Late summer musings

So I survived the 40th birthday. No major fanfare, fireworks or drunken escapades. I hung out with my girls, we talked, and laughed. Or more accurately they recounted their favorite "Jen dating stories". So for my friends who where there and hadn't heard them, I retold them. We all laughed. Great food, good stories and laughter. It was PERFECT. Summer moved on...I started my new job. To backtrack, early June I applied for a job, and after much back and forth I got it. I was overjoyed. I worked for 6 months on trying to get into this place. It was validation for me and finally I could breathe. So I've been there a little over a month now and its great. the atmosphere is calm, and the people are so nice. How rare is it for total strangers to say hello? in the workplace it normally is. Not here. I was taken aback when someone I didn't know said hello to me. I've learned to smile even more at work. It's mood boosting. Towards the end of June I decided to dip my toe back into dating. Well - it's been amusing. Once again I'm amazed by the things men will ask you on a dating site. Things they'd NEVER ask you in person, but the beauty of the interwebs is you never have to face a person if you don't want to. So, I've been asked if I want to be with a man who is in a OPEN relationship. hmmm...does your WIFE know you're in an open relationship? I doubt it. I also got asked to be with a "sugar daddy". that was a new one. He would pay for things as long as I would go out with him...hmmm again while I have bills I need to pay, not worth it to be basically considered an escort. I'll pass THANKS. Men from Missouri to India have messaged me...NEITHER are close last time I checked. and while I think 60 isn't old, I'm not looking to date a man who is 60. Same goes for the 22 year old. Just....NO. What have I learned from all of this? I'm tired. This exhausts me. Which only fosters the belief I had back in March that I'm not ready for this. I just don't want it. A large part of me wants MY time. ME. ME ALONE. ME DOING WHATEVER I WANT. So I"m caught between wanting it all and wanting none of it. If some magic karma like love at first sight kind of thing happens - cool. But I have other things to work on. I think I've been looking for approval from the wrong places. Looking for a man to make me forget the things in my life that I don't like. Put another way, looking for a distraction from what I actually need to get done to move forward in my life. The problem with this is, I've forgot how to listen to myself, and I've forgot that any change, starts from within, and I'll never get that condo/house if I don't start really, and truly tackling the issues in my life. I need to look for approval from myself. I need to really listen to that gut that has never steered me wrong. In conjunction with my own desire to meditate if you will, and seek some direction from within, I will continue the therapy. Because that's one step in the right direction, and one step in a way that will continue to foster a sense of success. Cause right now, I'm battling every negative voice in my head. I'm hearing that negative voice that's ever told me I can't do something. that's what's ruling my life right now. It's very difficult to ignore that voice. Especially when they've spent the whole of your life telling you what to do. So sometimes, when I procrastinate, that really isn't me being lazy, I think it's me being afraid. Afraid to be successful at what I actually want. Afraid to do something other than listen to those negative voices...you shouldn't eat that...you need to lose weight...you'll fail at this like you did everything else...no one wants to hire someone who is overweight...men only want skinny girls...Such bullshit. I wish I could explain to people how loud that voice is. Sometimes its almost impossible to hear my own. It's like my voice is being crushed by an elephant and she can barely get the words out...YOU ARE GREAT. YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH. YOU CAN MOVE MOUNTAINS. YOU ARE A GREAT MOM. I'm trying to help her get louder. ****************** On a completely separate note, my child starts 2nd grade next week. Boy how fast time moves. She is more beautiful and smart with every passing day. I'm so proud of her and lucky to be her mom. She gives me tremendous joy. So while there are days that I miss what once was, I know that my ex and I were meant to be together for a short time only - we were meant to bring her into the world and watch her shine. It's so much fun. ******************** Still on track to get the tattoo. Saw first sketch of what I'm likely going to get. Its lovely. Also reached out for some tattoo artist suggestions in my area. So, the plan is in progress. Some pain is necessary when trying to be reborn into what you are meant to be. Whatever that is. Stay tuned kids.

What I'm looking at and looking for

As I've stated before, I'm what one would call an infrequent writer. Which doesn't do much for ones writing skills, but there it is. I think I last posted in January..and it's now June. Hence the term "infrequent". That being said, I always swore I wasn't going to manufacture stuff to write about, I wanted to keep this honest and forthright. I wanted to make this a conversation with my friends as much as a conversation with myself. Because I'm usually moved to write when my brain is full. When stress, or life or just everything is banging around in my head and I can't make sense of any of it. So I spill it all out here and try and make sense of it. My sis asked me once if I hold anything back ever or do I always put it all out there. I told her yes, some things I do hold back for privacy reasons, but if I want to write from a place of honesty, then I have to be real with myself. I have to show my insecurities my dumb thoughts and my occasional smart ones as well. So with that being said, let's talk about therapy. Everyone has a different view point on it. Many think it's very helpful, others think its a crock of shit, some think it's only for crazy people. I never had an opinion on it. I knew that it could be helpful, but ultimately you have to be committed to it in order for it to work. I've thought on and off about going for a long time but was never ready. Never quite there. When my marriage was in trouble, the ex and I tried marriage counseling, and I think it could have worked - had we done it sooner. I was committed 100% but I didn't realize how far emotionally and mentally he had walked away. So it wasn't successful for us. So I shelved it as I didn't think I needed it. I figured, I don't have problems like people who need therapy. Which, now that I think about it, is fucking dumb. I mean what does a "person who needs therapy" look like?? The main reason why I had even considered it was I need questions about my own behavior answered. Why do I procrastinate so much? Why am I unmotivated to exercise more? Why do I sometimes feel paralyzed to make a decision? Where the fuck am I going in life? See I couldn't answer any of these questions on my own. I'm great at dispensing advice to others, but horrible at answering that shit for myself. Still can't really. But as with most things in life, a breaking point came. I had to visit my doctors office for a general checkup. No big deal. The Dr. asked me one question. "How are you?" Funny how sometimes one question is far more than you can deal with. I laughed a little, then spilled out a lot of words all at once, in between tears and nose blowing. I'm losing my job, don't know when, moved home, stressed, frustrated, blah, blah, blah...and she said the best thing. "well, it seems like you have the tools to fix things, but maybe you need some direction." Until that exact moment, I had never considered therapy as "direction". But that is exactly what it is. So I found someone to talk to. I've been going for a couple months now. I have to say my only regret is that I didn't do this sooner. After the first couple sessions, I said to her, "sometimes I feel silly doing this. I know there are people who have real, terrible problems and I feel like my issues are nothing in comparison." She looked at me and said, "Yes, some people have a lot worse problems than you. But don't you deserve to take care of yourself as much as anyone else does?" I do. I don't feel silly any longer. I have explained to friends that therapy feels like this - Let's say you spend your whole life looking out of the same window. The therapist tells you to look out that same window and says, "look at that bird fountain." Suddenly your world view is entirely different. You never saw that bird fountain before. EVER. So you readjust your view. You figure out how this changes things, makes it better or worse. It is not easy. Not at all. But like with this blog, I vowed to commit to it,and be 100% open and honest. I can't change other people, I learned that a LONG time ago. But, I can change ME. I can be better. If I want certain results, and what I've been doing hasn't worked, then I need to do something different. It's easy to say certain things about myself. I'm stubborn. I'm impatient at times. I procrastinate. It's entirely different to admit, out loud, to a stranger, the parts of yourself that you don't tell anyone about. THAT is hard. But, while every other visit seems to end in tears, I don't regret it one bit. It's been extremely helpful, and if some people judge me because of it, so be it. I don't give a fuck and I'll never apologize for it. Is it so wrong to want to understand myself better? Nah. not at all. With all this attempt at self discovery, I've taken a break from dating. I'm open to the idea of meeting someone, but I'm not actively doing anything about it. the guy I was seeing/dating back in January ended in February. One of those things where we just stopped talking. Oh and I forgot his birthday. Yea I'm an asshole. I mean had I truly cared I would have remembered. Well...apparently I did not care as much as I thought because I completely forgot. Then wondered why he didn't talk to me for like 3 days. Nice Jen. Way to go. So, we just...faded. That is when I said enough. I need a break. a breather. a step back. I did go out on one date recently - it was alright. He was a nice guy - but didn't want to get involved with a woman with a young child. Eh, so it goes. I would love to meet a nice man who wants one girl. Oh and preferably a man is who is single himself. Not married, in a relationship, etc. At this point if it was a single woman I'd be down with that. Just a person who is also single. Although right now I'm not really a great sell. I mean here's my bio - I'm 39, single mom with child, moved home with parents, losing my job in likely 3 months, have a cat, I do have a car! and oh yea I'm in therapy. Doesn't that sound awful??? I mean I know I'm a good person, big heart, and I'd love the right person 110%..but Jesus who wants to get involved in my fucking mess?? I mean one of the first questions I ask a guy is, "Do you live in your mothers basement? Do you have your own place? Do you tie women up in the basement? Do you have a job?" So how the fuck can I judge when I'm ALL of those things? well, practically. At least I can laugh at all of it. Otherwise I'd be in the fetal position crying. Which I've considered don't get me wrong. I'm sure things will change - the one constant about life is that it will change. Maybe I'll grab hold of my shit and it will even out.... So i'm now only a matter of weeks away from the big 40. I'm still committed to the tattoo thing - I reached out to an artist friend of mine to draw me something since I'm inept at putting together what I want. He is going to do it and I'm super excited. So that is a goal I can manage to get excited about. Other things might be complete shit but at least that will work. HA I'm also planning a little shindig for me and my friends to celebrate the 40th. I'm not a big Casino person, Lord I have so little money as it is, I'm going to give it away like that? Nah..I just want to hang out, drink, and laugh with my girlfriends. Be silly. Be funny, be happy. My bestest friend is offering up her house and yard, so it should be great. It will be wonderful to be with my extended family of sisters. :)They likely have no idea how much I love them and how much they bring me joy. So while we could go out to a fancy place, and get all dressed up...that's not me. I'm a beer and shorts or jeans kind of girl..sit by a fire and talk about silly things or things we love. Cause the only thing I do well, is ME. It's all I know how to do.

Reflections and shit

Here we are. On the brink of another new year. Since I hate resolutions we just won't even discuss them. However I'm not against some reflection. this fall has been...odd. I left my apartment in September to move home. Every womans dream to move home with mom and dad at 39. We leave home with the intention of never living there again. Money can change that decision right quick. My apartment was becoming more of a burden than a joy, and since my child comes first, the next best choice was moving home. It's been an adjustment for my parents as well as me. Overall however it's been good. Doing our best to be respectful of both parties and not interrupt each others space. I'm paying rent to my parents because there is no way, in good conscience that I could have moved back here and not help out. Had I done that, I would have been taking advantage. The peanut loves it of course. Much for freedom to run outside and be a kid. Which is as good for her as it is for me. So the goal is that I'm not here forever. Save some money, get a condo or small house to call my own. We'll see how that goes. But that's the goal. Another fall change was my ex and his wife had a baby. A little baby boy who looks a lot like is sister. Little babies are so wonderful. They enter the world with no preconceived notions or knowledge of the ills of the world. I visited them a few times, held the little boy and marveled at how relaxing it is when its not your child! I placed him on my chest and his head was right under my chin, and he fell fast asleep. Breathing soundly, listening to my heart I guess. I really wish there was a way to bottle that sense of calm it gives me. Holding a baby like that is such a perfect moment. Brought me right back to holding the peanut and falling asleep with her just like he was on my chest. Its magic. It's so much good in a such a little package. I know I don't want to carry any more kids, but I'm more than happy to put one to sleep and cuddle them in a chair. The peanut is now 6 so she's not that small anymore. But I relish the time she spends in my lap and resting on my arms. It won't last forever. I have a limited window left for lap time. So it is nice to see her little tiny brother and hold him. It's not wierd to me, it's not odd. We are friends and actually, I'm glad of that. I'm glad we've managed to be so much better than the statistics. That was October. So after the birth of the baby, the end of October ushered in a hurricane displacing my sis and her roommate from Jersey to this little house. I can't lie, I liked having them here. I think it was good on a few levels. My sis got to spend quality time with her niece, who loves her sooo much. My sis also got to see the changes in our parents up close. It was good for her to see all that. But also, it was fun. We laughed a lot. We helped each other, she cooked some fabulous meals and we spent time together. I miss her when she isn't here, so thanks to such a devastating hurricane, I got extra time with my sis. It was good for both of us I think. Then before you know it it's December. Christmas shopping, working, running,running,running...my favorite time of year. However joyful it was, the end of the month was colored by tragedy. I live here in CT, so the tragedy in Newtown was especially close to home. It was felt by everyone in this state and all over the world. Everything I've done since that Friday is colored by thoughts of 20 6 and 7 year olds who no longer walk the earth. I look at my child, and I see other faces. I wash her clothes, brush her hair, tuck her in bed and I see parents who can't do any of that anymore. Even if they have other kids to care for, they are well aware that one child is missing. That there is another room they won't go to at night. How do you deal with that? As a parent how can you move forward? I don't know what I'd do. I've had rough days where I didn't want to get out of bed but I forced myself to move because I had to - because I had to work, to provide for my child - what happens when that child, who motivated you, no longer is there? How does one move forward from that? I just don't know. I'm so saddened by it. Such senseless violence. How does one decide to do that? I realize only a mentally deranged person would act upon such thoughts, but it pains me to imagine those poor children. The media is moving on from the story, and I suppose we are supposed to move on. But it's in my thoughts and while I'm happy, blessed and thankful, I can't let it go. I can't stop thinking of those children and teachers who lost their lives. I guess that's the lesson isn't it? To never forget so it is not repeated...and yet mental illness is still a tragic problem in this country and we see this type of tragedy more frequently. While they are all upsetting and sad, something about small children being senselessly killed that makes it horrific and numbing. I've tried to do something to make me feel better while also being helpful. I donated a little money, made snowflakes for the school reopening, and donated school supplies. What I really wanted to do, which i know was impractical, was go stand on a street corner and just give out hugs. I"m sure there'd be plenty of people thinking I was a wack job but hugs do help! They do make it better even if for only a brief moment. unfortunately that entire town will need to recover in that manner - moment by moment. In a smaller sort of tragedy but no less awful, my parents had to put down their dog of 12 years. A boxer who loved being a lap dog even though she was 60 pounds. A dog with a cast iron stomach who, in her life, ate everything she could get her mouth on. Butter, loaves of bread, bagels, cake, nylons, socks, meat, bananas..oh yea and dog food. She will be missed...that was right before christmas. Such a tough time to say goodbye to anyone let alone a pet. Saving grace of the weekend was my sis and her boxer Casey. Casey doled out extra love and attention to mom and dad. The house is quieter without the dog. It is odd to not see her on her bed, or paroling the area for food as she often did. Dogs are so loyal and loving. They fill a place in your heart that people can't. I think our solace has been that Bama is with those 26 children and teachers. Giving them love and companionship. Licking faces and sitting on laps snoring up a blue streak. RIP Bama. Christmas came and it was great. Family time, wonderfully cooked food, and sweet treats. But I do have one moment that stands out. I was about to open my gifts, as we do them one person at a time, and little peanut says, "Mom, wait, I'll be right back I have to do something." I was like ok. She comes back after a couple minutes and gives me a card. Plain white paper, and wrote on with a blue pen. It says, "Mom I love you so much" which was sweet enough. but when I opened the inside it said this "Mom you worked so hard to raise me. Love Abby." Well, I lost it. I cried. a lot. She ran over to me and climbed in my lap and gave me a big hug. I can't express adequately what that felt like. No one asked her to do that, she just did it. I looked up and my sister was crying, my dad had teared up and my aunt was crying. I felt like the grinch. My heart grew three sizes that day. She spelled a couple things wrong but who cares?! It was the most perfect card i've ever got in my life. I second guess myself all the time as a mom. Am I doing this right? Does she look ok? Does this match? Did I get her lunch packed? Did I give her enough hugs today? Am I teaching her enough? Worrying about money, and my job, and taking care of her, and all the while giving her the right amount of attention and space...that card made me realize that in her eyes I'm alright. I'm doing a fine job. She is so smart and sweet and lovely. I know that I'm lucky she's in my world. She makes me infinitely happy even when I don't feel it. Even when I cry out of stress and anger, even when I'm exhausted, she gives me calm and peace. It was by far the best gift I received. Last topic for tonight. The guy I'm currently seeing...or dating, or whatever the fuck we're doing. SO it's been what, 4 months? yea how do I end up meeting these really nice guys who have commitment issues? I mean he's a good guy, great heart and is nice to me. Likes me, cares for me, but yet can't seem to make real time for me, and when I say things like "I miss you" he says...wait for it... NOTHING. what?!?! yup nothing. when I say things like "I can't wait to see you" i get...nothing. Now it's not as if i'm asking for a love letter written in blood. Just some level of excitement would be nice. Something that indicates you might actually want to spend time with me. You know, maybe you, as a MAN could initiate it. I feel like i'm putting in more effort. Who knows I could very well be the asshole. Maybe i'm wishing for there to be more there that isn't. Maybe he's been super upfront from the beginning and I've just been ignoring it. He says he's bucking conventional wisdom and moving "slow". Ok slow is not really what we're doing - SNAIL'S PACE is more like it. I'm patient and impatient all at the same time. I just don't know what's going to happen here. 4 months and I feel like its no different than it was 4 months ago. Which is enormously frustrating as I"m sure you can imagine. Such is my life. So. what do I do? I have no idea. Move forward I guess. Suck it up and keep going. My issue is tiny compared to what some are dealing with I know this. So 2013 is around the bend and I'm not going to make any real decisions just yet. I think i'll let 2013 sink in a bit and then decide. Cause let me tell you, it's 6 months till 40. Till I party like a rock star. Celebrate life I say cause it's rare and precious and I'm amazed I've made it. We're all stronger than we think. Happy New Year everyone. Go be great.

Women of the world unite!

It was a 70 degree day today. Crazy that the end of October is closing with t-shirt weather. Thank you Global Warming. So much going on.... While I typically keep my political leanings to myself, these days my level of disgust with the political landscape is palpable. Partically with the discussions on womens rights. Which is amusing to me in the sense that why MEN are discussing what WE as WOMEN get to do with our bodies is just craziness. I'm not talking about just the election either - I'm talking about politicians making my rights as a woman their priority. So many times I've wanted to scream at the TV "Who the fuck do you think you are?" As a woman I deserve to have the opportunity to make decisions about myself and my body without legislation looking over my shoulder to say NO you can't do that. No one should tell me, option A and B are available to you, there is option C, but the government has banned that choice. Then how the fuck is it CHOICE if you've banned it? That is the entire premise behind being pro-choice - and not just abortion but everything in life! We are a nation of choosers. We have the freedoms we have because our forefathers decided that we did not have the choices we wanted. The Freedom to live and worship and work in a way we wanted. Even if you never use the options available to you, the fact that they exist is exactly the foundation this country was built upon. CHOICE. Option is what makes freedom wonderful. I have a vagina, a man does not. Until a man has a vagina, experiences a period and gives birth to a child, he has NO RIGHT to tell me how to care for my body. I certainly don't walk around telling men how to care for their dick. Along the line of this, the words of Senator Todd Akin “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.” are disturbing - you'd think he was a caveman. Never mind the fact that scientifically this is IMPOSSIBLE but it is also RIDICULOUS!!! The female body is an amazing mix of function and design, however if it were able to "shut things down" don't you think we'd have chosen that for other things? Like I don't know...say..the PERIOD??? I mean if my body had the capability to do that I'd be thrilled! Do you think women want to get their aunt flo every month?!? So to even suggest that the female body can differentiate rape is asinine. As many have said since those statements, rape is rape. It is horrible no matter how it occurs. Women should be able to vist any facility they want to, and be treated like human beings as opposed to victims. It seems to me Mr. Akin would prefer to keep us locked in a basement somewhere and fed food and water once a week. We women are better seen and not heard right Mr. Akin? Don't get me wrong - I'm not against Republicans. I have always said that if a republican candidate emerges who meshes with my views and the democratic contender stinks, I'd happily vote republican. But I have yet to see a republican who treats me, a citizen of this great nation with respect and concern. Until that day, I vote with whom aligns most with what I believe it. Regardless of who you cast your vote for, make sure you've done the research and they are helping you not hurting you. Because depending upon who you vote for, the rights you enjoy today may be gone in 6months.

Slightly obsessed with Frank Ocean

Frank Ocean. I can't.stop.listening. My sister, being cooler than me, and 8 years younger, and having lived in NYC forever, gets into things before everyone else.She's been in love with it for like two months now. She has a blog which I view daily, and she posted something about how much she loved his new album. I was like, "ok I'll have to check that out." I didn't. I've got the Spotify site on my computer, and every day, since like mid July, it suggests what I should listen to. "Channel Orange" sits right at the front. Finally I'm like, I should at least hear it. Well needless to say it blew my mind. I basically downloaded it to my phone the next day. I haven't stopped listening to it. I'm frustrated cause I can't discuss my feelings on the cd with anyone cause no one has it.lol I felt this way when I first heard the Avett Brothers. Nothing like them exists anywhere. Same with Frank. His lyrics are so deep and multilayered...he has a nearly 10 minutes song called "Pyramid". At first you think he's actually talking about Cleopatra and Pyramids, but then somewhere in the middle of the song, you realize he was dreaming. He wakes up to see a woman calling herself Cleopatra getting dressed in his hotel room...."She's working at the Pyramid tonight"...now you're like WHOA he's talking about a strip club..it's these layers of emotions that grab me. When I first read all the titles to the songs, he has a "start" and an "end". On first listen, it's just background noise. But he has this background noise inbetween some of the songs. After listening to it like a million times (still not enough) I realized what's going on and again was like HOLY SHIT...it's as if he's hanging out with friends...playing video games, turning the dial on the radio looking for another song, or the right song. So the entire album is an event. At least that is my take on it. I suppose I could be way off, but the more I listen to it, the more it feels like that. Seriously I just can't believe I never knew someone this amazing existed. He sings about his first love, which was a boy, and he sings about women. His love of both sexes makes him universal. Real and touchable. I guess my best suggestion to everyone is listen. Listen hard to something you've never heard before and be transported and transmuted.

Reflection and forgiveness

I've always liked the peacefulness of a cemetery. Don't get it twisted I do not spend free time having picnic lunches with the dead. But the solitude that exists there is something we all strive for. I mean how often do we all say "Ugh, I just need my brain to shut off." "I just need some peace and quiet." We say it all the time. Walk into your nearest cemetery and you've got it. For about the past month, I've been wanting to go visit my grandmother. I haven't been to her grave since 2008, when she passed. I typically have conversations with both grandmothers. I know, it sounds odd. But, for those of you who have lost someone special, you know what I mean. I've always believed that when a loved one passes, they may go to heaven, maybe a different place, but whereever it is, its a place in which they are their best selves. Driving now when they couldn't before, running, when legs failed them on earth, happy when pain made it so they were not. With husbands and wives they haven't seen in decades. So, on occassion, when I'm stressed, or frustrated or even when I'm happy, I say a few words to both grandmothers. "Nana, Memere, I need a break. Please give me something." or I ask them to look out for someone headed their way. "Ladies I need you to welcome in Barbara, she's had a rough go." They are guardian angels for sure. Today just happened to be the day I went to visit Memere. I had one or two things weighing on my mind today. One of which was my ex got married today. I'm happy for him, but it's still a bit odd. The other day I was looking through some things and I stumbled on our wedding invitation from 1998. I found the guest book. Awkward. So while I know we have both moved on in our lives, memories still exist. Anyway, I was on my way to do laundry at my parents, (laundry sucks. Just sayin') and who doesn't need a delay from that...So i drove to the cemetery and sat down at her grave. no one else was there- well except the other dead people, but they were pretty quiet. So i talked out loud. Told her I loved her, I missed her, and that I wish I knew what was next. I told her I wished i knew the answer to how she survived losing her husband after 10 years, and raising three kids alone. I asked her how she never met anyone else. I know that her husband Phillip was the love of her life, but I still don't know how she never wanted to meet someone else. Have more companionship, friendship and love. She never did. I cried some. Not really sure why. Just felt emotional. I told her I know she and Nana are always there for me, but sometimes it's hard and I wish they could tell me which way to go. The sky was grey and cloudy - thunderstorms getting ready to roll through. I sat in the humidity and stared at the blackeyed susans. Feeling the hot breeze while the hawks flew overhead. The nearest I've come to meditation of any sort in a long time. I left feeling a little less burdened. Oh and my laundry did get done. Tomorrow is a trip to Boston, Coldplay concert, some drinking, shopping, and bullshitting. The girls weekend myself and a best friend have been trying to plan for like 3 years. LOL ************************************************************************************ On the topic of my ex getting married again, I will say again that I'm happy for him. Prior to this, I was debating about buying a card. Do I get one? Is it my place? I'm not getting one. I can't do this. Don't be an ass, just do it. It's funny how many people in your head can argue. The Buddhist voice in my head who likes to get cards for people won. They really don't have a section of wedding cards for "From Exwife to exhusband". Maybe that's my future job. Greeting cards for the divorced. I mean all the cards were over the top sappy, and I'm not that type of person, and it didn't suit the situation. There wasn't even "from a friend". So I picked something generic and used my own words. The thing is, right after I gave it to them, I felt good. See I'm starting to realize something. True forgiveness of another person, whomever they may be, comes only when you start acting like it. I forgave myself a long time ago for errors committed during our marriage, and I forgave him, but taking that extra step and acting that way is hard. It's easy to listen to the spiteful bitch in your head - but that is exactly who that voice is - a spiteful bitch who operates from a position of distruction not rebuilding. The buddhist voice who suggests forgiveness is the one I need to listen to more often. She seems to know what I really want. So I listened to her again this morning when I debated about posting a positive well wish to my ex and his new wife on facebook. the voices in my head argued again, and I could hear her, quiet but strong. So, I posted it, and I felt better. Interesting I thought. I hope to hear her voice more often and I'm thinking she'll get louder each time I listen. Then she can step on each spiteful, critical voice and reduce them to what they are. Nothing.

Permanent Ink

So I'm finally getting a tattoo. Yup. After years of thinking about it, picturing it in my head, and talking about it, I made the appointment. For many years I figured I'd never get one cause I'd never be able to decide on what to get. I didn't want to just get anything and then years later someone asks me about it.."Hey why'd you get that tat?" and my response is "I don't know, I was sorta drunk and it seemed like a good idea." yea, that's no way to make a decision about something permanent on your body. After I had my peanut, I was convinced I wanted one. No more wavering. I set a goal - by the time I'm 40. (Hey tats cost money kids.) Plus I figured that would give me time to decide what I wanted, and where I wanted it. I knew I wanted something to represent my peanut. She is everything to me. sun, moon, stars. A few weeks ago, I was with a girlfriend who is getting one, and I went with her to make her appointment. While standing there, listening to them talk, I decided...fuck it. What am I waiting for? You know you want this. Go for it. So I made an appointment for myself. It will likely hurt, I'll cry and laugh, will probably have to pee midway through, it will cost to much, and I'll stress over placement. But so what? I want something to represent my daughter and my love for her. I've chosen a dragon. Inspiration comes from a dragon necklace I bought at a renaissance faire which I totally love. (I can hear my sister laughing right now. Huzzah!!) It is supposed to be a representation of Grendel, the dragon in the epic tale of Beowolf. I've always felt Grendal was wronged. She was protecting her young. I know, as a mother, if someone ever harmed my child, and god forbid caused her death I would become the vigilante hunter. There is no greater pain than the loss of a child - I would seek restitution. So the protective nature of dragons appeals to me. As for how to get abby in the picture - she suggested a rose. So it may be a dragon wrapped around a rose. We shall see. I'm culling pictures and I have one hanging on my fridge that I stare at daily. I love it every time I look at it. I figure if i still love it in another month, that's the one. As for where...I don't know. I want to be able to see it. My arm? my back? Unsure. I realize this is an important decision. No moving placement around once its started. So i'm trying to figure that out. Its become more and more important to me as the years pass. Not sure why, I just know that my child is everything to me. I asked my dad what he thought and his sage words of advice were, "Well...you have to live with it." Thanks dad. My mom is creeped out and afraid of disease regardless of the advances in sanitary disposal and cleaning of needles. She is convinced that I will contract some horrible infection, disease, life threatening illness. Doesn't matter how clean I told her the place is, how professional, that I know people who have gone to this artist..nope. No convincing her otherwise. I love the way parents think. I know, that some day my child will eye roll me, and sigh or shake her in head in exasperation over some dumb comment I've made. I'll back up some long held conviction and she'll look at me and go "WHAT?!" I know this cause I do this now to my own parents. I love them with all my heart. Defend them forever and do anything for them. But when I hear them say things that have no basis in reality I can't help but laugh and be like, "really?" But that is the way it is when we get older. Personally I'm excited at the prospect of getting old, being obnoxious and wearing crazy clothes, and people will laugh at me, get mad but ultimately go, "sigh, well she's old." Being a child or an old person can help you get away with anything.