Feelin' Good

I've already had my tea, and some lemon yogurt. I must say, most all of yogurt sucks. But Lemon is amazing. Smooth and not to sweet, refreshing. Good start to the day. Now I'm chillin' to a bit of E street radio on Sirius, "Twist and Shout" live.

How do you believe your own hype? Believe in yourself enough to make the person you are show up to the whole world. It's tough to do. Right now, that's my struggle. I know myself pretty damn well. I know what I'm about, but there are days that I look in the mirror for a minute to long and suddenly I have no idea who the fuck I am. Sure, I"m a divorced mom, a 36 year old woman with a great sense of humor, an oversexed mind, and a romantic nature that tricks my mind into believing the fairytale. Maybe I have listened to to much Springsteen. Wanting a man who with a dirty leather jacket and worn out jeans to take me away is just not real. But I don't know that I'm ready to stop believing. I'm not ready to chuck things that have kept me afloat the past few years especially. Truthfully Bruce is not all about the romanticism. He also delves deep into the loss, the despair and the heartache of not knowing yourself, of finding out the woman/man you loved is not who you thought they were. I guess I'm battling the romantic in me with the logical side that knows the real truth.

I have no idea why I'm so contemplative at this hour of the day, but sometimes a good cup of tea can do that to you. Oh, and on another note, I have a date today. It's funny how good it all seems on paper. You meet this person, you have all this AWESOME stuff in common...and then you meet and it all disappears. I'm hoping that's not the case. If it goes south, I'll have a good date story for everyone. Oh, and I have a few in the vault I'm going to start posting. Bad dates that should at least make you laugh and thank god you weren't me in that situation.

I think I need another cup of tea.

It's over Johnny

Dating is difficult at 36. I mean I knew this anyway, but living it is sometimes frustrating. So the guy I've been seeing - yeah my gut and my brain reached the same conclusion finally. Time to end a drawn out "relationship". We both realize that being friends is going to be much better for us than trying to force a relationship to work. We can't make square pegs fit in round holes. I think what frustrates us both the most is that ultimately we both want the same things. We just can't have them right now. Far to many circumstances in life that are in the way. If I could fast forward two years maybe it would have all been different. Maybe it would have been the same. I don't know. I just know that having him as a friend is important to me, so that is something we'll continue. So now its a new set of rules to figure out. How do you truly be friends with someone you dated? I've never had to really deal with this before. What are you allowed and not allowed to talk about? do you set boundaries? Or is it a free for all? I don't know.
So, as is my nature - I started prowling a bit just to see what's out there. Low and behold I met someone else. Go figure. A guy who lives much closer, is funny, smart and hopefully drama free. I know some would ask how can you do that so fast after breaking up? I was broken up with the guy i was dating longer than I was willing to admit - my mind was ready my heart was not. So, we'll see what happens. It could be awesome, it might not be. Either way I continue the quest for a real relationship that satisfies so many things that I miss. My parents feel I need to sit back and wait. That it will all just "happen". I don't agree. In some aspects, there needs to be some work on my part. The right man is not going to fall in my lap. Plus, I know what I'm looking for, I know what I need and so I'll look for it. I'm good on my own, I'm happy to a degree but having someone to share life with is wonderful. A partner in crime is what I miss. Feeling as if you and the person you're with can take on the world. That is powerful stuff.

Great weekend

So far it's been a great weekend. Yesterday was one of those those you never want to end. The weather is perfect, with a bit of a breeze. Abby and I went to the park and ran around like silly people. After dragging her from the park, we drove around and she took a nap in the car. The only place she'll nap now for me. In the car. I always love when I drive places and she falls asleep just as I get where I'm going. lol
Anyway, My mom mentioned she wanted to get some yarn, so I texted a great friend who happens to knit, and she googled locations for me. We found a cool little place between and stopped there. Mom is planning on making an Afgan for herself. So after that we headed back to her house, and drew on the driveway with chalk. Such fun. I made a hopscotch but frankly, I did it wrong. I mean this is an easy thing right? How many times as kids did we draw one of these fucking things? Well, I managed to do the boxes wrong. lol. It didn't matter as we had fun and abby hopped all over anyway. We didn't want to go inside one bit. Days like that are absolutely priceless.

I actually learned something

Recently I had a revelation of sorts about myself. I know this can happen at any time and at any point in life but I figured I had myself pretty well sorted out. Not so. There is apparently much more to learn.
The revelation came out of an argument with my mom. I'm not going to delve into the minutae of this blowout, but needless to say in her way of attempting to be helpful, she just made me feel bad about myself. Counterproductive to what she intends and yet that's how it all came out.
In the middle of this argument I realized this -
I DON'T HAVE TO SIT HERE. I DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO THIS. I'M 36. I CAN LEAVE.

For whatever reason, I'd NEVER considered this before. I guess you spend your life being the child and one day you're an adult but nobody told you that. Sure, you work, you play you do the things that grownups do, but when it comes to that parent/child dynamic, you are still the child. The idea that you can leave, you can walk away from a negative and hurtful situation seems so foreign to me. I never realized I could do that. In that moment, I stood up and left. I got in the car and drove away. Granted, she called me, and I came back, but the point is, I can GO. I don't have to stay and be berated for things I already know. I know that I need to exercise and take care of myself. I know that in some ways i'm a complete and utter mess. But don't hit me over and over again with a club. really, I GET IT. The other interesting thing about this, is I had just posted a few days before this fight that when there is a lot of silence I'm more motivated to move. This bruise pushing doesn't help me. It only makes me say fuck you that much louder. I know it's a childish response and not helpful to me in any way, but I can't help it. Don't continually hurt me in the same way over and over again and expect results. If anything you just push me farther away.
I guess I have way more to figure out about myself. This one was a surprise but worth it.

On another note, abby comes home today. She spent a week with her dad, (daycare closed) and now she comes back with mom. I miss my peanut. Sometimes I irrationally worry that she'll forget about me when she's gone, but logically i know that's just fucking stupid. I'm her mom, and she knows who I am. She will never forget me. So i gotta calm down. :) I did buy her a new book. Ricky Gervais of "The Office" fame puts out these pop up children's books of made up monsters and its called "Flanimals" they are fantastic. So I'm looking forward to reading that one to her later on.

For now, a possible nap, and working on the project of me plan. I reintroduced myself to my workout clothes. They said hello in a sort of huff - we haven't talked in a while so I think they're hurt. The sneakers are coming out as well...let's go walking people.

Cooking and stuff

Made myself a great dinner tonight. Cod (from whole foods) which was already lightly breaded with garlic and lemon, sauteed it on the stove, and made some couscous to go with. It was VERY yummy. I'm so full. I have enough left over for lunch, but I'm leaning towards a salad - alfalfa sprouts and craisins and almonds Oh MY! Love me some salad. :)

It's been a crazy tiring several days. Got vomitus sick last wednesday, called out of work and of course, as my mind works, felt guilty about it. WHO does this?!? So many people call out and don't give a shit. Me? I lay in bed sick as a dog and wonder if anyone at work is mad at me cause I'm out. I'm out for a legitimate sickness and I sit at home and feel terrible I'm not working. It's dumb. I know this.
Thursday and Friday were scheduled vacation as Abby's daycare is closed for vacation. Thursday was recoup day, watching movies, and hanging out. Friday was the kids Musuem, (as detailed in prior post) and then late Friday night the peanut got the ick. It was not funny or fun. Nothing worse than watching your child be freaked out that she threw up and there is no way to stop it. I put her in the tub and cleaned her off standing up, (she cried the entire time by the way which of course made me feel worse) and then I put her in my bed. Yep, you guessed it, she yaked in my bed. Needless to say I felt sooo bad. I slept on the living room floor while she slept on the couch. It's just what you do. At 6am I was up, cleaning, disinfecting and otherwise putting our little home back together. By noon she was so much better and you'd almost never know she'd been sick. I was non stop, doing laundry, etc all day and at 9pm my body yelled at me and I went to sleep.
Sunday was better - beautiful outside and perfect for the park. Slides and swings...what's better? We had fun until she fell and bloodied her nose. (sigh) I felt terrible, and she handled it pretty well. but nothing ends a park trip like blood. All in all, a good weekend, but honestly, I'm still tired. She's with her dad this week - closed daycare. She'll have fun, as I know she always does. :)

In the meantime I'm busy at work, and busy in my head. Friends to see this week, and maybe the guy I'm dating - which I still have no idea what to do about. I haven't seen him in a month at this point though we talk all the time. Its a conundrum to say the least. Trying to move forward and not backward, or at the very least sideways. Pay off one bill, on to the next. Be a great mom, be a better me and have some fun at the same time. Manage it all and still laugh and smile and not let negative voices overtake the happy ones. It's a battle. I think I'm winning. However it is only Monday.

Feeling mom like today

Its funny how the day to day life of being a parent can get lost. You function on autopilot and you sometimes almost forget to BE a mom. I was reminded today what fun that is. Myself and Gina, and Amanda of course, took three little girls to a kids museum today for running screaming fun. They loved it of course. I was reminded how great it is to just watch your child be a child and talk to each other in that language that only other kids get. Imagination is a cool thing to watch.

Something I'm working on

Ok so I found this one in my desk at work. Apparently that meeting was not holding my interest. lol. Kind of speaks for itself. I mean what I'm after isn't much. It should be a no brainer. Treat me as you'd want to be treated. Make me feel like I matter. How tough is that? Its amazing to me how few truly understand. It's a work in progress. I don't think "the end" is really it. It needs some reworking.

3/24/09


Wants and Needs


Pull me close.
Grab my neck and attack my body
with hunger and thirst.
Fingers should rove over every curve and hill
till you find a hot place to rest.
Feel me like I’m new.
Watch me as if I’m a stranger.
Kiss me with all heart and passion –
As if it’s the first time we’ve met.
Make it new every time so it never
seems like a copy of another life.
Tell me I’m beautiful even when I’m not.
Let me see something in your eyes that is worth
holding onto, so I don’t feel so inclined to
let go.