Ok, so in order for me to go forwards, I need to go backwards a bit. Here is the short version of life events - married at 25, stayed married for about 10 years, had a child, marriage fell apart. To clarify - the marriage DID NOT fall apart because of the child - issues were there but muted. Muted in ways I didn't really see until later on. As is always the case. Officially divorced in February of 2009. Living on my own with my daughter since Sept. 08. It's been hard and good at the same time. The life struggle is always interesting to me. Everyone has had hard times of one kind or another. Ever have situations happen to you that just make you go, " REALLY?!? NOW is the best time for more shit to happen to me? Oh thank god cause I'm handling all the crap I already have going on just fucking fine." That has been been the past year for sure. The longest year of my life as I like to call it.
Thank god for work(kept me focused on something other than my failing marriage), friends(who've bought me many drinks and I owe them all),family(for always listening) and above all my daughter(for being the best.thing.ever.)
Those are some of the "things" that have helped me get up everyday and keep on moving. You never realize how strong you are until you are faced with decisions that you've only watched other people make. Like when is a marriage over? (you just know by the way. all the fight has been sucked oughta ya.)I had always figured out how I'd respond depending on the circumstances, but then when faced with the real decision, its different. It's not at all like you think. It's way fucking harder.
I swore I wasn't going to buckle, or break or fall apart. Sure, I had my moments, but somehow I harnassed sheer will and refused to be beaten. Plus, when a 3yr. old smiles at you, suddenly you feel like a superhero. So, rebuilding a life on my own has had its ups and downs. The other thing that has sustained me is music. It always has been a lifting up in my life at many points. Bruce Springsteen has carried me through more days than he realizes. I've always loved his music, but more so now than ever. I never understood "Tunnel of Love" until I got divorced. That album is about relationships, figuring out who you really are, and still having hope that you can come out alive. He sings so many songs about the human experience. There is one song off of "Born to Run" that I can think of that illustrates how much his hope has given me hope. There is a song called "Meeting across the River". It's about a guy who lives on the edge of what is legal. Doing whatever he can to make it. and he's always looking for that one "job" that's gonna make him walk tall and walk free forever. His girlfriend doesn't believe he has it in him, but he does. He still finds hope within himself to keep going. So he goes out on that last job, and carries a gun this time. The thing is, Bruce never gives us the ending. He never tells us if "eddie" makes it or not. But he does give you enough hope to believe that Eddie will make it. That this time, he's not just talkin'. That idea of hope, that around the next corner will be the success you need to pull yourself ahead is what keeps us all pushing. I know it does me. I keep telling myself that I just need to pull through the next week, the next month, and I"ll be in a better spot. Even if it doesn't happen, I keep pushing for it. Cause I know it's there. It's gotta be. I'm working towards changes within myself and in my surroundings and it moves slowly, but I'm convinced I'll get there. Even if I'm 40 by the time it happens. lol
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