Late summer musings

So I survived the 40th birthday. No major fanfare, fireworks or drunken escapades. I hung out with my girls, we talked, and laughed. Or more accurately they recounted their favorite "Jen dating stories". So for my friends who where there and hadn't heard them, I retold them. We all laughed. Great food, good stories and laughter. It was PERFECT. Summer moved on...I started my new job. To backtrack, early June I applied for a job, and after much back and forth I got it. I was overjoyed. I worked for 6 months on trying to get into this place. It was validation for me and finally I could breathe. So I've been there a little over a month now and its great. the atmosphere is calm, and the people are so nice. How rare is it for total strangers to say hello? in the workplace it normally is. Not here. I was taken aback when someone I didn't know said hello to me. I've learned to smile even more at work. It's mood boosting. Towards the end of June I decided to dip my toe back into dating. Well - it's been amusing. Once again I'm amazed by the things men will ask you on a dating site. Things they'd NEVER ask you in person, but the beauty of the interwebs is you never have to face a person if you don't want to. So, I've been asked if I want to be with a man who is in a OPEN relationship. hmmm...does your WIFE know you're in an open relationship? I doubt it. I also got asked to be with a "sugar daddy". that was a new one. He would pay for things as long as I would go out with him...hmmm again while I have bills I need to pay, not worth it to be basically considered an escort. I'll pass THANKS. Men from Missouri to India have messaged me...NEITHER are close last time I checked. and while I think 60 isn't old, I'm not looking to date a man who is 60. Same goes for the 22 year old. Just....NO. What have I learned from all of this? I'm tired. This exhausts me. Which only fosters the belief I had back in March that I'm not ready for this. I just don't want it. A large part of me wants MY time. ME. ME ALONE. ME DOING WHATEVER I WANT. So I"m caught between wanting it all and wanting none of it. If some magic karma like love at first sight kind of thing happens - cool. But I have other things to work on. I think I've been looking for approval from the wrong places. Looking for a man to make me forget the things in my life that I don't like. Put another way, looking for a distraction from what I actually need to get done to move forward in my life. The problem with this is, I've forgot how to listen to myself, and I've forgot that any change, starts from within, and I'll never get that condo/house if I don't start really, and truly tackling the issues in my life. I need to look for approval from myself. I need to really listen to that gut that has never steered me wrong. In conjunction with my own desire to meditate if you will, and seek some direction from within, I will continue the therapy. Because that's one step in the right direction, and one step in a way that will continue to foster a sense of success. Cause right now, I'm battling every negative voice in my head. I'm hearing that negative voice that's ever told me I can't do something. that's what's ruling my life right now. It's very difficult to ignore that voice. Especially when they've spent the whole of your life telling you what to do. So sometimes, when I procrastinate, that really isn't me being lazy, I think it's me being afraid. Afraid to be successful at what I actually want. Afraid to do something other than listen to those negative voices...you shouldn't eat that...you need to lose weight...you'll fail at this like you did everything else...no one wants to hire someone who is overweight...men only want skinny girls...Such bullshit. I wish I could explain to people how loud that voice is. Sometimes its almost impossible to hear my own. It's like my voice is being crushed by an elephant and she can barely get the words out...YOU ARE GREAT. YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH. YOU CAN MOVE MOUNTAINS. YOU ARE A GREAT MOM. I'm trying to help her get louder. ****************** On a completely separate note, my child starts 2nd grade next week. Boy how fast time moves. She is more beautiful and smart with every passing day. I'm so proud of her and lucky to be her mom. She gives me tremendous joy. So while there are days that I miss what once was, I know that my ex and I were meant to be together for a short time only - we were meant to bring her into the world and watch her shine. It's so much fun. ******************** Still on track to get the tattoo. Saw first sketch of what I'm likely going to get. Its lovely. Also reached out for some tattoo artist suggestions in my area. So, the plan is in progress. Some pain is necessary when trying to be reborn into what you are meant to be. Whatever that is. Stay tuned kids.

What I'm looking at and looking for

As I've stated before, I'm what one would call an infrequent writer. Which doesn't do much for ones writing skills, but there it is. I think I last posted in January..and it's now June. Hence the term "infrequent". That being said, I always swore I wasn't going to manufacture stuff to write about, I wanted to keep this honest and forthright. I wanted to make this a conversation with my friends as much as a conversation with myself. Because I'm usually moved to write when my brain is full. When stress, or life or just everything is banging around in my head and I can't make sense of any of it. So I spill it all out here and try and make sense of it. My sis asked me once if I hold anything back ever or do I always put it all out there. I told her yes, some things I do hold back for privacy reasons, but if I want to write from a place of honesty, then I have to be real with myself. I have to show my insecurities my dumb thoughts and my occasional smart ones as well. So with that being said, let's talk about therapy. Everyone has a different view point on it. Many think it's very helpful, others think its a crock of shit, some think it's only for crazy people. I never had an opinion on it. I knew that it could be helpful, but ultimately you have to be committed to it in order for it to work. I've thought on and off about going for a long time but was never ready. Never quite there. When my marriage was in trouble, the ex and I tried marriage counseling, and I think it could have worked - had we done it sooner. I was committed 100% but I didn't realize how far emotionally and mentally he had walked away. So it wasn't successful for us. So I shelved it as I didn't think I needed it. I figured, I don't have problems like people who need therapy. Which, now that I think about it, is fucking dumb. I mean what does a "person who needs therapy" look like?? The main reason why I had even considered it was I need questions about my own behavior answered. Why do I procrastinate so much? Why am I unmotivated to exercise more? Why do I sometimes feel paralyzed to make a decision? Where the fuck am I going in life? See I couldn't answer any of these questions on my own. I'm great at dispensing advice to others, but horrible at answering that shit for myself. Still can't really. But as with most things in life, a breaking point came. I had to visit my doctors office for a general checkup. No big deal. The Dr. asked me one question. "How are you?" Funny how sometimes one question is far more than you can deal with. I laughed a little, then spilled out a lot of words all at once, in between tears and nose blowing. I'm losing my job, don't know when, moved home, stressed, frustrated, blah, blah, blah...and she said the best thing. "well, it seems like you have the tools to fix things, but maybe you need some direction." Until that exact moment, I had never considered therapy as "direction". But that is exactly what it is. So I found someone to talk to. I've been going for a couple months now. I have to say my only regret is that I didn't do this sooner. After the first couple sessions, I said to her, "sometimes I feel silly doing this. I know there are people who have real, terrible problems and I feel like my issues are nothing in comparison." She looked at me and said, "Yes, some people have a lot worse problems than you. But don't you deserve to take care of yourself as much as anyone else does?" I do. I don't feel silly any longer. I have explained to friends that therapy feels like this - Let's say you spend your whole life looking out of the same window. The therapist tells you to look out that same window and says, "look at that bird fountain." Suddenly your world view is entirely different. You never saw that bird fountain before. EVER. So you readjust your view. You figure out how this changes things, makes it better or worse. It is not easy. Not at all. But like with this blog, I vowed to commit to it,and be 100% open and honest. I can't change other people, I learned that a LONG time ago. But, I can change ME. I can be better. If I want certain results, and what I've been doing hasn't worked, then I need to do something different. It's easy to say certain things about myself. I'm stubborn. I'm impatient at times. I procrastinate. It's entirely different to admit, out loud, to a stranger, the parts of yourself that you don't tell anyone about. THAT is hard. But, while every other visit seems to end in tears, I don't regret it one bit. It's been extremely helpful, and if some people judge me because of it, so be it. I don't give a fuck and I'll never apologize for it. Is it so wrong to want to understand myself better? Nah. not at all. With all this attempt at self discovery, I've taken a break from dating. I'm open to the idea of meeting someone, but I'm not actively doing anything about it. the guy I was seeing/dating back in January ended in February. One of those things where we just stopped talking. Oh and I forgot his birthday. Yea I'm an asshole. I mean had I truly cared I would have remembered. Well...apparently I did not care as much as I thought because I completely forgot. Then wondered why he didn't talk to me for like 3 days. Nice Jen. Way to go. So, we just...faded. That is when I said enough. I need a break. a breather. a step back. I did go out on one date recently - it was alright. He was a nice guy - but didn't want to get involved with a woman with a young child. Eh, so it goes. I would love to meet a nice man who wants one girl. Oh and preferably a man is who is single himself. Not married, in a relationship, etc. At this point if it was a single woman I'd be down with that. Just a person who is also single. Although right now I'm not really a great sell. I mean here's my bio - I'm 39, single mom with child, moved home with parents, losing my job in likely 3 months, have a cat, I do have a car! and oh yea I'm in therapy. Doesn't that sound awful??? I mean I know I'm a good person, big heart, and I'd love the right person 110%..but Jesus who wants to get involved in my fucking mess?? I mean one of the first questions I ask a guy is, "Do you live in your mothers basement? Do you have your own place? Do you tie women up in the basement? Do you have a job?" So how the fuck can I judge when I'm ALL of those things? well, practically. At least I can laugh at all of it. Otherwise I'd be in the fetal position crying. Which I've considered don't get me wrong. I'm sure things will change - the one constant about life is that it will change. Maybe I'll grab hold of my shit and it will even out.... So i'm now only a matter of weeks away from the big 40. I'm still committed to the tattoo thing - I reached out to an artist friend of mine to draw me something since I'm inept at putting together what I want. He is going to do it and I'm super excited. So that is a goal I can manage to get excited about. Other things might be complete shit but at least that will work. HA I'm also planning a little shindig for me and my friends to celebrate the 40th. I'm not a big Casino person, Lord I have so little money as it is, I'm going to give it away like that? Nah..I just want to hang out, drink, and laugh with my girlfriends. Be silly. Be funny, be happy. My bestest friend is offering up her house and yard, so it should be great. It will be wonderful to be with my extended family of sisters. :)They likely have no idea how much I love them and how much they bring me joy. So while we could go out to a fancy place, and get all dressed up...that's not me. I'm a beer and shorts or jeans kind of girl..sit by a fire and talk about silly things or things we love. Cause the only thing I do well, is ME. It's all I know how to do.