I need to gripe. I live in an apartment building. 4 floors. I'm on the 3rd. Now I'm well aware that part of the "joy" of apartment living is that there are occasions where you will hear your neighbors. I myself have a child so I'm sure the people living below me have had to endure the running feet of my child. However my kid is in bed by 9!!!
The neighbors above me frequently stop around, and let their child run and jump as if he's having sugar fits. and sometimes it's at 11 at night....REALLY?!?! Doesn't your kid need to go to bed? Don't they need their sleep?!?! Cause I fucking do! As I type this, it's now 9:56. It sounds like a bowling match is going on up there. I have been that tenant that bangs on the ceiling only once. They drive me crazy. It makes me miss having a house.
I used to live in a house when I was married. It wasn't big, it was sorta small actually, but I did love it. I decorated it the way I wanted the house to feel to guests who walked in the door. Many friends had told me that the kitchen felt like home - like their grandmothers house. Which was fine with me, cause I wanted it to be a place where you could sit down and relax, have a chat, cup of tea, etc. The backyard was great, with a pool. We had a lot of fun there. I planted a ton of flowers, all of which i loveingly cared for. Granted after abby it was harder to do, and as the marriage fell apart, so did a lot of other things. But I miss having my own space. You know what I'm talking about - you leave work, drive home, and as you pull in the driveway, you feel yourself relax and are thankful that you are home. Thats something I miss. Having a back yard to lounge in. A grill!! I miss having a fucking grill! I miss making steak, and hot dogs and all those awesome things that only taste good on a grill. I miss SILENCE. God not having to hear the fucking elephants above me would be awesome.
Someday, I'll have another house. Someday I'll have the things I dream about when I fall asleep. It sounds overly romantic - and you all know how I am about romance - but it's true. I dream of a walk in closet, and a real soaking tub. Some people dream about other things, I on occasion dream of closets and tubs. Then sex. or sometimes the other way around...ANYWAY...the point here is that I want a home again. I'd like it to be with the boyfriend and his kids. They make me happy - HE makes me happy. I think he would like that as well even though he may not know how to say that to me.
Although, he did tell me he likes me more than cheese...lol
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
A Poem
I don't really know where this came from. Honestly, I wrote this at work. lol I think its a combination of things - thinking of the past and some stuff I saw on TV. The point is, I like the way it came out.
Sides 7/28/2010
My brain is not in alignment with my body.
My body is making the case that you
are worth the risk.
You are air,
breathe deep and slow for survival.
My mind speaks in judgement and disapproval.
How can you behave like a common girl?
How can you be torn between right and wrong?
Are my definitions defunct?
Does the tried and true no longer apply?
At one point, you just do a thing -
or so a friend once told me.
Which thing is what addles my brain,
curls my toes,
and goosebumps my neck.
Sides 7/28/2010
My brain is not in alignment with my body.
My body is making the case that you
are worth the risk.
You are air,
breathe deep and slow for survival.
My mind speaks in judgement and disapproval.
How can you behave like a common girl?
How can you be torn between right and wrong?
Are my definitions defunct?
Does the tried and true no longer apply?
At one point, you just do a thing -
or so a friend once told me.
Which thing is what addles my brain,
curls my toes,
and goosebumps my neck.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Eating better sucks
I know that you all are about say, "you'll get used to it..it's not that bad!" Bullshit. It sucks. The things I enjoy eating are all porportedly terrible for me. Cheese, bacon, ham, chocolate, cool whip, ice cream and tiramisu. Starbucks is crack and Dairy Queen is hell.
I'll back up a bit.
I talked in an earlier post about the fact that I know I need to make some lifestyle changes. For a long time, a couple years at least, I've been eating with reckless abandon. Shoving whatever I felt like eating in my mouth. While that's been enjoyable, it really hasn't been good for my hips and ass. Some of this behavior was born out of anxiety/depression from a shitty job right to the divorce. I think over the last few months I've given my life greater thought. I don't mean "why am I here?" type thought I mean concious thinking about the direction my health is going. I think a fair amount of this has been brought about by watching the changes in my parents. My mom is getting used to dealing with diabetes, and my father is struggling with his hip/back pain. I guess I"m seeing first hand that I am no longer at an age where "later" is an option. I either do it now or don't bother.
One of my friends has had some success with a free website in which you can track your food intake - calories, fat, carbs all that happy horse shit. SO, for the past week, I have done my best to not only track my food, but be honest. It's one thing to say you ate a ham and cheese sandwich on whole wheat - its quite another to admit you ate chips and had 3 glazed munchkins for a snack AFTER breakfast. So, I"m trying to be honest. I'm trying to see why I'm making the choices I"m making, and figure out how to stop mindless eating. Buddhists always talk about being in the moment, living life in the present. I'm trying to be mindful of what goes in my mouth. I'm hoping by seeing the actual calories of each item it'll force me to make different choices. I think it'll work. It'll take time. I'm not in a rush this time. I'm not going totally cold turkey, and frankly, if I really want a piece of chocolate I'm fucking having it. I've never been someone who can live life devoid of sweets. It's the moderation part that I need to change. If I can master that, I think I might actually be successful. I'm also afraid to talk about it. Is that wierd? I think there have been so many times in the past where I've done so much gabbing about my goals, plans, etc. and then when it whithers out, I feel like a failure.
I remember one time, I had come home from the gym, and I had felt pretty good about what I had done. My ex turned to me and said, "well, let's see if you keep it up; you haven't before." It was like somebody punched me in the stomach. All the talking up I'd done to myself was gone in one second. Disappeared. The thing is he had no idea the mental struggle with myself to actually GO to the gym, let alone the mental gymnastics to say "HOORAY! YOU DID IT!" over and over again so I'd feel like I did something instead of feeling like an idiot.
I don't think I was strong enough or knew how to ignore what he said and just keep on exercising and move forward. I felt defeated and more to the point I BELIEVED I was a failure. Why try - you'll never get any better was what the voice in my head said to me. It's almost like you have to separate out what is true, and what is false in your brain. (I know it sounds awfully new agey, bear with me) The negative voices need to be called out for what they are- negative voices and then I need to find a way to believe in myself. To truly believe that I have the ability to be better than I am right now. That's a tough one. It's been a long time since I truly believed in myself. I've done things out of sheer will and refusal to break down, but not because I believed I could do it. It was more out of a survival and "i have no fucking choice" mentality. To have faith in myself is a much more complex animal. It is a different kind of achievement. A different mindset. A "lifestyle change" as they call it.
I've been at this a full week. I've done pretty good with a false start here and there... and I've lost 1 pound. That pound needs to represent success. Each pound now needs to represent success and has to begin to foster a belief in myself that I am successful.
Almost like a daily affirmation.
Christ if I start talking into a mirror and saying "I'm good enough, I"m smart enough and dammit people like me!" someone put me out in a field with the cows.
I'll back up a bit.
I talked in an earlier post about the fact that I know I need to make some lifestyle changes. For a long time, a couple years at least, I've been eating with reckless abandon. Shoving whatever I felt like eating in my mouth. While that's been enjoyable, it really hasn't been good for my hips and ass. Some of this behavior was born out of anxiety/depression from a shitty job right to the divorce. I think over the last few months I've given my life greater thought. I don't mean "why am I here?" type thought I mean concious thinking about the direction my health is going. I think a fair amount of this has been brought about by watching the changes in my parents. My mom is getting used to dealing with diabetes, and my father is struggling with his hip/back pain. I guess I"m seeing first hand that I am no longer at an age where "later" is an option. I either do it now or don't bother.
One of my friends has had some success with a free website in which you can track your food intake - calories, fat, carbs all that happy horse shit. SO, for the past week, I have done my best to not only track my food, but be honest. It's one thing to say you ate a ham and cheese sandwich on whole wheat - its quite another to admit you ate chips and had 3 glazed munchkins for a snack AFTER breakfast. So, I"m trying to be honest. I'm trying to see why I'm making the choices I"m making, and figure out how to stop mindless eating. Buddhists always talk about being in the moment, living life in the present. I'm trying to be mindful of what goes in my mouth. I'm hoping by seeing the actual calories of each item it'll force me to make different choices. I think it'll work. It'll take time. I'm not in a rush this time. I'm not going totally cold turkey, and frankly, if I really want a piece of chocolate I'm fucking having it. I've never been someone who can live life devoid of sweets. It's the moderation part that I need to change. If I can master that, I think I might actually be successful. I'm also afraid to talk about it. Is that wierd? I think there have been so many times in the past where I've done so much gabbing about my goals, plans, etc. and then when it whithers out, I feel like a failure.
I remember one time, I had come home from the gym, and I had felt pretty good about what I had done. My ex turned to me and said, "well, let's see if you keep it up; you haven't before." It was like somebody punched me in the stomach. All the talking up I'd done to myself was gone in one second. Disappeared. The thing is he had no idea the mental struggle with myself to actually GO to the gym, let alone the mental gymnastics to say "HOORAY! YOU DID IT!" over and over again so I'd feel like I did something instead of feeling like an idiot.
I don't think I was strong enough or knew how to ignore what he said and just keep on exercising and move forward. I felt defeated and more to the point I BELIEVED I was a failure. Why try - you'll never get any better was what the voice in my head said to me. It's almost like you have to separate out what is true, and what is false in your brain. (I know it sounds awfully new agey, bear with me) The negative voices need to be called out for what they are- negative voices and then I need to find a way to believe in myself. To truly believe that I have the ability to be better than I am right now. That's a tough one. It's been a long time since I truly believed in myself. I've done things out of sheer will and refusal to break down, but not because I believed I could do it. It was more out of a survival and "i have no fucking choice" mentality. To have faith in myself is a much more complex animal. It is a different kind of achievement. A different mindset. A "lifestyle change" as they call it.
I've been at this a full week. I've done pretty good with a false start here and there... and I've lost 1 pound. That pound needs to represent success. Each pound now needs to represent success and has to begin to foster a belief in myself that I am successful.
Almost like a daily affirmation.
Christ if I start talking into a mirror and saying "I'm good enough, I"m smart enough and dammit people like me!" someone put me out in a field with the cows.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Do I look like an idiot to you?
Interesting little tale to tell that happened about a year ago but resurfaces again this week. Yeah the douchebags are out again. Must be summer.
I've talked before about the whole online dating thing and the vapidness that exists there. I have met some really nice people through those sites but I've also met a mixed bag of idiots. For a short time I was on a single parent dating site. The idea being that while sometimes tough to date a parent with kids, here, at this site, you can meet a likeminded soul...or bump into the soulless if that's your ilk.
One day i got a message from a seemingly normal man.( I know, I've said this before and somehow I continue to give people the benefit of the doubt.)
He said he was english and had moved to the US about a year before. Working to provide a better life for his son - who was living in England with his mother. WHAT? that alone confused me, and some of the other nice things he said to me seemed to pat. I couldn't put my finger on it, but my gut was talking to me and I've learned to listen. So for entertainment purposes I played along. I figured it might be fun to see what other crap he had to say.
Sure enough, as days passed his life story got more weepy. Then out of nowhere I got, "I need to fly to England my mother is sick." So at this point I'm wondering when the extortion question will appear. Sure enough, within a day I get this message: "I need $600 for special cancer medications for my mother. I'm sure WE'LL figure it out. Let me know how much you can send me." I was laughing. Cause I knew this was coming. It's funny how even online you can feel the deceit a mile away. I was also laughing cause if he had really known me, he would have known I was the last person anyone would ask for money from. lol
I responded by letting him know he was a complete moron and I wouldn't be giving him any money. He goes, "you seem mad." At that point I gave him the go pound sand speech.
Just the other day this man showed up on facebook of all places. He showed up in my "suggestions" list. I ignored it. Then I get a message this week that goes like this:
"Hi Princess,
How are you doing ? How long have you joined this site and how long have you been single ? Whatcha looking for on here ? I am single and i am looking for a serious and long term thing. I have been single for the past 4years since i lost my ex. Distance and age means nothing to me in seeking for the right woman. get back to me if you are still interested in me. Stephen"
So as you see, some of the text is choppy, the story is off, and he's now using a completely different name than before!! But the complete dope that he is, he's using the SAME photo he used on the single parent dating site. Idiot. Here's my response.
"hmm..this is amusing. So now your name is Stephen? I seem to recall from prior emails I have that your name was "John Petkus". You obviously aren't a very good criminal because you are using the exact same photo as you did when you were "John".
I'm currently in a relationship with a real man, someone who truly treats me with respect, kindness and love.
So, to answer your question - no I'm not interested in you Stephen...or whatever your name is."
Needless to say I haven't heard back. lol I think what I find most sad is there are women out there who likely have fallen for whatever sob story he's made up and have actually sent him money not knowing at all who they are dealing with - a low life criminal. It is one thing to want to meet someone and have a lasting relationship. When you are driven to find a relationship, and its all based on a feeling desperateness, that is when you leave yourself open for hunters.
I've been lucky to have found a real relationship that started with an online conversation. For many, it is not that successful.
Just remember ladies, if they ask for your credit card they aren't interested in how you feel about politics, the movies or sex. You are only a money score. But good luck. Good men do exist online - there just happens to be a boatload of shit to wade through.
I've talked before about the whole online dating thing and the vapidness that exists there. I have met some really nice people through those sites but I've also met a mixed bag of idiots. For a short time I was on a single parent dating site. The idea being that while sometimes tough to date a parent with kids, here, at this site, you can meet a likeminded soul...or bump into the soulless if that's your ilk.
One day i got a message from a seemingly normal man.( I know, I've said this before and somehow I continue to give people the benefit of the doubt.)
He said he was english and had moved to the US about a year before. Working to provide a better life for his son - who was living in England with his mother. WHAT? that alone confused me, and some of the other nice things he said to me seemed to pat. I couldn't put my finger on it, but my gut was talking to me and I've learned to listen. So for entertainment purposes I played along. I figured it might be fun to see what other crap he had to say.
Sure enough, as days passed his life story got more weepy. Then out of nowhere I got, "I need to fly to England my mother is sick." So at this point I'm wondering when the extortion question will appear. Sure enough, within a day I get this message: "I need $600 for special cancer medications for my mother. I'm sure WE'LL figure it out. Let me know how much you can send me." I was laughing. Cause I knew this was coming. It's funny how even online you can feel the deceit a mile away. I was also laughing cause if he had really known me, he would have known I was the last person anyone would ask for money from. lol
I responded by letting him know he was a complete moron and I wouldn't be giving him any money. He goes, "you seem mad." At that point I gave him the go pound sand speech.
Just the other day this man showed up on facebook of all places. He showed up in my "suggestions" list. I ignored it. Then I get a message this week that goes like this:
"Hi Princess,
How are you doing ? How long have you joined this site and how long have you been single ? Whatcha looking for on here ? I am single and i am looking for a serious and long term thing. I have been single for the past 4years since i lost my ex. Distance and age means nothing to me in seeking for the right woman. get back to me if you are still interested in me. Stephen"
So as you see, some of the text is choppy, the story is off, and he's now using a completely different name than before!! But the complete dope that he is, he's using the SAME photo he used on the single parent dating site. Idiot. Here's my response.
"hmm..this is amusing. So now your name is Stephen? I seem to recall from prior emails I have that your name was "John Petkus". You obviously aren't a very good criminal because you are using the exact same photo as you did when you were "John".
I'm currently in a relationship with a real man, someone who truly treats me with respect, kindness and love.
So, to answer your question - no I'm not interested in you Stephen...or whatever your name is."
Needless to say I haven't heard back. lol I think what I find most sad is there are women out there who likely have fallen for whatever sob story he's made up and have actually sent him money not knowing at all who they are dealing with - a low life criminal. It is one thing to want to meet someone and have a lasting relationship. When you are driven to find a relationship, and its all based on a feeling desperateness, that is when you leave yourself open for hunters.
I've been lucky to have found a real relationship that started with an online conversation. For many, it is not that successful.
Just remember ladies, if they ask for your credit card they aren't interested in how you feel about politics, the movies or sex. You are only a money score. But good luck. Good men do exist online - there just happens to be a boatload of shit to wade through.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Stuffed head
It's been far to long since I've posted. I think that would explain why my head feels so stuffed.
Here's the catchup - the exboyfriend is no longer the ex. We're back together. It's actually better than the first time. He's the new and improved dork. He is making tremendous effort to show that he wants me in his life, and that we mean something to each other. He's prioritizing at work, and acting more like management now, and carving out time for a life. Life is much more important than work - Even though work allows you to have that life.
So he invited he on a work trip to Boston - I knew that he would be working hard both days, with little or no contact until 6pm, but I was ok with that. I knew it was a big deal for him to invite me to something that is personal and professional, and that so clearly makes him excited and happy. He loves what he does. The owner was not to thrilled at first about me going, but the dork(as I sweetly refer to him) stuck up for me, for us, and said, "She's going. end of discussion." Points in the positive column..I walked around a city that I love. I was by myself and didn't care. I'm so used to a little 4yr. old going, "mommy,mommy, mommy.." that at first it was odd to be alone and not have anyone to answer to. That is a rarity these days. I bought an almond croissant, sat on a park bench with a good book and read in the sunshine. Another rarity. It was heaven. Later, after walking Newbury St. for a long while, I went back to the Hotel and took a long bubble bath. Now here is something I love to do but never get to do. To sit in hot water and empty your head is an underrated pastime.
I was thinking a lot about our relationship and how we're going to get to a place where we are under the same roof. That is going to take work, and planning and discussions. Like, where? how far? how close? Mass or CT? If it was just me it'd be easy. But it's not. That decision will take a lot of time and may be a year in the making at least, but being who I am, 30 steps ahead, I'm turning it over and over in my mind so it makes sense to me. Wrapping my mind around all the possibilities that work for everyone. Cause see when you're married with kids, these questions aren't an issue. When you're single with no real responsibilities, these aren't issues. But when divorced, and you have kids, it becomes more cumbersome to move forward. I think in some ways that frustrates me...and then I feel selfish for wanting happiness in my life. I want to just pick up and go be with him, all kids under the same roof, but I know its not that easy and I get mad sometimes that it isn't that easy. I have a child that I adore so then I beat myself up for wanting something for ME. She is the most important thing in my life. Having a child means you make sacrifices. You give up things that were once important to you so they can be the best person they can be. But isn't part of our responsibility to our kids to be happy ourselves? Don't we need to show them how to live our best life so they have a model to go by? I don't know I get torn between what I want and what I'm supposed to give up. Striking a balance between who I am and what I represent to my child is....exhausting at times. Worth it always, but its tiring. Parenthood is no joke.
Speaking of parenting I was thinking the other day about all the things I'm expected to know as a mom and have an answer for. "Mom, why is that guy on the roof of that building?" "I think he's fixing the air conditioner." (I have no fucking idea really, but good guess no?) "Mom, what does that sign say?" "It says Donate your car for cash." "Mom why is that kid crying?" "I don't know abby I'm guessing he's overtired...like you." (I loved that one.) Not to mention all the "What does that mean?" questions and the "Why?" questions...I love it and loathe it. Is that wrong? I guess not; part and parcel of being a parent. The job is rewarding at the same time as its heavy. The constant questions about the world around her are flying out her mouth at breakneck pace. I explained yesterday the difference between saying "geese" and "goose". I can tell she got it which amazes me. I dread the day she starts asking me math questions. (Math and I are not friends.) Thank god I have a couple of wonderful friends who are math smarties. They'll come in handy....lol
and lastly, I have a long time friend who is basically giving me an ultimatum even though she says she isn't. I have likely mentioned before that I hate drama. I'm a low maintenance kind of girl. I've known this person for at least 15 years. She and I go back to college days. At the time she was outrageous and carefree, with much of the world in front of her. Many of my friends just thought she was a bitch, and basically figured she's a little crazy. For whatever reason, her and I clicked. We got along on so many levels. She made me laugh, we were able to talk about anything, and we shared the same love of music. We both wrote poetry, and I always admired the way in which she could speak aloud and not worry what other people thought of her. Although it is possible she needed the attention and that is why she was so outwardly crazy. In any event, our lives moved forwards - or at least mine did. I got married, got a job, got a house, had a child, got divorced and here I sit..in my own apartment and in another relationship. I've dated, I've made new friends and kept some of the dearest ones close. She has basically lived a stagnant life that is essentially of her own making. Some things out of her own control but others not so much. She gets in her own way all the time. No matter how much contact I had with her it was and is never enough. She feels that I do not pay enough attention or interest in her life to call her every so often, and that if I did care I would do that. As I have told her time and again, I have never been the type of friend who calls someone daily, or even weekly. I'm terrible at picking up the phone and calling someone. All my friends know this about me. I'm a complete pain in the ass when it comes to keeping in regular contact. It doesn't mean I don't care, you aren't on my mind, or you don't matter to me. All of my friends mean the world to me and there have been many days where my friends have helped me stand up and move forward. I am frustrated by this situation. No one I"m friends with understands why we are friends. I feel like I'm on a sinking ship. Do I hold on to this friendship just because it's 15 years old or do I accept the fact we've outgrown each other? Which is ultimately what i think is happening. Maybe I am the asshole. I just don't know right now. This whole thing is weighing on me and I don't even know what to say or do anymore. Her and I have had the same conversation more than once over the years. I try to be better, I try to engage more, and give more of my time, more of me than I already give, and then I slip back into old behavior patterns. As much as I love her, she can be exhausting. I have a career, a child, a boyfriend now and everything else that makes up life.
If I was the only friend that theses issues were with, then I'd likely say it's partly on me (and it still may be). However she has alienated and pushed away many others from her life because she cannot accept that they don't elevate their behavior to her own. I'm not talking about aquaintances either, I'm talking about people she's known for a long, long time. If she feels our friendship is to one sided, then that is her choice to feel that way - in some respects I do understand where she is coming from. She is the one who initiates phone calls; I've admitted being rotten at keeping up that end of the bargain. But my question is, so because I don't call that means I don't care? That means I don't feel in my heart that you matter in my life?? I'm not sure of the right answer here. I have friends I don't talk to often at all but I think of them daily and if they called me tomorrow/today and needed something I would do whatever I could to help. I'm not perfect, I've made my share of mistakes or screwups when it comes to friendships, but the people I care about hold special places in my heart and always will.
You would think, at almost 37 I wouldn't have to deal with this shit anymore. I just loathe drama of all sorts and disguises.
Here's the catchup - the exboyfriend is no longer the ex. We're back together. It's actually better than the first time. He's the new and improved dork. He is making tremendous effort to show that he wants me in his life, and that we mean something to each other. He's prioritizing at work, and acting more like management now, and carving out time for a life. Life is much more important than work - Even though work allows you to have that life.
So he invited he on a work trip to Boston - I knew that he would be working hard both days, with little or no contact until 6pm, but I was ok with that. I knew it was a big deal for him to invite me to something that is personal and professional, and that so clearly makes him excited and happy. He loves what he does. The owner was not to thrilled at first about me going, but the dork(as I sweetly refer to him) stuck up for me, for us, and said, "She's going. end of discussion." Points in the positive column..I walked around a city that I love. I was by myself and didn't care. I'm so used to a little 4yr. old going, "mommy,mommy, mommy.." that at first it was odd to be alone and not have anyone to answer to. That is a rarity these days. I bought an almond croissant, sat on a park bench with a good book and read in the sunshine. Another rarity. It was heaven. Later, after walking Newbury St. for a long while, I went back to the Hotel and took a long bubble bath. Now here is something I love to do but never get to do. To sit in hot water and empty your head is an underrated pastime.
I was thinking a lot about our relationship and how we're going to get to a place where we are under the same roof. That is going to take work, and planning and discussions. Like, where? how far? how close? Mass or CT? If it was just me it'd be easy. But it's not. That decision will take a lot of time and may be a year in the making at least, but being who I am, 30 steps ahead, I'm turning it over and over in my mind so it makes sense to me. Wrapping my mind around all the possibilities that work for everyone. Cause see when you're married with kids, these questions aren't an issue. When you're single with no real responsibilities, these aren't issues. But when divorced, and you have kids, it becomes more cumbersome to move forward. I think in some ways that frustrates me...and then I feel selfish for wanting happiness in my life. I want to just pick up and go be with him, all kids under the same roof, but I know its not that easy and I get mad sometimes that it isn't that easy. I have a child that I adore so then I beat myself up for wanting something for ME. She is the most important thing in my life. Having a child means you make sacrifices. You give up things that were once important to you so they can be the best person they can be. But isn't part of our responsibility to our kids to be happy ourselves? Don't we need to show them how to live our best life so they have a model to go by? I don't know I get torn between what I want and what I'm supposed to give up. Striking a balance between who I am and what I represent to my child is....exhausting at times. Worth it always, but its tiring. Parenthood is no joke.
Speaking of parenting I was thinking the other day about all the things I'm expected to know as a mom and have an answer for. "Mom, why is that guy on the roof of that building?" "I think he's fixing the air conditioner." (I have no fucking idea really, but good guess no?) "Mom, what does that sign say?" "It says Donate your car for cash." "Mom why is that kid crying?" "I don't know abby I'm guessing he's overtired...like you." (I loved that one.) Not to mention all the "What does that mean?" questions and the "Why?" questions...I love it and loathe it. Is that wrong? I guess not; part and parcel of being a parent. The job is rewarding at the same time as its heavy. The constant questions about the world around her are flying out her mouth at breakneck pace. I explained yesterday the difference between saying "geese" and "goose". I can tell she got it which amazes me. I dread the day she starts asking me math questions. (Math and I are not friends.) Thank god I have a couple of wonderful friends who are math smarties. They'll come in handy....lol
and lastly, I have a long time friend who is basically giving me an ultimatum even though she says she isn't. I have likely mentioned before that I hate drama. I'm a low maintenance kind of girl. I've known this person for at least 15 years. She and I go back to college days. At the time she was outrageous and carefree, with much of the world in front of her. Many of my friends just thought she was a bitch, and basically figured she's a little crazy. For whatever reason, her and I clicked. We got along on so many levels. She made me laugh, we were able to talk about anything, and we shared the same love of music. We both wrote poetry, and I always admired the way in which she could speak aloud and not worry what other people thought of her. Although it is possible she needed the attention and that is why she was so outwardly crazy. In any event, our lives moved forwards - or at least mine did. I got married, got a job, got a house, had a child, got divorced and here I sit..in my own apartment and in another relationship. I've dated, I've made new friends and kept some of the dearest ones close. She has basically lived a stagnant life that is essentially of her own making. Some things out of her own control but others not so much. She gets in her own way all the time. No matter how much contact I had with her it was and is never enough. She feels that I do not pay enough attention or interest in her life to call her every so often, and that if I did care I would do that. As I have told her time and again, I have never been the type of friend who calls someone daily, or even weekly. I'm terrible at picking up the phone and calling someone. All my friends know this about me. I'm a complete pain in the ass when it comes to keeping in regular contact. It doesn't mean I don't care, you aren't on my mind, or you don't matter to me. All of my friends mean the world to me and there have been many days where my friends have helped me stand up and move forward. I am frustrated by this situation. No one I"m friends with understands why we are friends. I feel like I'm on a sinking ship. Do I hold on to this friendship just because it's 15 years old or do I accept the fact we've outgrown each other? Which is ultimately what i think is happening. Maybe I am the asshole. I just don't know right now. This whole thing is weighing on me and I don't even know what to say or do anymore. Her and I have had the same conversation more than once over the years. I try to be better, I try to engage more, and give more of my time, more of me than I already give, and then I slip back into old behavior patterns. As much as I love her, she can be exhausting. I have a career, a child, a boyfriend now and everything else that makes up life.
If I was the only friend that theses issues were with, then I'd likely say it's partly on me (and it still may be). However she has alienated and pushed away many others from her life because she cannot accept that they don't elevate their behavior to her own. I'm not talking about aquaintances either, I'm talking about people she's known for a long, long time. If she feels our friendship is to one sided, then that is her choice to feel that way - in some respects I do understand where she is coming from. She is the one who initiates phone calls; I've admitted being rotten at keeping up that end of the bargain. But my question is, so because I don't call that means I don't care? That means I don't feel in my heart that you matter in my life?? I'm not sure of the right answer here. I have friends I don't talk to often at all but I think of them daily and if they called me tomorrow/today and needed something I would do whatever I could to help. I'm not perfect, I've made my share of mistakes or screwups when it comes to friendships, but the people I care about hold special places in my heart and always will.
You would think, at almost 37 I wouldn't have to deal with this shit anymore. I just loathe drama of all sorts and disguises.
Monday, May 17, 2010
The winds are blowing in a different direction
I've been hiding. Sometimes I forget that it's possible to hide from yourself but I always end up being really good at doing it. lol But before I get to that, I need to update you on my life.
So. The ex boyfriend. Well, he's back. Sort of. I went to Northampton to visit him before his trip to Madrid. I haven't had that comfortable and easy of a day in a long time. My child and his children get along great. I love his kids. He loves Abby. We like each other. If a stranger saw us they would think we were a family. It was a great day and a hard day all at the same time. We get on so well and make each other laugh and set each other at ease. We parent the same way. Which sometimes can be tough. you meet someone great and then you watch the way they treat their kids and you are instantly turned off. At the end of this great day, Abby and I drove home. After she was in bed, I listened to some music, and I cried. I cried for a number of reasons but the biggest was that what I wanted was RIGHT THERE. Right in reach. Have you ever seen your future? I mean literally felt it deep inside? Like knowing something so completely that you can't know anything else? That's as close as I can describe how I felt when I came home that night. You know, looks fade. People change and turn into different pretty versions of what they were. But being able to have a true mental connection with someone is rare. That lasts. That sustains when all else disappears. We have that. So my frustration continued.
He left for Madrid. He called me and we talked. He had tons of time on the plane to think about life, about us, and he admitted to me that he is "totally crazy about me." the thing I've been waiting to hear for months. We talked for two hours and realized that we don't know how we're going to make it work, but that we miss each other. We don't like not being together. We want to be together. So the questions come. One after another in my mind. Big changes will happen. and it may be a year in the making, but the how seems sorta overwhelming, but I can't picture any other future in which he's not in it. Does that mean I'm in love? Is that what that means? It's been so long since those emotions existed in my heart. The past few years have been so clouded with pain. and frankly to think back to those days with the ex-husband and the bliss it brought me is still sometimes painful. Not in a way that cripples me, that's long since over, but it makes me wistful and grey.
The Dork, as I sweetly refer to him (and him to me), we have much more to talk about. But I do feel like a weight has been lifted off my heart. At least now I feel a little more settled. Even if I have no idea what the plan is. Funny how a couple weeks ago I wanted a direction or plan. Now I have a direction, no plan and I'm more relaxed. How does that fucking compute??
On another note, this weekend mom and I took Abby to Jersey City to see my sis and her roommates. All of us trekked into NYC to the Central Park Zoo. Abby was amazing. Seeing things through her eyes was fun. It was her first ride on the subway, and it seemed to her like a amusement park ride. Even hardened New Yorkers smiled at her and laughed. The hotel was great "Mommy are we still living at the hotel?" The Amtrak ride down was a thrill..and she was so well behaved. A complete trooper. It was great to see my sister and her roommates. My sis seems happy. I wish she would tell me more, but I don't push. I learned a long time ago it's pointless. I always figure if wants to tell me something, she will. I will wait. I just trust her judgement and love her lots. :-)
One odd thing that happened was that I had a minor panic attack on the escalators to the Path Train. So strange. I never really understood a Panic Attack. I do now. I mean its a fucking escalator. But I cannot explain how it felt. They were very steep and 4 deep. I looked up, and all I could think about was what would happen if I fell. I pictured myself injured, in pain, and screaming. It was horrid. That was it. I white knuckled the entire ride. After I went up and down those twice, I needed the elevator. I just couldn't do it. I don't think I've ever had that experience in my life. I literally had to do breathing exercises to get through it. Anyone nearby would have thought I was fighting off contractions. So, the whole topic of anxiety meds is back on my table. More decisions to be made. It was windy this weekend and I think that is an omen. For what, I don't know. Shocker huh?
So. The ex boyfriend. Well, he's back. Sort of. I went to Northampton to visit him before his trip to Madrid. I haven't had that comfortable and easy of a day in a long time. My child and his children get along great. I love his kids. He loves Abby. We like each other. If a stranger saw us they would think we were a family. It was a great day and a hard day all at the same time. We get on so well and make each other laugh and set each other at ease. We parent the same way. Which sometimes can be tough. you meet someone great and then you watch the way they treat their kids and you are instantly turned off. At the end of this great day, Abby and I drove home. After she was in bed, I listened to some music, and I cried. I cried for a number of reasons but the biggest was that what I wanted was RIGHT THERE. Right in reach. Have you ever seen your future? I mean literally felt it deep inside? Like knowing something so completely that you can't know anything else? That's as close as I can describe how I felt when I came home that night. You know, looks fade. People change and turn into different pretty versions of what they were. But being able to have a true mental connection with someone is rare. That lasts. That sustains when all else disappears. We have that. So my frustration continued.
He left for Madrid. He called me and we talked. He had tons of time on the plane to think about life, about us, and he admitted to me that he is "totally crazy about me." the thing I've been waiting to hear for months. We talked for two hours and realized that we don't know how we're going to make it work, but that we miss each other. We don't like not being together. We want to be together. So the questions come. One after another in my mind. Big changes will happen. and it may be a year in the making, but the how seems sorta overwhelming, but I can't picture any other future in which he's not in it. Does that mean I'm in love? Is that what that means? It's been so long since those emotions existed in my heart. The past few years have been so clouded with pain. and frankly to think back to those days with the ex-husband and the bliss it brought me is still sometimes painful. Not in a way that cripples me, that's long since over, but it makes me wistful and grey.
The Dork, as I sweetly refer to him (and him to me), we have much more to talk about. But I do feel like a weight has been lifted off my heart. At least now I feel a little more settled. Even if I have no idea what the plan is. Funny how a couple weeks ago I wanted a direction or plan. Now I have a direction, no plan and I'm more relaxed. How does that fucking compute??
On another note, this weekend mom and I took Abby to Jersey City to see my sis and her roommates. All of us trekked into NYC to the Central Park Zoo. Abby was amazing. Seeing things through her eyes was fun. It was her first ride on the subway, and it seemed to her like a amusement park ride. Even hardened New Yorkers smiled at her and laughed. The hotel was great "Mommy are we still living at the hotel?" The Amtrak ride down was a thrill..and she was so well behaved. A complete trooper. It was great to see my sister and her roommates. My sis seems happy. I wish she would tell me more, but I don't push. I learned a long time ago it's pointless. I always figure if wants to tell me something, she will. I will wait. I just trust her judgement and love her lots. :-)
One odd thing that happened was that I had a minor panic attack on the escalators to the Path Train. So strange. I never really understood a Panic Attack. I do now. I mean its a fucking escalator. But I cannot explain how it felt. They were very steep and 4 deep. I looked up, and all I could think about was what would happen if I fell. I pictured myself injured, in pain, and screaming. It was horrid. That was it. I white knuckled the entire ride. After I went up and down those twice, I needed the elevator. I just couldn't do it. I don't think I've ever had that experience in my life. I literally had to do breathing exercises to get through it. Anyone nearby would have thought I was fighting off contractions. So, the whole topic of anxiety meds is back on my table. More decisions to be made. It was windy this weekend and I think that is an omen. For what, I don't know. Shocker huh?
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Love is hard
That's a song title by James Morrison - the title is pretty self explanatory. Love does just what he says it does. Rips you up and spits you out.
For those of you who've watched "The Way we Were" you know how it ends right? The two lovers of different political leanings and backgrounds, who loved each other fiercely and with passion don't end up together. Every time I watch that movie I hope for a different result. I know the ending, I even understand WHY they can't be together. But I always want it to turn out differently. It never does. "Carlito's Way" is another movie in which I always want the end to turn out better. I want Carlito to live in paradise with his woman, to be the kind of man he feels he is in his heart. But they won't let him have that. I guess lately I've been hoping for a different outcome to my love life and amazingly enough it has yet to happen. lol. Luckily I can still laugh about it. Otherwise I'd be in the fetal position on the floor. I'm a pretty confident woman but things still rock me sometimes in ways that I don't expect.
On a related note, I saw the ex boyfriend today for the first time in 3 months. He looks good, and it was as comfortable as it always has been. My daughter was with me, and of course his kids were there. We had a fun, fun day together. You'd swear we were a family the way we all talk and joke with each other. The comfort level of things is so lovely and hard to match. How do connections like that happen? It's tough for my mind to overcome the fact that we aren't "together". I am frustrated beyond measure that I can't have that with him all the time. We broke up for a reason and yet everyday it feels like the dumbest thing ever. My heart hurts because I can't make the situation bend the way I want it to. We admittedly miss each other. I don't think I've ever felt quite this frustrated in my entire life. Seriously. How is it that what I want in life is right in front of me and I can't have it? I feel like the fucking greyhound going after the rabbit.
I have no idea what to do, or how to fix this. I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. I suppose everyone feels that way. I just would like to have a direction you know? Just once.
For those of you who've watched "The Way we Were" you know how it ends right? The two lovers of different political leanings and backgrounds, who loved each other fiercely and with passion don't end up together. Every time I watch that movie I hope for a different result. I know the ending, I even understand WHY they can't be together. But I always want it to turn out differently. It never does. "Carlito's Way" is another movie in which I always want the end to turn out better. I want Carlito to live in paradise with his woman, to be the kind of man he feels he is in his heart. But they won't let him have that. I guess lately I've been hoping for a different outcome to my love life and amazingly enough it has yet to happen. lol. Luckily I can still laugh about it. Otherwise I'd be in the fetal position on the floor. I'm a pretty confident woman but things still rock me sometimes in ways that I don't expect.
On a related note, I saw the ex boyfriend today for the first time in 3 months. He looks good, and it was as comfortable as it always has been. My daughter was with me, and of course his kids were there. We had a fun, fun day together. You'd swear we were a family the way we all talk and joke with each other. The comfort level of things is so lovely and hard to match. How do connections like that happen? It's tough for my mind to overcome the fact that we aren't "together". I am frustrated beyond measure that I can't have that with him all the time. We broke up for a reason and yet everyday it feels like the dumbest thing ever. My heart hurts because I can't make the situation bend the way I want it to. We admittedly miss each other. I don't think I've ever felt quite this frustrated in my entire life. Seriously. How is it that what I want in life is right in front of me and I can't have it? I feel like the fucking greyhound going after the rabbit.
I have no idea what to do, or how to fix this. I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. I suppose everyone feels that way. I just would like to have a direction you know? Just once.
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