Reflections and shit

Here we are. On the brink of another new year. Since I hate resolutions we just won't even discuss them. However I'm not against some reflection. this fall has been...odd. I left my apartment in September to move home. Every womans dream to move home with mom and dad at 39. We leave home with the intention of never living there again. Money can change that decision right quick. My apartment was becoming more of a burden than a joy, and since my child comes first, the next best choice was moving home. It's been an adjustment for my parents as well as me. Overall however it's been good. Doing our best to be respectful of both parties and not interrupt each others space. I'm paying rent to my parents because there is no way, in good conscience that I could have moved back here and not help out. Had I done that, I would have been taking advantage. The peanut loves it of course. Much for freedom to run outside and be a kid. Which is as good for her as it is for me. So the goal is that I'm not here forever. Save some money, get a condo or small house to call my own. We'll see how that goes. But that's the goal. Another fall change was my ex and his wife had a baby. A little baby boy who looks a lot like is sister. Little babies are so wonderful. They enter the world with no preconceived notions or knowledge of the ills of the world. I visited them a few times, held the little boy and marveled at how relaxing it is when its not your child! I placed him on my chest and his head was right under my chin, and he fell fast asleep. Breathing soundly, listening to my heart I guess. I really wish there was a way to bottle that sense of calm it gives me. Holding a baby like that is such a perfect moment. Brought me right back to holding the peanut and falling asleep with her just like he was on my chest. Its magic. It's so much good in a such a little package. I know I don't want to carry any more kids, but I'm more than happy to put one to sleep and cuddle them in a chair. The peanut is now 6 so she's not that small anymore. But I relish the time she spends in my lap and resting on my arms. It won't last forever. I have a limited window left for lap time. So it is nice to see her little tiny brother and hold him. It's not wierd to me, it's not odd. We are friends and actually, I'm glad of that. I'm glad we've managed to be so much better than the statistics. That was October. So after the birth of the baby, the end of October ushered in a hurricane displacing my sis and her roommate from Jersey to this little house. I can't lie, I liked having them here. I think it was good on a few levels. My sis got to spend quality time with her niece, who loves her sooo much. My sis also got to see the changes in our parents up close. It was good for her to see all that. But also, it was fun. We laughed a lot. We helped each other, she cooked some fabulous meals and we spent time together. I miss her when she isn't here, so thanks to such a devastating hurricane, I got extra time with my sis. It was good for both of us I think. Then before you know it it's December. Christmas shopping, working, running,running,running...my favorite time of year. However joyful it was, the end of the month was colored by tragedy. I live here in CT, so the tragedy in Newtown was especially close to home. It was felt by everyone in this state and all over the world. Everything I've done since that Friday is colored by thoughts of 20 6 and 7 year olds who no longer walk the earth. I look at my child, and I see other faces. I wash her clothes, brush her hair, tuck her in bed and I see parents who can't do any of that anymore. Even if they have other kids to care for, they are well aware that one child is missing. That there is another room they won't go to at night. How do you deal with that? As a parent how can you move forward? I don't know what I'd do. I've had rough days where I didn't want to get out of bed but I forced myself to move because I had to - because I had to work, to provide for my child - what happens when that child, who motivated you, no longer is there? How does one move forward from that? I just don't know. I'm so saddened by it. Such senseless violence. How does one decide to do that? I realize only a mentally deranged person would act upon such thoughts, but it pains me to imagine those poor children. The media is moving on from the story, and I suppose we are supposed to move on. But it's in my thoughts and while I'm happy, blessed and thankful, I can't let it go. I can't stop thinking of those children and teachers who lost their lives. I guess that's the lesson isn't it? To never forget so it is not repeated...and yet mental illness is still a tragic problem in this country and we see this type of tragedy more frequently. While they are all upsetting and sad, something about small children being senselessly killed that makes it horrific and numbing. I've tried to do something to make me feel better while also being helpful. I donated a little money, made snowflakes for the school reopening, and donated school supplies. What I really wanted to do, which i know was impractical, was go stand on a street corner and just give out hugs. I"m sure there'd be plenty of people thinking I was a wack job but hugs do help! They do make it better even if for only a brief moment. unfortunately that entire town will need to recover in that manner - moment by moment. In a smaller sort of tragedy but no less awful, my parents had to put down their dog of 12 years. A boxer who loved being a lap dog even though she was 60 pounds. A dog with a cast iron stomach who, in her life, ate everything she could get her mouth on. Butter, loaves of bread, bagels, cake, nylons, socks, meat, bananas..oh yea and dog food. She will be missed...that was right before christmas. Such a tough time to say goodbye to anyone let alone a pet. Saving grace of the weekend was my sis and her boxer Casey. Casey doled out extra love and attention to mom and dad. The house is quieter without the dog. It is odd to not see her on her bed, or paroling the area for food as she often did. Dogs are so loyal and loving. They fill a place in your heart that people can't. I think our solace has been that Bama is with those 26 children and teachers. Giving them love and companionship. Licking faces and sitting on laps snoring up a blue streak. RIP Bama. Christmas came and it was great. Family time, wonderfully cooked food, and sweet treats. But I do have one moment that stands out. I was about to open my gifts, as we do them one person at a time, and little peanut says, "Mom, wait, I'll be right back I have to do something." I was like ok. She comes back after a couple minutes and gives me a card. Plain white paper, and wrote on with a blue pen. It says, "Mom I love you so much" which was sweet enough. but when I opened the inside it said this "Mom you worked so hard to raise me. Love Abby." Well, I lost it. I cried. a lot. She ran over to me and climbed in my lap and gave me a big hug. I can't express adequately what that felt like. No one asked her to do that, she just did it. I looked up and my sister was crying, my dad had teared up and my aunt was crying. I felt like the grinch. My heart grew three sizes that day. She spelled a couple things wrong but who cares?! It was the most perfect card i've ever got in my life. I second guess myself all the time as a mom. Am I doing this right? Does she look ok? Does this match? Did I get her lunch packed? Did I give her enough hugs today? Am I teaching her enough? Worrying about money, and my job, and taking care of her, and all the while giving her the right amount of attention and space...that card made me realize that in her eyes I'm alright. I'm doing a fine job. She is so smart and sweet and lovely. I know that I'm lucky she's in my world. She makes me infinitely happy even when I don't feel it. Even when I cry out of stress and anger, even when I'm exhausted, she gives me calm and peace. It was by far the best gift I received. Last topic for tonight. The guy I'm currently seeing...or dating, or whatever the fuck we're doing. SO it's been what, 4 months? yea how do I end up meeting these really nice guys who have commitment issues? I mean he's a good guy, great heart and is nice to me. Likes me, cares for me, but yet can't seem to make real time for me, and when I say things like "I miss you" he says...wait for it... NOTHING. what?!?! yup nothing. when I say things like "I can't wait to see you" i get...nothing. Now it's not as if i'm asking for a love letter written in blood. Just some level of excitement would be nice. Something that indicates you might actually want to spend time with me. You know, maybe you, as a MAN could initiate it. I feel like i'm putting in more effort. Who knows I could very well be the asshole. Maybe i'm wishing for there to be more there that isn't. Maybe he's been super upfront from the beginning and I've just been ignoring it. He says he's bucking conventional wisdom and moving "slow". Ok slow is not really what we're doing - SNAIL'S PACE is more like it. I'm patient and impatient all at the same time. I just don't know what's going to happen here. 4 months and I feel like its no different than it was 4 months ago. Which is enormously frustrating as I"m sure you can imagine. Such is my life. So. what do I do? I have no idea. Move forward I guess. Suck it up and keep going. My issue is tiny compared to what some are dealing with I know this. So 2013 is around the bend and I'm not going to make any real decisions just yet. I think i'll let 2013 sink in a bit and then decide. Cause let me tell you, it's 6 months till 40. Till I party like a rock star. Celebrate life I say cause it's rare and precious and I'm amazed I've made it. We're all stronger than we think. Happy New Year everyone. Go be great.

Women of the world unite!

It was a 70 degree day today. Crazy that the end of October is closing with t-shirt weather. Thank you Global Warming. So much going on.... While I typically keep my political leanings to myself, these days my level of disgust with the political landscape is palpable. Partically with the discussions on womens rights. Which is amusing to me in the sense that why MEN are discussing what WE as WOMEN get to do with our bodies is just craziness. I'm not talking about just the election either - I'm talking about politicians making my rights as a woman their priority. So many times I've wanted to scream at the TV "Who the fuck do you think you are?" As a woman I deserve to have the opportunity to make decisions about myself and my body without legislation looking over my shoulder to say NO you can't do that. No one should tell me, option A and B are available to you, there is option C, but the government has banned that choice. Then how the fuck is it CHOICE if you've banned it? That is the entire premise behind being pro-choice - and not just abortion but everything in life! We are a nation of choosers. We have the freedoms we have because our forefathers decided that we did not have the choices we wanted. The Freedom to live and worship and work in a way we wanted. Even if you never use the options available to you, the fact that they exist is exactly the foundation this country was built upon. CHOICE. Option is what makes freedom wonderful. I have a vagina, a man does not. Until a man has a vagina, experiences a period and gives birth to a child, he has NO RIGHT to tell me how to care for my body. I certainly don't walk around telling men how to care for their dick. Along the line of this, the words of Senator Todd Akin “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.” are disturbing - you'd think he was a caveman. Never mind the fact that scientifically this is IMPOSSIBLE but it is also RIDICULOUS!!! The female body is an amazing mix of function and design, however if it were able to "shut things down" don't you think we'd have chosen that for other things? Like I don't know...say..the PERIOD??? I mean if my body had the capability to do that I'd be thrilled! Do you think women want to get their aunt flo every month?!? So to even suggest that the female body can differentiate rape is asinine. As many have said since those statements, rape is rape. It is horrible no matter how it occurs. Women should be able to vist any facility they want to, and be treated like human beings as opposed to victims. It seems to me Mr. Akin would prefer to keep us locked in a basement somewhere and fed food and water once a week. We women are better seen and not heard right Mr. Akin? Don't get me wrong - I'm not against Republicans. I have always said that if a republican candidate emerges who meshes with my views and the democratic contender stinks, I'd happily vote republican. But I have yet to see a republican who treats me, a citizen of this great nation with respect and concern. Until that day, I vote with whom aligns most with what I believe it. Regardless of who you cast your vote for, make sure you've done the research and they are helping you not hurting you. Because depending upon who you vote for, the rights you enjoy today may be gone in 6months.

Slightly obsessed with Frank Ocean

Frank Ocean. I can't.stop.listening. My sister, being cooler than me, and 8 years younger, and having lived in NYC forever, gets into things before everyone else.She's been in love with it for like two months now. She has a blog which I view daily, and she posted something about how much she loved his new album. I was like, "ok I'll have to check that out." I didn't. I've got the Spotify site on my computer, and every day, since like mid July, it suggests what I should listen to. "Channel Orange" sits right at the front. Finally I'm like, I should at least hear it. Well needless to say it blew my mind. I basically downloaded it to my phone the next day. I haven't stopped listening to it. I'm frustrated cause I can't discuss my feelings on the cd with anyone cause no one has it.lol I felt this way when I first heard the Avett Brothers. Nothing like them exists anywhere. Same with Frank. His lyrics are so deep and multilayered...he has a nearly 10 minutes song called "Pyramid". At first you think he's actually talking about Cleopatra and Pyramids, but then somewhere in the middle of the song, you realize he was dreaming. He wakes up to see a woman calling herself Cleopatra getting dressed in his hotel room...."She's working at the Pyramid tonight"...now you're like WHOA he's talking about a strip club..it's these layers of emotions that grab me. When I first read all the titles to the songs, he has a "start" and an "end". On first listen, it's just background noise. But he has this background noise inbetween some of the songs. After listening to it like a million times (still not enough) I realized what's going on and again was like HOLY SHIT...it's as if he's hanging out with friends...playing video games, turning the dial on the radio looking for another song, or the right song. So the entire album is an event. At least that is my take on it. I suppose I could be way off, but the more I listen to it, the more it feels like that. Seriously I just can't believe I never knew someone this amazing existed. He sings about his first love, which was a boy, and he sings about women. His love of both sexes makes him universal. Real and touchable. I guess my best suggestion to everyone is listen. Listen hard to something you've never heard before and be transported and transmuted.

Reflection and forgiveness

I've always liked the peacefulness of a cemetery. Don't get it twisted I do not spend free time having picnic lunches with the dead. But the solitude that exists there is something we all strive for. I mean how often do we all say "Ugh, I just need my brain to shut off." "I just need some peace and quiet." We say it all the time. Walk into your nearest cemetery and you've got it. For about the past month, I've been wanting to go visit my grandmother. I haven't been to her grave since 2008, when she passed. I typically have conversations with both grandmothers. I know, it sounds odd. But, for those of you who have lost someone special, you know what I mean. I've always believed that when a loved one passes, they may go to heaven, maybe a different place, but whereever it is, its a place in which they are their best selves. Driving now when they couldn't before, running, when legs failed them on earth, happy when pain made it so they were not. With husbands and wives they haven't seen in decades. So, on occassion, when I'm stressed, or frustrated or even when I'm happy, I say a few words to both grandmothers. "Nana, Memere, I need a break. Please give me something." or I ask them to look out for someone headed their way. "Ladies I need you to welcome in Barbara, she's had a rough go." They are guardian angels for sure. Today just happened to be the day I went to visit Memere. I had one or two things weighing on my mind today. One of which was my ex got married today. I'm happy for him, but it's still a bit odd. The other day I was looking through some things and I stumbled on our wedding invitation from 1998. I found the guest book. Awkward. So while I know we have both moved on in our lives, memories still exist. Anyway, I was on my way to do laundry at my parents, (laundry sucks. Just sayin') and who doesn't need a delay from that...So i drove to the cemetery and sat down at her grave. no one else was there- well except the other dead people, but they were pretty quiet. So i talked out loud. Told her I loved her, I missed her, and that I wish I knew what was next. I told her I wished i knew the answer to how she survived losing her husband after 10 years, and raising three kids alone. I asked her how she never met anyone else. I know that her husband Phillip was the love of her life, but I still don't know how she never wanted to meet someone else. Have more companionship, friendship and love. She never did. I cried some. Not really sure why. Just felt emotional. I told her I know she and Nana are always there for me, but sometimes it's hard and I wish they could tell me which way to go. The sky was grey and cloudy - thunderstorms getting ready to roll through. I sat in the humidity and stared at the blackeyed susans. Feeling the hot breeze while the hawks flew overhead. The nearest I've come to meditation of any sort in a long time. I left feeling a little less burdened. Oh and my laundry did get done. Tomorrow is a trip to Boston, Coldplay concert, some drinking, shopping, and bullshitting. The girls weekend myself and a best friend have been trying to plan for like 3 years. LOL ************************************************************************************ On the topic of my ex getting married again, I will say again that I'm happy for him. Prior to this, I was debating about buying a card. Do I get one? Is it my place? I'm not getting one. I can't do this. Don't be an ass, just do it. It's funny how many people in your head can argue. The Buddhist voice in my head who likes to get cards for people won. They really don't have a section of wedding cards for "From Exwife to exhusband". Maybe that's my future job. Greeting cards for the divorced. I mean all the cards were over the top sappy, and I'm not that type of person, and it didn't suit the situation. There wasn't even "from a friend". So I picked something generic and used my own words. The thing is, right after I gave it to them, I felt good. See I'm starting to realize something. True forgiveness of another person, whomever they may be, comes only when you start acting like it. I forgave myself a long time ago for errors committed during our marriage, and I forgave him, but taking that extra step and acting that way is hard. It's easy to listen to the spiteful bitch in your head - but that is exactly who that voice is - a spiteful bitch who operates from a position of distruction not rebuilding. The buddhist voice who suggests forgiveness is the one I need to listen to more often. She seems to know what I really want. So I listened to her again this morning when I debated about posting a positive well wish to my ex and his new wife on facebook. the voices in my head argued again, and I could hear her, quiet but strong. So, I posted it, and I felt better. Interesting I thought. I hope to hear her voice more often and I'm thinking she'll get louder each time I listen. Then she can step on each spiteful, critical voice and reduce them to what they are. Nothing.

Permanent Ink

So I'm finally getting a tattoo. Yup. After years of thinking about it, picturing it in my head, and talking about it, I made the appointment. For many years I figured I'd never get one cause I'd never be able to decide on what to get. I didn't want to just get anything and then years later someone asks me about it.."Hey why'd you get that tat?" and my response is "I don't know, I was sorta drunk and it seemed like a good idea." yea, that's no way to make a decision about something permanent on your body. After I had my peanut, I was convinced I wanted one. No more wavering. I set a goal - by the time I'm 40. (Hey tats cost money kids.) Plus I figured that would give me time to decide what I wanted, and where I wanted it. I knew I wanted something to represent my peanut. She is everything to me. sun, moon, stars. A few weeks ago, I was with a girlfriend who is getting one, and I went with her to make her appointment. While standing there, listening to them talk, I decided...fuck it. What am I waiting for? You know you want this. Go for it. So I made an appointment for myself. It will likely hurt, I'll cry and laugh, will probably have to pee midway through, it will cost to much, and I'll stress over placement. But so what? I want something to represent my daughter and my love for her. I've chosen a dragon. Inspiration comes from a dragon necklace I bought at a renaissance faire which I totally love. (I can hear my sister laughing right now. Huzzah!!) It is supposed to be a representation of Grendel, the dragon in the epic tale of Beowolf. I've always felt Grendal was wronged. She was protecting her young. I know, as a mother, if someone ever harmed my child, and god forbid caused her death I would become the vigilante hunter. There is no greater pain than the loss of a child - I would seek restitution. So the protective nature of dragons appeals to me. As for how to get abby in the picture - she suggested a rose. So it may be a dragon wrapped around a rose. We shall see. I'm culling pictures and I have one hanging on my fridge that I stare at daily. I love it every time I look at it. I figure if i still love it in another month, that's the one. As for where...I don't know. I want to be able to see it. My arm? my back? Unsure. I realize this is an important decision. No moving placement around once its started. So i'm trying to figure that out. Its become more and more important to me as the years pass. Not sure why, I just know that my child is everything to me. I asked my dad what he thought and his sage words of advice were, "Well...you have to live with it." Thanks dad. My mom is creeped out and afraid of disease regardless of the advances in sanitary disposal and cleaning of needles. She is convinced that I will contract some horrible infection, disease, life threatening illness. Doesn't matter how clean I told her the place is, how professional, that I know people who have gone to this artist..nope. No convincing her otherwise. I love the way parents think. I know, that some day my child will eye roll me, and sigh or shake her in head in exasperation over some dumb comment I've made. I'll back up some long held conviction and she'll look at me and go "WHAT?!" I know this cause I do this now to my own parents. I love them with all my heart. Defend them forever and do anything for them. But when I hear them say things that have no basis in reality I can't help but laugh and be like, "really?" But that is the way it is when we get older. Personally I'm excited at the prospect of getting old, being obnoxious and wearing crazy clothes, and people will laugh at me, get mad but ultimately go, "sigh, well she's old." Being a child or an old person can help you get away with anything.

Just a few things

Not really sure how to sum up the past 7 months. Let's see...highlights - joined a gym. Started eating healthy, went to two wakes, lost 12 pounds, car died, bought new car, fell off the wagon and starting eating poorly, and here I sit with a sinus infection. I'm always amazed how when looking at life you can sum it up in single words. Drill it down to pin pricks. So what to discuss...the wakes. I have to talk about it because it was painful. All within the span of a couple weeks. My ex husbands Aunt. A cancer survivor and battler. Cancer is such a scourge upon the people we know and love. Its similar to termites in my mind. You can eradicate them, and they might be gone, but if you miss some, they remultiply and tear through everything that matters to you. She was a sweet woman, and when my ex and I had first got engaged,she went out of her way to show how happy she was for us. When our daughter was born she had tears of joy while holding our little one. One day in March I think, I realized that she was more ill than I had thought. I was debating back and forth about going to see her. Was it still my place? Should I go? Yes I should go...and the back and forth in my mind. I finally decided if I didn't see her and say goodbye I'd regret it. So I went. I sucked it up and went. It was like I wasn't seeing her at all. I was seeing someone else. She was swallowed up by the bed, sinking into the blankets. She could barely speak. I got really close, kissed her forehead, told her I loved her, and that I was sorry for not seeing her sooner. She told me she loved me, and was glad I was there. I could barely hear her. It was a low whisper. You could tell the words were hard to get out. It wasn't long after that visit that she passed. I knew it. I think even harder than saying goodbye, was seeing her mother stand in the kitchen and cry. Then look at me and go "It isn't good is it?" What do you say? How do you tell a mother her child is about to die? A mother never loses hope that her child will live and thrive. A mother is not supposed to see her child go before her. Doesn't matter how young or old. So I hugged her. What else is there to do? The wake was terrible as are most wakes. All I could try and remember is that she is at peace. You know just because you get divorced, and are no longer a couple, it doesn't mean you forget all the people you spent 10 years of your life with. So I said goodbye. Then the worst part. 3 weeks later I think? her son died. He had battled drugs for years, and was not able to overcome those demons. Many of us think his mother took him - she worked so hard to try to help her son - all she wanted was for him to be sober - and I think the only way she knew that could be was for him to be with her. So it was painful to say goodbye to someone so young. So I saw my ex's grandmother again. So strong- but again how she had to say good bye to her daughter and grandchild..not right. To much death all at once. So all this death always makes one reevaluate life. So you start looking at where your going, what are your goals...and I was doing well with the working out and eating well. Proud of myself for losing 12 pounds! Such a big deal for me. I haven't lost any weight in years. and I've been loving the gym I'm going to. My trainer is supportive, and yet gets on my ass to keep moving. Then my car thing, and my dad went in the hospital for a week, and I just started to emotional eat again. and still work out. But it's a spiral. and the voices start coming in. You can't do this. You've never been able to do this. You don't know how to be committed. You can't overcome who you are. Just accept that you'll never be fit. Just give up. Then, another voice moves in. My mother. Since I began this exercise plan, I get the critical. I get the occassional word of support, but overall, it's "Can you eat that?" "When's the last time you went to the gym?" "You don't seem to be following the plan." "I don't think you can eat that." It's funny how tone can change everything. I know her intentions are good, but I don't need that from her. I need positive support. I don't need to be criticized cause I do it to myself enough. I don't need to be looked up and down. I mean I have to look in the mirror at myself. Doesn't matter how sexy I might feel, or how much I love my curves, I can see the areas that I don't like. I don't have a tight stomach. It's soft. lol. There is a roll or two in places i wasn't sure could roll. So believe me I cast that critical eye better than anyone. But I also have high self esteem. I believe in myself. I know how strong I am. I believe I'll get to where I want to be even if it takes me forever. I do love myself and all my flaws. Have you ever run your hands over your body? Have you ever touched your skin? Like really touched your skin from face to toe? I have. I have a favorite spot. When I lay on my side, or on my back,I run my hand down my side to a spot right by my hip bone. It's a curve, a little hill, a place to rest. Appreciate the skin you're in cause it's all you have. I've learned to love the parts that give me the most frustration. But I'm a work in progress. I'm ready to get back on track. To get back on plan. I have to push the voices aside. Push them away. Make them silent. Call them what they are - FEAR. SELF DOUBT. So, it begins again. So to back up a little, in June my peanut graduated from Kindergarten. How did that happen? How did my child turn 6? How did we reach this stage? I rocked her to sleep, I remember the day she was born and placed on my chest. There I was, sitting in the gym watching her smile and walk to the bleachers. She had a reading part. So to all these parents, and teachers and other kids, she had to welcome us all to the graduation. She smiled, she read perfectly, and I cried. I cried that she was so brave and so grown up in this little body. It was amazing. It also made me realize that not being overprotective, and letting her fly has been the right choice. Helping her believe in herself. So, first grade in the fall. Craziness. She is nervous, and worried. I have a little thinker on my hands. Trying to help her not think right now and just have fun. Summer is meant to be full of fun. There is some fun ahead for me. Boston in a couple weeks with a best friend, Northampton with another best friend in August, then Springsteen in September!! Oh I cannot wait for that. Taking my sister as a gift, and might be turning it into a whole weekend with great friends. Who knows what else lies ahead for the fall. As for the dating landscape...oh that's a whole nother blog entry. lol We'll see how much energy I have for that one.

Open up the windows

I think last January I had basically given a straight up fuck you to resolutions. Swore that it only promotes failure as opposed to success. I still agree with that. However 2012 has ushered in some interesting things to contemplate.
Work is going well - busy though. Of course it's always fun to start a new year with a company wide announcement of staff cuts. Nothing makes the employees happier. My company has many offices in the US and Europe. Europe is being hit worse apparently, but that is no solace to those of us who spent most of November and December working saturdays and doing weekly overtime to make sure production goals were met. Oh and did I mention the salary freeze? Yea that was another kind gesture from executive leadership. Cost of living increases, and our pay does not. I'm trying very hard to not complain - I know I am one of the lucky ones to have a job. Trust me I value it immensely. I do not take for granted the fact that my life would be very different right now if I was not working. But I think the thing that makes those announcements difficult is the tone in which they were delivered. There was a joke or two. Laughter even. Seemed...grossly inappropriate in my eyes. Like many of my coworkers, we are calculating car payments, rent, mortgages in our heads while executive leaders discuss bonus structures behind closed doors. As a single mom, living in an apartment with her child, laughter was not on the top of my list of things I wanted to hear after those announcements. It became clear to me after that call, that no one is safe and comfortable, and a plan needs to be put in place. I have to prepare for future possibilities. That's scary. I love my job. I love where I am - while part of it is in my control - type of job i do, performance, etc - the decision for me to stay or go is not up to me. So I must take care of me and ultimately my peanut. I hope the plan I come up with I never have to use.
In the middle of all these changes, I met someone. Not just anyone. But a man who made me feel something in my core that I forgot existed. I'm sure unless you are living in a cave you have heard of the show The Bachelor. It is guilty terrible tv watching for me. I know this. I watch it anyway and enjoy the train wrecks. I always felt that it seemed so crazy that these women could fall for a man they barely know, and claim to love him or have a deep connection. Until it happened to me. The man I met, I fell for hard and fast. I've figured out that what it was is this - he showed me everything I wanted. I'd been spending months if not years telling myself that I could either live with less, or that I wasn't going to find that. He opened up a window and basically said, look outside it's all right there. Then just as fast as he offered it, he took it back. All of it. Told me he could not give me what I needed - he needs to work on himself. I won't give out all those details here, but I will say he has a history of mistrust, for good reason, and goals that he wants to achieve. He wants to figure out how to love himself in a way he did 8 or 9 year ago. I wish he could balance those goals with a relationship but he can't. So while we have that deep connection, and a million things in common, and a intimate compatibility, we can not be. We let each other go, we got back together, we let each other go, we got back together - 3 times if I recall right, and I've never been a big fan of rollercoasters. I can honestly say that seeing him go, was more pain than I've felt in a very, very long time. A gut wrenching tear filled mess. To my friends who care for me, I know that somewhere in their minds they are thinking I'm nuts, and that it can't be possible to feel that intensely about another person in only a matter of weeks. I propose this question - What if it is possible? What of love at first site? It has happened to many people and lifetimes have been built on those emotions. I am the first to admit I did not believe it to be something that would ever happen to me. It did.
We both said we would leave each other alone. He truly needs to work on himself. I know it's not bullshit and he isn't hiding another person in the wings - I know his history - he would never be that man. He just is a work in progress and I showed up at a time when he can't give me the type of relationship I want. Unfortunate to say the least. He did however remind me of some things that I think i forgot. One of my friends said to me months ago "Don't you want to be worth waiting for?" and I didn't truly get what she meant until now. While I value who I am, and I believe that I'm a good person with much to offer, I need to stop selling myself. Stop dating websites, stop all the nonsense used to detract from fixing myself in a real way. It's always easy to do the things you want and ignore the hard stuff.
I'm awesome, and worth every bit of another man's time. But I need to let whoever he is - find me. I can't make myself a commodity, a product worth buying. I'm better than that. I have a good life, and I need to find satisfaction in just living with myself. He reminded me that these are worth while goals to strive for. He did show me everything I deserve. He made me yearn again for true companionship and comfort. I have not felt that sort of yearning since I dated my ex-husband...a long time ago. While all this is painful and I'm sad, I also know it is the way it has to be and I'm trying very hard to embrace it. I'm fighting with myself constantly about reaching out to him and talking to him but I know I can't. I can't go back to "I want you" "I can't do this" again. It's draining and it hurts. So the self imposed dating break is on. He inadvertently reminded me that what I want is not going to show up because I'm searching. It will show up when I have truly let go of the chase. I'm not saying I'm shutting myself off to meeting someone down the road, but I'm not going to look for it. I'm not going to troll the internet for it, I'm going to just live. Enjoy my daughter, enjoy my friends, and get to know myself again because frankly, there have been times over the past 6 months that I've behaved like a woman I don't know. It's a window into myself that I don't like. Also I'm tired. I'm emotionally exhausted. I will recover, I'm tough. But this was hard on my soul.
I'll refocus on work, hopefully write more and figure some shit out. Refocus on my goal of home ownership. It's important to me and would be good for my little one. Buy a new couch. Teach myself how to make basic sushi.(it's an odd goal I admit but I think it might be relaxing to learn....says the girl who has NEVER done it before..) Get an oil change for my car. Do some things I've been ignoring because they all require work. The other thing this man I met talked about was Procrastination - which we both do on a regular basis - and that procrastination is sometimes used as a crutch for the fear of success. Which does make some sense. Fear and procrastination go hand in hand - I should know they've sat on my shoulders for most of my life.
I think the goal is still to have my life on a path by the time I'm 40. If not a unmuddled path, at least one that I can see.