Christmas Eve. My parents and sis came over. They've been coming to my apartment now for the past couple years and I've come to not only enjoy it, but love it. My mom does so much work between thanksgiving and Christmas, it's nice to have them over and they get to sit still for a change. Short list of what I've had to drink so far - a beer, a spiked egg nog, 2 glasses of wine (working on the third) and a shot of disaronno. (which is quite good by the way - the commercials are terrible. I mean who really goes to a bar and orders that?!? Although I might be now. lol) The peanut is still out with her dad. She always spends christmas eve with her father. Splitting time. As long as I get to see her Christmas morning, I'm negotiable on almost every other point. She's very excited for Santa to come visit. There were a couple things she wanted Santa to bring her and I had to explain to her that, um "Santa" couldn't always do everything- but he may still bring you other surprises.
Which leads me to the semi-shoddy construction of some of today's toys. I put together her big gift. The Disney Rapunzel Tower. It went together pretty easily, but a piece or two doesn't close as it should, and most of the stickers were already done. Do you remember when we were kids and everything our parents put together for us had a gazillion stickers?! My poor dad stayed up one year till like 1am putting on stickers to my Barbie Van. I don't know I guess I was kind of looking forward to doing that. As tedious and annoying as it would be, I still wanted to do it. and Mattel took away that opportunity. Oh well - I'm sure there will be something else for me to retell to Abby when she's an adult.
Another note, I've come late to the Ryan Adams party. I know many of my friends have often talked about how amazing he is; as a singer, songwriter, etc. But for a while I really didn't see it. But some friends of mine played me a couple songs that drew me in. A song I just heard recently has struck a heartstring. "Lucky Now" is the name of the song. Here's the beginning:
"I don’t remember were we wild and young
All that faded into memory
I feel like somebody I don’t know
Are we really who we used to be
Am I really who I was"
Something about his voice, the way he sings these words, really has my mind moving. Because there are far to many days where I feel like him. I feel like a person I don't know, and yet I think I'm still the person I used to be. But there are times that I don't see her anymore. I know I've talked about this before, but it's true. Sometimes it takes someone else to make the questions you're asking yourself clearer. I think she's still in me, that girl of 8 years ago - never mind the one I was in college! At this point I'm just looking for the girl I was when I first got married. She is who I miss most. There are elements of that girl still with me today - But I was 24 then? different time.
Well, it's almost time to play Santa. my peanut is home and hopefully passed out. I love this time of year.
Merry Christmas my friends.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Stormy Weather inside and out
So here we are. A week away from Thanksgiving. November did not start out the way I had thought it would. The very last saturday in October ushered in Storm Alfred. Oh the joys of living in New England...A Noreaster of epic preportions that dumped many inches of heavy, wet snow. Since the trees hadn't lost their foliage, this resulted in downed trees, power lines and of courses outages. Our office was without power for a week. I didn't have power for about a week myself. It was so odd to wake up and not go in to work. I got a fair amount of cleaning done, but it still seemed wrong even though logically I knew I could do nothing about it.
I spent a lot of time at my parents house (they survived me and I survived them thank god) and we all talked about power outages and processes, etc. My dad having been a lineman, I remember what it was like to watch the snow come down and know my dad was out in it, fixing things in the cold, making things better for people. It was hard sometimes cause I just wanted him home. But he had to work. Sometimes he'd be gone for 3 or 4 days and I'd ask my mom, "When's dad coming home?" and she would shrug and say "I'm not sure, maybe tonight." So over the week without power, we talked about things, remincesed and I spent time preaching the truth to my facebook friends. Everyone was angry and mad about not having power and were demanding it be fixed asap. I get why everyone was frustrated, i totally do. Not having power blows. But I have always tried to view it in this manner - I have a home. I have blankets, and sweaters, and water, and food...what about all those people braving a horrible storm who have nothing? Who have no place to live? So, I count myself lucky. Dad told me a couple of interesting stories from his line days. One in particular I thought was interesting. He was working one Thanksgiving. (which by the way he did a lot back in the day - being on call was no joke - you get called, day or night, 7pm, 3am you went in) He went out to a house to fix a connection. The husband came out of his house, and started yelling at my dad. "Boy you must just LOVE this! working on a holiday! What are they paying you? Triple time for this? Unbelievable what they pay you guys!" blah, blah, the guy went on and on. Can you imagine? He's just trying to do a job. But see this is the thing that gets me mental about power outages. People get pissed about the situation, but who takes the brunt of the customers anger? the guy on the street. It doesn't matter how you cloak your frustrations, ultimately thats who you are mad at. Fix it faster, fix it now we of little patience these days... So anyway, my dad looked at the guy and said, "Is your family in there? Are you having thanksgiving dinner? Sir, I'm just trying to fix this and get home to MY FAMILY. Don't you think I'd like to be home right now?" Apparently the guys wife came out of her house and ripped her husband a new one. Good for her I say. Bottom line - we all made it. Abby was a complete trooper and never complained once. Kid is amazing.
School is going great for her. There are hiccups along the way, which I expected. My child has done one or two things at school that surprised me. The good stuff - that's what you expect from your kid. It's the wierd, semi- bad behavior that always throws ya. One day she was hot in the classroom. So she took off her jumper and hung out in her shirt and tights. Then refused to put the jumper back on. Who does that?!? I couldn't help but read the teachers email and be like WHAT? Why is my child being so willful? I guess it's what 5 year olds do but still...and of course the grandparents all laugh and think it's just hysterical. That's what grandparents are supposed to do I've come to find out. Spoil them and laugh and do whatever they want for their grandkids. So amusing. HA. So we all had a talk with Abby about not taking clothes off at school. You'd think it would be a given but apparently no. sigh.
Then most recently my daughter turned to another kid in school and said "I'm going to punch you in the head." Again another moment where I read the teachers email and just was like WTF?! I guess when questioned she said "I thought it was funny". Ok, on what planet? Maybe while watching Spongebob, or some other wierd cartoon she got the idea that it was ok to bop someone on the head. So then we launch into a discussion about why that wasn't funny, why you never hit someone or threaten. She felt bad, but still said she just thought it was funny. sigh again. I mean she's never seen behavior of that kind exhibited anywhere! One of my friends suggested it was good that she at least warned the kid before she was about to pummel him...luckily she didn't get the chance. She's willful, determined, smart, hates change, and a bit sneaky. But overall, she has a big heart and loves people. She just gets very frustrated when things don't come easy to her. She expects she should just know how to do everything perfectly the first time around with no practice. - I wish. I wish I already knew how to do all the things I dream up. Like you wake up one day and automatically have the skills to perform difficult martial arts manuevers, or play guitar like Zappa or sing like Ella. She will learn that practice is a part of life and not everything is easy. In fact very little in life is easy.
It's so hard to parent to that perfectionism though cause I was never like that. Not that I didn't have expectations for myself, but I just accepted early on that everything was going to be work for me. I always knew that I'd have to study, I'd have to double check things, I'd have to use my fingers to add. Not to say I'm not smart, I'm damn smart, but I'm not gifted in that knowledge is hard fought for me. It's not an automatic feed.
Parenting is fun, and stressful and can be overwhelming. A friend of ours just announced they are pregnant with their 6th child! I was floored. I have enough issues handling the 1 kid never mind 6! It baffles me how parents do it. But I guess you just figure it out. What's one more kid after you've had 3? I have a great close friend who has a kid older than Abby, and we trade stories and marvel at how much alike our kids are even though their ages are so far apart - Abby at kindergarten the other a 4th grader. But it makes me feel better to see a glimpse of what the road ahead is like. It's comforting to know that she will navigate the challenging things, she will move forward - she will somehow, even if she hates it, adapt to changing landscapes. You try so hard not to fuck up your kids. You make night time vows that you'll be different than your parents. Your parents try and save you from making the same mistakes they made but guess what? You're likely going to make a whole set of brand spankin' new mistakes. They won't be the same ones as your parents made with you, cause you've already lived through those and have vowed never to repeat them. But the ones you make now will be all your own. I try to be sure they are small..I'm trying not to "go big" on the number of years my kid will be in therapy.
I've also dipped my toes back into dating. Oh for the love...it's got worse I think. It's been three years since I've done the online dating thing and frankly I think the pool from which I'm looking is worse. lol. I mean if you go on a date with a man isn't there some expectation of decency? Like wouldn't it be common courtesy to be fucking sober for your date? One would think so...apparently not. he admitted to doing shots and such with a friend at Chili's before our date. Nice. So I get a half lit half wit by the time I show up. It doesn't matter that you look good or smell nice, You could be the hottest guy ever but if you're drunk - no thanks. so that was interesting. Then, on another occasion, I was driving to meet someone for a date, and while they are attempting to help you with directions, on the phone, they proceed to yell at you. "HOW could you have missed that turn? What's WRONG WITH YOU?" wow. I didn't realize that Hitler was still dating. I mean COME.ON. and if another guy asks me what my chest size is, or what I like to do in bed I might just scream. While those things are important, I want a man to want to actually KNOW ME. Someone who wants to know who I am. I didn't think I was asking for to much but apparently I might be. I might need a break from all the idiocy out there. The thing is, I don't know how to be this girl with a filter. When a man is talking to me and asking me questions, I'm honest, I answer. but then they think I'm only interested in sex or all I care about is one thing - I care about many things. I don't know how to shut myself off and only deliver one side or one part. Every emotion in me is out there. I am who I say I am - and I want someone who loves all of that in me. Like no one is going to meet me and be like "wow she's nothing like she said". I don't know. I'm just feeling incapable of figuring this out.
I have all this confusion in my head, then I go to my parents house, and I see red roses on the table and in the living room. I was like, "aww dad got you flowers?" "yup he did." dad says, "Yea, I thought your mom could use them. I bought them for her cause I just love her." and my mom looks at my dad and then me and goes, "I just love him too." I instantly wanted to vomit and cry all at the same time. I love watching them together and I also want to swiftly bang my head against a wall. These are my rule bearers. These are my standards for the world of love. Two people who likely drive each other nuts at times, but have been married for 42 years this month and would take a bullet for the other in a second. So I make a crack and say, "ugh that's so sweet, no man is buying me flowers! haha". everyone laughs. flash to a couple days after that, and Abby brings me yellow roses. My dad felt bad, cause he thought I felt bad, and figured I deserved to have flowers too. So he bought me roses. I almost cried. See when I talk about what a "man" is, I don't mean the flowers. Well he got flowers so that makes him a man? No. I mean the thoughtfulness. The sensitivity to others. The selflessness of his behavior is what makes him a man. He understands that the smallest gesture can have the greatest impact in someones day or life. It's taking the time to consider another person over what YOU want. That is being a man. My standards are what they are cause I know it exists. Someday I'll find that. I hope. and if not, well, at least I have my toys. HA!
I spent a lot of time at my parents house (they survived me and I survived them thank god) and we all talked about power outages and processes, etc. My dad having been a lineman, I remember what it was like to watch the snow come down and know my dad was out in it, fixing things in the cold, making things better for people. It was hard sometimes cause I just wanted him home. But he had to work. Sometimes he'd be gone for 3 or 4 days and I'd ask my mom, "When's dad coming home?" and she would shrug and say "I'm not sure, maybe tonight." So over the week without power, we talked about things, remincesed and I spent time preaching the truth to my facebook friends. Everyone was angry and mad about not having power and were demanding it be fixed asap. I get why everyone was frustrated, i totally do. Not having power blows. But I have always tried to view it in this manner - I have a home. I have blankets, and sweaters, and water, and food...what about all those people braving a horrible storm who have nothing? Who have no place to live? So, I count myself lucky. Dad told me a couple of interesting stories from his line days. One in particular I thought was interesting. He was working one Thanksgiving. (which by the way he did a lot back in the day - being on call was no joke - you get called, day or night, 7pm, 3am you went in) He went out to a house to fix a connection. The husband came out of his house, and started yelling at my dad. "Boy you must just LOVE this! working on a holiday! What are they paying you? Triple time for this? Unbelievable what they pay you guys!" blah, blah, the guy went on and on. Can you imagine? He's just trying to do a job. But see this is the thing that gets me mental about power outages. People get pissed about the situation, but who takes the brunt of the customers anger? the guy on the street. It doesn't matter how you cloak your frustrations, ultimately thats who you are mad at. Fix it faster, fix it now we of little patience these days... So anyway, my dad looked at the guy and said, "Is your family in there? Are you having thanksgiving dinner? Sir, I'm just trying to fix this and get home to MY FAMILY. Don't you think I'd like to be home right now?" Apparently the guys wife came out of her house and ripped her husband a new one. Good for her I say. Bottom line - we all made it. Abby was a complete trooper and never complained once. Kid is amazing.
School is going great for her. There are hiccups along the way, which I expected. My child has done one or two things at school that surprised me. The good stuff - that's what you expect from your kid. It's the wierd, semi- bad behavior that always throws ya. One day she was hot in the classroom. So she took off her jumper and hung out in her shirt and tights. Then refused to put the jumper back on. Who does that?!? I couldn't help but read the teachers email and be like WHAT? Why is my child being so willful? I guess it's what 5 year olds do but still...and of course the grandparents all laugh and think it's just hysterical. That's what grandparents are supposed to do I've come to find out. Spoil them and laugh and do whatever they want for their grandkids. So amusing. HA. So we all had a talk with Abby about not taking clothes off at school. You'd think it would be a given but apparently no. sigh.
Then most recently my daughter turned to another kid in school and said "I'm going to punch you in the head." Again another moment where I read the teachers email and just was like WTF?! I guess when questioned she said "I thought it was funny". Ok, on what planet? Maybe while watching Spongebob, or some other wierd cartoon she got the idea that it was ok to bop someone on the head. So then we launch into a discussion about why that wasn't funny, why you never hit someone or threaten. She felt bad, but still said she just thought it was funny. sigh again. I mean she's never seen behavior of that kind exhibited anywhere! One of my friends suggested it was good that she at least warned the kid before she was about to pummel him...luckily she didn't get the chance. She's willful, determined, smart, hates change, and a bit sneaky. But overall, she has a big heart and loves people. She just gets very frustrated when things don't come easy to her. She expects she should just know how to do everything perfectly the first time around with no practice. - I wish. I wish I already knew how to do all the things I dream up. Like you wake up one day and automatically have the skills to perform difficult martial arts manuevers, or play guitar like Zappa or sing like Ella. She will learn that practice is a part of life and not everything is easy. In fact very little in life is easy.
It's so hard to parent to that perfectionism though cause I was never like that. Not that I didn't have expectations for myself, but I just accepted early on that everything was going to be work for me. I always knew that I'd have to study, I'd have to double check things, I'd have to use my fingers to add. Not to say I'm not smart, I'm damn smart, but I'm not gifted in that knowledge is hard fought for me. It's not an automatic feed.
Parenting is fun, and stressful and can be overwhelming. A friend of ours just announced they are pregnant with their 6th child! I was floored. I have enough issues handling the 1 kid never mind 6! It baffles me how parents do it. But I guess you just figure it out. What's one more kid after you've had 3? I have a great close friend who has a kid older than Abby, and we trade stories and marvel at how much alike our kids are even though their ages are so far apart - Abby at kindergarten the other a 4th grader. But it makes me feel better to see a glimpse of what the road ahead is like. It's comforting to know that she will navigate the challenging things, she will move forward - she will somehow, even if she hates it, adapt to changing landscapes. You try so hard not to fuck up your kids. You make night time vows that you'll be different than your parents. Your parents try and save you from making the same mistakes they made but guess what? You're likely going to make a whole set of brand spankin' new mistakes. They won't be the same ones as your parents made with you, cause you've already lived through those and have vowed never to repeat them. But the ones you make now will be all your own. I try to be sure they are small..I'm trying not to "go big" on the number of years my kid will be in therapy.
I've also dipped my toes back into dating. Oh for the love...it's got worse I think. It's been three years since I've done the online dating thing and frankly I think the pool from which I'm looking is worse. lol. I mean if you go on a date with a man isn't there some expectation of decency? Like wouldn't it be common courtesy to be fucking sober for your date? One would think so...apparently not. he admitted to doing shots and such with a friend at Chili's before our date. Nice. So I get a half lit half wit by the time I show up. It doesn't matter that you look good or smell nice, You could be the hottest guy ever but if you're drunk - no thanks. so that was interesting. Then, on another occasion, I was driving to meet someone for a date, and while they are attempting to help you with directions, on the phone, they proceed to yell at you. "HOW could you have missed that turn? What's WRONG WITH YOU?" wow. I didn't realize that Hitler was still dating. I mean COME.ON. and if another guy asks me what my chest size is, or what I like to do in bed I might just scream. While those things are important, I want a man to want to actually KNOW ME. Someone who wants to know who I am. I didn't think I was asking for to much but apparently I might be. I might need a break from all the idiocy out there. The thing is, I don't know how to be this girl with a filter. When a man is talking to me and asking me questions, I'm honest, I answer. but then they think I'm only interested in sex or all I care about is one thing - I care about many things. I don't know how to shut myself off and only deliver one side or one part. Every emotion in me is out there. I am who I say I am - and I want someone who loves all of that in me. Like no one is going to meet me and be like "wow she's nothing like she said". I don't know. I'm just feeling incapable of figuring this out.
I have all this confusion in my head, then I go to my parents house, and I see red roses on the table and in the living room. I was like, "aww dad got you flowers?" "yup he did." dad says, "Yea, I thought your mom could use them. I bought them for her cause I just love her." and my mom looks at my dad and then me and goes, "I just love him too." I instantly wanted to vomit and cry all at the same time. I love watching them together and I also want to swiftly bang my head against a wall. These are my rule bearers. These are my standards for the world of love. Two people who likely drive each other nuts at times, but have been married for 42 years this month and would take a bullet for the other in a second. So I make a crack and say, "ugh that's so sweet, no man is buying me flowers! haha". everyone laughs. flash to a couple days after that, and Abby brings me yellow roses. My dad felt bad, cause he thought I felt bad, and figured I deserved to have flowers too. So he bought me roses. I almost cried. See when I talk about what a "man" is, I don't mean the flowers. Well he got flowers so that makes him a man? No. I mean the thoughtfulness. The sensitivity to others. The selflessness of his behavior is what makes him a man. He understands that the smallest gesture can have the greatest impact in someones day or life. It's taking the time to consider another person over what YOU want. That is being a man. My standards are what they are cause I know it exists. Someday I'll find that. I hope. and if not, well, at least I have my toys. HA!
Friday, September 9, 2011
Feeling Minnesota
It's been a foggy couple weeks. The little one started school. She was excited and ready to go. I was excited for her but apprehensive naturally. Her dad dropped her off at daycare that morning - we wanted her to have the full experience of riding the bus to school and being dropped off. Granted she didn't have to ride far, but it was still so amazing to watch. As the bus pulled up, I saw her little face in a seat bigger than her. She was waving at us and smiling. How is it that when you give birth to a child, time moves forward at a pace your brain is never ready for? Things happen before you have time to fully process the event. So there I was, standing in the school yard walking behind my child while she was lead to the welcome area for kindergartners. She walked in the school and that was it. Day moves into day and it becomes normal. That first day of school I was pretty good. I, amazingly, didn't cry. Not sure why. But I was in quite a fog that whole day. I managed to wait until the afternoon to call daycare to be sure she got off the bus ok. Of course she was fine. In her words, "School is awesome!!" Of course it was.
I now officially have a school age child. How strange is that? I think back to the days when I didn't want kids at all. When I thought the concept of being a parent was far to overwhelming to handle. The words "lifetime commitment" bouncing around my head. She is worth it. I think I told Jay today that we made a great kid. No matter how our marriage turned out, we created a great person that is only getting better with every day. that's a tremendous achievement.
We've had some tumultuous weather here. A hurricane, some calm, and then another week of rain. I've reached my limit. The grey days weigh on me and shift my mood. I'm typically a happy glass full kind of girl. Weather like this makes me grey and low. I try then to counter that mood with music. I usually choose one of two routes - equally grey music so I just sink right into the mood until the sun appears. Or, I go for hard rock, or fun pop music to help break through to happier thoughts. I kind of did a mix. Listened to The Donnas, Clutch (of course), Billie Holiday, Matt Kearney, AC/DC, etc. So you see I was more floating in the middle. Drifting between grey and sunshine. It worked.
Then, Wednesday I woke with some tooth pain, but it was mild. So I didn't worry about it. Went to work, and managed. Came home with the peanut, had fun, and managed some more. Somewhere around 1am, it turned into throbbing, searing pain. I got up, and it didn't matter that I was shoving 500mg generic tylenol in my body, it was painful. I couldn't sleep so I turned on the TV. As we all know, if you are up after 2am, the tv choices are suspect and usually bad. It's either home shopping channels, or infomercials or some terrible show on HBO about sex. Clearly I opted for the bad show on HBO about sex. It was actually called "Women on top". I watched it. It was the worst acting ever. but of course that's not the point. Pretty naked people having sex. Women in control. whatever. Side bar from the tooth story - just once I'd actually like to see a sex scene that is based on some sort of story. I know all you guys out there are like fuck the story who cares - but sometimes, a good story, with some intrigue and imagination is twice as hot as two people going, "Hi" "Hi" "let's fuck". I mean who comes up with this shit? I was bored frankly. My imagination is 30 times better than any soft drama porn some 4th rate director can come up with. As an example, I watched the movie "The Tourist" tonight. the storyline was...ok but not great. But it held my interest. Angelina Jolie is crazy beautiful and Johnny Depp is...so sexy. Neither one of them were naked once in this movie. or even semi naked. But the way they dressed, looked at each other, and kissed was so hot. It was sexy and dramatic and steam rose from wherever they went. I don't mean that every soft drama porn thing has to aspire to the likes of that but my point is elevate your work a little and it might go somewhere. argh.
but I digress....anyway I called the dentist office the next morning crying into the phone cause I was in so much pain. I called the ex to come pick up the peanut and bring her to daycare. I'm so glad we are friends. He was happy to help. So I went in on Thursday and they pulled the dead tooth. Now knowing myself, I should have pushed to be put out. but honestly I couldn't have waited another day. and knowing my teeth as I do, they are like the roots of a 100 year old tree. They don't want to leave my mouth regardless of how dead they are. I was shot with a lot of novacaine which didn't really touch the pain cause it was infected. Great. I cried, yelled, and they shut the door cause I was likely upsetting anyone else who had come for a simple procedure. Awesome. It's always good to know when you are frightening other people.
In the end, the dentist did a great job, and it while it was painful and I now resemble chip and dale, I feel better. 800mg ibuprophen helps along with 500mg. of penicillin 4 times a day.
So here I sit watching Palladia, my favorite channel these days along with NESN. Watching Radiohead. I think this new album might be worth getting. I really like the ethereal sound they've created with these songs. Fits my mood of late...oh now Soundgarden is on....love this channel.
Status since the breakup - well we've talked here and there. Emailed further explanations of how we feel and how that initial phone call was interpreted. on both sides. I've done my best to respect his wishes and stay away. I do want him as a friend, but I don't think he wants that right now. Breakups are never easy. It's funny how there are times you want to call that person and just talk about bullshit because you are so used to doing that. Used to them being a part of your everyday. You break up with someone and suddenly those things are all redefined and out of sync. Like he got me started on this supremely nerdy hobby of collecting coins. (stop laughing Danielle!) I keep telling myself its for future investment. The funny thing is...I like it. There are literally hundreds of coins out there that are amazing in terms of the artistry and level of detail. World coins, compared to US coins are beautiful. US Coins are fucking dull. Now I'm kind of hooked. As an investment, it is worth it to buy precious metals in different forms as the values of them will only increase over time. I wanted to call him the other day to talk about a coin i wanted to buy to see if it was worth it. Right now, I can't do that. Which is a shame but at the same time I understand why I can't. Someday maybe I'll be able to do that again. To be completely cliche, "Only time will tell". hate that phrase.
It's interesting that Soundgarden is on and I titled this post Feeling Minnesota. I've always related to that song. Not sure why. I think it's the opposites that exist. Feeling California..feeling minnesota...that's how the past couple of weeks have gone. Sunshine and grey. I'd prefer the sunny side of the block.
I now officially have a school age child. How strange is that? I think back to the days when I didn't want kids at all. When I thought the concept of being a parent was far to overwhelming to handle. The words "lifetime commitment" bouncing around my head. She is worth it. I think I told Jay today that we made a great kid. No matter how our marriage turned out, we created a great person that is only getting better with every day. that's a tremendous achievement.
We've had some tumultuous weather here. A hurricane, some calm, and then another week of rain. I've reached my limit. The grey days weigh on me and shift my mood. I'm typically a happy glass full kind of girl. Weather like this makes me grey and low. I try then to counter that mood with music. I usually choose one of two routes - equally grey music so I just sink right into the mood until the sun appears. Or, I go for hard rock, or fun pop music to help break through to happier thoughts. I kind of did a mix. Listened to The Donnas, Clutch (of course), Billie Holiday, Matt Kearney, AC/DC, etc. So you see I was more floating in the middle. Drifting between grey and sunshine. It worked.
Then, Wednesday I woke with some tooth pain, but it was mild. So I didn't worry about it. Went to work, and managed. Came home with the peanut, had fun, and managed some more. Somewhere around 1am, it turned into throbbing, searing pain. I got up, and it didn't matter that I was shoving 500mg generic tylenol in my body, it was painful. I couldn't sleep so I turned on the TV. As we all know, if you are up after 2am, the tv choices are suspect and usually bad. It's either home shopping channels, or infomercials or some terrible show on HBO about sex. Clearly I opted for the bad show on HBO about sex. It was actually called "Women on top". I watched it. It was the worst acting ever. but of course that's not the point. Pretty naked people having sex. Women in control. whatever. Side bar from the tooth story - just once I'd actually like to see a sex scene that is based on some sort of story. I know all you guys out there are like fuck the story who cares - but sometimes, a good story, with some intrigue and imagination is twice as hot as two people going, "Hi" "Hi" "let's fuck". I mean who comes up with this shit? I was bored frankly. My imagination is 30 times better than any soft drama porn some 4th rate director can come up with. As an example, I watched the movie "The Tourist" tonight. the storyline was...ok but not great. But it held my interest. Angelina Jolie is crazy beautiful and Johnny Depp is...so sexy. Neither one of them were naked once in this movie. or even semi naked. But the way they dressed, looked at each other, and kissed was so hot. It was sexy and dramatic and steam rose from wherever they went. I don't mean that every soft drama porn thing has to aspire to the likes of that but my point is elevate your work a little and it might go somewhere. argh.
but I digress....anyway I called the dentist office the next morning crying into the phone cause I was in so much pain. I called the ex to come pick up the peanut and bring her to daycare. I'm so glad we are friends. He was happy to help. So I went in on Thursday and they pulled the dead tooth. Now knowing myself, I should have pushed to be put out. but honestly I couldn't have waited another day. and knowing my teeth as I do, they are like the roots of a 100 year old tree. They don't want to leave my mouth regardless of how dead they are. I was shot with a lot of novacaine which didn't really touch the pain cause it was infected. Great. I cried, yelled, and they shut the door cause I was likely upsetting anyone else who had come for a simple procedure. Awesome. It's always good to know when you are frightening other people.
In the end, the dentist did a great job, and it while it was painful and I now resemble chip and dale, I feel better. 800mg ibuprophen helps along with 500mg. of penicillin 4 times a day.
So here I sit watching Palladia, my favorite channel these days along with NESN. Watching Radiohead. I think this new album might be worth getting. I really like the ethereal sound they've created with these songs. Fits my mood of late...oh now Soundgarden is on....love this channel.
Status since the breakup - well we've talked here and there. Emailed further explanations of how we feel and how that initial phone call was interpreted. on both sides. I've done my best to respect his wishes and stay away. I do want him as a friend, but I don't think he wants that right now. Breakups are never easy. It's funny how there are times you want to call that person and just talk about bullshit because you are so used to doing that. Used to them being a part of your everyday. You break up with someone and suddenly those things are all redefined and out of sync. Like he got me started on this supremely nerdy hobby of collecting coins. (stop laughing Danielle!) I keep telling myself its for future investment. The funny thing is...I like it. There are literally hundreds of coins out there that are amazing in terms of the artistry and level of detail. World coins, compared to US coins are beautiful. US Coins are fucking dull. Now I'm kind of hooked. As an investment, it is worth it to buy precious metals in different forms as the values of them will only increase over time. I wanted to call him the other day to talk about a coin i wanted to buy to see if it was worth it. Right now, I can't do that. Which is a shame but at the same time I understand why I can't. Someday maybe I'll be able to do that again. To be completely cliche, "Only time will tell". hate that phrase.
It's interesting that Soundgarden is on and I titled this post Feeling Minnesota. I've always related to that song. Not sure why. I think it's the opposites that exist. Feeling California..feeling minnesota...that's how the past couple of weeks have gone. Sunshine and grey. I'd prefer the sunny side of the block.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
New wishes for a new September
Recently my dad revamped the tree swing in the backyard of their house. The trees in the yard are old and tired, but there are a couple oak trees that are strong enough to hold a swing. I remember swinging on it when i was younger. He fixed it up for Abby. She's been asking for weeks to go on it, but my dad, ever vigilant on safety issues, wanted it moved to another branch as the one it was on was dead. So he did. He fashioned a new wood plank seat, and has made the best.swing.ever. I was standing in my driveway watching Abby and my dad. The swing is long, and the ride stretches into the branches of another tree. She was laughing and hooting the whole time. It was a fantastic and awful moment all at the same time. I was so emotionally overwhelmed - to watch her behave as I did as a kid - it truly is like watching yourself all over again. Seeing how you looked to your own parents. The awful part is knowing she's getting older. Knowing that there may come a time when this is lame. When this won't be the coolest thing ever. It'll be replaced by some gadget, or god forbid, a boy...yikes. Of course while this bittersweet moment was going on I also had a thought - I can't wait to go try it out. I love swings. There is something wonderful about the feeling of flying through the air. I used to swing forever. I tested it out, and sure enough my toes touched the leaves. I was laughing, and I could hear Abby laughing, and I felt so comfortable. Happy being in motion.
So in watching this and other fun summer moments, I'm now faced with the fading of summer and the beginning of a new chapter with my girl. School. She starts kindergarten this week. I remember nursing her as baby, sitting her in her high chair feeding her baby food, watching her crawl, and walk and all those milestones...always feeling like school was a lifetime away. That we'd never get there. Now Abby is getting ready to go to school. Ride a bus, have a teacher, make friends, learn to write and read...It's scary for me and exciting for her. On top of all my emotions about her starting school, my emotions about having a school age child divorced are there as well. I know it'll pass, but when I had Abby, I never imagined my life to be different. I never thought I'd be divorced before my child turned 3. I figured my ex and I would be together forever and sharing in all these moments. but the world changes and life doesn't always give you the pat setup you're looking for. So we coparent and coordinate and write down schedules, and create spreadsheets of days and times for pickup and drop off. I've adjusted, and moved on with my life but sometimes memories sneak in. They remind you of what once was, who you were. I've always said you can run all over the country to run from your past and from yourself but in the end it follows you. So I adjust. I think things out and figure out how to move forward cause there is no going back - as Robert Frost once said, "SOMETIMES THE ONLY WAY OUT IS THROUGH." Don't I know it.
Have you ever wished for something and then found out you wished for the wrong thing? I have. I'm not really superstitious, but there is one thing that I've always done. If you catch the clock changing to 11:11, you're supposed to make a wish. So for years I wished for my soulmate. My other half. My person to love and cherish. I met my ex. and for many years that is exactly what we were to each other. Till things fell apart. After that I put wishes aside for a time as some of the romance I had held for so long had shattered and broke. Then I started wishing again. For a man to not only care for me, but to take care of me. That was something I'd never wished for before. I changed the wish. Can one do that? When you've set your heart on something can you adjust the wish? Are you allowed to mold it? I got what I asked for. But what do you do when you realize it doesn't fit you? How do you deal with a half dream? In some respects I had got my wish. I found a nice man who was good to me, who took care of me, who made some of the thigns I worried about obsolete. I liked him as a person, I cared for him and his kids. I thought for a long time "this can work". I thought I had it in me to wait. To wait for a change in him, a time when he would be free enough to be the man I needed. The man I knew he wanted to be. In many aspects he was the wish in the flesh. But when needs aren't being met, when you know in your heart that you are sacrificing your true self then it is time to change. I broke up with him a week ago. It was hard. There was a sense of calm that started to settle in this week. I listened to my gut and I knew it was the right choice. As I've said sometimes the hardest choice is the right choice. I'd like to keep him in my life as a friend. Cause we do enjoy talking to each other and making each other laugh. But for now, we aren't talking at all. Space is needed i think if we are going to a place where we can be friends.
I'm readjusting my wish. To make it more accurate for what my needs and wants are. The emotional and physical connection needs to be there. The desire and passion that is possible is way important to me. I can't ignore that side of myself or shelve it. I can't pretend like those needs don't exist or are less important than the day to day. Cause they aren't. The end of August beginning of September is ushering in some new changes. Some I'm ready for and some I'm not.
So in watching this and other fun summer moments, I'm now faced with the fading of summer and the beginning of a new chapter with my girl. School. She starts kindergarten this week. I remember nursing her as baby, sitting her in her high chair feeding her baby food, watching her crawl, and walk and all those milestones...always feeling like school was a lifetime away. That we'd never get there. Now Abby is getting ready to go to school. Ride a bus, have a teacher, make friends, learn to write and read...It's scary for me and exciting for her. On top of all my emotions about her starting school, my emotions about having a school age child divorced are there as well. I know it'll pass, but when I had Abby, I never imagined my life to be different. I never thought I'd be divorced before my child turned 3. I figured my ex and I would be together forever and sharing in all these moments. but the world changes and life doesn't always give you the pat setup you're looking for. So we coparent and coordinate and write down schedules, and create spreadsheets of days and times for pickup and drop off. I've adjusted, and moved on with my life but sometimes memories sneak in. They remind you of what once was, who you were. I've always said you can run all over the country to run from your past and from yourself but in the end it follows you. So I adjust. I think things out and figure out how to move forward cause there is no going back - as Robert Frost once said, "SOMETIMES THE ONLY WAY OUT IS THROUGH." Don't I know it.
Have you ever wished for something and then found out you wished for the wrong thing? I have. I'm not really superstitious, but there is one thing that I've always done. If you catch the clock changing to 11:11, you're supposed to make a wish. So for years I wished for my soulmate. My other half. My person to love and cherish. I met my ex. and for many years that is exactly what we were to each other. Till things fell apart. After that I put wishes aside for a time as some of the romance I had held for so long had shattered and broke. Then I started wishing again. For a man to not only care for me, but to take care of me. That was something I'd never wished for before. I changed the wish. Can one do that? When you've set your heart on something can you adjust the wish? Are you allowed to mold it? I got what I asked for. But what do you do when you realize it doesn't fit you? How do you deal with a half dream? In some respects I had got my wish. I found a nice man who was good to me, who took care of me, who made some of the thigns I worried about obsolete. I liked him as a person, I cared for him and his kids. I thought for a long time "this can work". I thought I had it in me to wait. To wait for a change in him, a time when he would be free enough to be the man I needed. The man I knew he wanted to be. In many aspects he was the wish in the flesh. But when needs aren't being met, when you know in your heart that you are sacrificing your true self then it is time to change. I broke up with him a week ago. It was hard. There was a sense of calm that started to settle in this week. I listened to my gut and I knew it was the right choice. As I've said sometimes the hardest choice is the right choice. I'd like to keep him in my life as a friend. Cause we do enjoy talking to each other and making each other laugh. But for now, we aren't talking at all. Space is needed i think if we are going to a place where we can be friends.
I'm readjusting my wish. To make it more accurate for what my needs and wants are. The emotional and physical connection needs to be there. The desire and passion that is possible is way important to me. I can't ignore that side of myself or shelve it. I can't pretend like those needs don't exist or are less important than the day to day. Cause they aren't. The end of August beginning of September is ushering in some new changes. Some I'm ready for and some I'm not.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Promises and sickness
After being sick for longer than I care to remember, I think I can safely say I'm better. Strep throat is no joke and frankly I'm disgusted with my doctor. I realize that they prescribe medicine to treat you based on symptoms and exam but honestly - how can you prescribe incorrect meds for strep throat? Here's the deal: I had a bad sore throat and they gave me amoxicillan. After 10 days, I was sorta good but not quite there. I went back in, tested positive for Strep, and they gave me the same medicine. AGAIN. Took it for ten days, and was good for a day or two, then got raging sick again. Went to the medhelp clinic in my area, and they gave me different meds. CRAZY! and basically told me that amoxicillan is good for nothing. Great. So now, after another ten days of meds, I'm actually better. See, what pisses me off here, is that my primary doc should know my history. Read my fucking file and you'd know that sore throats are the bain of my existence. So don't fuck around. Give me REAL MEDS. Stuff that actually treats a bacterial infection. Which, by the way, is what Strep IS. I didn't go to med school and even I know this.
So my sickness ended in time to celebrate my peanuts 5th birthday. I can't believe she's 5. Where did 5 years go? We went to NYC to see my sister and trudge through the American Girl Store. For any of you who are unaware of what this is, it's 3 floors of little girl heaven. Dolls, and clothes, and furniture, and pets to go with the dolls, and a doll hospital, tea party, etc. It was mobbed with people. I've been hesitant for a while now to even get her a doll cause honestly she likes animals better than dolls. You have no idea how many stuffed animals we have. I've considered a stuffed animal apocalypse but figured that might not bode well for her future mental stability. But she started to show some interest in the dolls, so I figured that would be a fun birthday treat. She did love it - but, typical to her, she picked her doll, one outfit, and the cat pet, and was done in like a half hour. It's so funny how you can plan this elaborate event for your kid and they're bored in like 10 minutes. Or more interested in something you didn't plan on at all. I think the most fun abby had was throwing pennies in the fountains at Roc Center with my sis. I think Abby misses her. She loves her Auntie. It makes me happy to watch my sister and Abby. They are wonderfully alike, and they seem to understand each other which makes my heart happy.
Of course in the middle of all this fun, about halfway into our visit to American Girl, she turned to me and said "I want to leave NOW." So to avoid the meltdown that was T-minus a minute away, we left. Again the fact that she's 5 is amazing to me. She's going to start soccer next week, and school in the fall. How did that happen? My world is changing all over again. Now it'll be school events, homework, backpacks, soccer practice and running, running,running...But I'm excited for all of it.
On a separate but related note, my sister and I had a talk this week that made me realize that I've been doing something to myself that is unnecessary. Putting added pressure on myself where I don't need to. I'm very aware of the promises I make to my child. Like when Abby says, "Mommy I want you to take me to Sea World!!" I don't say, "Sure I will" cause right now, I don't know when I"ll be able to afford a trip like that. So I say I hope that one day I can do that. I don't want to give her false hope and have her be disappointed. It makes me mental when I hear about parents who do that shit to kids. Don't make promises you can't keep has always been my mantra in life and in work. I don't ever want to be the parent that doesn't follow through on the promises I make to my child. I want to always show her that I do as i say I'm going to. However, what I have to remember is what things are most important. My sis called it an "embarrassment of riches". Choosing between two great things is not breaking a promise. If I don't take my child to a movie or to an event, she's not going to be in therapy in 15 years going, "My mom never took me to see Tangled!" The promises I need to make sure I always keep, are when she NEEDS me. Like she wants me to be at her soccer games, or gymnastic practice, or when there's a school event that I SHOW UP. Or when the boyfriend breaks her heart and she needs a hug - or support to do the best she can. Drying her tears when she's hurt. Those are the things she will judge me on as a parent. Not whether we colored eggs or saw a movie. So, I realize that I'm being to hard on myself. My sister put it in perspective for me in a way I hadn't thought about. Thanks to her, I remember now what I need to focus on. Sometimes with all the running around and efforts to do the right thing, I forget what the real battles are.
So my sickness ended in time to celebrate my peanuts 5th birthday. I can't believe she's 5. Where did 5 years go? We went to NYC to see my sister and trudge through the American Girl Store. For any of you who are unaware of what this is, it's 3 floors of little girl heaven. Dolls, and clothes, and furniture, and pets to go with the dolls, and a doll hospital, tea party, etc. It was mobbed with people. I've been hesitant for a while now to even get her a doll cause honestly she likes animals better than dolls. You have no idea how many stuffed animals we have. I've considered a stuffed animal apocalypse but figured that might not bode well for her future mental stability. But she started to show some interest in the dolls, so I figured that would be a fun birthday treat. She did love it - but, typical to her, she picked her doll, one outfit, and the cat pet, and was done in like a half hour. It's so funny how you can plan this elaborate event for your kid and they're bored in like 10 minutes. Or more interested in something you didn't plan on at all. I think the most fun abby had was throwing pennies in the fountains at Roc Center with my sis. I think Abby misses her. She loves her Auntie. It makes me happy to watch my sister and Abby. They are wonderfully alike, and they seem to understand each other which makes my heart happy.
Of course in the middle of all this fun, about halfway into our visit to American Girl, she turned to me and said "I want to leave NOW." So to avoid the meltdown that was T-minus a minute away, we left. Again the fact that she's 5 is amazing to me. She's going to start soccer next week, and school in the fall. How did that happen? My world is changing all over again. Now it'll be school events, homework, backpacks, soccer practice and running, running,running...But I'm excited for all of it.
On a separate but related note, my sister and I had a talk this week that made me realize that I've been doing something to myself that is unnecessary. Putting added pressure on myself where I don't need to. I'm very aware of the promises I make to my child. Like when Abby says, "Mommy I want you to take me to Sea World!!" I don't say, "Sure I will" cause right now, I don't know when I"ll be able to afford a trip like that. So I say I hope that one day I can do that. I don't want to give her false hope and have her be disappointed. It makes me mental when I hear about parents who do that shit to kids. Don't make promises you can't keep has always been my mantra in life and in work. I don't ever want to be the parent that doesn't follow through on the promises I make to my child. I want to always show her that I do as i say I'm going to. However, what I have to remember is what things are most important. My sis called it an "embarrassment of riches". Choosing between two great things is not breaking a promise. If I don't take my child to a movie or to an event, she's not going to be in therapy in 15 years going, "My mom never took me to see Tangled!" The promises I need to make sure I always keep, are when she NEEDS me. Like she wants me to be at her soccer games, or gymnastic practice, or when there's a school event that I SHOW UP. Or when the boyfriend breaks her heart and she needs a hug - or support to do the best she can. Drying her tears when she's hurt. Those are the things she will judge me on as a parent. Not whether we colored eggs or saw a movie. So, I realize that I'm being to hard on myself. My sister put it in perspective for me in a way I hadn't thought about. Thanks to her, I remember now what I need to focus on. Sometimes with all the running around and efforts to do the right thing, I forget what the real battles are.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
The Ick
I've been sick all week. Nothing like a bout of Strep Throat to suck the life out of you. So it's been time on the couch, and time in bed, and countless hours watching dumb shit on tv. I actually sat through the entire movie "fast and the furious". For two reasons. Vin Diesel. and I was to exhausted to change the channel. The remote was across the room. The movie had terrible dialog, a weak story, and the action was...mediocre. But watching Vin Diesel in a wife beater drive a fast car? well, that was alright. What can I say? I'm a girl.
There are things that I miss about being sick when you are with someone. You know when you are sick, it's always nice to have someone crawl into bed next to you and hold you. To feel them breathing on your back, and making you warm. Having that person look at you and say "Baby, I hate that your sick" and then give you a hug even though he knows damn well he's gettin' it next. I miss having somone there to care for me even when I look and feel like shit. To be able to ask them to run to the store for kleenex, or medicine or ginger ale. (which is only good while your sick - why is that??) I don't have that anymore. I have to self soothe. It sucks to be honest. I miss giving that kind of love and kindness to someone else. Feeling each others foreheads to see who is warmer from fever. Comparing who feels worse, and what meds are you taking today? Still having sex even while sick because for that short time you'll feel really, really good.
But I don't have that. So instead, I will watch shitty tv, nap on the couch, and run a bath by myself and soak away my ick. Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself today. Being sick will do that to you.
So, with tears streaming down my face, I will go run a hot bath, soak in the bubbles, and listen to the new Adele cd for the 50 millionth time. At the end I will be through my mood and likely stronger than I was an hour ago. Please don't mistake this momentary contemplation for weakness. I'm the strongest motherfucker you'll ever meet. I may be sensitive, and warm hearted, and emotionally intuitive, but I can handle almost anything and survive.
I would just like some other arms to to wrap around me and make me feel completely invinceable if only for a moment.
There are things that I miss about being sick when you are with someone. You know when you are sick, it's always nice to have someone crawl into bed next to you and hold you. To feel them breathing on your back, and making you warm. Having that person look at you and say "Baby, I hate that your sick" and then give you a hug even though he knows damn well he's gettin' it next. I miss having somone there to care for me even when I look and feel like shit. To be able to ask them to run to the store for kleenex, or medicine or ginger ale. (which is only good while your sick - why is that??) I don't have that anymore. I have to self soothe. It sucks to be honest. I miss giving that kind of love and kindness to someone else. Feeling each others foreheads to see who is warmer from fever. Comparing who feels worse, and what meds are you taking today? Still having sex even while sick because for that short time you'll feel really, really good.
But I don't have that. So instead, I will watch shitty tv, nap on the couch, and run a bath by myself and soak away my ick. Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself today. Being sick will do that to you.
So, with tears streaming down my face, I will go run a hot bath, soak in the bubbles, and listen to the new Adele cd for the 50 millionth time. At the end I will be through my mood and likely stronger than I was an hour ago. Please don't mistake this momentary contemplation for weakness. I'm the strongest motherfucker you'll ever meet. I may be sensitive, and warm hearted, and emotionally intuitive, but I can handle almost anything and survive.
I would just like some other arms to to wrap around me and make me feel completely invinceable if only for a moment.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Where is the rulebook?
You know we've all watched those terrible movies in which divorced parents battle out their differences in front of the kids and then the kids are a mess because of it. See I don't have that problem. I actually get along with my ex, quite well actually and I get along well with his girlfriend. We don't have anything to fight about anymore. The thing I wasn't prepared for in all of this, was my child using her frustrations to say things that would make me feel terrible. Rationally I know shes 4 1/2. But when your child says things to you like, "I miss Daddy and want to live with him forever!" It reduces me to rubble. Of all the things that I figured would make me feel bad about myself, I never figured on this. I never expected to have this little person look me in the eye and tell me, "I love Daddy more than you!!" which was tonights little gem. Which ultimately makes me feel small. Makes me feel defeated. Makes me feel like a rotten mother - which i KNOW I'm not.
Let me back up and tell you what happened tonight. So I picked her up from her dads house - it was his weekend. We got home, and she was starting to play with toys, we both wanted to put on pj's, so she was attempting to remove her shirt on her own, well it was tight around the head, and she got frustrated. She screamed a bit, and then I pulled it off. She yelled, "I just wanted to do it MYSELF!!" which is fine, I encourage her to try things herself. But I also always tell her, if she needs help, that's what I'm here for! Just ask me and I'm always available. Well she ran into her room, started crying in her bed, and then told me that she loved Daddy and shelly more than me. She also wailed, "Why is my daddy doing this to me? He has to come and get me!" Which of course, broke my heart. I try and rise above the initial knee jerk emotion, but that would indicate I was more highly evolved than I actually am. I got silent, and sad. I told her it made me sad, but when she was ready to come out and see me, and be nice to me, I'd be here. I teared up, because it hurt. I work so hard to do the right thing by her, to make her happy, and content, that it made me feel like a failure. She finally came out of her room and gave me a big hug. Told me she loves me and that, "Even when I'm not here, and I'm at Daddy's, I always miss you and I'm always in your heart." Which is in fact true. But why I had to suffer through the "I don't like you" comments is what I don't understand. There is no rulebook to turn to - see page 58 for hateful comments by your child. But then I guess I have to remember neither does she. She's working through emotions she doesn't understand, and while she talks likes shes 15, She still doesn't know how to express what she feels in words. I don't know. Its tiring. I get worn out. Sometimes I think I really, really suck at this whole motherhood thing. Then sometimes I feel like I'm doing ok. I feel as though I might have this whole thing down. I do the best I can and I just hope she notices. I hope she realizes that there isn't anything I wouldn't do for her, she's my flesh and part of my soul. Just as much as she belongs to her dad, she belongs to be. I hope she realizes how hard we both work to make her happy. She will likely never really understand till she has her own kids. Same thing my mother always told me. "Wait till you have kids...then you'll know how it feels." She's so very right.
On another note, I saw the dork this weekend. Once again I'm no closer to decerning what his intentions are than I was a month ago. His daughter told me this weekend that he'd never move to CT. Great I thought. He still wants to build in his hometown which is oh so far away from where I am. I'm still waiting. Waiting for something to be different. Waiting for the man I believe exists in him to show up. While its difficult to wait, I'm doing it by choice. Knowing in my gut that none of this may ever work out the way I want. Maybe it will. I just don't know. I know in my heart I can't ever move to MA. Doesn't matter what I want, my choice is dictated by my child. (I talked about this in a much earlier post - when does it get to be my turn...however what I've come to understand more and more is when you have a child, your "turn" no longer exists until your child is an adult. If you are lucky.) Her life is here right now, and I can't move her far away from her father. It wouldn't be right, and it wouldn't be fair. So what am I waiting for? Good question to which I have no answer. He makes me laugh, he makes me smile and I do the same for him. We enjoy each others company and we love each others children. I guess for now that is all it is. I know he cares about me, and I about him. But beyond that, I have no idea where his head is at. He says if he knew what he wanted that would suggest he actually had time to think about it. He doesn't have that he says. So I keep waiting. I just have to be careful how long I do it for. Otherwise I may miss out on my actual life.
Let me back up and tell you what happened tonight. So I picked her up from her dads house - it was his weekend. We got home, and she was starting to play with toys, we both wanted to put on pj's, so she was attempting to remove her shirt on her own, well it was tight around the head, and she got frustrated. She screamed a bit, and then I pulled it off. She yelled, "I just wanted to do it MYSELF!!" which is fine, I encourage her to try things herself. But I also always tell her, if she needs help, that's what I'm here for! Just ask me and I'm always available. Well she ran into her room, started crying in her bed, and then told me that she loved Daddy and shelly more than me. She also wailed, "Why is my daddy doing this to me? He has to come and get me!" Which of course, broke my heart. I try and rise above the initial knee jerk emotion, but that would indicate I was more highly evolved than I actually am. I got silent, and sad. I told her it made me sad, but when she was ready to come out and see me, and be nice to me, I'd be here. I teared up, because it hurt. I work so hard to do the right thing by her, to make her happy, and content, that it made me feel like a failure. She finally came out of her room and gave me a big hug. Told me she loves me and that, "Even when I'm not here, and I'm at Daddy's, I always miss you and I'm always in your heart." Which is in fact true. But why I had to suffer through the "I don't like you" comments is what I don't understand. There is no rulebook to turn to - see page 58 for hateful comments by your child. But then I guess I have to remember neither does she. She's working through emotions she doesn't understand, and while she talks likes shes 15, She still doesn't know how to express what she feels in words. I don't know. Its tiring. I get worn out. Sometimes I think I really, really suck at this whole motherhood thing. Then sometimes I feel like I'm doing ok. I feel as though I might have this whole thing down. I do the best I can and I just hope she notices. I hope she realizes that there isn't anything I wouldn't do for her, she's my flesh and part of my soul. Just as much as she belongs to her dad, she belongs to be. I hope she realizes how hard we both work to make her happy. She will likely never really understand till she has her own kids. Same thing my mother always told me. "Wait till you have kids...then you'll know how it feels." She's so very right.
On another note, I saw the dork this weekend. Once again I'm no closer to decerning what his intentions are than I was a month ago. His daughter told me this weekend that he'd never move to CT. Great I thought. He still wants to build in his hometown which is oh so far away from where I am. I'm still waiting. Waiting for something to be different. Waiting for the man I believe exists in him to show up. While its difficult to wait, I'm doing it by choice. Knowing in my gut that none of this may ever work out the way I want. Maybe it will. I just don't know. I know in my heart I can't ever move to MA. Doesn't matter what I want, my choice is dictated by my child. (I talked about this in a much earlier post - when does it get to be my turn...however what I've come to understand more and more is when you have a child, your "turn" no longer exists until your child is an adult. If you are lucky.) Her life is here right now, and I can't move her far away from her father. It wouldn't be right, and it wouldn't be fair. So what am I waiting for? Good question to which I have no answer. He makes me laugh, he makes me smile and I do the same for him. We enjoy each others company and we love each others children. I guess for now that is all it is. I know he cares about me, and I about him. But beyond that, I have no idea where his head is at. He says if he knew what he wanted that would suggest he actually had time to think about it. He doesn't have that he says. So I keep waiting. I just have to be careful how long I do it for. Otherwise I may miss out on my actual life.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Later
I was curious about your house.
Stepped lightly on your web.
You trapped me,
saved me for later.
Later isn't here.
As I dart my eyes from left to right,
under the night sky,
I question if later
is coming.
It feels like a claustrophobic,
slow,
death.
I'm bundled in a tight comfort
that approaches perfect
but lacks room for growth.
I feel stuck in this web.
The house is closing in while you sit
stare
and breathe fire and heat.
Waiting to be free
to stretch
and run
is starting to feel
like torture.
Stepped lightly on your web.
You trapped me,
saved me for later.
Later isn't here.
As I dart my eyes from left to right,
under the night sky,
I question if later
is coming.
It feels like a claustrophobic,
slow,
death.
I'm bundled in a tight comfort
that approaches perfect
but lacks room for growth.
I feel stuck in this web.
The house is closing in while you sit
stare
and breathe fire and heat.
Waiting to be free
to stretch
and run
is starting to feel
like torture.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
20 years have gone by? REALLY??
The other day I logged onto Facebook and I was invited to an event. Yay! An event! I said. I opened it and was in complete disbelief. There was a picture of my high school, and on the invite was "20 YEAR CLASS REUNION!!" How is this possible? How is it that 20 years have gone by? I sat in my chair and stared at the computer. Baffled. Confused. I felt a little like throwing up but decided that wouldn't help, I'd have to clean it up...ew.
1991. I was excited that year. I was looking forward to College, reinventing myself and figuring out life. So senior year was - a joy and drudgery all at the same time. Such is high school. Friends were leaving for far away places. I think mostly I couldn't wait to get out and get on with it. I think about that girl often. Where did that girl go?
In a lot of ways I'm glad I'm not that young lady from Senior year. I had such a hard time in high school talking to people my age. I was very shy, and I didn't know how to be myself in front of everyone. I was able to be my outgoing self in front of a few close friends, but otherwise I was anxiety ridden about being laughed at or not understood if I said something. So I read a lot, and didn't speak much in class. I have a feeling a lot of people in my class figured I just didn't talk - which on a lot of days wasn't entirely inaccurate. I wanted to feel comfortable and outgoing and smiling but I had no idea how to do it. I couldn't wrap my mind around it. It was so odd for me to watch my sister go through high school. Here experience was SO different. She was very outgoing and had a ton of friends. She was involved in a bunch of stuff and had a lot of fun. I was glad for her.
College ended up being great for me - and a job in retail where you are forced to talk to strangers. Now I don't shut up.
20 years, 20 years, 20 years...that's all I can think about. I'm unsure if I want to go. There are people that might go that I"d love to see. At the very least it might be motivation for me to work out a bit more. Which is good cause all I've been doing is 'thinking' about working out. ugh.
I was talking to a close friend of mine about turning 40. We both vowed to have our shit figured out by then. We figured we haven't done it so far but hopefully by then we've got it or are at least on the right path. I look back on the past 20 years and I wouldn't change it persay, I'd improve it. I think if I could go back, I'd do some things differently, but leave the events as they were. I had a lot of fun - I met some great people, I got married, had a beautiful child, got divorced and dated again and started it all over. Sometimes its sad to me to see that my life is not at all what I thought it would be when i walked across that stage the day i graduated. I'm not saying its bad, it's quite good, it's just different. I still have goals and aspirations and dreams just like I did back in 1991. The difference is then there seemed to be endless time in front of me to achieve everything I wanted. Now time doesn't seem so endless. It seems...shorter. It's like being a speeding train heading into a tunnel. You keep bracing yourself for the end but have no idea when that is. I want to have more fun, travel and do some things with my life before another 20 years pass and I look back and wonder what I did.
I want to figure out my life. I don't feel like anything is figured out right now and that makes the timing of this reunion so emotionally confusing.
I've been listening to The Avett Brothers almost non stop these days. I can't get enough of their insightful lyrics and talents on string instruments. They have a song called "Head full of doubt and Road full of promise". They've talked about this song as leaving your youth behind and moving into a time in life where you want to build something. I get that. Making something stick, making something feel substantial and real - like it'll last forever or for as long as you breathe and maybe after. "Road full of promise". that hits in a different place in my heart. I've had some tough years so I'm hopeful that the road ahead is exactly that - full of promise. I think I'll forge ahead and see where I end up. I just hope it's at the place I want to be.
Here are the lyrics in case you may want to know more. Listening to it is worth it because the vocal harmonies are perfect.
"Head Full Of Doubt / Road Full Of Promise"
There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what's wrong and what's right
And it comes in black and it comes in white
And I'm frightened by those that don't see it
When nothing is owed or deserved or expected
And your life doesn't change by the man that's elected
If you're loved by someone, you're never rejected
Decide what to be and go be it
There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out
There's a darkness upon you that's flooded in light
And in the fine print they tell you what's wrong and what's right
And it flies by day and it flies by night
And I'm frightened by those that don't see it
There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out
There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out
There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what's wrong and what's right
There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
And I'm frightened by those that don't see it
1991. I was excited that year. I was looking forward to College, reinventing myself and figuring out life. So senior year was - a joy and drudgery all at the same time. Such is high school. Friends were leaving for far away places. I think mostly I couldn't wait to get out and get on with it. I think about that girl often. Where did that girl go?
In a lot of ways I'm glad I'm not that young lady from Senior year. I had such a hard time in high school talking to people my age. I was very shy, and I didn't know how to be myself in front of everyone. I was able to be my outgoing self in front of a few close friends, but otherwise I was anxiety ridden about being laughed at or not understood if I said something. So I read a lot, and didn't speak much in class. I have a feeling a lot of people in my class figured I just didn't talk - which on a lot of days wasn't entirely inaccurate. I wanted to feel comfortable and outgoing and smiling but I had no idea how to do it. I couldn't wrap my mind around it. It was so odd for me to watch my sister go through high school. Here experience was SO different. She was very outgoing and had a ton of friends. She was involved in a bunch of stuff and had a lot of fun. I was glad for her.
College ended up being great for me - and a job in retail where you are forced to talk to strangers. Now I don't shut up.
20 years, 20 years, 20 years...that's all I can think about. I'm unsure if I want to go. There are people that might go that I"d love to see. At the very least it might be motivation for me to work out a bit more. Which is good cause all I've been doing is 'thinking' about working out. ugh.
I was talking to a close friend of mine about turning 40. We both vowed to have our shit figured out by then. We figured we haven't done it so far but hopefully by then we've got it or are at least on the right path. I look back on the past 20 years and I wouldn't change it persay, I'd improve it. I think if I could go back, I'd do some things differently, but leave the events as they were. I had a lot of fun - I met some great people, I got married, had a beautiful child, got divorced and dated again and started it all over. Sometimes its sad to me to see that my life is not at all what I thought it would be when i walked across that stage the day i graduated. I'm not saying its bad, it's quite good, it's just different. I still have goals and aspirations and dreams just like I did back in 1991. The difference is then there seemed to be endless time in front of me to achieve everything I wanted. Now time doesn't seem so endless. It seems...shorter. It's like being a speeding train heading into a tunnel. You keep bracing yourself for the end but have no idea when that is. I want to have more fun, travel and do some things with my life before another 20 years pass and I look back and wonder what I did.
I want to figure out my life. I don't feel like anything is figured out right now and that makes the timing of this reunion so emotionally confusing.
I've been listening to The Avett Brothers almost non stop these days. I can't get enough of their insightful lyrics and talents on string instruments. They have a song called "Head full of doubt and Road full of promise". They've talked about this song as leaving your youth behind and moving into a time in life where you want to build something. I get that. Making something stick, making something feel substantial and real - like it'll last forever or for as long as you breathe and maybe after. "Road full of promise". that hits in a different place in my heart. I've had some tough years so I'm hopeful that the road ahead is exactly that - full of promise. I think I'll forge ahead and see where I end up. I just hope it's at the place I want to be.
Here are the lyrics in case you may want to know more. Listening to it is worth it because the vocal harmonies are perfect.
"Head Full Of Doubt / Road Full Of Promise"
There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what's wrong and what's right
And it comes in black and it comes in white
And I'm frightened by those that don't see it
When nothing is owed or deserved or expected
And your life doesn't change by the man that's elected
If you're loved by someone, you're never rejected
Decide what to be and go be it
There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out
There's a darkness upon you that's flooded in light
And in the fine print they tell you what's wrong and what's right
And it flies by day and it flies by night
And I'm frightened by those that don't see it
There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out
There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out
There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what's wrong and what's right
There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
And I'm frightened by those that don't see it
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Commercials or mind control?
My peanut is sick. A fever, a cough and a sore throat. Not funny or fun. So it was my turn to stay home. I have to admit, when your child is sick, it's almost ok because when they are sick they're actually willing to sit in your lap, hug you and cuddle. She was all over me saying she loved me, she missed me and that I'm awesome. I'd like to bottle those words and behavior so when she's 17, hates me, and says "You're ruining my life!!" I can open that bottle and breathe deeply.
While hanging at home, in pj's, watching cartoons, I've noticed a couple things that are disturbing. The first one is why the fuck is Montell Williams hawking a payday loan site on the Sprout Network?? A KIDS CHANNEL?? Now I realize that raising a child is tough, financially as well as mentally. No one knows that better than me. I've fallen prey to the payday loan trap myself - a hole that I've been digging out of for months. But it hits my moral compass - one shouldn't be sold a scam while watching Kipper on Sprout. Basically he's telling parents, "NO worries, don't have that money for car repair? Call us and you'll have it tomorrow!" I've never been compelled to write a tv network, but I"m close. I think its wrong to show parents and children that you don't have to spend wisely and save, you can just do whatever you want with no consequences. That's appalling. It's on every 5 minutes, and my peanut has started repeating the lines. Which is odd to hear your child say, "Need cash? Short till payday?"
The bigger disturbing item is what Disney is currently doing to my emotions. I've never been to Disney and have always wanted to go. (My sister feels the same.) Abby is going to Disney in the Spring with her dad and his girlfriend. I'm totally cool with that. They will have a blast, and Abby will be amazed by everything. I'm happy for her -she's going to love it, and have a wonderful time.
but then the evil, petty, jealous bitch voice in the back of my head watches these sappy Disney commercials and goes, "well (said snidely) isn't THAT nice!" and then she starts saying obnoxious things to my logical brain. That's SOOO not me. The two commercials are as follows:
Picture the new Disney cruise ship, replete with splendour, sparkles, magic and of course mickey mouse. Everyone is having the time of their lives and nothing could be better. It's a "Don't you want to make dreams come true?" kind of commercial. So of course it makes one feel like a complete asshole. I sit on my couch going "wow, I'm a dream killer now." Nothing boosts mom confidence more than feeling like a dream killer.
The second one is the one that is completely making me mental. Actual videos shot by parents telling their kids they're going to Disney and seeing the kids reaction. It's fucking with my emotions. I see that and all I can picture is the peanut and how I won't get to do that. At least not right now. See I'm mostly logical - I know that I will get that chance, and I guess on some deep level I'm jealous. But i usually suppress that because it's not worth it. I always put peanuts best interests first, and I try not to fall prey to petty behavior and thought. It's so easy to let stuff like that take root and ruin your decisions and blurr your vision of what is right. Like I said, I'm so excited for her and she's going to have such a great time. I'm just pissed that Disney is fucking with me like this. Lol Suck it Disney.
While hanging at home, in pj's, watching cartoons, I've noticed a couple things that are disturbing. The first one is why the fuck is Montell Williams hawking a payday loan site on the Sprout Network?? A KIDS CHANNEL?? Now I realize that raising a child is tough, financially as well as mentally. No one knows that better than me. I've fallen prey to the payday loan trap myself - a hole that I've been digging out of for months. But it hits my moral compass - one shouldn't be sold a scam while watching Kipper on Sprout. Basically he's telling parents, "NO worries, don't have that money for car repair? Call us and you'll have it tomorrow!" I've never been compelled to write a tv network, but I"m close. I think its wrong to show parents and children that you don't have to spend wisely and save, you can just do whatever you want with no consequences. That's appalling. It's on every 5 minutes, and my peanut has started repeating the lines. Which is odd to hear your child say, "Need cash? Short till payday?"
The bigger disturbing item is what Disney is currently doing to my emotions. I've never been to Disney and have always wanted to go. (My sister feels the same.) Abby is going to Disney in the Spring with her dad and his girlfriend. I'm totally cool with that. They will have a blast, and Abby will be amazed by everything. I'm happy for her -she's going to love it, and have a wonderful time.
but then the evil, petty, jealous bitch voice in the back of my head watches these sappy Disney commercials and goes, "well (said snidely) isn't THAT nice!" and then she starts saying obnoxious things to my logical brain. That's SOOO not me. The two commercials are as follows:
Picture the new Disney cruise ship, replete with splendour, sparkles, magic and of course mickey mouse. Everyone is having the time of their lives and nothing could be better. It's a "Don't you want to make dreams come true?" kind of commercial. So of course it makes one feel like a complete asshole. I sit on my couch going "wow, I'm a dream killer now." Nothing boosts mom confidence more than feeling like a dream killer.
The second one is the one that is completely making me mental. Actual videos shot by parents telling their kids they're going to Disney and seeing the kids reaction. It's fucking with my emotions. I see that and all I can picture is the peanut and how I won't get to do that. At least not right now. See I'm mostly logical - I know that I will get that chance, and I guess on some deep level I'm jealous. But i usually suppress that because it's not worth it. I always put peanuts best interests first, and I try not to fall prey to petty behavior and thought. It's so easy to let stuff like that take root and ruin your decisions and blurr your vision of what is right. Like I said, I'm so excited for her and she's going to have such a great time. I'm just pissed that Disney is fucking with me like this. Lol Suck it Disney.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
How sick are you? Really?
I'm feelin' irritated. Typically I'm a low key relaxed person. Most everything rolls off my back. My mother once marveled at the fact that I could be so relaxed. I think she felt that something was wrong with me. lol
But here and there things piss me off and make me irritated. I usually talk it out with friends, and move on. On the rare occasion I get really angry - it ain't pretty. Most people run for cover and look at me like I have two heads. I can count on my hand the times in my life where I've been that mad.
Right now I'm just irritated. possibly disgusted. I don't understand people who don't regard work as a privledge. No one HAS to give you a job and keep you there. They could fire you and throw all your collectible batman figurines out in the parking lot.
My work ethic has several layers, but the main one is - GO TO WORK. I only stay out if I"m sick. I don't mean fake sick *cough,cough* I'm at the beach with a beer sick, I mean holding onto the toilet, I feel like I"m going to die right here in the bathroom sick. It baffles me the number of people that I work with who seem to feel that calling out of work for ANY reason is ok. God, I must seem like such an idiot to people. I actually give a shit about my coworkers and how my calling out will effect the team!! Am I outdated? Is there some set of new work rules in place that I've not been made a aware of?
We all go through things - tough times, sheer exhaustion, etc. but at the end of the day, someone, albeit high up the food chain, is asking YOU to do a JOB for MONEY. You have an obligation to that person/company to show up and WORK. This does not mean show up and text all day long - this does not mean multiple personal phone calls followed by aimless wandering of the halls of your employer. It means you DO something. Preferably something productive. Something that has a means to an end.
Now this is not everyone of course. The majority of people I work with are hard workers and diligent, smart people with goals and aspirations. Its those that have little regard for the whole that frustrate me. You are not entitled to a job. Do you know how many people are out of work? You are replacable at a moments notice. Do you know what its like to not receive a paycheck? For some it will happen and it will be the harshest blow - because it is likely they will never look at themselves as the problem. It will always be someone elses fault for why they failed to achieve what they thought they were entitled to.
I don't want people to be perfect. I just want people to show the fuck up. Get your ass out of bed and SHOW UP. I have plenty of days where I"m "too tired" or my stomach hurts or whatever. I still SHOW UP, and sometimes, imagine this - I WORK LATE.
I'm not saying I"m perfect. There are days where I feel sluggish, unproductive and even wander a bit. I make mistakes and I sometimes forget things. It happens. But I care about my job and who I work for. I must be crazy.
Ok so work venting is over. I feel a bit better. Still slightly ornery but not to bad...on to grammar school venting....
I found out more info. about school for the peanut. I love that the concept of half day kindergarten is exactly that - a concept. a fucking pipe dream in my book. In what way does 2hrs and 50 minutes constitute HALF DAY K??? LOL I honestly laughed out loud when I read that. Thousands of parents work 8-10 hours a day! and most of us have had our kids in full day preschool or daycare since they were babies. By the time kindergarten comes around they are Sooo ready for it! It's almost an injustice that every town doesn't offer it. I know the old argument - resources, lack of resources, money, resources..blah,blah. It would be such a benefit to parents, kids and the local economy I would think. I'm well aware however that school budgets these days are being cut back farther and farther from what they once were. I just wish "half day" actually MEANT that.
There is one school who does extended day - 8am to 12noon. That is just about as close to half day as one can get. So there is still a lot of questions about before school care, after school care, which school, etc. Tours of each school will be needed for sure. So much planning...
So it goes. I've been listening to The Avett Brothers alot. LOVE them. There is a line in one of their songs that goes "Decide what to be and go be it." That keeps running through my head. Decisions. Making them and sticking to them, moving forward to achieve what you decided to do. Not sure how to apply it to my life, but I'm working on it. See what I just said there? Man I'm funny.
One last detail, I just recently downloaded Anthony Bourdain's new book. He is irreverent and insanely smart; not to mention an old school punk with a deep love for food. His books are soooo entertaining. Check them out please! You won't be disappointed.
Oh one more final, final detail - so the other night I watched a french movie. Yes, actually in french with english subtitles. It was amazing. It's called "A Very Long Engagement" with Audrey Tautou. It is a mystery but a love story and a history lesson. It is the year 1919 and Mathilde was 19. two years earlier her fiance' left for the front lines at Somme. he was said to be killed on the field of battle. She refuses to believe it. She clings to this belief, and tracks the truth. There are flashbacks to the battlefield, stories told from different perspectives and the way the film was shot was beautiful. Anyway, I watched it on TV, but had missed the beginning. I couldn't stop thinking about it. So i went to Amazon and bought it. I know, who buys dvd's anymore..well, me. lol Then i got the directors prior film "Amelie" which is supposed to also be epicly great. They came in the mail today. I think, tomorrow, when it's snowing out, this is what I'll be watching.
After work of course.
But here and there things piss me off and make me irritated. I usually talk it out with friends, and move on. On the rare occasion I get really angry - it ain't pretty. Most people run for cover and look at me like I have two heads. I can count on my hand the times in my life where I've been that mad.
Right now I'm just irritated. possibly disgusted. I don't understand people who don't regard work as a privledge. No one HAS to give you a job and keep you there. They could fire you and throw all your collectible batman figurines out in the parking lot.
My work ethic has several layers, but the main one is - GO TO WORK. I only stay out if I"m sick. I don't mean fake sick *cough,cough* I'm at the beach with a beer sick, I mean holding onto the toilet, I feel like I"m going to die right here in the bathroom sick. It baffles me the number of people that I work with who seem to feel that calling out of work for ANY reason is ok. God, I must seem like such an idiot to people. I actually give a shit about my coworkers and how my calling out will effect the team!! Am I outdated? Is there some set of new work rules in place that I've not been made a aware of?
We all go through things - tough times, sheer exhaustion, etc. but at the end of the day, someone, albeit high up the food chain, is asking YOU to do a JOB for MONEY. You have an obligation to that person/company to show up and WORK. This does not mean show up and text all day long - this does not mean multiple personal phone calls followed by aimless wandering of the halls of your employer. It means you DO something. Preferably something productive. Something that has a means to an end.
Now this is not everyone of course. The majority of people I work with are hard workers and diligent, smart people with goals and aspirations. Its those that have little regard for the whole that frustrate me. You are not entitled to a job. Do you know how many people are out of work? You are replacable at a moments notice. Do you know what its like to not receive a paycheck? For some it will happen and it will be the harshest blow - because it is likely they will never look at themselves as the problem. It will always be someone elses fault for why they failed to achieve what they thought they were entitled to.
I don't want people to be perfect. I just want people to show the fuck up. Get your ass out of bed and SHOW UP. I have plenty of days where I"m "too tired" or my stomach hurts or whatever. I still SHOW UP, and sometimes, imagine this - I WORK LATE.
I'm not saying I"m perfect. There are days where I feel sluggish, unproductive and even wander a bit. I make mistakes and I sometimes forget things. It happens. But I care about my job and who I work for. I must be crazy.
Ok so work venting is over. I feel a bit better. Still slightly ornery but not to bad...on to grammar school venting....
I found out more info. about school for the peanut. I love that the concept of half day kindergarten is exactly that - a concept. a fucking pipe dream in my book. In what way does 2hrs and 50 minutes constitute HALF DAY K??? LOL I honestly laughed out loud when I read that. Thousands of parents work 8-10 hours a day! and most of us have had our kids in full day preschool or daycare since they were babies. By the time kindergarten comes around they are Sooo ready for it! It's almost an injustice that every town doesn't offer it. I know the old argument - resources, lack of resources, money, resources..blah,blah. It would be such a benefit to parents, kids and the local economy I would think. I'm well aware however that school budgets these days are being cut back farther and farther from what they once were. I just wish "half day" actually MEANT that.
There is one school who does extended day - 8am to 12noon. That is just about as close to half day as one can get. So there is still a lot of questions about before school care, after school care, which school, etc. Tours of each school will be needed for sure. So much planning...
So it goes. I've been listening to The Avett Brothers alot. LOVE them. There is a line in one of their songs that goes "Decide what to be and go be it." That keeps running through my head. Decisions. Making them and sticking to them, moving forward to achieve what you decided to do. Not sure how to apply it to my life, but I'm working on it. See what I just said there? Man I'm funny.
One last detail, I just recently downloaded Anthony Bourdain's new book. He is irreverent and insanely smart; not to mention an old school punk with a deep love for food. His books are soooo entertaining. Check them out please! You won't be disappointed.
Oh one more final, final detail - so the other night I watched a french movie. Yes, actually in french with english subtitles. It was amazing. It's called "A Very Long Engagement" with Audrey Tautou. It is a mystery but a love story and a history lesson. It is the year 1919 and Mathilde was 19. two years earlier her fiance' left for the front lines at Somme. he was said to be killed on the field of battle. She refuses to believe it. She clings to this belief, and tracks the truth. There are flashbacks to the battlefield, stories told from different perspectives and the way the film was shot was beautiful. Anyway, I watched it on TV, but had missed the beginning. I couldn't stop thinking about it. So i went to Amazon and bought it. I know, who buys dvd's anymore..well, me. lol Then i got the directors prior film "Amelie" which is supposed to also be epicly great. They came in the mail today. I think, tomorrow, when it's snowing out, this is what I'll be watching.
After work of course.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Resolute to not making a resolution
So here we are its 2011 and by the last post, I haven't written anything since October 19th. Back in October I was on a roll and then slowly got bogged down by life,work,exhaustion. November and December flew by with dinners and happy hours, shopping and general madness that the holidays seem to bring. Now, as always, it's reflection time. But before we get to that I'll bring you up to speed. (I know you're nail biting it right now.)
This year the holidays were sort of relaxed for me. I started my shopping early and got things done on time which is normally not my style. I'm the consummate procrastinator so normally I leave it all for last minute. Financially things have been much better so I was able to breathe and spend wisely and feel generous all at the same time. I haven't felt that way in a long while. I got a larger less shitty fake tree for christmas. Last years was a true Charlie Brown tree - complete with lean. This one was 7.5 feet of Douglas Fur likeness. Much better. My little peanut had a fabulous christmas complete with things she didn't know she wanted or needed, and of course was bored within 10 minutes after everything was unwrapped. But my sis was home with her dog, and it's always good to see her. She makes me happy. My sister I mean. lol
The other news I would guess would be that we now have a cat. Henry. He needed a home and I wanted a pet. He's great. Black and white, a year old, and loves to play but also is content to lay around and lounge. That's my kind of pet. So before he came home I went shopping and dropped $200 on cat supplies - food, litter, toys, bed, food bowls, mat for the floor, etc. Well worth it. He's happy here. He showed up and immediately made it clear that everything here is now his, including me. Which is fine. I don't necessarily mind being owned by a cat. My peanut loves him; he seems to love her but also knows when its best to run far and hide. Sometimes under the bed is the only place for peace.
With all that done, I'm looking ahead. During the Fall I tried and have been trying really hard not to do that whole look to far ahead thing. I've been trying to be present and enjoy today. But, with kindergarten looming that's hard to do. Wanting a home makes it hard to just "be present". There's planning involved with both of those things. Lots.of.planning. 2011 is being rung in by reflective me. I started looking at condos, and little houses (I should mention here that it was quite tough for me to not say "little pink houses") and realized my current saving style is not working. I need to be slightly more aggressive if I want to have something to put down on a house. The fact that I'm not treading water is good for a change - I can actually imagine saving instead of having nightmares about how far overdrawn my bank account is. But right along side this home dream is the peanut. She turns 5 in April. The registration for schools here is in late spring I think, if not earlier, and then what if I'm not living here? That's a whole nother ball of wax. I could be living in some other town. I get my new lease in May, and I don't know that I want to keep living here. So you see, one thing is predicated on another. I haven't even begun to grasp the actual concept that shes going to start school - can't even GO there...but I also can't be an ostrich. I have to start deciding where we are going to be. Saving. It's such a nebulous concept. We all have to do it - for college funds, for homes, for retirement, for travel, etc. How does one do all that saving when there are bills to pay? Granted I have less bills these days but still...they don't all disappear. On the other side of all this home and school "planning" is my relationship with The Dork. I don't know where things are headed. I hate not knowing. As I've stated in past posts, I don't wait well. Things are good, but...isn't there always a "but"? I want more than what I have. I'm not being selfish, or asking for to much; that much I know for sure. He makes me happy, I make him happy, we laugh, we talk...you know. The usual stuff...but there are things that concern me. I know his idea of the future is further away than mine. He wants to build a house. His work dictates his time lines so he may be years away from that house who knows. I want one right now. He wants to build in the sticks - sticks of where? MA? CT? I know this has always been his plan even before we met. But at the same time, where am I in his future? We've been together for over a year now, and he hasn't told me he loves me; he hasn't said that we are building a future together. He talks in terms of, "What would you say if I bought x for the house? You'd freak out right?" Which makes me think, "So, does that mean I'm part of the future or no?" I just don't know sometimes. His work is everything. Until that changes - nothing else will and I won't know what kind of man he truly is until that solves itself. The question is and has been - How long can I wait? Unfortunately I don't have an answer for that. So I stay, attempt to be present and enjoy what is in front of me. I still have that wanting to run and wanting to stay still feeling. I think about things and get nowhere. I feel like that clip that Howard Stern always plays on his show from the 3 Stooges "I try to think but nuthin' happens!!" That is about how I feel.
With 2011 just begun, I'm trying not to do any "New Years Resolutions". You end up setting yourself up for failure. Any plan you have needs to be realistic, and reachable. Otherwise you are beating yourself up before you've even begun....and who wants to start the year feeling like a complete loser? We have Valentine's Day for that. So for now, bask in the after holiday glow of feeling like a winner. It only lasts for a short time.
This year the holidays were sort of relaxed for me. I started my shopping early and got things done on time which is normally not my style. I'm the consummate procrastinator so normally I leave it all for last minute. Financially things have been much better so I was able to breathe and spend wisely and feel generous all at the same time. I haven't felt that way in a long while. I got a larger less shitty fake tree for christmas. Last years was a true Charlie Brown tree - complete with lean. This one was 7.5 feet of Douglas Fur likeness. Much better. My little peanut had a fabulous christmas complete with things she didn't know she wanted or needed, and of course was bored within 10 minutes after everything was unwrapped. But my sis was home with her dog, and it's always good to see her. She makes me happy. My sister I mean. lol
The other news I would guess would be that we now have a cat. Henry. He needed a home and I wanted a pet. He's great. Black and white, a year old, and loves to play but also is content to lay around and lounge. That's my kind of pet. So before he came home I went shopping and dropped $200 on cat supplies - food, litter, toys, bed, food bowls, mat for the floor, etc. Well worth it. He's happy here. He showed up and immediately made it clear that everything here is now his, including me. Which is fine. I don't necessarily mind being owned by a cat. My peanut loves him; he seems to love her but also knows when its best to run far and hide. Sometimes under the bed is the only place for peace.
With all that done, I'm looking ahead. During the Fall I tried and have been trying really hard not to do that whole look to far ahead thing. I've been trying to be present and enjoy today. But, with kindergarten looming that's hard to do. Wanting a home makes it hard to just "be present". There's planning involved with both of those things. Lots.of.planning. 2011 is being rung in by reflective me. I started looking at condos, and little houses (I should mention here that it was quite tough for me to not say "little pink houses") and realized my current saving style is not working. I need to be slightly more aggressive if I want to have something to put down on a house. The fact that I'm not treading water is good for a change - I can actually imagine saving instead of having nightmares about how far overdrawn my bank account is. But right along side this home dream is the peanut. She turns 5 in April. The registration for schools here is in late spring I think, if not earlier, and then what if I'm not living here? That's a whole nother ball of wax. I could be living in some other town. I get my new lease in May, and I don't know that I want to keep living here. So you see, one thing is predicated on another. I haven't even begun to grasp the actual concept that shes going to start school - can't even GO there...but I also can't be an ostrich. I have to start deciding where we are going to be. Saving. It's such a nebulous concept. We all have to do it - for college funds, for homes, for retirement, for travel, etc. How does one do all that saving when there are bills to pay? Granted I have less bills these days but still...they don't all disappear. On the other side of all this home and school "planning" is my relationship with The Dork. I don't know where things are headed. I hate not knowing. As I've stated in past posts, I don't wait well. Things are good, but...isn't there always a "but"? I want more than what I have. I'm not being selfish, or asking for to much; that much I know for sure. He makes me happy, I make him happy, we laugh, we talk...you know. The usual stuff...but there are things that concern me. I know his idea of the future is further away than mine. He wants to build a house. His work dictates his time lines so he may be years away from that house who knows. I want one right now. He wants to build in the sticks - sticks of where? MA? CT? I know this has always been his plan even before we met. But at the same time, where am I in his future? We've been together for over a year now, and he hasn't told me he loves me; he hasn't said that we are building a future together. He talks in terms of, "What would you say if I bought x for the house? You'd freak out right?" Which makes me think, "So, does that mean I'm part of the future or no?" I just don't know sometimes. His work is everything. Until that changes - nothing else will and I won't know what kind of man he truly is until that solves itself. The question is and has been - How long can I wait? Unfortunately I don't have an answer for that. So I stay, attempt to be present and enjoy what is in front of me. I still have that wanting to run and wanting to stay still feeling. I think about things and get nowhere. I feel like that clip that Howard Stern always plays on his show from the 3 Stooges "I try to think but nuthin' happens!!" That is about how I feel.
With 2011 just begun, I'm trying not to do any "New Years Resolutions". You end up setting yourself up for failure. Any plan you have needs to be realistic, and reachable. Otherwise you are beating yourself up before you've even begun....and who wants to start the year feeling like a complete loser? We have Valentine's Day for that. So for now, bask in the after holiday glow of feeling like a winner. It only lasts for a short time.
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