The winds are blowing in a different direction

I've been hiding. Sometimes I forget that it's possible to hide from yourself but I always end up being really good at doing it. lol But before I get to that, I need to update you on my life.

So. The ex boyfriend. Well, he's back. Sort of. I went to Northampton to visit him before his trip to Madrid. I haven't had that comfortable and easy of a day in a long time. My child and his children get along great. I love his kids. He loves Abby. We like each other. If a stranger saw us they would think we were a family. It was a great day and a hard day all at the same time. We get on so well and make each other laugh and set each other at ease. We parent the same way. Which sometimes can be tough. you meet someone great and then you watch the way they treat their kids and you are instantly turned off. At the end of this great day, Abby and I drove home. After she was in bed, I listened to some music, and I cried. I cried for a number of reasons but the biggest was that what I wanted was RIGHT THERE. Right in reach. Have you ever seen your future? I mean literally felt it deep inside? Like knowing something so completely that you can't know anything else? That's as close as I can describe how I felt when I came home that night. You know, looks fade. People change and turn into different pretty versions of what they were. But being able to have a true mental connection with someone is rare. That lasts. That sustains when all else disappears. We have that. So my frustration continued.
He left for Madrid. He called me and we talked. He had tons of time on the plane to think about life, about us, and he admitted to me that he is "totally crazy about me." the thing I've been waiting to hear for months. We talked for two hours and realized that we don't know how we're going to make it work, but that we miss each other. We don't like not being together. We want to be together. So the questions come. One after another in my mind. Big changes will happen. and it may be a year in the making, but the how seems sorta overwhelming, but I can't picture any other future in which he's not in it. Does that mean I'm in love? Is that what that means? It's been so long since those emotions existed in my heart. The past few years have been so clouded with pain. and frankly to think back to those days with the ex-husband and the bliss it brought me is still sometimes painful. Not in a way that cripples me, that's long since over, but it makes me wistful and grey.
The Dork, as I sweetly refer to him (and him to me), we have much more to talk about. But I do feel like a weight has been lifted off my heart. At least now I feel a little more settled. Even if I have no idea what the plan is. Funny how a couple weeks ago I wanted a direction or plan. Now I have a direction, no plan and I'm more relaxed. How does that fucking compute??

On another note, this weekend mom and I took Abby to Jersey City to see my sis and her roommates. All of us trekked into NYC to the Central Park Zoo. Abby was amazing. Seeing things through her eyes was fun. It was her first ride on the subway, and it seemed to her like a amusement park ride. Even hardened New Yorkers smiled at her and laughed. The hotel was great "Mommy are we still living at the hotel?" The Amtrak ride down was a thrill..and she was so well behaved. A complete trooper. It was great to see my sister and her roommates. My sis seems happy. I wish she would tell me more, but I don't push. I learned a long time ago it's pointless. I always figure if wants to tell me something, she will. I will wait. I just trust her judgement and love her lots. :-)

One odd thing that happened was that I had a minor panic attack on the escalators to the Path Train. So strange. I never really understood a Panic Attack. I do now. I mean its a fucking escalator. But I cannot explain how it felt. They were very steep and 4 deep. I looked up, and all I could think about was what would happen if I fell. I pictured myself injured, in pain, and screaming. It was horrid. That was it. I white knuckled the entire ride. After I went up and down those twice, I needed the elevator. I just couldn't do it. I don't think I've ever had that experience in my life. I literally had to do breathing exercises to get through it. Anyone nearby would have thought I was fighting off contractions. So, the whole topic of anxiety meds is back on my table. More decisions to be made. It was windy this weekend and I think that is an omen. For what, I don't know. Shocker huh?

Love is hard

That's a song title by James Morrison - the title is pretty self explanatory. Love does just what he says it does. Rips you up and spits you out.

For those of you who've watched "The Way we Were" you know how it ends right? The two lovers of different political leanings and backgrounds, who loved each other fiercely and with passion don't end up together. Every time I watch that movie I hope for a different result. I know the ending, I even understand WHY they can't be together. But I always want it to turn out differently. It never does. "Carlito's Way" is another movie in which I always want the end to turn out better. I want Carlito to live in paradise with his woman, to be the kind of man he feels he is in his heart. But they won't let him have that. I guess lately I've been hoping for a different outcome to my love life and amazingly enough it has yet to happen. lol. Luckily I can still laugh about it. Otherwise I'd be in the fetal position on the floor. I'm a pretty confident woman but things still rock me sometimes in ways that I don't expect.
On a related note, I saw the ex boyfriend today for the first time in 3 months. He looks good, and it was as comfortable as it always has been. My daughter was with me, and of course his kids were there. We had a fun, fun day together. You'd swear we were a family the way we all talk and joke with each other. The comfort level of things is so lovely and hard to match. How do connections like that happen? It's tough for my mind to overcome the fact that we aren't "together". I am frustrated beyond measure that I can't have that with him all the time. We broke up for a reason and yet everyday it feels like the dumbest thing ever. My heart hurts because I can't make the situation bend the way I want it to. We admittedly miss each other. I don't think I've ever felt quite this frustrated in my entire life. Seriously. How is it that what I want in life is right in front of me and I can't have it? I feel like the fucking greyhound going after the rabbit.
I have no idea what to do, or how to fix this. I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. I suppose everyone feels that way. I just would like to have a direction you know? Just once.