Reflections and shit

Here we are. On the brink of another new year. Since I hate resolutions we just won't even discuss them. However I'm not against some reflection. this fall has been...odd. I left my apartment in September to move home. Every womans dream to move home with mom and dad at 39. We leave home with the intention of never living there again. Money can change that decision right quick. My apartment was becoming more of a burden than a joy, and since my child comes first, the next best choice was moving home. It's been an adjustment for my parents as well as me. Overall however it's been good. Doing our best to be respectful of both parties and not interrupt each others space. I'm paying rent to my parents because there is no way, in good conscience that I could have moved back here and not help out. Had I done that, I would have been taking advantage. The peanut loves it of course. Much for freedom to run outside and be a kid. Which is as good for her as it is for me. So the goal is that I'm not here forever. Save some money, get a condo or small house to call my own. We'll see how that goes. But that's the goal. Another fall change was my ex and his wife had a baby. A little baby boy who looks a lot like is sister. Little babies are so wonderful. They enter the world with no preconceived notions or knowledge of the ills of the world. I visited them a few times, held the little boy and marveled at how relaxing it is when its not your child! I placed him on my chest and his head was right under my chin, and he fell fast asleep. Breathing soundly, listening to my heart I guess. I really wish there was a way to bottle that sense of calm it gives me. Holding a baby like that is such a perfect moment. Brought me right back to holding the peanut and falling asleep with her just like he was on my chest. Its magic. It's so much good in a such a little package. I know I don't want to carry any more kids, but I'm more than happy to put one to sleep and cuddle them in a chair. The peanut is now 6 so she's not that small anymore. But I relish the time she spends in my lap and resting on my arms. It won't last forever. I have a limited window left for lap time. So it is nice to see her little tiny brother and hold him. It's not wierd to me, it's not odd. We are friends and actually, I'm glad of that. I'm glad we've managed to be so much better than the statistics. That was October. So after the birth of the baby, the end of October ushered in a hurricane displacing my sis and her roommate from Jersey to this little house. I can't lie, I liked having them here. I think it was good on a few levels. My sis got to spend quality time with her niece, who loves her sooo much. My sis also got to see the changes in our parents up close. It was good for her to see all that. But also, it was fun. We laughed a lot. We helped each other, she cooked some fabulous meals and we spent time together. I miss her when she isn't here, so thanks to such a devastating hurricane, I got extra time with my sis. It was good for both of us I think. Then before you know it it's December. Christmas shopping, working, running,running,running...my favorite time of year. However joyful it was, the end of the month was colored by tragedy. I live here in CT, so the tragedy in Newtown was especially close to home. It was felt by everyone in this state and all over the world. Everything I've done since that Friday is colored by thoughts of 20 6 and 7 year olds who no longer walk the earth. I look at my child, and I see other faces. I wash her clothes, brush her hair, tuck her in bed and I see parents who can't do any of that anymore. Even if they have other kids to care for, they are well aware that one child is missing. That there is another room they won't go to at night. How do you deal with that? As a parent how can you move forward? I don't know what I'd do. I've had rough days where I didn't want to get out of bed but I forced myself to move because I had to - because I had to work, to provide for my child - what happens when that child, who motivated you, no longer is there? How does one move forward from that? I just don't know. I'm so saddened by it. Such senseless violence. How does one decide to do that? I realize only a mentally deranged person would act upon such thoughts, but it pains me to imagine those poor children. The media is moving on from the story, and I suppose we are supposed to move on. But it's in my thoughts and while I'm happy, blessed and thankful, I can't let it go. I can't stop thinking of those children and teachers who lost their lives. I guess that's the lesson isn't it? To never forget so it is not repeated...and yet mental illness is still a tragic problem in this country and we see this type of tragedy more frequently. While they are all upsetting and sad, something about small children being senselessly killed that makes it horrific and numbing. I've tried to do something to make me feel better while also being helpful. I donated a little money, made snowflakes for the school reopening, and donated school supplies. What I really wanted to do, which i know was impractical, was go stand on a street corner and just give out hugs. I"m sure there'd be plenty of people thinking I was a wack job but hugs do help! They do make it better even if for only a brief moment. unfortunately that entire town will need to recover in that manner - moment by moment. In a smaller sort of tragedy but no less awful, my parents had to put down their dog of 12 years. A boxer who loved being a lap dog even though she was 60 pounds. A dog with a cast iron stomach who, in her life, ate everything she could get her mouth on. Butter, loaves of bread, bagels, cake, nylons, socks, meat, bananas..oh yea and dog food. She will be missed...that was right before christmas. Such a tough time to say goodbye to anyone let alone a pet. Saving grace of the weekend was my sis and her boxer Casey. Casey doled out extra love and attention to mom and dad. The house is quieter without the dog. It is odd to not see her on her bed, or paroling the area for food as she often did. Dogs are so loyal and loving. They fill a place in your heart that people can't. I think our solace has been that Bama is with those 26 children and teachers. Giving them love and companionship. Licking faces and sitting on laps snoring up a blue streak. RIP Bama. Christmas came and it was great. Family time, wonderfully cooked food, and sweet treats. But I do have one moment that stands out. I was about to open my gifts, as we do them one person at a time, and little peanut says, "Mom, wait, I'll be right back I have to do something." I was like ok. She comes back after a couple minutes and gives me a card. Plain white paper, and wrote on with a blue pen. It says, "Mom I love you so much" which was sweet enough. but when I opened the inside it said this "Mom you worked so hard to raise me. Love Abby." Well, I lost it. I cried. a lot. She ran over to me and climbed in my lap and gave me a big hug. I can't express adequately what that felt like. No one asked her to do that, she just did it. I looked up and my sister was crying, my dad had teared up and my aunt was crying. I felt like the grinch. My heart grew three sizes that day. She spelled a couple things wrong but who cares?! It was the most perfect card i've ever got in my life. I second guess myself all the time as a mom. Am I doing this right? Does she look ok? Does this match? Did I get her lunch packed? Did I give her enough hugs today? Am I teaching her enough? Worrying about money, and my job, and taking care of her, and all the while giving her the right amount of attention and space...that card made me realize that in her eyes I'm alright. I'm doing a fine job. She is so smart and sweet and lovely. I know that I'm lucky she's in my world. She makes me infinitely happy even when I don't feel it. Even when I cry out of stress and anger, even when I'm exhausted, she gives me calm and peace. It was by far the best gift I received. Last topic for tonight. The guy I'm currently seeing...or dating, or whatever the fuck we're doing. SO it's been what, 4 months? yea how do I end up meeting these really nice guys who have commitment issues? I mean he's a good guy, great heart and is nice to me. Likes me, cares for me, but yet can't seem to make real time for me, and when I say things like "I miss you" he says...wait for it... NOTHING. what?!?! yup nothing. when I say things like "I can't wait to see you" i get...nothing. Now it's not as if i'm asking for a love letter written in blood. Just some level of excitement would be nice. Something that indicates you might actually want to spend time with me. You know, maybe you, as a MAN could initiate it. I feel like i'm putting in more effort. Who knows I could very well be the asshole. Maybe i'm wishing for there to be more there that isn't. Maybe he's been super upfront from the beginning and I've just been ignoring it. He says he's bucking conventional wisdom and moving "slow". Ok slow is not really what we're doing - SNAIL'S PACE is more like it. I'm patient and impatient all at the same time. I just don't know what's going to happen here. 4 months and I feel like its no different than it was 4 months ago. Which is enormously frustrating as I"m sure you can imagine. Such is my life. So. what do I do? I have no idea. Move forward I guess. Suck it up and keep going. My issue is tiny compared to what some are dealing with I know this. So 2013 is around the bend and I'm not going to make any real decisions just yet. I think i'll let 2013 sink in a bit and then decide. Cause let me tell you, it's 6 months till 40. Till I party like a rock star. Celebrate life I say cause it's rare and precious and I'm amazed I've made it. We're all stronger than we think. Happy New Year everyone. Go be great.