So here we are. A week away from Thanksgiving. November did not start out the way I had thought it would. The very last saturday in October ushered in Storm Alfred. Oh the joys of living in New England...A Noreaster of epic preportions that dumped many inches of heavy, wet snow. Since the trees hadn't lost their foliage, this resulted in downed trees, power lines and of courses outages. Our office was without power for a week. I didn't have power for about a week myself. It was so odd to wake up and not go in to work. I got a fair amount of cleaning done, but it still seemed wrong even though logically I knew I could do nothing about it.
I spent a lot of time at my parents house (they survived me and I survived them thank god) and we all talked about power outages and processes, etc. My dad having been a lineman, I remember what it was like to watch the snow come down and know my dad was out in it, fixing things in the cold, making things better for people. It was hard sometimes cause I just wanted him home. But he had to work. Sometimes he'd be gone for 3 or 4 days and I'd ask my mom, "When's dad coming home?" and she would shrug and say "I'm not sure, maybe tonight." So over the week without power, we talked about things, remincesed and I spent time preaching the truth to my facebook friends. Everyone was angry and mad about not having power and were demanding it be fixed asap. I get why everyone was frustrated, i totally do. Not having power blows. But I have always tried to view it in this manner - I have a home. I have blankets, and sweaters, and water, and food...what about all those people braving a horrible storm who have nothing? Who have no place to live? So, I count myself lucky. Dad told me a couple of interesting stories from his line days. One in particular I thought was interesting. He was working one Thanksgiving. (which by the way he did a lot back in the day - being on call was no joke - you get called, day or night, 7pm, 3am you went in) He went out to a house to fix a connection. The husband came out of his house, and started yelling at my dad. "Boy you must just LOVE this! working on a holiday! What are they paying you? Triple time for this? Unbelievable what they pay you guys!" blah, blah, the guy went on and on. Can you imagine? He's just trying to do a job. But see this is the thing that gets me mental about power outages. People get pissed about the situation, but who takes the brunt of the customers anger? the guy on the street. It doesn't matter how you cloak your frustrations, ultimately thats who you are mad at. Fix it faster, fix it now we of little patience these days... So anyway, my dad looked at the guy and said, "Is your family in there? Are you having thanksgiving dinner? Sir, I'm just trying to fix this and get home to MY FAMILY. Don't you think I'd like to be home right now?" Apparently the guys wife came out of her house and ripped her husband a new one. Good for her I say. Bottom line - we all made it. Abby was a complete trooper and never complained once. Kid is amazing.
School is going great for her. There are hiccups along the way, which I expected. My child has done one or two things at school that surprised me. The good stuff - that's what you expect from your kid. It's the wierd, semi- bad behavior that always throws ya. One day she was hot in the classroom. So she took off her jumper and hung out in her shirt and tights. Then refused to put the jumper back on. Who does that?!? I couldn't help but read the teachers email and be like WHAT? Why is my child being so willful? I guess it's what 5 year olds do but still...and of course the grandparents all laugh and think it's just hysterical. That's what grandparents are supposed to do I've come to find out. Spoil them and laugh and do whatever they want for their grandkids. So amusing. HA. So we all had a talk with Abby about not taking clothes off at school. You'd think it would be a given but apparently no. sigh.
Then most recently my daughter turned to another kid in school and said "I'm going to punch you in the head." Again another moment where I read the teachers email and just was like WTF?! I guess when questioned she said "I thought it was funny". Ok, on what planet? Maybe while watching Spongebob, or some other wierd cartoon she got the idea that it was ok to bop someone on the head. So then we launch into a discussion about why that wasn't funny, why you never hit someone or threaten. She felt bad, but still said she just thought it was funny. sigh again. I mean she's never seen behavior of that kind exhibited anywhere! One of my friends suggested it was good that she at least warned the kid before she was about to pummel him...luckily she didn't get the chance. She's willful, determined, smart, hates change, and a bit sneaky. But overall, she has a big heart and loves people. She just gets very frustrated when things don't come easy to her. She expects she should just know how to do everything perfectly the first time around with no practice. - I wish. I wish I already knew how to do all the things I dream up. Like you wake up one day and automatically have the skills to perform difficult martial arts manuevers, or play guitar like Zappa or sing like Ella. She will learn that practice is a part of life and not everything is easy. In fact very little in life is easy.
It's so hard to parent to that perfectionism though cause I was never like that. Not that I didn't have expectations for myself, but I just accepted early on that everything was going to be work for me. I always knew that I'd have to study, I'd have to double check things, I'd have to use my fingers to add. Not to say I'm not smart, I'm damn smart, but I'm not gifted in that knowledge is hard fought for me. It's not an automatic feed.
Parenting is fun, and stressful and can be overwhelming. A friend of ours just announced they are pregnant with their 6th child! I was floored. I have enough issues handling the 1 kid never mind 6! It baffles me how parents do it. But I guess you just figure it out. What's one more kid after you've had 3? I have a great close friend who has a kid older than Abby, and we trade stories and marvel at how much alike our kids are even though their ages are so far apart - Abby at kindergarten the other a 4th grader. But it makes me feel better to see a glimpse of what the road ahead is like. It's comforting to know that she will navigate the challenging things, she will move forward - she will somehow, even if she hates it, adapt to changing landscapes. You try so hard not to fuck up your kids. You make night time vows that you'll be different than your parents. Your parents try and save you from making the same mistakes they made but guess what? You're likely going to make a whole set of brand spankin' new mistakes. They won't be the same ones as your parents made with you, cause you've already lived through those and have vowed never to repeat them. But the ones you make now will be all your own. I try to be sure they are small..I'm trying not to "go big" on the number of years my kid will be in therapy.
I've also dipped my toes back into dating. Oh for the love...it's got worse I think. It's been three years since I've done the online dating thing and frankly I think the pool from which I'm looking is worse. lol. I mean if you go on a date with a man isn't there some expectation of decency? Like wouldn't it be common courtesy to be fucking sober for your date? One would think so...apparently not. he admitted to doing shots and such with a friend at Chili's before our date. Nice. So I get a half lit half wit by the time I show up. It doesn't matter that you look good or smell nice, You could be the hottest guy ever but if you're drunk - no thanks. so that was interesting. Then, on another occasion, I was driving to meet someone for a date, and while they are attempting to help you with directions, on the phone, they proceed to yell at you. "HOW could you have missed that turn? What's WRONG WITH YOU?" wow. I didn't realize that Hitler was still dating. I mean COME.ON. and if another guy asks me what my chest size is, or what I like to do in bed I might just scream. While those things are important, I want a man to want to actually KNOW ME. Someone who wants to know who I am. I didn't think I was asking for to much but apparently I might be. I might need a break from all the idiocy out there. The thing is, I don't know how to be this girl with a filter. When a man is talking to me and asking me questions, I'm honest, I answer. but then they think I'm only interested in sex or all I care about is one thing - I care about many things. I don't know how to shut myself off and only deliver one side or one part. Every emotion in me is out there. I am who I say I am - and I want someone who loves all of that in me. Like no one is going to meet me and be like "wow she's nothing like she said". I don't know. I'm just feeling incapable of figuring this out.
I have all this confusion in my head, then I go to my parents house, and I see red roses on the table and in the living room. I was like, "aww dad got you flowers?" "yup he did." dad says, "Yea, I thought your mom could use them. I bought them for her cause I just love her." and my mom looks at my dad and then me and goes, "I just love him too." I instantly wanted to vomit and cry all at the same time. I love watching them together and I also want to swiftly bang my head against a wall. These are my rule bearers. These are my standards for the world of love. Two people who likely drive each other nuts at times, but have been married for 42 years this month and would take a bullet for the other in a second. So I make a crack and say, "ugh that's so sweet, no man is buying me flowers! haha". everyone laughs. flash to a couple days after that, and Abby brings me yellow roses. My dad felt bad, cause he thought I felt bad, and figured I deserved to have flowers too. So he bought me roses. I almost cried. See when I talk about what a "man" is, I don't mean the flowers. Well he got flowers so that makes him a man? No. I mean the thoughtfulness. The sensitivity to others. The selflessness of his behavior is what makes him a man. He understands that the smallest gesture can have the greatest impact in someones day or life. It's taking the time to consider another person over what YOU want. That is being a man. My standards are what they are cause I know it exists. Someday I'll find that. I hope. and if not, well, at least I have my toys. HA!
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Friday, September 9, 2011
Feeling Minnesota
It's been a foggy couple weeks. The little one started school. She was excited and ready to go. I was excited for her but apprehensive naturally. Her dad dropped her off at daycare that morning - we wanted her to have the full experience of riding the bus to school and being dropped off. Granted she didn't have to ride far, but it was still so amazing to watch. As the bus pulled up, I saw her little face in a seat bigger than her. She was waving at us and smiling. How is it that when you give birth to a child, time moves forward at a pace your brain is never ready for? Things happen before you have time to fully process the event. So there I was, standing in the school yard walking behind my child while she was lead to the welcome area for kindergartners. She walked in the school and that was it. Day moves into day and it becomes normal. That first day of school I was pretty good. I, amazingly, didn't cry. Not sure why. But I was in quite a fog that whole day. I managed to wait until the afternoon to call daycare to be sure she got off the bus ok. Of course she was fine. In her words, "School is awesome!!" Of course it was.
I now officially have a school age child. How strange is that? I think back to the days when I didn't want kids at all. When I thought the concept of being a parent was far to overwhelming to handle. The words "lifetime commitment" bouncing around my head. She is worth it. I think I told Jay today that we made a great kid. No matter how our marriage turned out, we created a great person that is only getting better with every day. that's a tremendous achievement.
We've had some tumultuous weather here. A hurricane, some calm, and then another week of rain. I've reached my limit. The grey days weigh on me and shift my mood. I'm typically a happy glass full kind of girl. Weather like this makes me grey and low. I try then to counter that mood with music. I usually choose one of two routes - equally grey music so I just sink right into the mood until the sun appears. Or, I go for hard rock, or fun pop music to help break through to happier thoughts. I kind of did a mix. Listened to The Donnas, Clutch (of course), Billie Holiday, Matt Kearney, AC/DC, etc. So you see I was more floating in the middle. Drifting between grey and sunshine. It worked.
Then, Wednesday I woke with some tooth pain, but it was mild. So I didn't worry about it. Went to work, and managed. Came home with the peanut, had fun, and managed some more. Somewhere around 1am, it turned into throbbing, searing pain. I got up, and it didn't matter that I was shoving 500mg generic tylenol in my body, it was painful. I couldn't sleep so I turned on the TV. As we all know, if you are up after 2am, the tv choices are suspect and usually bad. It's either home shopping channels, or infomercials or some terrible show on HBO about sex. Clearly I opted for the bad show on HBO about sex. It was actually called "Women on top". I watched it. It was the worst acting ever. but of course that's not the point. Pretty naked people having sex. Women in control. whatever. Side bar from the tooth story - just once I'd actually like to see a sex scene that is based on some sort of story. I know all you guys out there are like fuck the story who cares - but sometimes, a good story, with some intrigue and imagination is twice as hot as two people going, "Hi" "Hi" "let's fuck". I mean who comes up with this shit? I was bored frankly. My imagination is 30 times better than any soft drama porn some 4th rate director can come up with. As an example, I watched the movie "The Tourist" tonight. the storyline was...ok but not great. But it held my interest. Angelina Jolie is crazy beautiful and Johnny Depp is...so sexy. Neither one of them were naked once in this movie. or even semi naked. But the way they dressed, looked at each other, and kissed was so hot. It was sexy and dramatic and steam rose from wherever they went. I don't mean that every soft drama porn thing has to aspire to the likes of that but my point is elevate your work a little and it might go somewhere. argh.
but I digress....anyway I called the dentist office the next morning crying into the phone cause I was in so much pain. I called the ex to come pick up the peanut and bring her to daycare. I'm so glad we are friends. He was happy to help. So I went in on Thursday and they pulled the dead tooth. Now knowing myself, I should have pushed to be put out. but honestly I couldn't have waited another day. and knowing my teeth as I do, they are like the roots of a 100 year old tree. They don't want to leave my mouth regardless of how dead they are. I was shot with a lot of novacaine which didn't really touch the pain cause it was infected. Great. I cried, yelled, and they shut the door cause I was likely upsetting anyone else who had come for a simple procedure. Awesome. It's always good to know when you are frightening other people.
In the end, the dentist did a great job, and it while it was painful and I now resemble chip and dale, I feel better. 800mg ibuprophen helps along with 500mg. of penicillin 4 times a day.
So here I sit watching Palladia, my favorite channel these days along with NESN. Watching Radiohead. I think this new album might be worth getting. I really like the ethereal sound they've created with these songs. Fits my mood of late...oh now Soundgarden is on....love this channel.
Status since the breakup - well we've talked here and there. Emailed further explanations of how we feel and how that initial phone call was interpreted. on both sides. I've done my best to respect his wishes and stay away. I do want him as a friend, but I don't think he wants that right now. Breakups are never easy. It's funny how there are times you want to call that person and just talk about bullshit because you are so used to doing that. Used to them being a part of your everyday. You break up with someone and suddenly those things are all redefined and out of sync. Like he got me started on this supremely nerdy hobby of collecting coins. (stop laughing Danielle!) I keep telling myself its for future investment. The funny thing is...I like it. There are literally hundreds of coins out there that are amazing in terms of the artistry and level of detail. World coins, compared to US coins are beautiful. US Coins are fucking dull. Now I'm kind of hooked. As an investment, it is worth it to buy precious metals in different forms as the values of them will only increase over time. I wanted to call him the other day to talk about a coin i wanted to buy to see if it was worth it. Right now, I can't do that. Which is a shame but at the same time I understand why I can't. Someday maybe I'll be able to do that again. To be completely cliche, "Only time will tell". hate that phrase.
It's interesting that Soundgarden is on and I titled this post Feeling Minnesota. I've always related to that song. Not sure why. I think it's the opposites that exist. Feeling California..feeling minnesota...that's how the past couple of weeks have gone. Sunshine and grey. I'd prefer the sunny side of the block.
I now officially have a school age child. How strange is that? I think back to the days when I didn't want kids at all. When I thought the concept of being a parent was far to overwhelming to handle. The words "lifetime commitment" bouncing around my head. She is worth it. I think I told Jay today that we made a great kid. No matter how our marriage turned out, we created a great person that is only getting better with every day. that's a tremendous achievement.
We've had some tumultuous weather here. A hurricane, some calm, and then another week of rain. I've reached my limit. The grey days weigh on me and shift my mood. I'm typically a happy glass full kind of girl. Weather like this makes me grey and low. I try then to counter that mood with music. I usually choose one of two routes - equally grey music so I just sink right into the mood until the sun appears. Or, I go for hard rock, or fun pop music to help break through to happier thoughts. I kind of did a mix. Listened to The Donnas, Clutch (of course), Billie Holiday, Matt Kearney, AC/DC, etc. So you see I was more floating in the middle. Drifting between grey and sunshine. It worked.
Then, Wednesday I woke with some tooth pain, but it was mild. So I didn't worry about it. Went to work, and managed. Came home with the peanut, had fun, and managed some more. Somewhere around 1am, it turned into throbbing, searing pain. I got up, and it didn't matter that I was shoving 500mg generic tylenol in my body, it was painful. I couldn't sleep so I turned on the TV. As we all know, if you are up after 2am, the tv choices are suspect and usually bad. It's either home shopping channels, or infomercials or some terrible show on HBO about sex. Clearly I opted for the bad show on HBO about sex. It was actually called "Women on top". I watched it. It was the worst acting ever. but of course that's not the point. Pretty naked people having sex. Women in control. whatever. Side bar from the tooth story - just once I'd actually like to see a sex scene that is based on some sort of story. I know all you guys out there are like fuck the story who cares - but sometimes, a good story, with some intrigue and imagination is twice as hot as two people going, "Hi" "Hi" "let's fuck". I mean who comes up with this shit? I was bored frankly. My imagination is 30 times better than any soft drama porn some 4th rate director can come up with. As an example, I watched the movie "The Tourist" tonight. the storyline was...ok but not great. But it held my interest. Angelina Jolie is crazy beautiful and Johnny Depp is...so sexy. Neither one of them were naked once in this movie. or even semi naked. But the way they dressed, looked at each other, and kissed was so hot. It was sexy and dramatic and steam rose from wherever they went. I don't mean that every soft drama porn thing has to aspire to the likes of that but my point is elevate your work a little and it might go somewhere. argh.
but I digress....anyway I called the dentist office the next morning crying into the phone cause I was in so much pain. I called the ex to come pick up the peanut and bring her to daycare. I'm so glad we are friends. He was happy to help. So I went in on Thursday and they pulled the dead tooth. Now knowing myself, I should have pushed to be put out. but honestly I couldn't have waited another day. and knowing my teeth as I do, they are like the roots of a 100 year old tree. They don't want to leave my mouth regardless of how dead they are. I was shot with a lot of novacaine which didn't really touch the pain cause it was infected. Great. I cried, yelled, and they shut the door cause I was likely upsetting anyone else who had come for a simple procedure. Awesome. It's always good to know when you are frightening other people.
In the end, the dentist did a great job, and it while it was painful and I now resemble chip and dale, I feel better. 800mg ibuprophen helps along with 500mg. of penicillin 4 times a day.
So here I sit watching Palladia, my favorite channel these days along with NESN. Watching Radiohead. I think this new album might be worth getting. I really like the ethereal sound they've created with these songs. Fits my mood of late...oh now Soundgarden is on....love this channel.
Status since the breakup - well we've talked here and there. Emailed further explanations of how we feel and how that initial phone call was interpreted. on both sides. I've done my best to respect his wishes and stay away. I do want him as a friend, but I don't think he wants that right now. Breakups are never easy. It's funny how there are times you want to call that person and just talk about bullshit because you are so used to doing that. Used to them being a part of your everyday. You break up with someone and suddenly those things are all redefined and out of sync. Like he got me started on this supremely nerdy hobby of collecting coins. (stop laughing Danielle!) I keep telling myself its for future investment. The funny thing is...I like it. There are literally hundreds of coins out there that are amazing in terms of the artistry and level of detail. World coins, compared to US coins are beautiful. US Coins are fucking dull. Now I'm kind of hooked. As an investment, it is worth it to buy precious metals in different forms as the values of them will only increase over time. I wanted to call him the other day to talk about a coin i wanted to buy to see if it was worth it. Right now, I can't do that. Which is a shame but at the same time I understand why I can't. Someday maybe I'll be able to do that again. To be completely cliche, "Only time will tell". hate that phrase.
It's interesting that Soundgarden is on and I titled this post Feeling Minnesota. I've always related to that song. Not sure why. I think it's the opposites that exist. Feeling California..feeling minnesota...that's how the past couple of weeks have gone. Sunshine and grey. I'd prefer the sunny side of the block.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
New wishes for a new September
Recently my dad revamped the tree swing in the backyard of their house. The trees in the yard are old and tired, but there are a couple oak trees that are strong enough to hold a swing. I remember swinging on it when i was younger. He fixed it up for Abby. She's been asking for weeks to go on it, but my dad, ever vigilant on safety issues, wanted it moved to another branch as the one it was on was dead. So he did. He fashioned a new wood plank seat, and has made the best.swing.ever. I was standing in my driveway watching Abby and my dad. The swing is long, and the ride stretches into the branches of another tree. She was laughing and hooting the whole time. It was a fantastic and awful moment all at the same time. I was so emotionally overwhelmed - to watch her behave as I did as a kid - it truly is like watching yourself all over again. Seeing how you looked to your own parents. The awful part is knowing she's getting older. Knowing that there may come a time when this is lame. When this won't be the coolest thing ever. It'll be replaced by some gadget, or god forbid, a boy...yikes. Of course while this bittersweet moment was going on I also had a thought - I can't wait to go try it out. I love swings. There is something wonderful about the feeling of flying through the air. I used to swing forever. I tested it out, and sure enough my toes touched the leaves. I was laughing, and I could hear Abby laughing, and I felt so comfortable. Happy being in motion.
So in watching this and other fun summer moments, I'm now faced with the fading of summer and the beginning of a new chapter with my girl. School. She starts kindergarten this week. I remember nursing her as baby, sitting her in her high chair feeding her baby food, watching her crawl, and walk and all those milestones...always feeling like school was a lifetime away. That we'd never get there. Now Abby is getting ready to go to school. Ride a bus, have a teacher, make friends, learn to write and read...It's scary for me and exciting for her. On top of all my emotions about her starting school, my emotions about having a school age child divorced are there as well. I know it'll pass, but when I had Abby, I never imagined my life to be different. I never thought I'd be divorced before my child turned 3. I figured my ex and I would be together forever and sharing in all these moments. but the world changes and life doesn't always give you the pat setup you're looking for. So we coparent and coordinate and write down schedules, and create spreadsheets of days and times for pickup and drop off. I've adjusted, and moved on with my life but sometimes memories sneak in. They remind you of what once was, who you were. I've always said you can run all over the country to run from your past and from yourself but in the end it follows you. So I adjust. I think things out and figure out how to move forward cause there is no going back - as Robert Frost once said, "SOMETIMES THE ONLY WAY OUT IS THROUGH." Don't I know it.
Have you ever wished for something and then found out you wished for the wrong thing? I have. I'm not really superstitious, but there is one thing that I've always done. If you catch the clock changing to 11:11, you're supposed to make a wish. So for years I wished for my soulmate. My other half. My person to love and cherish. I met my ex. and for many years that is exactly what we were to each other. Till things fell apart. After that I put wishes aside for a time as some of the romance I had held for so long had shattered and broke. Then I started wishing again. For a man to not only care for me, but to take care of me. That was something I'd never wished for before. I changed the wish. Can one do that? When you've set your heart on something can you adjust the wish? Are you allowed to mold it? I got what I asked for. But what do you do when you realize it doesn't fit you? How do you deal with a half dream? In some respects I had got my wish. I found a nice man who was good to me, who took care of me, who made some of the thigns I worried about obsolete. I liked him as a person, I cared for him and his kids. I thought for a long time "this can work". I thought I had it in me to wait. To wait for a change in him, a time when he would be free enough to be the man I needed. The man I knew he wanted to be. In many aspects he was the wish in the flesh. But when needs aren't being met, when you know in your heart that you are sacrificing your true self then it is time to change. I broke up with him a week ago. It was hard. There was a sense of calm that started to settle in this week. I listened to my gut and I knew it was the right choice. As I've said sometimes the hardest choice is the right choice. I'd like to keep him in my life as a friend. Cause we do enjoy talking to each other and making each other laugh. But for now, we aren't talking at all. Space is needed i think if we are going to a place where we can be friends.
I'm readjusting my wish. To make it more accurate for what my needs and wants are. The emotional and physical connection needs to be there. The desire and passion that is possible is way important to me. I can't ignore that side of myself or shelve it. I can't pretend like those needs don't exist or are less important than the day to day. Cause they aren't. The end of August beginning of September is ushering in some new changes. Some I'm ready for and some I'm not.
So in watching this and other fun summer moments, I'm now faced with the fading of summer and the beginning of a new chapter with my girl. School. She starts kindergarten this week. I remember nursing her as baby, sitting her in her high chair feeding her baby food, watching her crawl, and walk and all those milestones...always feeling like school was a lifetime away. That we'd never get there. Now Abby is getting ready to go to school. Ride a bus, have a teacher, make friends, learn to write and read...It's scary for me and exciting for her. On top of all my emotions about her starting school, my emotions about having a school age child divorced are there as well. I know it'll pass, but when I had Abby, I never imagined my life to be different. I never thought I'd be divorced before my child turned 3. I figured my ex and I would be together forever and sharing in all these moments. but the world changes and life doesn't always give you the pat setup you're looking for. So we coparent and coordinate and write down schedules, and create spreadsheets of days and times for pickup and drop off. I've adjusted, and moved on with my life but sometimes memories sneak in. They remind you of what once was, who you were. I've always said you can run all over the country to run from your past and from yourself but in the end it follows you. So I adjust. I think things out and figure out how to move forward cause there is no going back - as Robert Frost once said, "SOMETIMES THE ONLY WAY OUT IS THROUGH." Don't I know it.
Have you ever wished for something and then found out you wished for the wrong thing? I have. I'm not really superstitious, but there is one thing that I've always done. If you catch the clock changing to 11:11, you're supposed to make a wish. So for years I wished for my soulmate. My other half. My person to love and cherish. I met my ex. and for many years that is exactly what we were to each other. Till things fell apart. After that I put wishes aside for a time as some of the romance I had held for so long had shattered and broke. Then I started wishing again. For a man to not only care for me, but to take care of me. That was something I'd never wished for before. I changed the wish. Can one do that? When you've set your heart on something can you adjust the wish? Are you allowed to mold it? I got what I asked for. But what do you do when you realize it doesn't fit you? How do you deal with a half dream? In some respects I had got my wish. I found a nice man who was good to me, who took care of me, who made some of the thigns I worried about obsolete. I liked him as a person, I cared for him and his kids. I thought for a long time "this can work". I thought I had it in me to wait. To wait for a change in him, a time when he would be free enough to be the man I needed. The man I knew he wanted to be. In many aspects he was the wish in the flesh. But when needs aren't being met, when you know in your heart that you are sacrificing your true self then it is time to change. I broke up with him a week ago. It was hard. There was a sense of calm that started to settle in this week. I listened to my gut and I knew it was the right choice. As I've said sometimes the hardest choice is the right choice. I'd like to keep him in my life as a friend. Cause we do enjoy talking to each other and making each other laugh. But for now, we aren't talking at all. Space is needed i think if we are going to a place where we can be friends.
I'm readjusting my wish. To make it more accurate for what my needs and wants are. The emotional and physical connection needs to be there. The desire and passion that is possible is way important to me. I can't ignore that side of myself or shelve it. I can't pretend like those needs don't exist or are less important than the day to day. Cause they aren't. The end of August beginning of September is ushering in some new changes. Some I'm ready for and some I'm not.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Promises and sickness
After being sick for longer than I care to remember, I think I can safely say I'm better. Strep throat is no joke and frankly I'm disgusted with my doctor. I realize that they prescribe medicine to treat you based on symptoms and exam but honestly - how can you prescribe incorrect meds for strep throat? Here's the deal: I had a bad sore throat and they gave me amoxicillan. After 10 days, I was sorta good but not quite there. I went back in, tested positive for Strep, and they gave me the same medicine. AGAIN. Took it for ten days, and was good for a day or two, then got raging sick again. Went to the medhelp clinic in my area, and they gave me different meds. CRAZY! and basically told me that amoxicillan is good for nothing. Great. So now, after another ten days of meds, I'm actually better. See, what pisses me off here, is that my primary doc should know my history. Read my fucking file and you'd know that sore throats are the bain of my existence. So don't fuck around. Give me REAL MEDS. Stuff that actually treats a bacterial infection. Which, by the way, is what Strep IS. I didn't go to med school and even I know this.
So my sickness ended in time to celebrate my peanuts 5th birthday. I can't believe she's 5. Where did 5 years go? We went to NYC to see my sister and trudge through the American Girl Store. For any of you who are unaware of what this is, it's 3 floors of little girl heaven. Dolls, and clothes, and furniture, and pets to go with the dolls, and a doll hospital, tea party, etc. It was mobbed with people. I've been hesitant for a while now to even get her a doll cause honestly she likes animals better than dolls. You have no idea how many stuffed animals we have. I've considered a stuffed animal apocalypse but figured that might not bode well for her future mental stability. But she started to show some interest in the dolls, so I figured that would be a fun birthday treat. She did love it - but, typical to her, she picked her doll, one outfit, and the cat pet, and was done in like a half hour. It's so funny how you can plan this elaborate event for your kid and they're bored in like 10 minutes. Or more interested in something you didn't plan on at all. I think the most fun abby had was throwing pennies in the fountains at Roc Center with my sis. I think Abby misses her. She loves her Auntie. It makes me happy to watch my sister and Abby. They are wonderfully alike, and they seem to understand each other which makes my heart happy.
Of course in the middle of all this fun, about halfway into our visit to American Girl, she turned to me and said "I want to leave NOW." So to avoid the meltdown that was T-minus a minute away, we left. Again the fact that she's 5 is amazing to me. She's going to start soccer next week, and school in the fall. How did that happen? My world is changing all over again. Now it'll be school events, homework, backpacks, soccer practice and running, running,running...But I'm excited for all of it.
On a separate but related note, my sister and I had a talk this week that made me realize that I've been doing something to myself that is unnecessary. Putting added pressure on myself where I don't need to. I'm very aware of the promises I make to my child. Like when Abby says, "Mommy I want you to take me to Sea World!!" I don't say, "Sure I will" cause right now, I don't know when I"ll be able to afford a trip like that. So I say I hope that one day I can do that. I don't want to give her false hope and have her be disappointed. It makes me mental when I hear about parents who do that shit to kids. Don't make promises you can't keep has always been my mantra in life and in work. I don't ever want to be the parent that doesn't follow through on the promises I make to my child. I want to always show her that I do as i say I'm going to. However, what I have to remember is what things are most important. My sis called it an "embarrassment of riches". Choosing between two great things is not breaking a promise. If I don't take my child to a movie or to an event, she's not going to be in therapy in 15 years going, "My mom never took me to see Tangled!" The promises I need to make sure I always keep, are when she NEEDS me. Like she wants me to be at her soccer games, or gymnastic practice, or when there's a school event that I SHOW UP. Or when the boyfriend breaks her heart and she needs a hug - or support to do the best she can. Drying her tears when she's hurt. Those are the things she will judge me on as a parent. Not whether we colored eggs or saw a movie. So, I realize that I'm being to hard on myself. My sister put it in perspective for me in a way I hadn't thought about. Thanks to her, I remember now what I need to focus on. Sometimes with all the running around and efforts to do the right thing, I forget what the real battles are.
So my sickness ended in time to celebrate my peanuts 5th birthday. I can't believe she's 5. Where did 5 years go? We went to NYC to see my sister and trudge through the American Girl Store. For any of you who are unaware of what this is, it's 3 floors of little girl heaven. Dolls, and clothes, and furniture, and pets to go with the dolls, and a doll hospital, tea party, etc. It was mobbed with people. I've been hesitant for a while now to even get her a doll cause honestly she likes animals better than dolls. You have no idea how many stuffed animals we have. I've considered a stuffed animal apocalypse but figured that might not bode well for her future mental stability. But she started to show some interest in the dolls, so I figured that would be a fun birthday treat. She did love it - but, typical to her, she picked her doll, one outfit, and the cat pet, and was done in like a half hour. It's so funny how you can plan this elaborate event for your kid and they're bored in like 10 minutes. Or more interested in something you didn't plan on at all. I think the most fun abby had was throwing pennies in the fountains at Roc Center with my sis. I think Abby misses her. She loves her Auntie. It makes me happy to watch my sister and Abby. They are wonderfully alike, and they seem to understand each other which makes my heart happy.
Of course in the middle of all this fun, about halfway into our visit to American Girl, she turned to me and said "I want to leave NOW." So to avoid the meltdown that was T-minus a minute away, we left. Again the fact that she's 5 is amazing to me. She's going to start soccer next week, and school in the fall. How did that happen? My world is changing all over again. Now it'll be school events, homework, backpacks, soccer practice and running, running,running...But I'm excited for all of it.
On a separate but related note, my sister and I had a talk this week that made me realize that I've been doing something to myself that is unnecessary. Putting added pressure on myself where I don't need to. I'm very aware of the promises I make to my child. Like when Abby says, "Mommy I want you to take me to Sea World!!" I don't say, "Sure I will" cause right now, I don't know when I"ll be able to afford a trip like that. So I say I hope that one day I can do that. I don't want to give her false hope and have her be disappointed. It makes me mental when I hear about parents who do that shit to kids. Don't make promises you can't keep has always been my mantra in life and in work. I don't ever want to be the parent that doesn't follow through on the promises I make to my child. I want to always show her that I do as i say I'm going to. However, what I have to remember is what things are most important. My sis called it an "embarrassment of riches". Choosing between two great things is not breaking a promise. If I don't take my child to a movie or to an event, she's not going to be in therapy in 15 years going, "My mom never took me to see Tangled!" The promises I need to make sure I always keep, are when she NEEDS me. Like she wants me to be at her soccer games, or gymnastic practice, or when there's a school event that I SHOW UP. Or when the boyfriend breaks her heart and she needs a hug - or support to do the best she can. Drying her tears when she's hurt. Those are the things she will judge me on as a parent. Not whether we colored eggs or saw a movie. So, I realize that I'm being to hard on myself. My sister put it in perspective for me in a way I hadn't thought about. Thanks to her, I remember now what I need to focus on. Sometimes with all the running around and efforts to do the right thing, I forget what the real battles are.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
The Ick
I've been sick all week. Nothing like a bout of Strep Throat to suck the life out of you. So it's been time on the couch, and time in bed, and countless hours watching dumb shit on tv. I actually sat through the entire movie "fast and the furious". For two reasons. Vin Diesel. and I was to exhausted to change the channel. The remote was across the room. The movie had terrible dialog, a weak story, and the action was...mediocre. But watching Vin Diesel in a wife beater drive a fast car? well, that was alright. What can I say? I'm a girl.
There are things that I miss about being sick when you are with someone. You know when you are sick, it's always nice to have someone crawl into bed next to you and hold you. To feel them breathing on your back, and making you warm. Having that person look at you and say "Baby, I hate that your sick" and then give you a hug even though he knows damn well he's gettin' it next. I miss having somone there to care for me even when I look and feel like shit. To be able to ask them to run to the store for kleenex, or medicine or ginger ale. (which is only good while your sick - why is that??) I don't have that anymore. I have to self soothe. It sucks to be honest. I miss giving that kind of love and kindness to someone else. Feeling each others foreheads to see who is warmer from fever. Comparing who feels worse, and what meds are you taking today? Still having sex even while sick because for that short time you'll feel really, really good.
But I don't have that. So instead, I will watch shitty tv, nap on the couch, and run a bath by myself and soak away my ick. Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself today. Being sick will do that to you.
So, with tears streaming down my face, I will go run a hot bath, soak in the bubbles, and listen to the new Adele cd for the 50 millionth time. At the end I will be through my mood and likely stronger than I was an hour ago. Please don't mistake this momentary contemplation for weakness. I'm the strongest motherfucker you'll ever meet. I may be sensitive, and warm hearted, and emotionally intuitive, but I can handle almost anything and survive.
I would just like some other arms to to wrap around me and make me feel completely invinceable if only for a moment.
There are things that I miss about being sick when you are with someone. You know when you are sick, it's always nice to have someone crawl into bed next to you and hold you. To feel them breathing on your back, and making you warm. Having that person look at you and say "Baby, I hate that your sick" and then give you a hug even though he knows damn well he's gettin' it next. I miss having somone there to care for me even when I look and feel like shit. To be able to ask them to run to the store for kleenex, or medicine or ginger ale. (which is only good while your sick - why is that??) I don't have that anymore. I have to self soothe. It sucks to be honest. I miss giving that kind of love and kindness to someone else. Feeling each others foreheads to see who is warmer from fever. Comparing who feels worse, and what meds are you taking today? Still having sex even while sick because for that short time you'll feel really, really good.
But I don't have that. So instead, I will watch shitty tv, nap on the couch, and run a bath by myself and soak away my ick. Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself today. Being sick will do that to you.
So, with tears streaming down my face, I will go run a hot bath, soak in the bubbles, and listen to the new Adele cd for the 50 millionth time. At the end I will be through my mood and likely stronger than I was an hour ago. Please don't mistake this momentary contemplation for weakness. I'm the strongest motherfucker you'll ever meet. I may be sensitive, and warm hearted, and emotionally intuitive, but I can handle almost anything and survive.
I would just like some other arms to to wrap around me and make me feel completely invinceable if only for a moment.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Where is the rulebook?
You know we've all watched those terrible movies in which divorced parents battle out their differences in front of the kids and then the kids are a mess because of it. See I don't have that problem. I actually get along with my ex, quite well actually and I get along well with his girlfriend. We don't have anything to fight about anymore. The thing I wasn't prepared for in all of this, was my child using her frustrations to say things that would make me feel terrible. Rationally I know shes 4 1/2. But when your child says things to you like, "I miss Daddy and want to live with him forever!" It reduces me to rubble. Of all the things that I figured would make me feel bad about myself, I never figured on this. I never expected to have this little person look me in the eye and tell me, "I love Daddy more than you!!" which was tonights little gem. Which ultimately makes me feel small. Makes me feel defeated. Makes me feel like a rotten mother - which i KNOW I'm not.
Let me back up and tell you what happened tonight. So I picked her up from her dads house - it was his weekend. We got home, and she was starting to play with toys, we both wanted to put on pj's, so she was attempting to remove her shirt on her own, well it was tight around the head, and she got frustrated. She screamed a bit, and then I pulled it off. She yelled, "I just wanted to do it MYSELF!!" which is fine, I encourage her to try things herself. But I also always tell her, if she needs help, that's what I'm here for! Just ask me and I'm always available. Well she ran into her room, started crying in her bed, and then told me that she loved Daddy and shelly more than me. She also wailed, "Why is my daddy doing this to me? He has to come and get me!" Which of course, broke my heart. I try and rise above the initial knee jerk emotion, but that would indicate I was more highly evolved than I actually am. I got silent, and sad. I told her it made me sad, but when she was ready to come out and see me, and be nice to me, I'd be here. I teared up, because it hurt. I work so hard to do the right thing by her, to make her happy, and content, that it made me feel like a failure. She finally came out of her room and gave me a big hug. Told me she loves me and that, "Even when I'm not here, and I'm at Daddy's, I always miss you and I'm always in your heart." Which is in fact true. But why I had to suffer through the "I don't like you" comments is what I don't understand. There is no rulebook to turn to - see page 58 for hateful comments by your child. But then I guess I have to remember neither does she. She's working through emotions she doesn't understand, and while she talks likes shes 15, She still doesn't know how to express what she feels in words. I don't know. Its tiring. I get worn out. Sometimes I think I really, really suck at this whole motherhood thing. Then sometimes I feel like I'm doing ok. I feel as though I might have this whole thing down. I do the best I can and I just hope she notices. I hope she realizes that there isn't anything I wouldn't do for her, she's my flesh and part of my soul. Just as much as she belongs to her dad, she belongs to be. I hope she realizes how hard we both work to make her happy. She will likely never really understand till she has her own kids. Same thing my mother always told me. "Wait till you have kids...then you'll know how it feels." She's so very right.
On another note, I saw the dork this weekend. Once again I'm no closer to decerning what his intentions are than I was a month ago. His daughter told me this weekend that he'd never move to CT. Great I thought. He still wants to build in his hometown which is oh so far away from where I am. I'm still waiting. Waiting for something to be different. Waiting for the man I believe exists in him to show up. While its difficult to wait, I'm doing it by choice. Knowing in my gut that none of this may ever work out the way I want. Maybe it will. I just don't know. I know in my heart I can't ever move to MA. Doesn't matter what I want, my choice is dictated by my child. (I talked about this in a much earlier post - when does it get to be my turn...however what I've come to understand more and more is when you have a child, your "turn" no longer exists until your child is an adult. If you are lucky.) Her life is here right now, and I can't move her far away from her father. It wouldn't be right, and it wouldn't be fair. So what am I waiting for? Good question to which I have no answer. He makes me laugh, he makes me smile and I do the same for him. We enjoy each others company and we love each others children. I guess for now that is all it is. I know he cares about me, and I about him. But beyond that, I have no idea where his head is at. He says if he knew what he wanted that would suggest he actually had time to think about it. He doesn't have that he says. So I keep waiting. I just have to be careful how long I do it for. Otherwise I may miss out on my actual life.
Let me back up and tell you what happened tonight. So I picked her up from her dads house - it was his weekend. We got home, and she was starting to play with toys, we both wanted to put on pj's, so she was attempting to remove her shirt on her own, well it was tight around the head, and she got frustrated. She screamed a bit, and then I pulled it off. She yelled, "I just wanted to do it MYSELF!!" which is fine, I encourage her to try things herself. But I also always tell her, if she needs help, that's what I'm here for! Just ask me and I'm always available. Well she ran into her room, started crying in her bed, and then told me that she loved Daddy and shelly more than me. She also wailed, "Why is my daddy doing this to me? He has to come and get me!" Which of course, broke my heart. I try and rise above the initial knee jerk emotion, but that would indicate I was more highly evolved than I actually am. I got silent, and sad. I told her it made me sad, but when she was ready to come out and see me, and be nice to me, I'd be here. I teared up, because it hurt. I work so hard to do the right thing by her, to make her happy, and content, that it made me feel like a failure. She finally came out of her room and gave me a big hug. Told me she loves me and that, "Even when I'm not here, and I'm at Daddy's, I always miss you and I'm always in your heart." Which is in fact true. But why I had to suffer through the "I don't like you" comments is what I don't understand. There is no rulebook to turn to - see page 58 for hateful comments by your child. But then I guess I have to remember neither does she. She's working through emotions she doesn't understand, and while she talks likes shes 15, She still doesn't know how to express what she feels in words. I don't know. Its tiring. I get worn out. Sometimes I think I really, really suck at this whole motherhood thing. Then sometimes I feel like I'm doing ok. I feel as though I might have this whole thing down. I do the best I can and I just hope she notices. I hope she realizes that there isn't anything I wouldn't do for her, she's my flesh and part of my soul. Just as much as she belongs to her dad, she belongs to be. I hope she realizes how hard we both work to make her happy. She will likely never really understand till she has her own kids. Same thing my mother always told me. "Wait till you have kids...then you'll know how it feels." She's so very right.
On another note, I saw the dork this weekend. Once again I'm no closer to decerning what his intentions are than I was a month ago. His daughter told me this weekend that he'd never move to CT. Great I thought. He still wants to build in his hometown which is oh so far away from where I am. I'm still waiting. Waiting for something to be different. Waiting for the man I believe exists in him to show up. While its difficult to wait, I'm doing it by choice. Knowing in my gut that none of this may ever work out the way I want. Maybe it will. I just don't know. I know in my heart I can't ever move to MA. Doesn't matter what I want, my choice is dictated by my child. (I talked about this in a much earlier post - when does it get to be my turn...however what I've come to understand more and more is when you have a child, your "turn" no longer exists until your child is an adult. If you are lucky.) Her life is here right now, and I can't move her far away from her father. It wouldn't be right, and it wouldn't be fair. So what am I waiting for? Good question to which I have no answer. He makes me laugh, he makes me smile and I do the same for him. We enjoy each others company and we love each others children. I guess for now that is all it is. I know he cares about me, and I about him. But beyond that, I have no idea where his head is at. He says if he knew what he wanted that would suggest he actually had time to think about it. He doesn't have that he says. So I keep waiting. I just have to be careful how long I do it for. Otherwise I may miss out on my actual life.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Later
I was curious about your house.
Stepped lightly on your web.
You trapped me,
saved me for later.
Later isn't here.
As I dart my eyes from left to right,
under the night sky,
I question if later
is coming.
It feels like a claustrophobic,
slow,
death.
I'm bundled in a tight comfort
that approaches perfect
but lacks room for growth.
I feel stuck in this web.
The house is closing in while you sit
stare
and breathe fire and heat.
Waiting to be free
to stretch
and run
is starting to feel
like torture.
Stepped lightly on your web.
You trapped me,
saved me for later.
Later isn't here.
As I dart my eyes from left to right,
under the night sky,
I question if later
is coming.
It feels like a claustrophobic,
slow,
death.
I'm bundled in a tight comfort
that approaches perfect
but lacks room for growth.
I feel stuck in this web.
The house is closing in while you sit
stare
and breathe fire and heat.
Waiting to be free
to stretch
and run
is starting to feel
like torture.
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