The other day I logged onto Facebook and I was invited to an event. Yay! An event! I said. I opened it and was in complete disbelief. There was a picture of my high school, and on the invite was "20 YEAR CLASS REUNION!!" How is this possible? How is it that 20 years have gone by? I sat in my chair and stared at the computer. Baffled. Confused. I felt a little like throwing up but decided that wouldn't help, I'd have to clean it up...ew.
1991. I was excited that year. I was looking forward to College, reinventing myself and figuring out life. So senior year was - a joy and drudgery all at the same time. Such is high school. Friends were leaving for far away places. I think mostly I couldn't wait to get out and get on with it. I think about that girl often. Where did that girl go?
In a lot of ways I'm glad I'm not that young lady from Senior year. I had such a hard time in high school talking to people my age. I was very shy, and I didn't know how to be myself in front of everyone. I was able to be my outgoing self in front of a few close friends, but otherwise I was anxiety ridden about being laughed at or not understood if I said something. So I read a lot, and didn't speak much in class. I have a feeling a lot of people in my class figured I just didn't talk - which on a lot of days wasn't entirely inaccurate. I wanted to feel comfortable and outgoing and smiling but I had no idea how to do it. I couldn't wrap my mind around it. It was so odd for me to watch my sister go through high school. Here experience was SO different. She was very outgoing and had a ton of friends. She was involved in a bunch of stuff and had a lot of fun. I was glad for her.
College ended up being great for me - and a job in retail where you are forced to talk to strangers. Now I don't shut up.
20 years, 20 years, 20 years...that's all I can think about. I'm unsure if I want to go. There are people that might go that I"d love to see. At the very least it might be motivation for me to work out a bit more. Which is good cause all I've been doing is 'thinking' about working out. ugh.
I was talking to a close friend of mine about turning 40. We both vowed to have our shit figured out by then. We figured we haven't done it so far but hopefully by then we've got it or are at least on the right path. I look back on the past 20 years and I wouldn't change it persay, I'd improve it. I think if I could go back, I'd do some things differently, but leave the events as they were. I had a lot of fun - I met some great people, I got married, had a beautiful child, got divorced and dated again and started it all over. Sometimes its sad to me to see that my life is not at all what I thought it would be when i walked across that stage the day i graduated. I'm not saying its bad, it's quite good, it's just different. I still have goals and aspirations and dreams just like I did back in 1991. The difference is then there seemed to be endless time in front of me to achieve everything I wanted. Now time doesn't seem so endless. It seems...shorter. It's like being a speeding train heading into a tunnel. You keep bracing yourself for the end but have no idea when that is. I want to have more fun, travel and do some things with my life before another 20 years pass and I look back and wonder what I did.
I want to figure out my life. I don't feel like anything is figured out right now and that makes the timing of this reunion so emotionally confusing.
I've been listening to The Avett Brothers almost non stop these days. I can't get enough of their insightful lyrics and talents on string instruments. They have a song called "Head full of doubt and Road full of promise". They've talked about this song as leaving your youth behind and moving into a time in life where you want to build something. I get that. Making something stick, making something feel substantial and real - like it'll last forever or for as long as you breathe and maybe after. "Road full of promise". that hits in a different place in my heart. I've had some tough years so I'm hopeful that the road ahead is exactly that - full of promise. I think I'll forge ahead and see where I end up. I just hope it's at the place I want to be.
Here are the lyrics in case you may want to know more. Listening to it is worth it because the vocal harmonies are perfect.
"Head Full Of Doubt / Road Full Of Promise"
There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what's wrong and what's right
And it comes in black and it comes in white
And I'm frightened by those that don't see it
When nothing is owed or deserved or expected
And your life doesn't change by the man that's elected
If you're loved by someone, you're never rejected
Decide what to be and go be it
There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out
There's a darkness upon you that's flooded in light
And in the fine print they tell you what's wrong and what's right
And it flies by day and it flies by night
And I'm frightened by those that don't see it
There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out
There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out
There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what's wrong and what's right
There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
And I'm frightened by those that don't see it
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Commercials or mind control?
My peanut is sick. A fever, a cough and a sore throat. Not funny or fun. So it was my turn to stay home. I have to admit, when your child is sick, it's almost ok because when they are sick they're actually willing to sit in your lap, hug you and cuddle. She was all over me saying she loved me, she missed me and that I'm awesome. I'd like to bottle those words and behavior so when she's 17, hates me, and says "You're ruining my life!!" I can open that bottle and breathe deeply.
While hanging at home, in pj's, watching cartoons, I've noticed a couple things that are disturbing. The first one is why the fuck is Montell Williams hawking a payday loan site on the Sprout Network?? A KIDS CHANNEL?? Now I realize that raising a child is tough, financially as well as mentally. No one knows that better than me. I've fallen prey to the payday loan trap myself - a hole that I've been digging out of for months. But it hits my moral compass - one shouldn't be sold a scam while watching Kipper on Sprout. Basically he's telling parents, "NO worries, don't have that money for car repair? Call us and you'll have it tomorrow!" I've never been compelled to write a tv network, but I"m close. I think its wrong to show parents and children that you don't have to spend wisely and save, you can just do whatever you want with no consequences. That's appalling. It's on every 5 minutes, and my peanut has started repeating the lines. Which is odd to hear your child say, "Need cash? Short till payday?"
The bigger disturbing item is what Disney is currently doing to my emotions. I've never been to Disney and have always wanted to go. (My sister feels the same.) Abby is going to Disney in the Spring with her dad and his girlfriend. I'm totally cool with that. They will have a blast, and Abby will be amazed by everything. I'm happy for her -she's going to love it, and have a wonderful time.
but then the evil, petty, jealous bitch voice in the back of my head watches these sappy Disney commercials and goes, "well (said snidely) isn't THAT nice!" and then she starts saying obnoxious things to my logical brain. That's SOOO not me. The two commercials are as follows:
Picture the new Disney cruise ship, replete with splendour, sparkles, magic and of course mickey mouse. Everyone is having the time of their lives and nothing could be better. It's a "Don't you want to make dreams come true?" kind of commercial. So of course it makes one feel like a complete asshole. I sit on my couch going "wow, I'm a dream killer now." Nothing boosts mom confidence more than feeling like a dream killer.
The second one is the one that is completely making me mental. Actual videos shot by parents telling their kids they're going to Disney and seeing the kids reaction. It's fucking with my emotions. I see that and all I can picture is the peanut and how I won't get to do that. At least not right now. See I'm mostly logical - I know that I will get that chance, and I guess on some deep level I'm jealous. But i usually suppress that because it's not worth it. I always put peanuts best interests first, and I try not to fall prey to petty behavior and thought. It's so easy to let stuff like that take root and ruin your decisions and blurr your vision of what is right. Like I said, I'm so excited for her and she's going to have such a great time. I'm just pissed that Disney is fucking with me like this. Lol Suck it Disney.
While hanging at home, in pj's, watching cartoons, I've noticed a couple things that are disturbing. The first one is why the fuck is Montell Williams hawking a payday loan site on the Sprout Network?? A KIDS CHANNEL?? Now I realize that raising a child is tough, financially as well as mentally. No one knows that better than me. I've fallen prey to the payday loan trap myself - a hole that I've been digging out of for months. But it hits my moral compass - one shouldn't be sold a scam while watching Kipper on Sprout. Basically he's telling parents, "NO worries, don't have that money for car repair? Call us and you'll have it tomorrow!" I've never been compelled to write a tv network, but I"m close. I think its wrong to show parents and children that you don't have to spend wisely and save, you can just do whatever you want with no consequences. That's appalling. It's on every 5 minutes, and my peanut has started repeating the lines. Which is odd to hear your child say, "Need cash? Short till payday?"
The bigger disturbing item is what Disney is currently doing to my emotions. I've never been to Disney and have always wanted to go. (My sister feels the same.) Abby is going to Disney in the Spring with her dad and his girlfriend. I'm totally cool with that. They will have a blast, and Abby will be amazed by everything. I'm happy for her -she's going to love it, and have a wonderful time.
but then the evil, petty, jealous bitch voice in the back of my head watches these sappy Disney commercials and goes, "well (said snidely) isn't THAT nice!" and then she starts saying obnoxious things to my logical brain. That's SOOO not me. The two commercials are as follows:
Picture the new Disney cruise ship, replete with splendour, sparkles, magic and of course mickey mouse. Everyone is having the time of their lives and nothing could be better. It's a "Don't you want to make dreams come true?" kind of commercial. So of course it makes one feel like a complete asshole. I sit on my couch going "wow, I'm a dream killer now." Nothing boosts mom confidence more than feeling like a dream killer.
The second one is the one that is completely making me mental. Actual videos shot by parents telling their kids they're going to Disney and seeing the kids reaction. It's fucking with my emotions. I see that and all I can picture is the peanut and how I won't get to do that. At least not right now. See I'm mostly logical - I know that I will get that chance, and I guess on some deep level I'm jealous. But i usually suppress that because it's not worth it. I always put peanuts best interests first, and I try not to fall prey to petty behavior and thought. It's so easy to let stuff like that take root and ruin your decisions and blurr your vision of what is right. Like I said, I'm so excited for her and she's going to have such a great time. I'm just pissed that Disney is fucking with me like this. Lol Suck it Disney.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
How sick are you? Really?
I'm feelin' irritated. Typically I'm a low key relaxed person. Most everything rolls off my back. My mother once marveled at the fact that I could be so relaxed. I think she felt that something was wrong with me. lol
But here and there things piss me off and make me irritated. I usually talk it out with friends, and move on. On the rare occasion I get really angry - it ain't pretty. Most people run for cover and look at me like I have two heads. I can count on my hand the times in my life where I've been that mad.
Right now I'm just irritated. possibly disgusted. I don't understand people who don't regard work as a privledge. No one HAS to give you a job and keep you there. They could fire you and throw all your collectible batman figurines out in the parking lot.
My work ethic has several layers, but the main one is - GO TO WORK. I only stay out if I"m sick. I don't mean fake sick *cough,cough* I'm at the beach with a beer sick, I mean holding onto the toilet, I feel like I"m going to die right here in the bathroom sick. It baffles me the number of people that I work with who seem to feel that calling out of work for ANY reason is ok. God, I must seem like such an idiot to people. I actually give a shit about my coworkers and how my calling out will effect the team!! Am I outdated? Is there some set of new work rules in place that I've not been made a aware of?
We all go through things - tough times, sheer exhaustion, etc. but at the end of the day, someone, albeit high up the food chain, is asking YOU to do a JOB for MONEY. You have an obligation to that person/company to show up and WORK. This does not mean show up and text all day long - this does not mean multiple personal phone calls followed by aimless wandering of the halls of your employer. It means you DO something. Preferably something productive. Something that has a means to an end.
Now this is not everyone of course. The majority of people I work with are hard workers and diligent, smart people with goals and aspirations. Its those that have little regard for the whole that frustrate me. You are not entitled to a job. Do you know how many people are out of work? You are replacable at a moments notice. Do you know what its like to not receive a paycheck? For some it will happen and it will be the harshest blow - because it is likely they will never look at themselves as the problem. It will always be someone elses fault for why they failed to achieve what they thought they were entitled to.
I don't want people to be perfect. I just want people to show the fuck up. Get your ass out of bed and SHOW UP. I have plenty of days where I"m "too tired" or my stomach hurts or whatever. I still SHOW UP, and sometimes, imagine this - I WORK LATE.
I'm not saying I"m perfect. There are days where I feel sluggish, unproductive and even wander a bit. I make mistakes and I sometimes forget things. It happens. But I care about my job and who I work for. I must be crazy.
Ok so work venting is over. I feel a bit better. Still slightly ornery but not to bad...on to grammar school venting....
I found out more info. about school for the peanut. I love that the concept of half day kindergarten is exactly that - a concept. a fucking pipe dream in my book. In what way does 2hrs and 50 minutes constitute HALF DAY K??? LOL I honestly laughed out loud when I read that. Thousands of parents work 8-10 hours a day! and most of us have had our kids in full day preschool or daycare since they were babies. By the time kindergarten comes around they are Sooo ready for it! It's almost an injustice that every town doesn't offer it. I know the old argument - resources, lack of resources, money, resources..blah,blah. It would be such a benefit to parents, kids and the local economy I would think. I'm well aware however that school budgets these days are being cut back farther and farther from what they once were. I just wish "half day" actually MEANT that.
There is one school who does extended day - 8am to 12noon. That is just about as close to half day as one can get. So there is still a lot of questions about before school care, after school care, which school, etc. Tours of each school will be needed for sure. So much planning...
So it goes. I've been listening to The Avett Brothers alot. LOVE them. There is a line in one of their songs that goes "Decide what to be and go be it." That keeps running through my head. Decisions. Making them and sticking to them, moving forward to achieve what you decided to do. Not sure how to apply it to my life, but I'm working on it. See what I just said there? Man I'm funny.
One last detail, I just recently downloaded Anthony Bourdain's new book. He is irreverent and insanely smart; not to mention an old school punk with a deep love for food. His books are soooo entertaining. Check them out please! You won't be disappointed.
Oh one more final, final detail - so the other night I watched a french movie. Yes, actually in french with english subtitles. It was amazing. It's called "A Very Long Engagement" with Audrey Tautou. It is a mystery but a love story and a history lesson. It is the year 1919 and Mathilde was 19. two years earlier her fiance' left for the front lines at Somme. he was said to be killed on the field of battle. She refuses to believe it. She clings to this belief, and tracks the truth. There are flashbacks to the battlefield, stories told from different perspectives and the way the film was shot was beautiful. Anyway, I watched it on TV, but had missed the beginning. I couldn't stop thinking about it. So i went to Amazon and bought it. I know, who buys dvd's anymore..well, me. lol Then i got the directors prior film "Amelie" which is supposed to also be epicly great. They came in the mail today. I think, tomorrow, when it's snowing out, this is what I'll be watching.
After work of course.
But here and there things piss me off and make me irritated. I usually talk it out with friends, and move on. On the rare occasion I get really angry - it ain't pretty. Most people run for cover and look at me like I have two heads. I can count on my hand the times in my life where I've been that mad.
Right now I'm just irritated. possibly disgusted. I don't understand people who don't regard work as a privledge. No one HAS to give you a job and keep you there. They could fire you and throw all your collectible batman figurines out in the parking lot.
My work ethic has several layers, but the main one is - GO TO WORK. I only stay out if I"m sick. I don't mean fake sick *cough,cough* I'm at the beach with a beer sick, I mean holding onto the toilet, I feel like I"m going to die right here in the bathroom sick. It baffles me the number of people that I work with who seem to feel that calling out of work for ANY reason is ok. God, I must seem like such an idiot to people. I actually give a shit about my coworkers and how my calling out will effect the team!! Am I outdated? Is there some set of new work rules in place that I've not been made a aware of?
We all go through things - tough times, sheer exhaustion, etc. but at the end of the day, someone, albeit high up the food chain, is asking YOU to do a JOB for MONEY. You have an obligation to that person/company to show up and WORK. This does not mean show up and text all day long - this does not mean multiple personal phone calls followed by aimless wandering of the halls of your employer. It means you DO something. Preferably something productive. Something that has a means to an end.
Now this is not everyone of course. The majority of people I work with are hard workers and diligent, smart people with goals and aspirations. Its those that have little regard for the whole that frustrate me. You are not entitled to a job. Do you know how many people are out of work? You are replacable at a moments notice. Do you know what its like to not receive a paycheck? For some it will happen and it will be the harshest blow - because it is likely they will never look at themselves as the problem. It will always be someone elses fault for why they failed to achieve what they thought they were entitled to.
I don't want people to be perfect. I just want people to show the fuck up. Get your ass out of bed and SHOW UP. I have plenty of days where I"m "too tired" or my stomach hurts or whatever. I still SHOW UP, and sometimes, imagine this - I WORK LATE.
I'm not saying I"m perfect. There are days where I feel sluggish, unproductive and even wander a bit. I make mistakes and I sometimes forget things. It happens. But I care about my job and who I work for. I must be crazy.
Ok so work venting is over. I feel a bit better. Still slightly ornery but not to bad...on to grammar school venting....
I found out more info. about school for the peanut. I love that the concept of half day kindergarten is exactly that - a concept. a fucking pipe dream in my book. In what way does 2hrs and 50 minutes constitute HALF DAY K??? LOL I honestly laughed out loud when I read that. Thousands of parents work 8-10 hours a day! and most of us have had our kids in full day preschool or daycare since they were babies. By the time kindergarten comes around they are Sooo ready for it! It's almost an injustice that every town doesn't offer it. I know the old argument - resources, lack of resources, money, resources..blah,blah. It would be such a benefit to parents, kids and the local economy I would think. I'm well aware however that school budgets these days are being cut back farther and farther from what they once were. I just wish "half day" actually MEANT that.
There is one school who does extended day - 8am to 12noon. That is just about as close to half day as one can get. So there is still a lot of questions about before school care, after school care, which school, etc. Tours of each school will be needed for sure. So much planning...
So it goes. I've been listening to The Avett Brothers alot. LOVE them. There is a line in one of their songs that goes "Decide what to be and go be it." That keeps running through my head. Decisions. Making them and sticking to them, moving forward to achieve what you decided to do. Not sure how to apply it to my life, but I'm working on it. See what I just said there? Man I'm funny.
One last detail, I just recently downloaded Anthony Bourdain's new book. He is irreverent and insanely smart; not to mention an old school punk with a deep love for food. His books are soooo entertaining. Check them out please! You won't be disappointed.
Oh one more final, final detail - so the other night I watched a french movie. Yes, actually in french with english subtitles. It was amazing. It's called "A Very Long Engagement" with Audrey Tautou. It is a mystery but a love story and a history lesson. It is the year 1919 and Mathilde was 19. two years earlier her fiance' left for the front lines at Somme. he was said to be killed on the field of battle. She refuses to believe it. She clings to this belief, and tracks the truth. There are flashbacks to the battlefield, stories told from different perspectives and the way the film was shot was beautiful. Anyway, I watched it on TV, but had missed the beginning. I couldn't stop thinking about it. So i went to Amazon and bought it. I know, who buys dvd's anymore..well, me. lol Then i got the directors prior film "Amelie" which is supposed to also be epicly great. They came in the mail today. I think, tomorrow, when it's snowing out, this is what I'll be watching.
After work of course.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Resolute to not making a resolution
So here we are its 2011 and by the last post, I haven't written anything since October 19th. Back in October I was on a roll and then slowly got bogged down by life,work,exhaustion. November and December flew by with dinners and happy hours, shopping and general madness that the holidays seem to bring. Now, as always, it's reflection time. But before we get to that I'll bring you up to speed. (I know you're nail biting it right now.)
This year the holidays were sort of relaxed for me. I started my shopping early and got things done on time which is normally not my style. I'm the consummate procrastinator so normally I leave it all for last minute. Financially things have been much better so I was able to breathe and spend wisely and feel generous all at the same time. I haven't felt that way in a long while. I got a larger less shitty fake tree for christmas. Last years was a true Charlie Brown tree - complete with lean. This one was 7.5 feet of Douglas Fur likeness. Much better. My little peanut had a fabulous christmas complete with things she didn't know she wanted or needed, and of course was bored within 10 minutes after everything was unwrapped. But my sis was home with her dog, and it's always good to see her. She makes me happy. My sister I mean. lol
The other news I would guess would be that we now have a cat. Henry. He needed a home and I wanted a pet. He's great. Black and white, a year old, and loves to play but also is content to lay around and lounge. That's my kind of pet. So before he came home I went shopping and dropped $200 on cat supplies - food, litter, toys, bed, food bowls, mat for the floor, etc. Well worth it. He's happy here. He showed up and immediately made it clear that everything here is now his, including me. Which is fine. I don't necessarily mind being owned by a cat. My peanut loves him; he seems to love her but also knows when its best to run far and hide. Sometimes under the bed is the only place for peace.
With all that done, I'm looking ahead. During the Fall I tried and have been trying really hard not to do that whole look to far ahead thing. I've been trying to be present and enjoy today. But, with kindergarten looming that's hard to do. Wanting a home makes it hard to just "be present". There's planning involved with both of those things. Lots.of.planning. 2011 is being rung in by reflective me. I started looking at condos, and little houses (I should mention here that it was quite tough for me to not say "little pink houses") and realized my current saving style is not working. I need to be slightly more aggressive if I want to have something to put down on a house. The fact that I'm not treading water is good for a change - I can actually imagine saving instead of having nightmares about how far overdrawn my bank account is. But right along side this home dream is the peanut. She turns 5 in April. The registration for schools here is in late spring I think, if not earlier, and then what if I'm not living here? That's a whole nother ball of wax. I could be living in some other town. I get my new lease in May, and I don't know that I want to keep living here. So you see, one thing is predicated on another. I haven't even begun to grasp the actual concept that shes going to start school - can't even GO there...but I also can't be an ostrich. I have to start deciding where we are going to be. Saving. It's such a nebulous concept. We all have to do it - for college funds, for homes, for retirement, for travel, etc. How does one do all that saving when there are bills to pay? Granted I have less bills these days but still...they don't all disappear. On the other side of all this home and school "planning" is my relationship with The Dork. I don't know where things are headed. I hate not knowing. As I've stated in past posts, I don't wait well. Things are good, but...isn't there always a "but"? I want more than what I have. I'm not being selfish, or asking for to much; that much I know for sure. He makes me happy, I make him happy, we laugh, we talk...you know. The usual stuff...but there are things that concern me. I know his idea of the future is further away than mine. He wants to build a house. His work dictates his time lines so he may be years away from that house who knows. I want one right now. He wants to build in the sticks - sticks of where? MA? CT? I know this has always been his plan even before we met. But at the same time, where am I in his future? We've been together for over a year now, and he hasn't told me he loves me; he hasn't said that we are building a future together. He talks in terms of, "What would you say if I bought x for the house? You'd freak out right?" Which makes me think, "So, does that mean I'm part of the future or no?" I just don't know sometimes. His work is everything. Until that changes - nothing else will and I won't know what kind of man he truly is until that solves itself. The question is and has been - How long can I wait? Unfortunately I don't have an answer for that. So I stay, attempt to be present and enjoy what is in front of me. I still have that wanting to run and wanting to stay still feeling. I think about things and get nowhere. I feel like that clip that Howard Stern always plays on his show from the 3 Stooges "I try to think but nuthin' happens!!" That is about how I feel.
With 2011 just begun, I'm trying not to do any "New Years Resolutions". You end up setting yourself up for failure. Any plan you have needs to be realistic, and reachable. Otherwise you are beating yourself up before you've even begun....and who wants to start the year feeling like a complete loser? We have Valentine's Day for that. So for now, bask in the after holiday glow of feeling like a winner. It only lasts for a short time.
This year the holidays were sort of relaxed for me. I started my shopping early and got things done on time which is normally not my style. I'm the consummate procrastinator so normally I leave it all for last minute. Financially things have been much better so I was able to breathe and spend wisely and feel generous all at the same time. I haven't felt that way in a long while. I got a larger less shitty fake tree for christmas. Last years was a true Charlie Brown tree - complete with lean. This one was 7.5 feet of Douglas Fur likeness. Much better. My little peanut had a fabulous christmas complete with things she didn't know she wanted or needed, and of course was bored within 10 minutes after everything was unwrapped. But my sis was home with her dog, and it's always good to see her. She makes me happy. My sister I mean. lol
The other news I would guess would be that we now have a cat. Henry. He needed a home and I wanted a pet. He's great. Black and white, a year old, and loves to play but also is content to lay around and lounge. That's my kind of pet. So before he came home I went shopping and dropped $200 on cat supplies - food, litter, toys, bed, food bowls, mat for the floor, etc. Well worth it. He's happy here. He showed up and immediately made it clear that everything here is now his, including me. Which is fine. I don't necessarily mind being owned by a cat. My peanut loves him; he seems to love her but also knows when its best to run far and hide. Sometimes under the bed is the only place for peace.
With all that done, I'm looking ahead. During the Fall I tried and have been trying really hard not to do that whole look to far ahead thing. I've been trying to be present and enjoy today. But, with kindergarten looming that's hard to do. Wanting a home makes it hard to just "be present". There's planning involved with both of those things. Lots.of.planning. 2011 is being rung in by reflective me. I started looking at condos, and little houses (I should mention here that it was quite tough for me to not say "little pink houses") and realized my current saving style is not working. I need to be slightly more aggressive if I want to have something to put down on a house. The fact that I'm not treading water is good for a change - I can actually imagine saving instead of having nightmares about how far overdrawn my bank account is. But right along side this home dream is the peanut. She turns 5 in April. The registration for schools here is in late spring I think, if not earlier, and then what if I'm not living here? That's a whole nother ball of wax. I could be living in some other town. I get my new lease in May, and I don't know that I want to keep living here. So you see, one thing is predicated on another. I haven't even begun to grasp the actual concept that shes going to start school - can't even GO there...but I also can't be an ostrich. I have to start deciding where we are going to be. Saving. It's such a nebulous concept. We all have to do it - for college funds, for homes, for retirement, for travel, etc. How does one do all that saving when there are bills to pay? Granted I have less bills these days but still...they don't all disappear. On the other side of all this home and school "planning" is my relationship with The Dork. I don't know where things are headed. I hate not knowing. As I've stated in past posts, I don't wait well. Things are good, but...isn't there always a "but"? I want more than what I have. I'm not being selfish, or asking for to much; that much I know for sure. He makes me happy, I make him happy, we laugh, we talk...you know. The usual stuff...but there are things that concern me. I know his idea of the future is further away than mine. He wants to build a house. His work dictates his time lines so he may be years away from that house who knows. I want one right now. He wants to build in the sticks - sticks of where? MA? CT? I know this has always been his plan even before we met. But at the same time, where am I in his future? We've been together for over a year now, and he hasn't told me he loves me; he hasn't said that we are building a future together. He talks in terms of, "What would you say if I bought x for the house? You'd freak out right?" Which makes me think, "So, does that mean I'm part of the future or no?" I just don't know sometimes. His work is everything. Until that changes - nothing else will and I won't know what kind of man he truly is until that solves itself. The question is and has been - How long can I wait? Unfortunately I don't have an answer for that. So I stay, attempt to be present and enjoy what is in front of me. I still have that wanting to run and wanting to stay still feeling. I think about things and get nowhere. I feel like that clip that Howard Stern always plays on his show from the 3 Stooges "I try to think but nuthin' happens!!" That is about how I feel.
With 2011 just begun, I'm trying not to do any "New Years Resolutions". You end up setting yourself up for failure. Any plan you have needs to be realistic, and reachable. Otherwise you are beating yourself up before you've even begun....and who wants to start the year feeling like a complete loser? We have Valentine's Day for that. So for now, bask in the after holiday glow of feeling like a winner. It only lasts for a short time.
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