Reflection and forgiveness

I've always liked the peacefulness of a cemetery. Don't get it twisted I do not spend free time having picnic lunches with the dead. But the solitude that exists there is something we all strive for. I mean how often do we all say "Ugh, I just need my brain to shut off." "I just need some peace and quiet." We say it all the time. Walk into your nearest cemetery and you've got it. For about the past month, I've been wanting to go visit my grandmother. I haven't been to her grave since 2008, when she passed. I typically have conversations with both grandmothers. I know, it sounds odd. But, for those of you who have lost someone special, you know what I mean. I've always believed that when a loved one passes, they may go to heaven, maybe a different place, but whereever it is, its a place in which they are their best selves. Driving now when they couldn't before, running, when legs failed them on earth, happy when pain made it so they were not. With husbands and wives they haven't seen in decades. So, on occassion, when I'm stressed, or frustrated or even when I'm happy, I say a few words to both grandmothers. "Nana, Memere, I need a break. Please give me something." or I ask them to look out for someone headed their way. "Ladies I need you to welcome in Barbara, she's had a rough go." They are guardian angels for sure. Today just happened to be the day I went to visit Memere. I had one or two things weighing on my mind today. One of which was my ex got married today. I'm happy for him, but it's still a bit odd. The other day I was looking through some things and I stumbled on our wedding invitation from 1998. I found the guest book. Awkward. So while I know we have both moved on in our lives, memories still exist. Anyway, I was on my way to do laundry at my parents, (laundry sucks. Just sayin') and who doesn't need a delay from that...So i drove to the cemetery and sat down at her grave. no one else was there- well except the other dead people, but they were pretty quiet. So i talked out loud. Told her I loved her, I missed her, and that I wish I knew what was next. I told her I wished i knew the answer to how she survived losing her husband after 10 years, and raising three kids alone. I asked her how she never met anyone else. I know that her husband Phillip was the love of her life, but I still don't know how she never wanted to meet someone else. Have more companionship, friendship and love. She never did. I cried some. Not really sure why. Just felt emotional. I told her I know she and Nana are always there for me, but sometimes it's hard and I wish they could tell me which way to go. The sky was grey and cloudy - thunderstorms getting ready to roll through. I sat in the humidity and stared at the blackeyed susans. Feeling the hot breeze while the hawks flew overhead. The nearest I've come to meditation of any sort in a long time. I left feeling a little less burdened. Oh and my laundry did get done. Tomorrow is a trip to Boston, Coldplay concert, some drinking, shopping, and bullshitting. The girls weekend myself and a best friend have been trying to plan for like 3 years. LOL ************************************************************************************ On the topic of my ex getting married again, I will say again that I'm happy for him. Prior to this, I was debating about buying a card. Do I get one? Is it my place? I'm not getting one. I can't do this. Don't be an ass, just do it. It's funny how many people in your head can argue. The Buddhist voice in my head who likes to get cards for people won. They really don't have a section of wedding cards for "From Exwife to exhusband". Maybe that's my future job. Greeting cards for the divorced. I mean all the cards were over the top sappy, and I'm not that type of person, and it didn't suit the situation. There wasn't even "from a friend". So I picked something generic and used my own words. The thing is, right after I gave it to them, I felt good. See I'm starting to realize something. True forgiveness of another person, whomever they may be, comes only when you start acting like it. I forgave myself a long time ago for errors committed during our marriage, and I forgave him, but taking that extra step and acting that way is hard. It's easy to listen to the spiteful bitch in your head - but that is exactly who that voice is - a spiteful bitch who operates from a position of distruction not rebuilding. The buddhist voice who suggests forgiveness is the one I need to listen to more often. She seems to know what I really want. So I listened to her again this morning when I debated about posting a positive well wish to my ex and his new wife on facebook. the voices in my head argued again, and I could hear her, quiet but strong. So, I posted it, and I felt better. Interesting I thought. I hope to hear her voice more often and I'm thinking she'll get louder each time I listen. Then she can step on each spiteful, critical voice and reduce them to what they are. Nothing.

Permanent Ink

So I'm finally getting a tattoo. Yup. After years of thinking about it, picturing it in my head, and talking about it, I made the appointment. For many years I figured I'd never get one cause I'd never be able to decide on what to get. I didn't want to just get anything and then years later someone asks me about it.."Hey why'd you get that tat?" and my response is "I don't know, I was sorta drunk and it seemed like a good idea." yea, that's no way to make a decision about something permanent on your body. After I had my peanut, I was convinced I wanted one. No more wavering. I set a goal - by the time I'm 40. (Hey tats cost money kids.) Plus I figured that would give me time to decide what I wanted, and where I wanted it. I knew I wanted something to represent my peanut. She is everything to me. sun, moon, stars. A few weeks ago, I was with a girlfriend who is getting one, and I went with her to make her appointment. While standing there, listening to them talk, I decided...fuck it. What am I waiting for? You know you want this. Go for it. So I made an appointment for myself. It will likely hurt, I'll cry and laugh, will probably have to pee midway through, it will cost to much, and I'll stress over placement. But so what? I want something to represent my daughter and my love for her. I've chosen a dragon. Inspiration comes from a dragon necklace I bought at a renaissance faire which I totally love. (I can hear my sister laughing right now. Huzzah!!) It is supposed to be a representation of Grendel, the dragon in the epic tale of Beowolf. I've always felt Grendal was wronged. She was protecting her young. I know, as a mother, if someone ever harmed my child, and god forbid caused her death I would become the vigilante hunter. There is no greater pain than the loss of a child - I would seek restitution. So the protective nature of dragons appeals to me. As for how to get abby in the picture - she suggested a rose. So it may be a dragon wrapped around a rose. We shall see. I'm culling pictures and I have one hanging on my fridge that I stare at daily. I love it every time I look at it. I figure if i still love it in another month, that's the one. As for where...I don't know. I want to be able to see it. My arm? my back? Unsure. I realize this is an important decision. No moving placement around once its started. So i'm trying to figure that out. Its become more and more important to me as the years pass. Not sure why, I just know that my child is everything to me. I asked my dad what he thought and his sage words of advice were, "Well...you have to live with it." Thanks dad. My mom is creeped out and afraid of disease regardless of the advances in sanitary disposal and cleaning of needles. She is convinced that I will contract some horrible infection, disease, life threatening illness. Doesn't matter how clean I told her the place is, how professional, that I know people who have gone to this artist..nope. No convincing her otherwise. I love the way parents think. I know, that some day my child will eye roll me, and sigh or shake her in head in exasperation over some dumb comment I've made. I'll back up some long held conviction and she'll look at me and go "WHAT?!" I know this cause I do this now to my own parents. I love them with all my heart. Defend them forever and do anything for them. But when I hear them say things that have no basis in reality I can't help but laugh and be like, "really?" But that is the way it is when we get older. Personally I'm excited at the prospect of getting old, being obnoxious and wearing crazy clothes, and people will laugh at me, get mad but ultimately go, "sigh, well she's old." Being a child or an old person can help you get away with anything.

Just a few things

Not really sure how to sum up the past 7 months. Let's see...highlights - joined a gym. Started eating healthy, went to two wakes, lost 12 pounds, car died, bought new car, fell off the wagon and starting eating poorly, and here I sit with a sinus infection. I'm always amazed how when looking at life you can sum it up in single words. Drill it down to pin pricks. So what to discuss...the wakes. I have to talk about it because it was painful. All within the span of a couple weeks. My ex husbands Aunt. A cancer survivor and battler. Cancer is such a scourge upon the people we know and love. Its similar to termites in my mind. You can eradicate them, and they might be gone, but if you miss some, they remultiply and tear through everything that matters to you. She was a sweet woman, and when my ex and I had first got engaged,she went out of her way to show how happy she was for us. When our daughter was born she had tears of joy while holding our little one. One day in March I think, I realized that she was more ill than I had thought. I was debating back and forth about going to see her. Was it still my place? Should I go? Yes I should go...and the back and forth in my mind. I finally decided if I didn't see her and say goodbye I'd regret it. So I went. I sucked it up and went. It was like I wasn't seeing her at all. I was seeing someone else. She was swallowed up by the bed, sinking into the blankets. She could barely speak. I got really close, kissed her forehead, told her I loved her, and that I was sorry for not seeing her sooner. She told me she loved me, and was glad I was there. I could barely hear her. It was a low whisper. You could tell the words were hard to get out. It wasn't long after that visit that she passed. I knew it. I think even harder than saying goodbye, was seeing her mother stand in the kitchen and cry. Then look at me and go "It isn't good is it?" What do you say? How do you tell a mother her child is about to die? A mother never loses hope that her child will live and thrive. A mother is not supposed to see her child go before her. Doesn't matter how young or old. So I hugged her. What else is there to do? The wake was terrible as are most wakes. All I could try and remember is that she is at peace. You know just because you get divorced, and are no longer a couple, it doesn't mean you forget all the people you spent 10 years of your life with. So I said goodbye. Then the worst part. 3 weeks later I think? her son died. He had battled drugs for years, and was not able to overcome those demons. Many of us think his mother took him - she worked so hard to try to help her son - all she wanted was for him to be sober - and I think the only way she knew that could be was for him to be with her. So it was painful to say goodbye to someone so young. So I saw my ex's grandmother again. So strong- but again how she had to say good bye to her daughter and grandchild..not right. To much death all at once. So all this death always makes one reevaluate life. So you start looking at where your going, what are your goals...and I was doing well with the working out and eating well. Proud of myself for losing 12 pounds! Such a big deal for me. I haven't lost any weight in years. and I've been loving the gym I'm going to. My trainer is supportive, and yet gets on my ass to keep moving. Then my car thing, and my dad went in the hospital for a week, and I just started to emotional eat again. and still work out. But it's a spiral. and the voices start coming in. You can't do this. You've never been able to do this. You don't know how to be committed. You can't overcome who you are. Just accept that you'll never be fit. Just give up. Then, another voice moves in. My mother. Since I began this exercise plan, I get the critical. I get the occassional word of support, but overall, it's "Can you eat that?" "When's the last time you went to the gym?" "You don't seem to be following the plan." "I don't think you can eat that." It's funny how tone can change everything. I know her intentions are good, but I don't need that from her. I need positive support. I don't need to be criticized cause I do it to myself enough. I don't need to be looked up and down. I mean I have to look in the mirror at myself. Doesn't matter how sexy I might feel, or how much I love my curves, I can see the areas that I don't like. I don't have a tight stomach. It's soft. lol. There is a roll or two in places i wasn't sure could roll. So believe me I cast that critical eye better than anyone. But I also have high self esteem. I believe in myself. I know how strong I am. I believe I'll get to where I want to be even if it takes me forever. I do love myself and all my flaws. Have you ever run your hands over your body? Have you ever touched your skin? Like really touched your skin from face to toe? I have. I have a favorite spot. When I lay on my side, or on my back,I run my hand down my side to a spot right by my hip bone. It's a curve, a little hill, a place to rest. Appreciate the skin you're in cause it's all you have. I've learned to love the parts that give me the most frustration. But I'm a work in progress. I'm ready to get back on track. To get back on plan. I have to push the voices aside. Push them away. Make them silent. Call them what they are - FEAR. SELF DOUBT. So, it begins again. So to back up a little, in June my peanut graduated from Kindergarten. How did that happen? How did my child turn 6? How did we reach this stage? I rocked her to sleep, I remember the day she was born and placed on my chest. There I was, sitting in the gym watching her smile and walk to the bleachers. She had a reading part. So to all these parents, and teachers and other kids, she had to welcome us all to the graduation. She smiled, she read perfectly, and I cried. I cried that she was so brave and so grown up in this little body. It was amazing. It also made me realize that not being overprotective, and letting her fly has been the right choice. Helping her believe in herself. So, first grade in the fall. Craziness. She is nervous, and worried. I have a little thinker on my hands. Trying to help her not think right now and just have fun. Summer is meant to be full of fun. There is some fun ahead for me. Boston in a couple weeks with a best friend, Northampton with another best friend in August, then Springsteen in September!! Oh I cannot wait for that. Taking my sister as a gift, and might be turning it into a whole weekend with great friends. Who knows what else lies ahead for the fall. As for the dating landscape...oh that's a whole nother blog entry. lol We'll see how much energy I have for that one.