Some things never change

Yeah...about that...so I had lunch today with two friends that I've known since 8th grade. The story of how we all know each other is long and convoluted. If I have reall time one of these days I'll go through it but here's the short version - we met at church youth group. Granted this was 8th-9th grade, and we did very little serious religious talk. We ate donuts and swore a lot. We had various youth group trips and caused harmless trouble wherever we went.
Kristin, one of the two girls I met today, was (and still is)lucky. She was the one who would dial in for radio contests and ALWAYS win. Like if you wanted tickets to something you called Kristin and she won them for you. It was crazy. That was just her luck. We lost touch for a while, but over the past couple years have since found each other again. She's a great person and hysterical. We found our other old friend through the magic of facebook, and hence today's lunch date. Kristin also has always had balls for lack of a better term. For a long time I could never talk to guys as I didn't have the guts. Kristin on the other hand, she'd do all the talking for you. So as is typical, I made some crack about the waiter being cute. That was all she needed. She managed to write my number down with a "call me" next to it for the waiter. I almost died. I"m 36 and in that moment I felt 15. Granted we laughed pretty hard about it, but I wanted to crawl into the floor. For god's sake he was likely way to young for me anyway. Like I even had a shot!!! LOL She kills me. So while I realized some people/things never change, I'm actually glad about that. I drive around and see things missing all the time that I used to love, or I used to go to, so it's nice to have some constants left.

My little peanut came home today from spending the weekend with dad. I missed her. Her hugs are the best. We read books, did horsey rides, and made each other laugh. She really amazes me and I can't believe she's going to be 4. Kristin said to me today, "Just wait till she goes to kindergarten, it's all over then." I can't even stomach the thought. School. Yikes.

A project of sorts is coming - me. A project of me. I need to start moving. The big E word - exercise. Typically moving a fork to my mouth is what I'm expert in however I need to do WAY more than that. I need to start by walking. and even if all I end up doing for the rest of my life is walking three to four times a week as a regular routine, that would be a milestone for me. See i go in and out when it comes to exercise. Push me to do it, as my ex used to, and I go the other way - i say fuck you I'm not doing it. Which i know is childish and counterproductive but true. My mom sometimes will mention it as well and again, it pushes me the opposite way. I almost need it to be completely silent for me to get motivated. Sounds weird, silly even, but when there are no voices in my head telling me what to do with my body I tend to move much better. I tend to be more motivated. The support of my friends - that's different. I need that the same way I need water. They push me in a positive way. Other than that, silence really is bliss.
So, that's on the horizon. Which means I need new sneakers.

VIB's

VIB...a term I will use frequently. Very Important Bitches. Yes folks that's what it means. Two of my oldest friends and I refer to each other in this loving way. I saw them both today and it was good. It's nice to hang out with people who know everything about you and still like you. One of them, Amanda (who is likely reading this) is moving to GA in about a month. Gina and I will miss her terribly. We know its for the best, it is what will make Amanda happiest, but we selfishly want her to stay. But being the friends that we are, we'd never make her stay. We love her to much for that. So, it gives us an excuse to plan a girls weekend and go visit. We want her to be happy and that's all we've ever wanted. So Kernal, go get em. :)

Currently I'm watching The Black Crowes on dvd. I've seen them many times live, so this is to tide me over until they come around again. I've got to say, they are lovely. I know there are many of you who feel they are hippie rock, and out of touch, etc. but I love them. The blues rock style, the emotion in Chris Robinsons voice will always make me happy in my heart. See, if a man could sing like that in my ear, I'd melt right into the floor. Literally. I'd likely be his forever. lol Something about that growl, that deep feeling that just makes the hair on my neck stand up. Like listening to Al Green sing or Sam Cooke, or Aretha Franklin. I mean certain songs just make you melt or feel empowered or strong or weepy. I'm always so impressed by those who have the talent to create music and write lyrics and compose something that can move people or an entire generation. Like sometimes hearing one song takes you to a place in life that you haven't been in a long time. Depending upon the situation, it can make you feel good, or it can bring you to a place of pain. Either way, its a memory- and as I've always said, it's all about the memories.

Oh an update on the job thing - it appears it's going to happen. So one step sideways to climb up the stairs. Management is supportive, and it appears it's truly the right time. So in about a month I should be back in licensing. Which is more my home I think.

and as for the life choices - I had a full on meltdown this week - and I laid out for the guy I'm dating all the things I need in order for this to work. So, now it's up to him to put some action behind his ideas. Otherwise, they are just that, ideas. I need to feel emotionally connected to someone in order to be able to put up with the bullshit that exists - working all the time, not going out, not doing stuff. If you give me something to hold onto, then maybe I can hang, and I can make it worth it. But if you give me nothing - that's when the eyes/mind/heart start to wander. It's just the truth. I'm not ready to let him go, but if he doesn't give me more, then it's time to move on. So, we'll see.....next chapter please....

backwards to go forwards..again

So, i've been remiss not updating my adoring 4 fans! I love you guys. Don't ever forget it. So, I've said before that you have to go backwards sometimes to go forwards? Well it appears thats what I'm going to be doing - at work. Or at least I hope so. I know the goal is usually upward mobility, however I want a lateral move. I started out in one position, was asked by upper management to move to another way more math related position (and for anyone who knows me, math and I don't mix). I did it cause you don't really say no to a senior VP. but I miss the other job. It's not rose colored glasses or anything, I truly miss it. SO, there is an open position and I interview for it tomorrow. I hope all goes well. I need this change, I'm looking forward to the change. SO, keep fingers and toes crossed people.

In other news, little miss abby is in a big girl bed. When did she get old enough for that? I remember rocking her to sleep every night. She loves the new bed. She looks so tiny in it, (its a full) but she needed it. It's time. My little peanut is getting older and smarter every day. It's scary. She told me this morning she wants to be a paleotologist (I know i spelled that wrong) - digging up dinosaur bones. I was like how does she know that word and what it means?!? Unreal. She amazes me sometimes. ok, all the time.

Still mulling over life choices - I haven't come any closer to a conclusion. I almost feel like I'm moving farther away. But, I keep mulling it over and I know that at some point, my gut and my brain will reach the same decision, and I'll know what to do. So for now, I'll finish off the bottle of wine in the kitchen.

Choices

There are far to many. I'm not talking about the day to day stuff - that's done on autopilot. I'm talking about life changing choices. You meet someone great, you're together for a while then while in the middle of something good, an old fix comes back to tempt you.
It should be easy. It should be simple to say I'm in a relationship who cares about the old flame? The thing is, if the sex hadn't been great, this choice would be easier. That's the bottom line. If sex is terrible you can always tell that person to go knock on someone elses door - someone who cares a lot less about bedroom quality. I on the other hand put high stock in how I get satisfied. I know, TMI for many of you, but let's be honest here - IT"S IMPORTANT. To say otherwise is a lie. I don't want to compromise that. A lifetime of shitty sex is no way to live. and I'm not saying the current situation is shitty sex - it's good. I want great. So while the dating situation I'm in right now is good, there are little things nagging at my gut. and this really pisses me off cause my gut is always right. You ever want your gut to be wrong? You ignore it, pretend you're hearing things or not really feeling it, but ultimately, your gut makes itself heard. I like the guy I'm dating. He's nice, smart, he's funny and sweet to me, and takes care of me....but...ah the proverbial BUT....what to do.
I pushed off the temptor for at least a week. He isn't offering me any more than just sex and a "maybe". Ultimately that's not enough to make me ruin something great I have started. I don't know where the current dating situation is going to go, but for right now, it's as much as we can both handle. But there is something missing. My gut is telling me so no matter how much I want to ignore it.
I should be able to just say "no" right? Why is that not the case? Why can't I do that? I haven't seen him in 9 months, and only just recently texted - but the texting suggestions were enough to make my mind wander. Choices. Such a bitch and never as cut and dry as you think.
As I stated in a prior post, I'm terrible at waiting for what I want. That's half the issue here. I know what I want, I know what I need. I don't want to wait for it. I want it now. So far, no one is offering that up. Which makes me look around corners and over my shoulder for what's next, and what's behind.

Stuff

Ok, so it's clearly been a few days since I've written. Busy at work, busy at home and frankly to tired to think. lol
So, I'll take a few minutes while my daughter swigs down her cheerios and milk. Gotta love cheerios.
I woke up today with a splitting headache. I don't know what its about, but there is little worse than waking up uncomfortable. I'm hoping the giant cup of tea I'm having right now will take care of that. and maybe some Dayquil for good measure.

Side note - it's tough to write while "Schoolhouse Rock" plays in the background. All I can hear is "Electricity, electricity"...(sigh)

Ok so work. Work is good. busy, but I'm feeling a bit frustrated. I need to try and lay back and just work hard and do it well, but I want to do more, and finding the niche where I fit is tough. There will be potential for opportunity over the next year, but getting there is I guess the hard part. I'm terrible at waiting for things. I want everything yesterday. It's a cross I bear. I'm also dealing with the fact that I work in essentially in a high school. The in office drama is crazy. I'm 36. I'm to old for this shit. The cool kids table the preferential treatment to some and the holding back of others. It's ridiculous. and unnecessary. I think the whole concept of virtual work is better in the sense that there is way less crap to put up with cause you aren't faced with the juvenile behavior of your coworkers. Actually I take that back - I don't want to put down kids. I know kids who behave better. Idiotic behavior is better. The funny thing is even with all the drama, I love my job and i like going to work. Lots of thoughts floating in my head. I spend 8 or more hours a day with these people, I should be able to be friends with whomever I choose. It's funny that senior management doesn't view it the same way. Although they overlook some things...Ugh. I'm rambling now. lol

Well, I gotta get Miss Abby dressed so we can head to Nana's house. I'll be back later. Maybe I'll be more coherent then. lol