, he took it back. All of it. Told me he could not give me what I needed - he needs to work on himself. I won't give out all those details here, but I will say he has a history of mistrust, for good reason, and goals that he wants to achieve. He wants to figure out how to love himself in a way he did 8 or 9 year ago. I wish he could balance those goals with a relationship but he can't. So while we have that deep connection, and a million things in common, and a intimate compatibility, we can not be. We let each other go, we got back together, we let each other go, we got back together - 3 times if I recall right, and I've never been a big fan of rollercoasters. I can honestly say that seeing him go, was more pain than I've felt in a very, very long time. A gut wrenching tear filled mess. To my friends who care for me, I know that somewhere in their minds they are thinking I'm nuts, and that it can't be possible to feel that intensely about another person in only a matter of weeks. I propose this question - What if it is possible? What of love at first site? It has happened to many people and lifetimes have been built on those emotions. I am the first to admit I did not believe it to be something that would ever happen to me. It did.
We both said we would leave each other alone. He truly needs to work on himself. I know it's not bullshit and he isn't hiding another person in the wings - I know his history - he would never be that man. He just is a work in progress and I showed up at a time when he can't give me the type of relationship I want. Unfortunate to say the least. He did however remind me of some things that I think i forgot. One of my friends said to me months ago "Don't you want to be worth waiting for?" and I didn't truly get what she meant until now. While I value who I am, and I believe that I'm a good person with much to offer, I need to stop selling myself. Stop dating websites, stop all the nonsense used to detract from fixing myself in a real way. It's always easy to do the things you want and ignore the hard stuff.
I'm awesome, and worth every bit of another man's time. But I need to let whoever he is - find me. I can't make myself a commodity, a product worth buying. I'm better than that. I have a good life, and I need to find satisfaction in just living with myself. He reminded me that these are worth while goals to strive for. He did show me everything I deserve. He made me yearn again for true companionship and comfort. I have not felt that sort of yearning since I dated my ex-husband...a long time ago. While all this is painful and I'm sad, I also know it is the way it has to be and I'm trying very hard to embrace it. I'm fighting with myself constantly about reaching out to him and talking to him but I know I can't. I can't go back to "I want you" "I can't do this" again. It's draining and it hurts. So the self imposed dating break is on. He inadvertently reminded me that what I want is not going to show up because I'm searching. It will show up when I have truly let go of the chase. I'm not saying I'm shutting myself off to meeting someone down the road, but I'm not going to look for it. I'm not going to troll the internet for it, I'm going to just live. Enjoy my daughter, enjoy my friends, and get to know myself again because frankly, there have been times over the past 6 months that I've behaved like a woman I don't know. It's a window into myself that I don't like. Also I'm tired. I'm emotionally exhausted. I will recover, I'm tough. But this was hard on my soul.
I'll refocus on work, hopefully write more and figure some shit out. Refocus on my goal of home ownership. It's important to me and would be good for my little one. Buy a new couch. Teach myself how to make basic sushi.(it's an odd goal I admit but I think it might be relaxing to learn....says the girl who has NEVER done it before..) Get an oil change for my car. Do some things I've been ignoring because they all require work. The other thing this man I met talked about was Procrastination - which we both do on a regular basis - and that procrastination is sometimes used as a crutch for the fear of success. Which does make some sense. Fear and procrastination go hand in hand - I should know they've sat on my shoulders for most of my life.
I think the goal is still to have my life on a path by the time I'm 40. If not a unmuddled path, at least one that I can see.