Recently my dad revamped the tree swing in the backyard of their house. The trees in the yard are old and tired, but there are a couple oak trees that are strong enough to hold a swing. I remember swinging on it when i was younger. He fixed it up for Abby. She's been asking for weeks to go on it, but my dad, ever vigilant on safety issues, wanted it moved to another branch as the one it was on was dead. So he did. He fashioned a new wood plank seat, and has made the best.swing.ever. I was standing in my driveway watching Abby and my dad. The swing is long, and the ride stretches into the branches of another tree. She was laughing and hooting the whole time. It was a fantastic and awful moment all at the same time. I was so emotionally overwhelmed - to watch her behave as I did as a kid - it truly is like watching yourself all over again. Seeing how you looked to your own parents. The awful part is knowing she's getting older. Knowing that there may come a time when this is lame. When this won't be the coolest thing ever. It'll be replaced by some gadget, or god forbid, a boy...yikes. Of course while this bittersweet moment was going on I also had a thought - I can't wait to go try it out. I love swings. There is something wonderful about the feeling of flying through the air. I used to swing forever. I tested it out, and sure enough my toes touched the leaves. I was laughing, and I could hear Abby laughing, and I felt so comfortable. Happy being in motion.
So in watching this and other fun summer moments, I'm now faced with the fading of summer and the beginning of a new chapter with my girl. School. She starts kindergarten this week. I remember nursing her as baby, sitting her in her high chair feeding her baby food, watching her crawl, and walk and all those milestones...always feeling like school was a lifetime away. That we'd never get there. Now Abby is getting ready to go to school. Ride a bus, have a teacher, make friends, learn to write and read...It's scary for me and exciting for her. On top of all my emotions about her starting school, my emotions about having a school age child divorced are there as well. I know it'll pass, but when I had Abby, I never imagined my life to be different. I never thought I'd be divorced before my child turned 3. I figured my ex and I would be together forever and sharing in all these moments. but the world changes and life doesn't always give you the pat setup you're looking for. So we coparent and coordinate and write down schedules, and create spreadsheets of days and times for pickup and drop off. I've adjusted, and moved on with my life but sometimes memories sneak in. They remind you of what once was, who you were. I've always said you can run all over the country to run from your past and from yourself but in the end it follows you. So I adjust. I think things out and figure out how to move forward cause there is no going back - as Robert Frost once said, "SOMETIMES THE ONLY WAY OUT IS THROUGH." Don't I know it.
Have you ever wished for something and then found out you wished for the wrong thing? I have. I'm not really superstitious, but there is one thing that I've always done. If you catch the clock changing to 11:11, you're supposed to make a wish. So for years I wished for my soulmate. My other half. My person to love and cherish. I met my ex. and for many years that is exactly what we were to each other. Till things fell apart. After that I put wishes aside for a time as some of the romance I had held for so long had shattered and broke. Then I started wishing again. For a man to not only care for me, but to take care of me. That was something I'd never wished for before. I changed the wish. Can one do that? When you've set your heart on something can you adjust the wish? Are you allowed to mold it? I got what I asked for. But what do you do when you realize it doesn't fit you? How do you deal with a half dream? In some respects I had got my wish. I found a nice man who was good to me, who took care of me, who made some of the thigns I worried about obsolete. I liked him as a person, I cared for him and his kids. I thought for a long time "this can work". I thought I had it in me to wait. To wait for a change in him, a time when he would be free enough to be the man I needed. The man I knew he wanted to be. In many aspects he was the wish in the flesh. But when needs aren't being met, when you know in your heart that you are sacrificing your true self then it is time to change. I broke up with him a week ago. It was hard. There was a sense of calm that started to settle in this week. I listened to my gut and I knew it was the right choice. As I've said sometimes the hardest choice is the right choice. I'd like to keep him in my life as a friend. Cause we do enjoy talking to each other and making each other laugh. But for now, we aren't talking at all. Space is needed i think if we are going to a place where we can be friends.
I'm readjusting my wish. To make it more accurate for what my needs and wants are. The emotional and physical connection needs to be there. The desire and passion that is possible is way important to me. I can't ignore that side of myself or shelve it. I can't pretend like those needs don't exist or are less important than the day to day. Cause they aren't. The end of August beginning of September is ushering in some new changes. Some I'm ready for and some I'm not.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Promises and sickness
After being sick for longer than I care to remember, I think I can safely say I'm better. Strep throat is no joke and frankly I'm disgusted with my doctor. I realize that they prescribe medicine to treat you based on symptoms and exam but honestly - how can you prescribe incorrect meds for strep throat? Here's the deal: I had a bad sore throat and they gave me amoxicillan. After 10 days, I was sorta good but not quite there. I went back in, tested positive for Strep, and they gave me the same medicine. AGAIN. Took it for ten days, and was good for a day or two, then got raging sick again. Went to the medhelp clinic in my area, and they gave me different meds. CRAZY! and basically told me that amoxicillan is good for nothing. Great. So now, after another ten days of meds, I'm actually better. See, what pisses me off here, is that my primary doc should know my history. Read my fucking file and you'd know that sore throats are the bain of my existence. So don't fuck around. Give me REAL MEDS. Stuff that actually treats a bacterial infection. Which, by the way, is what Strep IS. I didn't go to med school and even I know this.
So my sickness ended in time to celebrate my peanuts 5th birthday. I can't believe she's 5. Where did 5 years go? We went to NYC to see my sister and trudge through the American Girl Store. For any of you who are unaware of what this is, it's 3 floors of little girl heaven. Dolls, and clothes, and furniture, and pets to go with the dolls, and a doll hospital, tea party, etc. It was mobbed with people. I've been hesitant for a while now to even get her a doll cause honestly she likes animals better than dolls. You have no idea how many stuffed animals we have. I've considered a stuffed animal apocalypse but figured that might not bode well for her future mental stability. But she started to show some interest in the dolls, so I figured that would be a fun birthday treat. She did love it - but, typical to her, she picked her doll, one outfit, and the cat pet, and was done in like a half hour. It's so funny how you can plan this elaborate event for your kid and they're bored in like 10 minutes. Or more interested in something you didn't plan on at all. I think the most fun abby had was throwing pennies in the fountains at Roc Center with my sis. I think Abby misses her. She loves her Auntie. It makes me happy to watch my sister and Abby. They are wonderfully alike, and they seem to understand each other which makes my heart happy.
Of course in the middle of all this fun, about halfway into our visit to American Girl, she turned to me and said "I want to leave NOW." So to avoid the meltdown that was T-minus a minute away, we left. Again the fact that she's 5 is amazing to me. She's going to start soccer next week, and school in the fall. How did that happen? My world is changing all over again. Now it'll be school events, homework, backpacks, soccer practice and running, running,running...But I'm excited for all of it.
On a separate but related note, my sister and I had a talk this week that made me realize that I've been doing something to myself that is unnecessary. Putting added pressure on myself where I don't need to. I'm very aware of the promises I make to my child. Like when Abby says, "Mommy I want you to take me to Sea World!!" I don't say, "Sure I will" cause right now, I don't know when I"ll be able to afford a trip like that. So I say I hope that one day I can do that. I don't want to give her false hope and have her be disappointed. It makes me mental when I hear about parents who do that shit to kids. Don't make promises you can't keep has always been my mantra in life and in work. I don't ever want to be the parent that doesn't follow through on the promises I make to my child. I want to always show her that I do as i say I'm going to. However, what I have to remember is what things are most important. My sis called it an "embarrassment of riches". Choosing between two great things is not breaking a promise. If I don't take my child to a movie or to an event, she's not going to be in therapy in 15 years going, "My mom never took me to see Tangled!" The promises I need to make sure I always keep, are when she NEEDS me. Like she wants me to be at her soccer games, or gymnastic practice, or when there's a school event that I SHOW UP. Or when the boyfriend breaks her heart and she needs a hug - or support to do the best she can. Drying her tears when she's hurt. Those are the things she will judge me on as a parent. Not whether we colored eggs or saw a movie. So, I realize that I'm being to hard on myself. My sister put it in perspective for me in a way I hadn't thought about. Thanks to her, I remember now what I need to focus on. Sometimes with all the running around and efforts to do the right thing, I forget what the real battles are.
So my sickness ended in time to celebrate my peanuts 5th birthday. I can't believe she's 5. Where did 5 years go? We went to NYC to see my sister and trudge through the American Girl Store. For any of you who are unaware of what this is, it's 3 floors of little girl heaven. Dolls, and clothes, and furniture, and pets to go with the dolls, and a doll hospital, tea party, etc. It was mobbed with people. I've been hesitant for a while now to even get her a doll cause honestly she likes animals better than dolls. You have no idea how many stuffed animals we have. I've considered a stuffed animal apocalypse but figured that might not bode well for her future mental stability. But she started to show some interest in the dolls, so I figured that would be a fun birthday treat. She did love it - but, typical to her, she picked her doll, one outfit, and the cat pet, and was done in like a half hour. It's so funny how you can plan this elaborate event for your kid and they're bored in like 10 minutes. Or more interested in something you didn't plan on at all. I think the most fun abby had was throwing pennies in the fountains at Roc Center with my sis. I think Abby misses her. She loves her Auntie. It makes me happy to watch my sister and Abby. They are wonderfully alike, and they seem to understand each other which makes my heart happy.
Of course in the middle of all this fun, about halfway into our visit to American Girl, she turned to me and said "I want to leave NOW." So to avoid the meltdown that was T-minus a minute away, we left. Again the fact that she's 5 is amazing to me. She's going to start soccer next week, and school in the fall. How did that happen? My world is changing all over again. Now it'll be school events, homework, backpacks, soccer practice and running, running,running...But I'm excited for all of it.
On a separate but related note, my sister and I had a talk this week that made me realize that I've been doing something to myself that is unnecessary. Putting added pressure on myself where I don't need to. I'm very aware of the promises I make to my child. Like when Abby says, "Mommy I want you to take me to Sea World!!" I don't say, "Sure I will" cause right now, I don't know when I"ll be able to afford a trip like that. So I say I hope that one day I can do that. I don't want to give her false hope and have her be disappointed. It makes me mental when I hear about parents who do that shit to kids. Don't make promises you can't keep has always been my mantra in life and in work. I don't ever want to be the parent that doesn't follow through on the promises I make to my child. I want to always show her that I do as i say I'm going to. However, what I have to remember is what things are most important. My sis called it an "embarrassment of riches". Choosing between two great things is not breaking a promise. If I don't take my child to a movie or to an event, she's not going to be in therapy in 15 years going, "My mom never took me to see Tangled!" The promises I need to make sure I always keep, are when she NEEDS me. Like she wants me to be at her soccer games, or gymnastic practice, or when there's a school event that I SHOW UP. Or when the boyfriend breaks her heart and she needs a hug - or support to do the best she can. Drying her tears when she's hurt. Those are the things she will judge me on as a parent. Not whether we colored eggs or saw a movie. So, I realize that I'm being to hard on myself. My sister put it in perspective for me in a way I hadn't thought about. Thanks to her, I remember now what I need to focus on. Sometimes with all the running around and efforts to do the right thing, I forget what the real battles are.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
The Ick
I've been sick all week. Nothing like a bout of Strep Throat to suck the life out of you. So it's been time on the couch, and time in bed, and countless hours watching dumb shit on tv. I actually sat through the entire movie "fast and the furious". For two reasons. Vin Diesel. and I was to exhausted to change the channel. The remote was across the room. The movie had terrible dialog, a weak story, and the action was...mediocre. But watching Vin Diesel in a wife beater drive a fast car? well, that was alright. What can I say? I'm a girl.
There are things that I miss about being sick when you are with someone. You know when you are sick, it's always nice to have someone crawl into bed next to you and hold you. To feel them breathing on your back, and making you warm. Having that person look at you and say "Baby, I hate that your sick" and then give you a hug even though he knows damn well he's gettin' it next. I miss having somone there to care for me even when I look and feel like shit. To be able to ask them to run to the store for kleenex, or medicine or ginger ale. (which is only good while your sick - why is that??) I don't have that anymore. I have to self soothe. It sucks to be honest. I miss giving that kind of love and kindness to someone else. Feeling each others foreheads to see who is warmer from fever. Comparing who feels worse, and what meds are you taking today? Still having sex even while sick because for that short time you'll feel really, really good.
But I don't have that. So instead, I will watch shitty tv, nap on the couch, and run a bath by myself and soak away my ick. Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself today. Being sick will do that to you.
So, with tears streaming down my face, I will go run a hot bath, soak in the bubbles, and listen to the new Adele cd for the 50 millionth time. At the end I will be through my mood and likely stronger than I was an hour ago. Please don't mistake this momentary contemplation for weakness. I'm the strongest motherfucker you'll ever meet. I may be sensitive, and warm hearted, and emotionally intuitive, but I can handle almost anything and survive.
I would just like some other arms to to wrap around me and make me feel completely invinceable if only for a moment.
There are things that I miss about being sick when you are with someone. You know when you are sick, it's always nice to have someone crawl into bed next to you and hold you. To feel them breathing on your back, and making you warm. Having that person look at you and say "Baby, I hate that your sick" and then give you a hug even though he knows damn well he's gettin' it next. I miss having somone there to care for me even when I look and feel like shit. To be able to ask them to run to the store for kleenex, or medicine or ginger ale. (which is only good while your sick - why is that??) I don't have that anymore. I have to self soothe. It sucks to be honest. I miss giving that kind of love and kindness to someone else. Feeling each others foreheads to see who is warmer from fever. Comparing who feels worse, and what meds are you taking today? Still having sex even while sick because for that short time you'll feel really, really good.
But I don't have that. So instead, I will watch shitty tv, nap on the couch, and run a bath by myself and soak away my ick. Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself today. Being sick will do that to you.
So, with tears streaming down my face, I will go run a hot bath, soak in the bubbles, and listen to the new Adele cd for the 50 millionth time. At the end I will be through my mood and likely stronger than I was an hour ago. Please don't mistake this momentary contemplation for weakness. I'm the strongest motherfucker you'll ever meet. I may be sensitive, and warm hearted, and emotionally intuitive, but I can handle almost anything and survive.
I would just like some other arms to to wrap around me and make me feel completely invinceable if only for a moment.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Where is the rulebook?
You know we've all watched those terrible movies in which divorced parents battle out their differences in front of the kids and then the kids are a mess because of it. See I don't have that problem. I actually get along with my ex, quite well actually and I get along well with his girlfriend. We don't have anything to fight about anymore. The thing I wasn't prepared for in all of this, was my child using her frustrations to say things that would make me feel terrible. Rationally I know shes 4 1/2. But when your child says things to you like, "I miss Daddy and want to live with him forever!" It reduces me to rubble. Of all the things that I figured would make me feel bad about myself, I never figured on this. I never expected to have this little person look me in the eye and tell me, "I love Daddy more than you!!" which was tonights little gem. Which ultimately makes me feel small. Makes me feel defeated. Makes me feel like a rotten mother - which i KNOW I'm not.
Let me back up and tell you what happened tonight. So I picked her up from her dads house - it was his weekend. We got home, and she was starting to play with toys, we both wanted to put on pj's, so she was attempting to remove her shirt on her own, well it was tight around the head, and she got frustrated. She screamed a bit, and then I pulled it off. She yelled, "I just wanted to do it MYSELF!!" which is fine, I encourage her to try things herself. But I also always tell her, if she needs help, that's what I'm here for! Just ask me and I'm always available. Well she ran into her room, started crying in her bed, and then told me that she loved Daddy and shelly more than me. She also wailed, "Why is my daddy doing this to me? He has to come and get me!" Which of course, broke my heart. I try and rise above the initial knee jerk emotion, but that would indicate I was more highly evolved than I actually am. I got silent, and sad. I told her it made me sad, but when she was ready to come out and see me, and be nice to me, I'd be here. I teared up, because it hurt. I work so hard to do the right thing by her, to make her happy, and content, that it made me feel like a failure. She finally came out of her room and gave me a big hug. Told me she loves me and that, "Even when I'm not here, and I'm at Daddy's, I always miss you and I'm always in your heart." Which is in fact true. But why I had to suffer through the "I don't like you" comments is what I don't understand. There is no rulebook to turn to - see page 58 for hateful comments by your child. But then I guess I have to remember neither does she. She's working through emotions she doesn't understand, and while she talks likes shes 15, She still doesn't know how to express what she feels in words. I don't know. Its tiring. I get worn out. Sometimes I think I really, really suck at this whole motherhood thing. Then sometimes I feel like I'm doing ok. I feel as though I might have this whole thing down. I do the best I can and I just hope she notices. I hope she realizes that there isn't anything I wouldn't do for her, she's my flesh and part of my soul. Just as much as she belongs to her dad, she belongs to be. I hope she realizes how hard we both work to make her happy. She will likely never really understand till she has her own kids. Same thing my mother always told me. "Wait till you have kids...then you'll know how it feels." She's so very right.
On another note, I saw the dork this weekend. Once again I'm no closer to decerning what his intentions are than I was a month ago. His daughter told me this weekend that he'd never move to CT. Great I thought. He still wants to build in his hometown which is oh so far away from where I am. I'm still waiting. Waiting for something to be different. Waiting for the man I believe exists in him to show up. While its difficult to wait, I'm doing it by choice. Knowing in my gut that none of this may ever work out the way I want. Maybe it will. I just don't know. I know in my heart I can't ever move to MA. Doesn't matter what I want, my choice is dictated by my child. (I talked about this in a much earlier post - when does it get to be my turn...however what I've come to understand more and more is when you have a child, your "turn" no longer exists until your child is an adult. If you are lucky.) Her life is here right now, and I can't move her far away from her father. It wouldn't be right, and it wouldn't be fair. So what am I waiting for? Good question to which I have no answer. He makes me laugh, he makes me smile and I do the same for him. We enjoy each others company and we love each others children. I guess for now that is all it is. I know he cares about me, and I about him. But beyond that, I have no idea where his head is at. He says if he knew what he wanted that would suggest he actually had time to think about it. He doesn't have that he says. So I keep waiting. I just have to be careful how long I do it for. Otherwise I may miss out on my actual life.
Let me back up and tell you what happened tonight. So I picked her up from her dads house - it was his weekend. We got home, and she was starting to play with toys, we both wanted to put on pj's, so she was attempting to remove her shirt on her own, well it was tight around the head, and she got frustrated. She screamed a bit, and then I pulled it off. She yelled, "I just wanted to do it MYSELF!!" which is fine, I encourage her to try things herself. But I also always tell her, if she needs help, that's what I'm here for! Just ask me and I'm always available. Well she ran into her room, started crying in her bed, and then told me that she loved Daddy and shelly more than me. She also wailed, "Why is my daddy doing this to me? He has to come and get me!" Which of course, broke my heart. I try and rise above the initial knee jerk emotion, but that would indicate I was more highly evolved than I actually am. I got silent, and sad. I told her it made me sad, but when she was ready to come out and see me, and be nice to me, I'd be here. I teared up, because it hurt. I work so hard to do the right thing by her, to make her happy, and content, that it made me feel like a failure. She finally came out of her room and gave me a big hug. Told me she loves me and that, "Even when I'm not here, and I'm at Daddy's, I always miss you and I'm always in your heart." Which is in fact true. But why I had to suffer through the "I don't like you" comments is what I don't understand. There is no rulebook to turn to - see page 58 for hateful comments by your child. But then I guess I have to remember neither does she. She's working through emotions she doesn't understand, and while she talks likes shes 15, She still doesn't know how to express what she feels in words. I don't know. Its tiring. I get worn out. Sometimes I think I really, really suck at this whole motherhood thing. Then sometimes I feel like I'm doing ok. I feel as though I might have this whole thing down. I do the best I can and I just hope she notices. I hope she realizes that there isn't anything I wouldn't do for her, she's my flesh and part of my soul. Just as much as she belongs to her dad, she belongs to be. I hope she realizes how hard we both work to make her happy. She will likely never really understand till she has her own kids. Same thing my mother always told me. "Wait till you have kids...then you'll know how it feels." She's so very right.
On another note, I saw the dork this weekend. Once again I'm no closer to decerning what his intentions are than I was a month ago. His daughter told me this weekend that he'd never move to CT. Great I thought. He still wants to build in his hometown which is oh so far away from where I am. I'm still waiting. Waiting for something to be different. Waiting for the man I believe exists in him to show up. While its difficult to wait, I'm doing it by choice. Knowing in my gut that none of this may ever work out the way I want. Maybe it will. I just don't know. I know in my heart I can't ever move to MA. Doesn't matter what I want, my choice is dictated by my child. (I talked about this in a much earlier post - when does it get to be my turn...however what I've come to understand more and more is when you have a child, your "turn" no longer exists until your child is an adult. If you are lucky.) Her life is here right now, and I can't move her far away from her father. It wouldn't be right, and it wouldn't be fair. So what am I waiting for? Good question to which I have no answer. He makes me laugh, he makes me smile and I do the same for him. We enjoy each others company and we love each others children. I guess for now that is all it is. I know he cares about me, and I about him. But beyond that, I have no idea where his head is at. He says if he knew what he wanted that would suggest he actually had time to think about it. He doesn't have that he says. So I keep waiting. I just have to be careful how long I do it for. Otherwise I may miss out on my actual life.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Later
I was curious about your house.
Stepped lightly on your web.
You trapped me,
saved me for later.
Later isn't here.
As I dart my eyes from left to right,
under the night sky,
I question if later
is coming.
It feels like a claustrophobic,
slow,
death.
I'm bundled in a tight comfort
that approaches perfect
but lacks room for growth.
I feel stuck in this web.
The house is closing in while you sit
stare
and breathe fire and heat.
Waiting to be free
to stretch
and run
is starting to feel
like torture.
Stepped lightly on your web.
You trapped me,
saved me for later.
Later isn't here.
As I dart my eyes from left to right,
under the night sky,
I question if later
is coming.
It feels like a claustrophobic,
slow,
death.
I'm bundled in a tight comfort
that approaches perfect
but lacks room for growth.
I feel stuck in this web.
The house is closing in while you sit
stare
and breathe fire and heat.
Waiting to be free
to stretch
and run
is starting to feel
like torture.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
20 years have gone by? REALLY??
The other day I logged onto Facebook and I was invited to an event. Yay! An event! I said. I opened it and was in complete disbelief. There was a picture of my high school, and on the invite was "20 YEAR CLASS REUNION!!" How is this possible? How is it that 20 years have gone by? I sat in my chair and stared at the computer. Baffled. Confused. I felt a little like throwing up but decided that wouldn't help, I'd have to clean it up...ew.
1991. I was excited that year. I was looking forward to College, reinventing myself and figuring out life. So senior year was - a joy and drudgery all at the same time. Such is high school. Friends were leaving for far away places. I think mostly I couldn't wait to get out and get on with it. I think about that girl often. Where did that girl go?
In a lot of ways I'm glad I'm not that young lady from Senior year. I had such a hard time in high school talking to people my age. I was very shy, and I didn't know how to be myself in front of everyone. I was able to be my outgoing self in front of a few close friends, but otherwise I was anxiety ridden about being laughed at or not understood if I said something. So I read a lot, and didn't speak much in class. I have a feeling a lot of people in my class figured I just didn't talk - which on a lot of days wasn't entirely inaccurate. I wanted to feel comfortable and outgoing and smiling but I had no idea how to do it. I couldn't wrap my mind around it. It was so odd for me to watch my sister go through high school. Here experience was SO different. She was very outgoing and had a ton of friends. She was involved in a bunch of stuff and had a lot of fun. I was glad for her.
College ended up being great for me - and a job in retail where you are forced to talk to strangers. Now I don't shut up.
20 years, 20 years, 20 years...that's all I can think about. I'm unsure if I want to go. There are people that might go that I"d love to see. At the very least it might be motivation for me to work out a bit more. Which is good cause all I've been doing is 'thinking' about working out. ugh.
I was talking to a close friend of mine about turning 40. We both vowed to have our shit figured out by then. We figured we haven't done it so far but hopefully by then we've got it or are at least on the right path. I look back on the past 20 years and I wouldn't change it persay, I'd improve it. I think if I could go back, I'd do some things differently, but leave the events as they were. I had a lot of fun - I met some great people, I got married, had a beautiful child, got divorced and dated again and started it all over. Sometimes its sad to me to see that my life is not at all what I thought it would be when i walked across that stage the day i graduated. I'm not saying its bad, it's quite good, it's just different. I still have goals and aspirations and dreams just like I did back in 1991. The difference is then there seemed to be endless time in front of me to achieve everything I wanted. Now time doesn't seem so endless. It seems...shorter. It's like being a speeding train heading into a tunnel. You keep bracing yourself for the end but have no idea when that is. I want to have more fun, travel and do some things with my life before another 20 years pass and I look back and wonder what I did.
I want to figure out my life. I don't feel like anything is figured out right now and that makes the timing of this reunion so emotionally confusing.
I've been listening to The Avett Brothers almost non stop these days. I can't get enough of their insightful lyrics and talents on string instruments. They have a song called "Head full of doubt and Road full of promise". They've talked about this song as leaving your youth behind and moving into a time in life where you want to build something. I get that. Making something stick, making something feel substantial and real - like it'll last forever or for as long as you breathe and maybe after. "Road full of promise". that hits in a different place in my heart. I've had some tough years so I'm hopeful that the road ahead is exactly that - full of promise. I think I'll forge ahead and see where I end up. I just hope it's at the place I want to be.
Here are the lyrics in case you may want to know more. Listening to it is worth it because the vocal harmonies are perfect.
"Head Full Of Doubt / Road Full Of Promise"
There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what's wrong and what's right
And it comes in black and it comes in white
And I'm frightened by those that don't see it
When nothing is owed or deserved or expected
And your life doesn't change by the man that's elected
If you're loved by someone, you're never rejected
Decide what to be and go be it
There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out
There's a darkness upon you that's flooded in light
And in the fine print they tell you what's wrong and what's right
And it flies by day and it flies by night
And I'm frightened by those that don't see it
There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out
There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out
There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what's wrong and what's right
There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
And I'm frightened by those that don't see it
1991. I was excited that year. I was looking forward to College, reinventing myself and figuring out life. So senior year was - a joy and drudgery all at the same time. Such is high school. Friends were leaving for far away places. I think mostly I couldn't wait to get out and get on with it. I think about that girl often. Where did that girl go?
In a lot of ways I'm glad I'm not that young lady from Senior year. I had such a hard time in high school talking to people my age. I was very shy, and I didn't know how to be myself in front of everyone. I was able to be my outgoing self in front of a few close friends, but otherwise I was anxiety ridden about being laughed at or not understood if I said something. So I read a lot, and didn't speak much in class. I have a feeling a lot of people in my class figured I just didn't talk - which on a lot of days wasn't entirely inaccurate. I wanted to feel comfortable and outgoing and smiling but I had no idea how to do it. I couldn't wrap my mind around it. It was so odd for me to watch my sister go through high school. Here experience was SO different. She was very outgoing and had a ton of friends. She was involved in a bunch of stuff and had a lot of fun. I was glad for her.
College ended up being great for me - and a job in retail where you are forced to talk to strangers. Now I don't shut up.
20 years, 20 years, 20 years...that's all I can think about. I'm unsure if I want to go. There are people that might go that I"d love to see. At the very least it might be motivation for me to work out a bit more. Which is good cause all I've been doing is 'thinking' about working out. ugh.
I was talking to a close friend of mine about turning 40. We both vowed to have our shit figured out by then. We figured we haven't done it so far but hopefully by then we've got it or are at least on the right path. I look back on the past 20 years and I wouldn't change it persay, I'd improve it. I think if I could go back, I'd do some things differently, but leave the events as they were. I had a lot of fun - I met some great people, I got married, had a beautiful child, got divorced and dated again and started it all over. Sometimes its sad to me to see that my life is not at all what I thought it would be when i walked across that stage the day i graduated. I'm not saying its bad, it's quite good, it's just different. I still have goals and aspirations and dreams just like I did back in 1991. The difference is then there seemed to be endless time in front of me to achieve everything I wanted. Now time doesn't seem so endless. It seems...shorter. It's like being a speeding train heading into a tunnel. You keep bracing yourself for the end but have no idea when that is. I want to have more fun, travel and do some things with my life before another 20 years pass and I look back and wonder what I did.
I want to figure out my life. I don't feel like anything is figured out right now and that makes the timing of this reunion so emotionally confusing.
I've been listening to The Avett Brothers almost non stop these days. I can't get enough of their insightful lyrics and talents on string instruments. They have a song called "Head full of doubt and Road full of promise". They've talked about this song as leaving your youth behind and moving into a time in life where you want to build something. I get that. Making something stick, making something feel substantial and real - like it'll last forever or for as long as you breathe and maybe after. "Road full of promise". that hits in a different place in my heart. I've had some tough years so I'm hopeful that the road ahead is exactly that - full of promise. I think I'll forge ahead and see where I end up. I just hope it's at the place I want to be.
Here are the lyrics in case you may want to know more. Listening to it is worth it because the vocal harmonies are perfect.
"Head Full Of Doubt / Road Full Of Promise"
There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what's wrong and what's right
And it comes in black and it comes in white
And I'm frightened by those that don't see it
When nothing is owed or deserved or expected
And your life doesn't change by the man that's elected
If you're loved by someone, you're never rejected
Decide what to be and go be it
There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out
There's a darkness upon you that's flooded in light
And in the fine print they tell you what's wrong and what's right
And it flies by day and it flies by night
And I'm frightened by those that don't see it
There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out
There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out
There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what's wrong and what's right
There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
And I'm frightened by those that don't see it
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Commercials or mind control?
My peanut is sick. A fever, a cough and a sore throat. Not funny or fun. So it was my turn to stay home. I have to admit, when your child is sick, it's almost ok because when they are sick they're actually willing to sit in your lap, hug you and cuddle. She was all over me saying she loved me, she missed me and that I'm awesome. I'd like to bottle those words and behavior so when she's 17, hates me, and says "You're ruining my life!!" I can open that bottle and breathe deeply.
While hanging at home, in pj's, watching cartoons, I've noticed a couple things that are disturbing. The first one is why the fuck is Montell Williams hawking a payday loan site on the Sprout Network?? A KIDS CHANNEL?? Now I realize that raising a child is tough, financially as well as mentally. No one knows that better than me. I've fallen prey to the payday loan trap myself - a hole that I've been digging out of for months. But it hits my moral compass - one shouldn't be sold a scam while watching Kipper on Sprout. Basically he's telling parents, "NO worries, don't have that money for car repair? Call us and you'll have it tomorrow!" I've never been compelled to write a tv network, but I"m close. I think its wrong to show parents and children that you don't have to spend wisely and save, you can just do whatever you want with no consequences. That's appalling. It's on every 5 minutes, and my peanut has started repeating the lines. Which is odd to hear your child say, "Need cash? Short till payday?"
The bigger disturbing item is what Disney is currently doing to my emotions. I've never been to Disney and have always wanted to go. (My sister feels the same.) Abby is going to Disney in the Spring with her dad and his girlfriend. I'm totally cool with that. They will have a blast, and Abby will be amazed by everything. I'm happy for her -she's going to love it, and have a wonderful time.
but then the evil, petty, jealous bitch voice in the back of my head watches these sappy Disney commercials and goes, "well (said snidely) isn't THAT nice!" and then she starts saying obnoxious things to my logical brain. That's SOOO not me. The two commercials are as follows:
Picture the new Disney cruise ship, replete with splendour, sparkles, magic and of course mickey mouse. Everyone is having the time of their lives and nothing could be better. It's a "Don't you want to make dreams come true?" kind of commercial. So of course it makes one feel like a complete asshole. I sit on my couch going "wow, I'm a dream killer now." Nothing boosts mom confidence more than feeling like a dream killer.
The second one is the one that is completely making me mental. Actual videos shot by parents telling their kids they're going to Disney and seeing the kids reaction. It's fucking with my emotions. I see that and all I can picture is the peanut and how I won't get to do that. At least not right now. See I'm mostly logical - I know that I will get that chance, and I guess on some deep level I'm jealous. But i usually suppress that because it's not worth it. I always put peanuts best interests first, and I try not to fall prey to petty behavior and thought. It's so easy to let stuff like that take root and ruin your decisions and blurr your vision of what is right. Like I said, I'm so excited for her and she's going to have such a great time. I'm just pissed that Disney is fucking with me like this. Lol Suck it Disney.
While hanging at home, in pj's, watching cartoons, I've noticed a couple things that are disturbing. The first one is why the fuck is Montell Williams hawking a payday loan site on the Sprout Network?? A KIDS CHANNEL?? Now I realize that raising a child is tough, financially as well as mentally. No one knows that better than me. I've fallen prey to the payday loan trap myself - a hole that I've been digging out of for months. But it hits my moral compass - one shouldn't be sold a scam while watching Kipper on Sprout. Basically he's telling parents, "NO worries, don't have that money for car repair? Call us and you'll have it tomorrow!" I've never been compelled to write a tv network, but I"m close. I think its wrong to show parents and children that you don't have to spend wisely and save, you can just do whatever you want with no consequences. That's appalling. It's on every 5 minutes, and my peanut has started repeating the lines. Which is odd to hear your child say, "Need cash? Short till payday?"
The bigger disturbing item is what Disney is currently doing to my emotions. I've never been to Disney and have always wanted to go. (My sister feels the same.) Abby is going to Disney in the Spring with her dad and his girlfriend. I'm totally cool with that. They will have a blast, and Abby will be amazed by everything. I'm happy for her -she's going to love it, and have a wonderful time.
but then the evil, petty, jealous bitch voice in the back of my head watches these sappy Disney commercials and goes, "well (said snidely) isn't THAT nice!" and then she starts saying obnoxious things to my logical brain. That's SOOO not me. The two commercials are as follows:
Picture the new Disney cruise ship, replete with splendour, sparkles, magic and of course mickey mouse. Everyone is having the time of their lives and nothing could be better. It's a "Don't you want to make dreams come true?" kind of commercial. So of course it makes one feel like a complete asshole. I sit on my couch going "wow, I'm a dream killer now." Nothing boosts mom confidence more than feeling like a dream killer.
The second one is the one that is completely making me mental. Actual videos shot by parents telling their kids they're going to Disney and seeing the kids reaction. It's fucking with my emotions. I see that and all I can picture is the peanut and how I won't get to do that. At least not right now. See I'm mostly logical - I know that I will get that chance, and I guess on some deep level I'm jealous. But i usually suppress that because it's not worth it. I always put peanuts best interests first, and I try not to fall prey to petty behavior and thought. It's so easy to let stuff like that take root and ruin your decisions and blurr your vision of what is right. Like I said, I'm so excited for her and she's going to have such a great time. I'm just pissed that Disney is fucking with me like this. Lol Suck it Disney.
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