More back story to make sense of the new stories. I'm thinking this happened in Spring of 09 but I have no real concept of time anymore so I could be wrong. You know how that goes, you get older and what seemed like last week was last year. Anyway, so at this point in my life, in this story, I'm single. Officially divorced. Out and about. I met this guy, or should I say young man and started talking to him. (Met him through a dating site I was on). At first I did it as a lark. I mean he was in his young twenties and here I was, old by his standards. But i was curious. So I talked to him. He was(still is) hopeful and romantic and full of wonder. Things that I used to be. A person that I used to be. Before episodes of my life slapped it out of me. God, remember what that was like? 21, 25 - being in complete wonder at everyone and everything feeling each day like it was a possibility. He's a dreamer, a musician (I know) an artist in a way and romantic. However, I was not really inclined to be the "cougar" in this situation. I was (still am) a single mom with a shitload of responsibility and inner conflict. I was unsure of what he truly wanted and what I wanted to give. I didn't see the world the way he did. Likely will be a long time till I do again.
But, he came along at the right time I suppose. I was feeling unattractive and needy. He catered to the need in me to be adored. Even if only for a short time. Besides, I was horny. What else is new. But, with all the nice things he said, he had issues. No job, no car, no apartment. Still lived with mom and dad. Nothing says SEXY like still living with Mom and Dad! Oi.
He wanted a caretaker. I was having enough trouble taking care of myself and my child let alone another "adult". But the desire for human touch was much greater than my logical self could get over.I wanted to get laid and feel close to someone if only for a moment. So I caved. I met him. It was awesome. What would one expect of a twenty something with stamina and no responsibilities? Anyway, it was a one time event that I don't regret but wasn't up for repeating either.
He couldn't offer me anything that would sustain a real relationship. I was honest but nice. Told him he had the whole world in front of him, and he should go explore it. He attempted to plead his case - stated "I don't need much, just love me." Which in theory as we all know, is not enough. Some movies try to say it is, but its not usually true. Love can help it can mend but work is what makes something like a relationship last. Real work.
I bring all this up because he messaged me last night out of nowhere. I had apparently not deleted him off my chat list, and I haven't talked to him in over a year now. He asked me how I was, and did I want to "hang out" with him. I told him I didn't think it was a good idea. He says to me "But don't you think we'd be so good together?" (sigh). "no, I don't." How many ways does one explain that our worlds are so totally different on so many levels? I then asked him if he had a job or a car or an apartment. I got silence. Nothing has changed for him in any way. Those are basic deal breakers for me. One of my main qualifications is that as a man, you SHOW UP, BE a man, be self-sufficient and a functioning adult. I don't ask for much but I require some accountability for yourself. He is not there yet and may never be. Which is his choice, but I have more goals and dreams for myself than that.
On a side note I was listening to a Police song today, "Message in a Bottle". I forget how simple that song is and yet how great. One of the lines in the song is:
"LOVE CAN MEND YOUR LIFE BUT LOVE CAN BREAK YOUR HEART"
I was thinking about that today. That is a truth if I ever heard one. Love can make you feel on top of the world and fearless. It can be a security blanket and all enveloping. But when it breaks you it cuts you in pieces. Its very sharp and biting. But I still think, with all the risk involved, its worth it to still try even if failure is the outcome. Cause without trying, there is no possibility of winning.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Bits and pieces
I'm thinking a bit to much today. Which can be good if it results in something but typically it makes my brain hurt.
I've thinking about that U2 song "With or Without you". In that song Bono talks about how "you give yourself away". I realized what that meant in college. The day I figured it out I was in the backseat of a car of two friends and the song was on and it made me cry cause I had never realized how every time you do something, in some way, you give up part of yourself. Sometimes, we slice away at parts for merely a physical need and then the question lies - what do I have in return? I guess this has been on my mind again lately. All this new dating and talking and opening up to new people has brought it out again. I'm an open person, I'll talk about any topic that you throw at me and I'm not squeamish or skeeved out. but with this openness comes a price. Men who think they can get what they want from me simply because I'm actually willing to truly be myself.
That's what stinks. I don't really know how to censor my emotions or who I am. I don't think I should have to. I know that many are saying the day will come when someone will see all those things about you and it will be exactly what they want. That is likely true. However in the meantime I"m left sorting through how much of myself do I want to give away. As it is there are times when I feel like so much of me has already been doled out that I don't know what's left.
My brain also has been thinking about those ugly sides of ourselves that rear sometimes. For those of you ever involved in gossip of any kind you know what I mean. Someone tells you a juicy detail and you hold onto it and then without realizing it you pass it on...never considering how it affects those involved. I work in a office but I swear it's high school. The TV show "The Office" and the movie of the same title do have it right. It is a fish bowl. I love it and hate it all at the same time. Inadvertently I became involved in some gossip. Not meaning to, not wanting to...just on the edge of it. Someone asked me a question in passing and in conversation I gave my honest opinion - I don't lie. But it was an instance I wish I'd kept my trap shut. I forgot who i was dealing with. A person who could likely announce to EVERYONE in the building that its on fire in 2 MINUTES. It took on a life of its own. Lesson learned. The person at the center of said gossip mentioned to me that said gossip about them was completely and totally false. I felt very bad. Not that I was even remotely responsible for it, but it put a face to the speculation. Its harder to avoid/deny that real people are involved in a story if you aren't faced with the individuals. Once you are, it's entirely different. It was a reminder that this kind of childish behavior only hurts and destroys. I think the hard thing is admitting to yourself that you even remotely participated in the gossip. I consider myself a MUCH better person than that. I'm not perfect by any means and my flaws are many. But I try, very, very hard to be as good to others as I'd want them to be to me. Sometimes we all forget it - I do. Sure, people frustrate me, I bitch/vent - but when does bitching/venting cross the line? I think when it gets personal. Vindictive. Revengeful and mean. I am none of those things. Again, at 36 I'm learning many new things. Things that are CRAZY obvious. Gossip hurts people, and participating, even a tiny bit is wrong. Period. I might put up a sign in my cube. "GOSSIP SUCKS AND WON'T BE SPOKEN HERE". I wonder how that would go over.
I've thinking about that U2 song "With or Without you". In that song Bono talks about how "you give yourself away". I realized what that meant in college. The day I figured it out I was in the backseat of a car of two friends and the song was on and it made me cry cause I had never realized how every time you do something, in some way, you give up part of yourself. Sometimes, we slice away at parts for merely a physical need and then the question lies - what do I have in return? I guess this has been on my mind again lately. All this new dating and talking and opening up to new people has brought it out again. I'm an open person, I'll talk about any topic that you throw at me and I'm not squeamish or skeeved out. but with this openness comes a price. Men who think they can get what they want from me simply because I'm actually willing to truly be myself.
That's what stinks. I don't really know how to censor my emotions or who I am. I don't think I should have to. I know that many are saying the day will come when someone will see all those things about you and it will be exactly what they want. That is likely true. However in the meantime I"m left sorting through how much of myself do I want to give away. As it is there are times when I feel like so much of me has already been doled out that I don't know what's left.
My brain also has been thinking about those ugly sides of ourselves that rear sometimes. For those of you ever involved in gossip of any kind you know what I mean. Someone tells you a juicy detail and you hold onto it and then without realizing it you pass it on...never considering how it affects those involved. I work in a office but I swear it's high school. The TV show "The Office" and the movie of the same title do have it right. It is a fish bowl. I love it and hate it all at the same time. Inadvertently I became involved in some gossip. Not meaning to, not wanting to...just on the edge of it. Someone asked me a question in passing and in conversation I gave my honest opinion - I don't lie. But it was an instance I wish I'd kept my trap shut. I forgot who i was dealing with. A person who could likely announce to EVERYONE in the building that its on fire in 2 MINUTES. It took on a life of its own. Lesson learned. The person at the center of said gossip mentioned to me that said gossip about them was completely and totally false. I felt very bad. Not that I was even remotely responsible for it, but it put a face to the speculation. Its harder to avoid/deny that real people are involved in a story if you aren't faced with the individuals. Once you are, it's entirely different. It was a reminder that this kind of childish behavior only hurts and destroys. I think the hard thing is admitting to yourself that you even remotely participated in the gossip. I consider myself a MUCH better person than that. I'm not perfect by any means and my flaws are many. But I try, very, very hard to be as good to others as I'd want them to be to me. Sometimes we all forget it - I do. Sure, people frustrate me, I bitch/vent - but when does bitching/venting cross the line? I think when it gets personal. Vindictive. Revengeful and mean. I am none of those things. Again, at 36 I'm learning many new things. Things that are CRAZY obvious. Gossip hurts people, and participating, even a tiny bit is wrong. Period. I might put up a sign in my cube. "GOSSIP SUCKS AND WON'T BE SPOKEN HERE". I wonder how that would go over.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Odds and Ends
I'll state the caveat now - if the following makes little or no sense I'm sorry. My brain is a little jumbled this evening. Time to purge..
Since the "dog date" as I'll refer to it from now on, I have received some odd messages off of a dating site I'm on. I didn't know that I was attractive to religious zealots. I clearly have on my profile that I'm laughing about religion. So this guy, who lives in PA mind you, (not near CT by a long shot) basically goes on and on about how he hopes to find the woman of his dreams, and he wants an honest down to earth woman who is god-fearing, yadda,yadda.
He tells me I'm beautiful and lovely and several other adjectives that are nice. The whole message reads weird and he writes it all in caps. Which reads to me like he's yelling at me. No thanks. I decide to check his profile to see what he's about. He flat out states that "prostitutes and homosexuals" need to steer clear. WHAT?!?!
Being the kind person that I am, I wrote back. I hate when I message a guy and he never responds. so I say, "Thanks for the kind words, but I don't think we'd be a good match. Good Luck in your search". Nice right? Not to much, but still being honest.
He writes back " We could be a match, can you tell me why you think we wouldn't be??"
My first thought - YOU ASKED FOR IT.
So i told him he's to far, to religious, and that if he has a problem with homosexuals then he has a problem with me cause some of my dearest friends are gay. He wrote back this "thanks for the observation.bye". I wanted to say good riddance. Such intolerance and ignorance is beyond me. I don't get it, never will. Then the next question hits me - WHY is THIS what I attract?!?! I have a few other choice comments saved up for the next religious nut bag who messages me.
I want to move forward and yet I want to go back. Part of me is tired. Part of me is excited. and part of me just wants to be with Bruce and that one is the worst cause I can't have that. I realized today to that I'm pissed that he's not fighting for me. If he misses me, and the idea of me dating bothers him, then why isn't he fighting for us? I guess he can't, won't...I"m not sure which it is. I have to move on. I have to let him go. Sure we can be friends, but if I'm going to find the happiness I'm looking for, I need to look for it without him. and if after a year or whatever we are both still single and he has more time, maybe then...or maybe not. I just don't have an answer or solution that satisfies me. That hurts on a mental as well as an emotional level because I honestly thought I'd be doing it all with him. I don't like feeling like I'm in quicksand.
On another note, my daughter is turning 4 this month. That is also on my mind a lot. Age, time, where does it go. She's getting older, so am I and so are my parents. I see changes in them and I'm sure they see plenty in me. So Abby is all about her birthday and turning 4 and being a "big girl". I want her to stay small, stay little don't grow up so fast. Don't become the leader just yet. Be carefree for as long as you can.
Cause as I was telling my friend A the other day, we were all great 20 years ago...then life hit us in the face and everything changed.
Since the "dog date" as I'll refer to it from now on, I have received some odd messages off of a dating site I'm on. I didn't know that I was attractive to religious zealots. I clearly have on my profile that I'm laughing about religion. So this guy, who lives in PA mind you, (not near CT by a long shot) basically goes on and on about how he hopes to find the woman of his dreams, and he wants an honest down to earth woman who is god-fearing, yadda,yadda.
He tells me I'm beautiful and lovely and several other adjectives that are nice. The whole message reads weird and he writes it all in caps. Which reads to me like he's yelling at me. No thanks. I decide to check his profile to see what he's about. He flat out states that "prostitutes and homosexuals" need to steer clear. WHAT?!?!
Being the kind person that I am, I wrote back. I hate when I message a guy and he never responds. so I say, "Thanks for the kind words, but I don't think we'd be a good match. Good Luck in your search". Nice right? Not to much, but still being honest.
He writes back " We could be a match, can you tell me why you think we wouldn't be??"
My first thought - YOU ASKED FOR IT.
So i told him he's to far, to religious, and that if he has a problem with homosexuals then he has a problem with me cause some of my dearest friends are gay. He wrote back this "thanks for the observation.bye". I wanted to say good riddance. Such intolerance and ignorance is beyond me. I don't get it, never will. Then the next question hits me - WHY is THIS what I attract?!?! I have a few other choice comments saved up for the next religious nut bag who messages me.
I want to move forward and yet I want to go back. Part of me is tired. Part of me is excited. and part of me just wants to be with Bruce and that one is the worst cause I can't have that. I realized today to that I'm pissed that he's not fighting for me. If he misses me, and the idea of me dating bothers him, then why isn't he fighting for us? I guess he can't, won't...I"m not sure which it is. I have to move on. I have to let him go. Sure we can be friends, but if I'm going to find the happiness I'm looking for, I need to look for it without him. and if after a year or whatever we are both still single and he has more time, maybe then...or maybe not. I just don't have an answer or solution that satisfies me. That hurts on a mental as well as an emotional level because I honestly thought I'd be doing it all with him. I don't like feeling like I'm in quicksand.
On another note, my daughter is turning 4 this month. That is also on my mind a lot. Age, time, where does it go. She's getting older, so am I and so are my parents. I see changes in them and I'm sure they see plenty in me. So Abby is all about her birthday and turning 4 and being a "big girl". I want her to stay small, stay little don't grow up so fast. Don't become the leader just yet. Be carefree for as long as you can.
Cause as I was telling my friend A the other day, we were all great 20 years ago...then life hit us in the face and everything changed.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Epic bad date - story 1
As promised I figured I'd tell some bad date stories. But before going into the tales, I need to put out a bit of back story. After I moved out of the house, and I was in my very first apartment, I was faced with so many new choices and decisions to make. It was overwhelming but exciting. Sad and yet I had to move forward. I had already reached a place of acceptance with being single again, and I wanted to meet some new people and see what happened. So here I was thrown into the world of internet dating. Some place I never thought I'd be.
Anyway, after a few months of talking to people online I realized several things. Many men are only interested in online sex chat (which by the way, is the dumbest thing ever. How is that hot? How is that even remotely a turn on?) or many of them are married and lying about it, or dating and lying about it. It's funny(and not) how many men claim to be single but really aren't. In the process of all this, I met a seemingly normal nice guy..remember what I said about all things being GREAT on paper..yeah....
After talking online for a while, and then talking on the phone, he seemed stable to me, no red flags, a dad with a daughter, has shared custody, seemed normal. So we decided to meet for coffee. (Starbucks must be like an Achilles heel for me in terms of dating...every date I've met there has gone south. Mental note: pick another place.)
So he was 20 minutes late. He texted me as such so I did wait. He was pretty good looking and again, pretty nice. So we talked or should I say, he talked for most of the date, and it was all about him - his "business" which sounded a lot like a pyramid scheme even though he kept saying over and over again, "it's not a pyramid scheme"...which of course convinced me that's exactly what it was. So in an effort to engage and try and find out who this guy is I went with a couple of standards. Music and books. Easy ones right? Like who DOESN'T like music and who DOESN'T read?
I ask him - "what kind of music do you listen to?"
he says, "Well, I don't really listen to a lot of music." RED FLAG, RED FLAG, RED FLAG....
he asks me, "you tell me, what are some of the bands you listen to?"
This is easy for me of course. So I start naming off some standards.
"oh, I love all kinds of music. rock, pop, jazz, R&B, hard rock...you know Bruce Springsteen, The black Crowes, old AC/DC, Al Greene, Aretha Franklin to Clark Terry..."
Now, his response will forever shock me. I've told this story many times and it still amazes the fuck out of me.
He says, "hmmm...I don't really recognize any of those artists you mention."
Ok, I could understand MAYBE had I said things like Over the Rhine, Kings of Leon, David Gray, Nickel Creek, but ARETHA FRANKLIN??? AL GREEN??? AC/DC??? At that moment it felt like someone had just taken a knife and stabbed me right in the heart. Or punched my heart. Either way I was wounded. I immediately started to work out how I could leave the date without it being obvious. Like would it be bad if I just ran screaming out the door??
So then he goes, "That Aretha Franklin, they call her the Queen of Soul..Why is that?" ALARMS SOUNDING, ALARMS SOUNDING - GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE......
I had also mentioned Whitesnake..I mean they are still good and Christ David Coverdale can sing like nobody's business..and I was grasping for anything..He goes, "oh yea I like Whitesnake!"
YES! I'm figuring ok, 80's rock I can roll with this..."David Coverdale is amazing isn't he?"
"Who's that?" RED FLAG!!!! RED FLAG!!! RED FLAG!!!
So I had to explain "that's the lead singer of Whitesnake." (sigh)
I decided to abandon the music ship cause obviously this would never amount to anything. So I figured books. Can't go wrong with books.
"What's the last book you read?"
"Oh I don't read much, I really just read self help books, you know ,self improvement books cause I"m always trying to be a better person. that's my focus always. Bettering myself."
LEAVE NOW!!! LEAVE NOW!!! This is what the voice in my head is screaming....I was exhausted. I mean who the fuck doesn't read?!?! Like not even magazines? The newspaper? NOTHING?!?! No genre of fiction or biography or anything peaked his interest. He was all about himself and was a "self contained unit".
At that point I had to leave to pick up Abby, THANK GOD, so I made my exit vowing to never speak to him again.
I called my mom and told her about the date. I could tell she was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.
"Well he seems nice..maybe you could introduce him to some of the music you like and you could learn together."
"MOM, I am NOT looking to teach someone the HISTORY OF MUSIC!!! i mean COME ON, AL GREEN?!?!"
She finally gave in and goes, "(sigh) yeah that's weird."
That whole date was a life lesson. Learning what you will and won't put up with in a relationship. I could never, and would never be with someone who has no concept of where music started, where its going, and why its wonderful. Music is a lifeline, a backdrop to all of life's events. How many of us can pinpoint events in our lives just by hearing one song?? There are so many things that have happened to me and to others that have been mirrored by one song or another. To this day it still happens. I can't imagine living - no existing in a world with no music. It pains me to even think of it.
Don't you worry, this is not the last date story....there are more to come. Like I said, be thankful its me and not you. :)
Anyway, after a few months of talking to people online I realized several things. Many men are only interested in online sex chat (which by the way, is the dumbest thing ever. How is that hot? How is that even remotely a turn on?) or many of them are married and lying about it, or dating and lying about it. It's funny(and not) how many men claim to be single but really aren't. In the process of all this, I met a seemingly normal nice guy..remember what I said about all things being GREAT on paper..yeah....
After talking online for a while, and then talking on the phone, he seemed stable to me, no red flags, a dad with a daughter, has shared custody, seemed normal. So we decided to meet for coffee. (Starbucks must be like an Achilles heel for me in terms of dating...every date I've met there has gone south. Mental note: pick another place.)
So he was 20 minutes late. He texted me as such so I did wait. He was pretty good looking and again, pretty nice. So we talked or should I say, he talked for most of the date, and it was all about him - his "business" which sounded a lot like a pyramid scheme even though he kept saying over and over again, "it's not a pyramid scheme"...which of course convinced me that's exactly what it was. So in an effort to engage and try and find out who this guy is I went with a couple of standards. Music and books. Easy ones right? Like who DOESN'T like music and who DOESN'T read?
I ask him - "what kind of music do you listen to?"
he says, "Well, I don't really listen to a lot of music." RED FLAG, RED FLAG, RED FLAG....
he asks me, "you tell me, what are some of the bands you listen to?"
This is easy for me of course. So I start naming off some standards.
"oh, I love all kinds of music. rock, pop, jazz, R&B, hard rock...you know Bruce Springsteen, The black Crowes, old AC/DC, Al Greene, Aretha Franklin to Clark Terry..."
Now, his response will forever shock me. I've told this story many times and it still amazes the fuck out of me.
He says, "hmmm...I don't really recognize any of those artists you mention."
Ok, I could understand MAYBE had I said things like Over the Rhine, Kings of Leon, David Gray, Nickel Creek, but ARETHA FRANKLIN??? AL GREEN??? AC/DC??? At that moment it felt like someone had just taken a knife and stabbed me right in the heart. Or punched my heart. Either way I was wounded. I immediately started to work out how I could leave the date without it being obvious. Like would it be bad if I just ran screaming out the door??
So then he goes, "That Aretha Franklin, they call her the Queen of Soul..Why is that?" ALARMS SOUNDING, ALARMS SOUNDING - GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE......
I had also mentioned Whitesnake..I mean they are still good and Christ David Coverdale can sing like nobody's business..and I was grasping for anything..He goes, "oh yea I like Whitesnake!"
YES! I'm figuring ok, 80's rock I can roll with this..."David Coverdale is amazing isn't he?"
"Who's that?" RED FLAG!!!! RED FLAG!!! RED FLAG!!!
So I had to explain "that's the lead singer of Whitesnake." (sigh)
I decided to abandon the music ship cause obviously this would never amount to anything. So I figured books. Can't go wrong with books.
"What's the last book you read?"
"Oh I don't read much, I really just read self help books, you know ,self improvement books cause I"m always trying to be a better person. that's my focus always. Bettering myself."
LEAVE NOW!!! LEAVE NOW!!! This is what the voice in my head is screaming....I was exhausted. I mean who the fuck doesn't read?!?! Like not even magazines? The newspaper? NOTHING?!?! No genre of fiction or biography or anything peaked his interest. He was all about himself and was a "self contained unit".
At that point I had to leave to pick up Abby, THANK GOD, so I made my exit vowing to never speak to him again.
I called my mom and told her about the date. I could tell she was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.
"Well he seems nice..maybe you could introduce him to some of the music you like and you could learn together."
"MOM, I am NOT looking to teach someone the HISTORY OF MUSIC!!! i mean COME ON, AL GREEN?!?!"
She finally gave in and goes, "(sigh) yeah that's weird."
That whole date was a life lesson. Learning what you will and won't put up with in a relationship. I could never, and would never be with someone who has no concept of where music started, where its going, and why its wonderful. Music is a lifeline, a backdrop to all of life's events. How many of us can pinpoint events in our lives just by hearing one song?? There are so many things that have happened to me and to others that have been mirrored by one song or another. To this day it still happens. I can't imagine living - no existing in a world with no music. It pains me to even think of it.
Don't you worry, this is not the last date story....there are more to come. Like I said, be thankful its me and not you. :)
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