Just a few things

Not really sure how to sum up the past 7 months. Let's see...highlights - joined a gym. Started eating healthy, went to two wakes, lost 12 pounds, car died, bought new car, fell off the wagon and starting eating poorly, and here I sit with a sinus infection. I'm always amazed how when looking at life you can sum it up in single words. Drill it down to pin pricks. So what to discuss...the wakes. I have to talk about it because it was painful. All within the span of a couple weeks. My ex husbands Aunt. A cancer survivor and battler. Cancer is such a scourge upon the people we know and love. Its similar to termites in my mind. You can eradicate them, and they might be gone, but if you miss some, they remultiply and tear through everything that matters to you. She was a sweet woman, and when my ex and I had first got engaged,she went out of her way to show how happy she was for us. When our daughter was born she had tears of joy while holding our little one. One day in March I think, I realized that she was more ill than I had thought. I was debating back and forth about going to see her. Was it still my place? Should I go? Yes I should go...and the back and forth in my mind. I finally decided if I didn't see her and say goodbye I'd regret it. So I went. I sucked it up and went. It was like I wasn't seeing her at all. I was seeing someone else. She was swallowed up by the bed, sinking into the blankets. She could barely speak. I got really close, kissed her forehead, told her I loved her, and that I was sorry for not seeing her sooner. She told me she loved me, and was glad I was there. I could barely hear her. It was a low whisper. You could tell the words were hard to get out. It wasn't long after that visit that she passed. I knew it. I think even harder than saying goodbye, was seeing her mother stand in the kitchen and cry. Then look at me and go "It isn't good is it?" What do you say? How do you tell a mother her child is about to die? A mother never loses hope that her child will live and thrive. A mother is not supposed to see her child go before her. Doesn't matter how young or old. So I hugged her. What else is there to do? The wake was terrible as are most wakes. All I could try and remember is that she is at peace. You know just because you get divorced, and are no longer a couple, it doesn't mean you forget all the people you spent 10 years of your life with. So I said goodbye. Then the worst part. 3 weeks later I think? her son died. He had battled drugs for years, and was not able to overcome those demons. Many of us think his mother took him - she worked so hard to try to help her son - all she wanted was for him to be sober - and I think the only way she knew that could be was for him to be with her. So it was painful to say goodbye to someone so young. So I saw my ex's grandmother again. So strong- but again how she had to say good bye to her daughter and grandchild..not right. To much death all at once. So all this death always makes one reevaluate life. So you start looking at where your going, what are your goals...and I was doing well with the working out and eating well. Proud of myself for losing 12 pounds! Such a big deal for me. I haven't lost any weight in years. and I've been loving the gym I'm going to. My trainer is supportive, and yet gets on my ass to keep moving. Then my car thing, and my dad went in the hospital for a week, and I just started to emotional eat again. and still work out. But it's a spiral. and the voices start coming in. You can't do this. You've never been able to do this. You don't know how to be committed. You can't overcome who you are. Just accept that you'll never be fit. Just give up. Then, another voice moves in. My mother. Since I began this exercise plan, I get the critical. I get the occassional word of support, but overall, it's "Can you eat that?" "When's the last time you went to the gym?" "You don't seem to be following the plan." "I don't think you can eat that." It's funny how tone can change everything. I know her intentions are good, but I don't need that from her. I need positive support. I don't need to be criticized cause I do it to myself enough. I don't need to be looked up and down. I mean I have to look in the mirror at myself. Doesn't matter how sexy I might feel, or how much I love my curves, I can see the areas that I don't like. I don't have a tight stomach. It's soft. lol. There is a roll or two in places i wasn't sure could roll. So believe me I cast that critical eye better than anyone. But I also have high self esteem. I believe in myself. I know how strong I am. I believe I'll get to where I want to be even if it takes me forever. I do love myself and all my flaws. Have you ever run your hands over your body? Have you ever touched your skin? Like really touched your skin from face to toe? I have. I have a favorite spot. When I lay on my side, or on my back,I run my hand down my side to a spot right by my hip bone. It's a curve, a little hill, a place to rest. Appreciate the skin you're in cause it's all you have. I've learned to love the parts that give me the most frustration. But I'm a work in progress. I'm ready to get back on track. To get back on plan. I have to push the voices aside. Push them away. Make them silent. Call them what they are - FEAR. SELF DOUBT. So, it begins again. So to back up a little, in June my peanut graduated from Kindergarten. How did that happen? How did my child turn 6? How did we reach this stage? I rocked her to sleep, I remember the day she was born and placed on my chest. There I was, sitting in the gym watching her smile and walk to the bleachers. She had a reading part. So to all these parents, and teachers and other kids, she had to welcome us all to the graduation. She smiled, she read perfectly, and I cried. I cried that she was so brave and so grown up in this little body. It was amazing. It also made me realize that not being overprotective, and letting her fly has been the right choice. Helping her believe in herself. So, first grade in the fall. Craziness. She is nervous, and worried. I have a little thinker on my hands. Trying to help her not think right now and just have fun. Summer is meant to be full of fun. There is some fun ahead for me. Boston in a couple weeks with a best friend, Northampton with another best friend in August, then Springsteen in September!! Oh I cannot wait for that. Taking my sister as a gift, and might be turning it into a whole weekend with great friends. Who knows what else lies ahead for the fall. As for the dating landscape...oh that's a whole nother blog entry. lol We'll see how much energy I have for that one.

Open up the windows

I think last January I had basically given a straight up fuck you to resolutions. Swore that it only promotes failure as opposed to success. I still agree with that. However 2012 has ushered in some interesting things to contemplate.
Work is going well - busy though. Of course it's always fun to start a new year with a company wide announcement of staff cuts. Nothing makes the employees happier. My company has many offices in the US and Europe. Europe is being hit worse apparently, but that is no solace to those of us who spent most of November and December working saturdays and doing weekly overtime to make sure production goals were met. Oh and did I mention the salary freeze? Yea that was another kind gesture from executive leadership. Cost of living increases, and our pay does not. I'm trying very hard to not complain - I know I am one of the lucky ones to have a job. Trust me I value it immensely. I do not take for granted the fact that my life would be very different right now if I was not working. But I think the thing that makes those announcements difficult is the tone in which they were delivered. There was a joke or two. Laughter even. Seemed...grossly inappropriate in my eyes. Like many of my coworkers, we are calculating car payments, rent, mortgages in our heads while executive leaders discuss bonus structures behind closed doors. As a single mom, living in an apartment with her child, laughter was not on the top of my list of things I wanted to hear after those announcements. It became clear to me after that call, that no one is safe and comfortable, and a plan needs to be put in place. I have to prepare for future possibilities. That's scary. I love my job. I love where I am - while part of it is in my control - type of job i do, performance, etc - the decision for me to stay or go is not up to me. So I must take care of me and ultimately my peanut. I hope the plan I come up with I never have to use.
In the middle of all these changes, I met someone. Not just anyone. But a man who made me feel something in my core that I forgot existed. I'm sure unless you are living in a cave you have heard of the show The Bachelor. It is guilty terrible tv watching for me. I know this. I watch it anyway and enjoy the train wrecks. I always felt that it seemed so crazy that these women could fall for a man they barely know, and claim to love him or have a deep connection. Until it happened to me. The man I met, I fell for hard and fast. I've figured out that what it was is this - he showed me everything I wanted. I'd been spending months if not years telling myself that I could either live with less, or that I wasn't going to find that. He opened up a window and basically said, look outside it's all right there. Then just as fast as he offered it, he took it back. All of it. Told me he could not give me what I needed - he needs to work on himself. I won't give out all those details here, but I will say he has a history of mistrust, for good reason, and goals that he wants to achieve. He wants to figure out how to love himself in a way he did 8 or 9 year ago. I wish he could balance those goals with a relationship but he can't. So while we have that deep connection, and a million things in common, and a intimate compatibility, we can not be. We let each other go, we got back together, we let each other go, we got back together - 3 times if I recall right, and I've never been a big fan of rollercoasters. I can honestly say that seeing him go, was more pain than I've felt in a very, very long time. A gut wrenching tear filled mess. To my friends who care for me, I know that somewhere in their minds they are thinking I'm nuts, and that it can't be possible to feel that intensely about another person in only a matter of weeks. I propose this question - What if it is possible? What of love at first site? It has happened to many people and lifetimes have been built on those emotions. I am the first to admit I did not believe it to be something that would ever happen to me. It did.
We both said we would leave each other alone. He truly needs to work on himself. I know it's not bullshit and he isn't hiding another person in the wings - I know his history - he would never be that man. He just is a work in progress and I showed up at a time when he can't give me the type of relationship I want. Unfortunate to say the least. He did however remind me of some things that I think i forgot. One of my friends said to me months ago "Don't you want to be worth waiting for?" and I didn't truly get what she meant until now. While I value who I am, and I believe that I'm a good person with much to offer, I need to stop selling myself. Stop dating websites, stop all the nonsense used to detract from fixing myself in a real way. It's always easy to do the things you want and ignore the hard stuff.
I'm awesome, and worth every bit of another man's time. But I need to let whoever he is - find me. I can't make myself a commodity, a product worth buying. I'm better than that. I have a good life, and I need to find satisfaction in just living with myself. He reminded me that these are worth while goals to strive for. He did show me everything I deserve. He made me yearn again for true companionship and comfort. I have not felt that sort of yearning since I dated my ex-husband...a long time ago. While all this is painful and I'm sad, I also know it is the way it has to be and I'm trying very hard to embrace it. I'm fighting with myself constantly about reaching out to him and talking to him but I know I can't. I can't go back to "I want you" "I can't do this" again. It's draining and it hurts. So the self imposed dating break is on. He inadvertently reminded me that what I want is not going to show up because I'm searching. It will show up when I have truly let go of the chase. I'm not saying I'm shutting myself off to meeting someone down the road, but I'm not going to look for it. I'm not going to troll the internet for it, I'm going to just live. Enjoy my daughter, enjoy my friends, and get to know myself again because frankly, there have been times over the past 6 months that I've behaved like a woman I don't know. It's a window into myself that I don't like. Also I'm tired. I'm emotionally exhausted. I will recover, I'm tough. But this was hard on my soul.
I'll refocus on work, hopefully write more and figure some shit out. Refocus on my goal of home ownership. It's important to me and would be good for my little one. Buy a new couch. Teach myself how to make basic sushi.(it's an odd goal I admit but I think it might be relaxing to learn....says the girl who has NEVER done it before..) Get an oil change for my car. Do some things I've been ignoring because they all require work. The other thing this man I met talked about was Procrastination - which we both do on a regular basis - and that procrastination is sometimes used as a crutch for the fear of success. Which does make some sense. Fear and procrastination go hand in hand - I should know they've sat on my shoulders for most of my life.
I think the goal is still to have my life on a path by the time I'm 40. If not a unmuddled path, at least one that I can see.

Festivus for the rest of us

Christmas Eve. My parents and sis came over. They've been coming to my apartment now for the past couple years and I've come to not only enjoy it, but love it. My mom does so much work between thanksgiving and Christmas, it's nice to have them over and they get to sit still for a change. Short list of what I've had to drink so far - a beer, a spiked egg nog, 2 glasses of wine (working on the third) and a shot of disaronno. (which is quite good by the way - the commercials are terrible. I mean who really goes to a bar and orders that?!? Although I might be now. lol) The peanut is still out with her dad. She always spends christmas eve with her father. Splitting time. As long as I get to see her Christmas morning, I'm negotiable on almost every other point. She's very excited for Santa to come visit. There were a couple things she wanted Santa to bring her and I had to explain to her that, um "Santa" couldn't always do everything- but he may still bring you other surprises.
Which leads me to the semi-shoddy construction of some of today's toys. I put together her big gift. The Disney Rapunzel Tower. It went together pretty easily, but a piece or two doesn't close as it should, and most of the stickers were already done. Do you remember when we were kids and everything our parents put together for us had a gazillion stickers?! My poor dad stayed up one year till like 1am putting on stickers to my Barbie Van. I don't know I guess I was kind of looking forward to doing that. As tedious and annoying as it would be, I still wanted to do it. and Mattel took away that opportunity. Oh well - I'm sure there will be something else for me to retell to Abby when she's an adult.
Another note, I've come late to the Ryan Adams party. I know many of my friends have often talked about how amazing he is; as a singer, songwriter, etc. But for a while I really didn't see it. But some friends of mine played me a couple songs that drew me in. A song I just heard recently has struck a heartstring. "Lucky Now" is the name of the song. Here's the beginning:
"I don’t remember were we wild and young
All that faded into memory
I feel like somebody I don’t know
Are we really who we used to be
Am I really who I was"
Something about his voice, the way he sings these words, really has my mind moving. Because there are far to many days where I feel like him. I feel like a person I don't know, and yet I think I'm still the person I used to be. But there are times that I don't see her anymore. I know I've talked about this before, but it's true. Sometimes it takes someone else to make the questions you're asking yourself clearer. I think she's still in me, that girl of 8 years ago - never mind the one I was in college! At this point I'm just looking for the girl I was when I first got married. She is who I miss most. There are elements of that girl still with me today - But I was 24 then? different time.
Well, it's almost time to play Santa. my peanut is home and hopefully passed out. I love this time of year.
Merry Christmas my friends.

Stormy Weather inside and out

So here we are. A week away from Thanksgiving. November did not start out the way I had thought it would. The very last saturday in October ushered in Storm Alfred. Oh the joys of living in New England...A Noreaster of epic preportions that dumped many inches of heavy, wet snow. Since the trees hadn't lost their foliage, this resulted in downed trees, power lines and of courses outages. Our office was without power for a week. I didn't have power for about a week myself. It was so odd to wake up and not go in to work. I got a fair amount of cleaning done, but it still seemed wrong even though logically I knew I could do nothing about it.
I spent a lot of time at my parents house (they survived me and I survived them thank god) and we all talked about power outages and processes, etc. My dad having been a lineman, I remember what it was like to watch the snow come down and know my dad was out in it, fixing things in the cold, making things better for people. It was hard sometimes cause I just wanted him home. But he had to work. Sometimes he'd be gone for 3 or 4 days and I'd ask my mom, "When's dad coming home?" and she would shrug and say "I'm not sure, maybe tonight." So over the week without power, we talked about things, remincesed and I spent time preaching the truth to my facebook friends. Everyone was angry and mad about not having power and were demanding it be fixed asap. I get why everyone was frustrated, i totally do. Not having power blows. But I have always tried to view it in this manner - I have a home. I have blankets, and sweaters, and water, and food...what about all those people braving a horrible storm who have nothing? Who have no place to live? So, I count myself lucky. Dad told me a couple of interesting stories from his line days. One in particular I thought was interesting. He was working one Thanksgiving. (which by the way he did a lot back in the day - being on call was no joke - you get called, day or night, 7pm, 3am you went in) He went out to a house to fix a connection. The husband came out of his house, and started yelling at my dad. "Boy you must just LOVE this! working on a holiday! What are they paying you? Triple time for this? Unbelievable what they pay you guys!" blah, blah, the guy went on and on. Can you imagine? He's just trying to do a job. But see this is the thing that gets me mental about power outages. People get pissed about the situation, but who takes the brunt of the customers anger? the guy on the street. It doesn't matter how you cloak your frustrations, ultimately thats who you are mad at. Fix it faster, fix it now we of little patience these days... So anyway, my dad looked at the guy and said, "Is your family in there? Are you having thanksgiving dinner? Sir, I'm just trying to fix this and get home to MY FAMILY. Don't you think I'd like to be home right now?" Apparently the guys wife came out of her house and ripped her husband a new one. Good for her I say. Bottom line - we all made it. Abby was a complete trooper and never complained once. Kid is amazing.
School is going great for her. There are hiccups along the way, which I expected. My child has done one or two things at school that surprised me. The good stuff - that's what you expect from your kid. It's the wierd, semi- bad behavior that always throws ya. One day she was hot in the classroom. So she took off her jumper and hung out in her shirt and tights. Then refused to put the jumper back on. Who does that?!? I couldn't help but read the teachers email and be like WHAT? Why is my child being so willful? I guess it's what 5 year olds do but still...and of course the grandparents all laugh and think it's just hysterical. That's what grandparents are supposed to do I've come to find out. Spoil them and laugh and do whatever they want for their grandkids. So amusing. HA. So we all had a talk with Abby about not taking clothes off at school. You'd think it would be a given but apparently no. sigh.
Then most recently my daughter turned to another kid in school and said "I'm going to punch you in the head." Again another moment where I read the teachers email and just was like WTF?! I guess when questioned she said "I thought it was funny". Ok, on what planet? Maybe while watching Spongebob, or some other wierd cartoon she got the idea that it was ok to bop someone on the head. So then we launch into a discussion about why that wasn't funny, why you never hit someone or threaten. She felt bad, but still said she just thought it was funny. sigh again. I mean she's never seen behavior of that kind exhibited anywhere! One of my friends suggested it was good that she at least warned the kid before she was about to pummel him...luckily she didn't get the chance. She's willful, determined, smart, hates change, and a bit sneaky. But overall, she has a big heart and loves people. She just gets very frustrated when things don't come easy to her. She expects she should just know how to do everything perfectly the first time around with no practice. - I wish. I wish I already knew how to do all the things I dream up. Like you wake up one day and automatically have the skills to perform difficult martial arts manuevers, or play guitar like Zappa or sing like Ella. She will learn that practice is a part of life and not everything is easy. In fact very little in life is easy.
It's so hard to parent to that perfectionism though cause I was never like that. Not that I didn't have expectations for myself, but I just accepted early on that everything was going to be work for me. I always knew that I'd have to study, I'd have to double check things, I'd have to use my fingers to add. Not to say I'm not smart, I'm damn smart, but I'm not gifted in that knowledge is hard fought for me. It's not an automatic feed.
Parenting is fun, and stressful and can be overwhelming. A friend of ours just announced they are pregnant with their 6th child! I was floored. I have enough issues handling the 1 kid never mind 6! It baffles me how parents do it. But I guess you just figure it out. What's one more kid after you've had 3? I have a great close friend who has a kid older than Abby, and we trade stories and marvel at how much alike our kids are even though their ages are so far apart - Abby at kindergarten the other a 4th grader. But it makes me feel better to see a glimpse of what the road ahead is like. It's comforting to know that she will navigate the challenging things, she will move forward - she will somehow, even if she hates it, adapt to changing landscapes. You try so hard not to fuck up your kids. You make night time vows that you'll be different than your parents. Your parents try and save you from making the same mistakes they made but guess what? You're likely going to make a whole set of brand spankin' new mistakes. They won't be the same ones as your parents made with you, cause you've already lived through those and have vowed never to repeat them. But the ones you make now will be all your own. I try to be sure they are small..I'm trying not to "go big" on the number of years my kid will be in therapy.
I've also dipped my toes back into dating. Oh for the love...it's got worse I think. It's been three years since I've done the online dating thing and frankly I think the pool from which I'm looking is worse. lol. I mean if you go on a date with a man isn't there some expectation of decency? Like wouldn't it be common courtesy to be fucking sober for your date? One would think so...apparently not. he admitted to doing shots and such with a friend at Chili's before our date. Nice. So I get a half lit half wit by the time I show up. It doesn't matter that you look good or smell nice, You could be the hottest guy ever but if you're drunk - no thanks. so that was interesting. Then, on another occasion, I was driving to meet someone for a date, and while they are attempting to help you with directions, on the phone, they proceed to yell at you. "HOW could you have missed that turn? What's WRONG WITH YOU?" wow. I didn't realize that Hitler was still dating. I mean COME.ON. and if another guy asks me what my chest size is, or what I like to do in bed I might just scream. While those things are important, I want a man to want to actually KNOW ME. Someone who wants to know who I am. I didn't think I was asking for to much but apparently I might be. I might need a break from all the idiocy out there. The thing is, I don't know how to be this girl with a filter. When a man is talking to me and asking me questions, I'm honest, I answer. but then they think I'm only interested in sex or all I care about is one thing - I care about many things. I don't know how to shut myself off and only deliver one side or one part. Every emotion in me is out there. I am who I say I am - and I want someone who loves all of that in me. Like no one is going to meet me and be like "wow she's nothing like she said". I don't know. I'm just feeling incapable of figuring this out.
I have all this confusion in my head, then I go to my parents house, and I see red roses on the table and in the living room. I was like, "aww dad got you flowers?" "yup he did." dad says, "Yea, I thought your mom could use them. I bought them for her cause I just love her." and my mom looks at my dad and then me and goes, "I just love him too." I instantly wanted to vomit and cry all at the same time. I love watching them together and I also want to swiftly bang my head against a wall. These are my rule bearers. These are my standards for the world of love. Two people who likely drive each other nuts at times, but have been married for 42 years this month and would take a bullet for the other in a second. So I make a crack and say, "ugh that's so sweet, no man is buying me flowers! haha". everyone laughs. flash to a couple days after that, and Abby brings me yellow roses. My dad felt bad, cause he thought I felt bad, and figured I deserved to have flowers too. So he bought me roses. I almost cried. See when I talk about what a "man" is, I don't mean the flowers. Well he got flowers so that makes him a man? No. I mean the thoughtfulness. The sensitivity to others. The selflessness of his behavior is what makes him a man. He understands that the smallest gesture can have the greatest impact in someones day or life. It's taking the time to consider another person over what YOU want. That is being a man. My standards are what they are cause I know it exists. Someday I'll find that. I hope. and if not, well, at least I have my toys. HA!

Feeling Minnesota

It's been a foggy couple weeks. The little one started school. She was excited and ready to go. I was excited for her but apprehensive naturally. Her dad dropped her off at daycare that morning - we wanted her to have the full experience of riding the bus to school and being dropped off. Granted she didn't have to ride far, but it was still so amazing to watch. As the bus pulled up, I saw her little face in a seat bigger than her. She was waving at us and smiling. How is it that when you give birth to a child, time moves forward at a pace your brain is never ready for? Things happen before you have time to fully process the event. So there I was, standing in the school yard walking behind my child while she was lead to the welcome area for kindergartners. She walked in the school and that was it. Day moves into day and it becomes normal. That first day of school I was pretty good. I, amazingly, didn't cry. Not sure why. But I was in quite a fog that whole day. I managed to wait until the afternoon to call daycare to be sure she got off the bus ok. Of course she was fine. In her words, "School is awesome!!" Of course it was.
I now officially have a school age child. How strange is that? I think back to the days when I didn't want kids at all. When I thought the concept of being a parent was far to overwhelming to handle. The words "lifetime commitment" bouncing around my head. She is worth it. I think I told Jay today that we made a great kid. No matter how our marriage turned out, we created a great person that is only getting better with every day. that's a tremendous achievement.
We've had some tumultuous weather here. A hurricane, some calm, and then another week of rain. I've reached my limit. The grey days weigh on me and shift my mood. I'm typically a happy glass full kind of girl. Weather like this makes me grey and low. I try then to counter that mood with music. I usually choose one of two routes - equally grey music so I just sink right into the mood until the sun appears. Or, I go for hard rock, or fun pop music to help break through to happier thoughts. I kind of did a mix. Listened to The Donnas, Clutch (of course), Billie Holiday, Matt Kearney, AC/DC, etc. So you see I was more floating in the middle. Drifting between grey and sunshine. It worked.
Then, Wednesday I woke with some tooth pain, but it was mild. So I didn't worry about it. Went to work, and managed. Came home with the peanut, had fun, and managed some more. Somewhere around 1am, it turned into throbbing, searing pain. I got up, and it didn't matter that I was shoving 500mg generic tylenol in my body, it was painful. I couldn't sleep so I turned on the TV. As we all know, if you are up after 2am, the tv choices are suspect and usually bad. It's either home shopping channels, or infomercials or some terrible show on HBO about sex. Clearly I opted for the bad show on HBO about sex. It was actually called "Women on top". I watched it. It was the worst acting ever. but of course that's not the point. Pretty naked people having sex. Women in control. whatever. Side bar from the tooth story - just once I'd actually like to see a sex scene that is based on some sort of story. I know all you guys out there are like fuck the story who cares - but sometimes, a good story, with some intrigue and imagination is twice as hot as two people going, "Hi" "Hi" "let's fuck". I mean who comes up with this shit? I was bored frankly. My imagination is 30 times better than any soft drama porn some 4th rate director can come up with. As an example, I watched the movie "The Tourist" tonight. the storyline was...ok but not great. But it held my interest. Angelina Jolie is crazy beautiful and Johnny Depp is...so sexy. Neither one of them were naked once in this movie. or even semi naked. But the way they dressed, looked at each other, and kissed was so hot. It was sexy and dramatic and steam rose from wherever they went. I don't mean that every soft drama porn thing has to aspire to the likes of that but my point is elevate your work a little and it might go somewhere. argh.
but I digress....anyway I called the dentist office the next morning crying into the phone cause I was in so much pain. I called the ex to come pick up the peanut and bring her to daycare. I'm so glad we are friends. He was happy to help. So I went in on Thursday and they pulled the dead tooth. Now knowing myself, I should have pushed to be put out. but honestly I couldn't have waited another day. and knowing my teeth as I do, they are like the roots of a 100 year old tree. They don't want to leave my mouth regardless of how dead they are. I was shot with a lot of novacaine which didn't really touch the pain cause it was infected. Great. I cried, yelled, and they shut the door cause I was likely upsetting anyone else who had come for a simple procedure. Awesome. It's always good to know when you are frightening other people.
In the end, the dentist did a great job, and it while it was painful and I now resemble chip and dale, I feel better. 800mg ibuprophen helps along with 500mg. of penicillin 4 times a day.
So here I sit watching Palladia, my favorite channel these days along with NESN. Watching Radiohead. I think this new album might be worth getting. I really like the ethereal sound they've created with these songs. Fits my mood of late...oh now Soundgarden is on....love this channel.
Status since the breakup - well we've talked here and there. Emailed further explanations of how we feel and how that initial phone call was interpreted. on both sides. I've done my best to respect his wishes and stay away. I do want him as a friend, but I don't think he wants that right now. Breakups are never easy. It's funny how there are times you want to call that person and just talk about bullshit because you are so used to doing that. Used to them being a part of your everyday. You break up with someone and suddenly those things are all redefined and out of sync. Like he got me started on this supremely nerdy hobby of collecting coins. (stop laughing Danielle!) I keep telling myself its for future investment. The funny thing is...I like it. There are literally hundreds of coins out there that are amazing in terms of the artistry and level of detail. World coins, compared to US coins are beautiful. US Coins are fucking dull. Now I'm kind of hooked. As an investment, it is worth it to buy precious metals in different forms as the values of them will only increase over time. I wanted to call him the other day to talk about a coin i wanted to buy to see if it was worth it. Right now, I can't do that. Which is a shame but at the same time I understand why I can't. Someday maybe I'll be able to do that again. To be completely cliche, "Only time will tell". hate that phrase.
It's interesting that Soundgarden is on and I titled this post Feeling Minnesota. I've always related to that song. Not sure why. I think it's the opposites that exist. Feeling California..feeling minnesota...that's how the past couple of weeks have gone. Sunshine and grey. I'd prefer the sunny side of the block.

New wishes for a new September

Recently my dad revamped the tree swing in the backyard of their house. The trees in the yard are old and tired, but there are a couple oak trees that are strong enough to hold a swing. I remember swinging on it when i was younger. He fixed it up for Abby. She's been asking for weeks to go on it, but my dad, ever vigilant on safety issues, wanted it moved to another branch as the one it was on was dead. So he did. He fashioned a new wood plank seat, and has made the best.swing.ever. I was standing in my driveway watching Abby and my dad. The swing is long, and the ride stretches into the branches of another tree. She was laughing and hooting the whole time. It was a fantastic and awful moment all at the same time. I was so emotionally overwhelmed - to watch her behave as I did as a kid - it truly is like watching yourself all over again. Seeing how you looked to your own parents. The awful part is knowing she's getting older. Knowing that there may come a time when this is lame. When this won't be the coolest thing ever. It'll be replaced by some gadget, or god forbid, a boy...yikes. Of course while this bittersweet moment was going on I also had a thought - I can't wait to go try it out. I love swings. There is something wonderful about the feeling of flying through the air. I used to swing forever. I tested it out, and sure enough my toes touched the leaves. I was laughing, and I could hear Abby laughing, and I felt so comfortable. Happy being in motion.

So in watching this and other fun summer moments, I'm now faced with the fading of summer and the beginning of a new chapter with my girl. School. She starts kindergarten this week. I remember nursing her as baby, sitting her in her high chair feeding her baby food, watching her crawl, and walk and all those milestones...always feeling like school was a lifetime away. That we'd never get there. Now Abby is getting ready to go to school. Ride a bus, have a teacher, make friends, learn to write and read...It's scary for me and exciting for her. On top of all my emotions about her starting school, my emotions about having a school age child divorced are there as well. I know it'll pass, but when I had Abby, I never imagined my life to be different. I never thought I'd be divorced before my child turned 3. I figured my ex and I would be together forever and sharing in all these moments. but the world changes and life doesn't always give you the pat setup you're looking for. So we coparent and coordinate and write down schedules, and create spreadsheets of days and times for pickup and drop off. I've adjusted, and moved on with my life but sometimes memories sneak in. They remind you of what once was, who you were. I've always said you can run all over the country to run from your past and from yourself but in the end it follows you. So I adjust. I think things out and figure out how to move forward cause there is no going back - as Robert Frost once said, "SOMETIMES THE ONLY WAY OUT IS THROUGH." Don't I know it.

Have you ever wished for something and then found out you wished for the wrong thing? I have. I'm not really superstitious, but there is one thing that I've always done. If you catch the clock changing to 11:11, you're supposed to make a wish. So for years I wished for my soulmate. My other half. My person to love and cherish. I met my ex. and for many years that is exactly what we were to each other. Till things fell apart. After that I put wishes aside for a time as some of the romance I had held for so long had shattered and broke. Then I started wishing again. For a man to not only care for me, but to take care of me. That was something I'd never wished for before. I changed the wish. Can one do that? When you've set your heart on something can you adjust the wish? Are you allowed to mold it? I got what I asked for. But what do you do when you realize it doesn't fit you? How do you deal with a half dream? In some respects I had got my wish. I found a nice man who was good to me, who took care of me, who made some of the thigns I worried about obsolete. I liked him as a person, I cared for him and his kids. I thought for a long time "this can work". I thought I had it in me to wait. To wait for a change in him, a time when he would be free enough to be the man I needed. The man I knew he wanted to be. In many aspects he was the wish in the flesh. But when needs aren't being met, when you know in your heart that you are sacrificing your true self then it is time to change. I broke up with him a week ago. It was hard. There was a sense of calm that started to settle in this week. I listened to my gut and I knew it was the right choice. As I've said sometimes the hardest choice is the right choice. I'd like to keep him in my life as a friend. Cause we do enjoy talking to each other and making each other laugh. But for now, we aren't talking at all. Space is needed i think if we are going to a place where we can be friends.

I'm readjusting my wish. To make it more accurate for what my needs and wants are. The emotional and physical connection needs to be there. The desire and passion that is possible is way important to me. I can't ignore that side of myself or shelve it. I can't pretend like those needs don't exist or are less important than the day to day. Cause they aren't. The end of August beginning of September is ushering in some new changes. Some I'm ready for and some I'm not.

Promises and sickness

After being sick for longer than I care to remember, I think I can safely say I'm better. Strep throat is no joke and frankly I'm disgusted with my doctor. I realize that they prescribe medicine to treat you based on symptoms and exam but honestly - how can you prescribe incorrect meds for strep throat? Here's the deal: I had a bad sore throat and they gave me amoxicillan. After 10 days, I was sorta good but not quite there. I went back in, tested positive for Strep, and they gave me the same medicine. AGAIN. Took it for ten days, and was good for a day or two, then got raging sick again. Went to the medhelp clinic in my area, and they gave me different meds. CRAZY! and basically told me that amoxicillan is good for nothing. Great. So now, after another ten days of meds, I'm actually better. See, what pisses me off here, is that my primary doc should know my history. Read my fucking file and you'd know that sore throats are the bain of my existence. So don't fuck around. Give me REAL MEDS. Stuff that actually treats a bacterial infection. Which, by the way, is what Strep IS. I didn't go to med school and even I know this.
So my sickness ended in time to celebrate my peanuts 5th birthday. I can't believe she's 5. Where did 5 years go? We went to NYC to see my sister and trudge through the American Girl Store. For any of you who are unaware of what this is, it's 3 floors of little girl heaven. Dolls, and clothes, and furniture, and pets to go with the dolls, and a doll hospital, tea party, etc. It was mobbed with people. I've been hesitant for a while now to even get her a doll cause honestly she likes animals better than dolls. You have no idea how many stuffed animals we have. I've considered a stuffed animal apocalypse but figured that might not bode well for her future mental stability. But she started to show some interest in the dolls, so I figured that would be a fun birthday treat. She did love it - but, typical to her, she picked her doll, one outfit, and the cat pet, and was done in like a half hour. It's so funny how you can plan this elaborate event for your kid and they're bored in like 10 minutes. Or more interested in something you didn't plan on at all. I think the most fun abby had was throwing pennies in the fountains at Roc Center with my sis. I think Abby misses her. She loves her Auntie. It makes me happy to watch my sister and Abby. They are wonderfully alike, and they seem to understand each other which makes my heart happy.
Of course in the middle of all this fun, about halfway into our visit to American Girl, she turned to me and said "I want to leave NOW." So to avoid the meltdown that was T-minus a minute away, we left. Again the fact that she's 5 is amazing to me. She's going to start soccer next week, and school in the fall. How did that happen? My world is changing all over again. Now it'll be school events, homework, backpacks, soccer practice and running, running,running...But I'm excited for all of it.
On a separate but related note, my sister and I had a talk this week that made me realize that I've been doing something to myself that is unnecessary. Putting added pressure on myself where I don't need to. I'm very aware of the promises I make to my child. Like when Abby says, "Mommy I want you to take me to Sea World!!" I don't say, "Sure I will" cause right now, I don't know when I"ll be able to afford a trip like that. So I say I hope that one day I can do that. I don't want to give her false hope and have her be disappointed. It makes me mental when I hear about parents who do that shit to kids. Don't make promises you can't keep has always been my mantra in life and in work. I don't ever want to be the parent that doesn't follow through on the promises I make to my child. I want to always show her that I do as i say I'm going to. However, what I have to remember is what things are most important. My sis called it an "embarrassment of riches". Choosing between two great things is not breaking a promise. If I don't take my child to a movie or to an event, she's not going to be in therapy in 15 years going, "My mom never took me to see Tangled!" The promises I need to make sure I always keep, are when she NEEDS me. Like she wants me to be at her soccer games, or gymnastic practice, or when there's a school event that I SHOW UP. Or when the boyfriend breaks her heart and she needs a hug - or support to do the best she can. Drying her tears when she's hurt. Those are the things she will judge me on as a parent. Not whether we colored eggs or saw a movie. So, I realize that I'm being to hard on myself. My sister put it in perspective for me in a way I hadn't thought about. Thanks to her, I remember now what I need to focus on. Sometimes with all the running around and efforts to do the right thing, I forget what the real battles are.