Resolute to not making a resolution

So here we are its 2011 and by the last post, I haven't written anything since October 19th. Back in October I was on a roll and then slowly got bogged down by life,work,exhaustion. November and December flew by with dinners and happy hours, shopping and general madness that the holidays seem to bring. Now, as always, it's reflection time. But before we get to that I'll bring you up to speed. (I know you're nail biting it right now.)
This year the holidays were sort of relaxed for me. I started my shopping early and got things done on time which is normally not my style. I'm the consummate procrastinator so normally I leave it all for last minute. Financially things have been much better so I was able to breathe and spend wisely and feel generous all at the same time. I haven't felt that way in a long while. I got a larger less shitty fake tree for christmas. Last years was a true Charlie Brown tree - complete with lean. This one was 7.5 feet of Douglas Fur likeness. Much better. My little peanut had a fabulous christmas complete with things she didn't know she wanted or needed, and of course was bored within 10 minutes after everything was unwrapped. But my sis was home with her dog, and it's always good to see her. She makes me happy. My sister I mean. lol

The other news I would guess would be that we now have a cat. Henry. He needed a home and I wanted a pet. He's great. Black and white, a year old, and loves to play but also is content to lay around and lounge. That's my kind of pet. So before he came home I went shopping and dropped $200 on cat supplies - food, litter, toys, bed, food bowls, mat for the floor, etc. Well worth it. He's happy here. He showed up and immediately made it clear that everything here is now his, including me. Which is fine. I don't necessarily mind being owned by a cat. My peanut loves him; he seems to love her but also knows when its best to run far and hide. Sometimes under the bed is the only place for peace.

With all that done, I'm looking ahead. During the Fall I tried and have been trying really hard not to do that whole look to far ahead thing. I've been trying to be present and enjoy today. But, with kindergarten looming that's hard to do. Wanting a home makes it hard to just "be present". There's planning involved with both of those things. Lots.of.planning. 2011 is being rung in by reflective me. I started looking at condos, and little houses (I should mention here that it was quite tough for me to not say "little pink houses") and realized my current saving style is not working. I need to be slightly more aggressive if I want to have something to put down on a house. The fact that I'm not treading water is good for a change - I can actually imagine saving instead of having nightmares about how far overdrawn my bank account is. But right along side this home dream is the peanut. She turns 5 in April. The registration for schools here is in late spring I think, if not earlier, and then what if I'm not living here? That's a whole nother ball of wax. I could be living in some other town. I get my new lease in May, and I don't know that I want to keep living here. So you see, one thing is predicated on another. I haven't even begun to grasp the actual concept that shes going to start school - can't even GO there...but I also can't be an ostrich. I have to start deciding where we are going to be. Saving. It's such a nebulous concept. We all have to do it - for college funds, for homes, for retirement, for travel, etc. How does one do all that saving when there are bills to pay? Granted I have less bills these days but still...they don't all disappear. On the other side of all this home and school "planning" is my relationship with The Dork. I don't know where things are headed. I hate not knowing. As I've stated in past posts, I don't wait well. Things are good, but...isn't there always a "but"? I want more than what I have. I'm not being selfish, or asking for to much; that much I know for sure. He makes me happy, I make him happy, we laugh, we talk...you know. The usual stuff...but there are things that concern me. I know his idea of the future is further away than mine. He wants to build a house. His work dictates his time lines so he may be years away from that house who knows. I want one right now. He wants to build in the sticks - sticks of where? MA? CT? I know this has always been his plan even before we met. But at the same time, where am I in his future? We've been together for over a year now, and he hasn't told me he loves me; he hasn't said that we are building a future together. He talks in terms of, "What would you say if I bought x for the house? You'd freak out right?" Which makes me think, "So, does that mean I'm part of the future or no?" I just don't know sometimes. His work is everything. Until that changes - nothing else will and I won't know what kind of man he truly is until that solves itself. The question is and has been - How long can I wait? Unfortunately I don't have an answer for that. So I stay, attempt to be present and enjoy what is in front of me. I still have that wanting to run and wanting to stay still feeling. I think about things and get nowhere. I feel like that clip that Howard Stern always plays on his show from the 3 Stooges "I try to think but nuthin' happens!!" That is about how I feel.
With 2011 just begun, I'm trying not to do any "New Years Resolutions". You end up setting yourself up for failure. Any plan you have needs to be realistic, and reachable. Otherwise you are beating yourself up before you've even begun....and who wants to start the year feeling like a complete loser? We have Valentine's Day for that. So for now, bask in the after holiday glow of feeling like a winner. It only lasts for a short time.