The other day I logged onto Facebook and I was invited to an event. Yay! An event! I said. I opened it and was in complete disbelief. There was a picture of my high school, and on the invite was "20 YEAR CLASS REUNION!!" How is this possible? How is it that 20 years have gone by? I sat in my chair and stared at the computer. Baffled. Confused. I felt a little like throwing up but decided that wouldn't help, I'd have to clean it up...ew.
1991. I was excited that year. I was looking forward to College, reinventing myself and figuring out life. So senior year was - a joy and drudgery all at the same time. Such is high school. Friends were leaving for far away places. I think mostly I couldn't wait to get out and get on with it. I think about that girl often. Where did that girl go?
In a lot of ways I'm glad I'm not that young lady from Senior year. I had such a hard time in high school talking to people my age. I was very shy, and I didn't know how to be myself in front of everyone. I was able to be my outgoing self in front of a few close friends, but otherwise I was anxiety ridden about being laughed at or not understood if I said something. So I read a lot, and didn't speak much in class. I have a feeling a lot of people in my class figured I just didn't talk - which on a lot of days wasn't entirely inaccurate. I wanted to feel comfortable and outgoing and smiling but I had no idea how to do it. I couldn't wrap my mind around it. It was so odd for me to watch my sister go through high school. Here experience was SO different. She was very outgoing and had a ton of friends. She was involved in a bunch of stuff and had a lot of fun. I was glad for her.
College ended up being great for me - and a job in retail where you are forced to talk to strangers. Now I don't shut up.
20 years, 20 years, 20 years...that's all I can think about. I'm unsure if I want to go. There are people that might go that I"d love to see. At the very least it might be motivation for me to work out a bit more. Which is good cause all I've been doing is 'thinking' about working out. ugh.
I was talking to a close friend of mine about turning 40. We both vowed to have our shit figured out by then. We figured we haven't done it so far but hopefully by then we've got it or are at least on the right path. I look back on the past 20 years and I wouldn't change it persay, I'd improve it. I think if I could go back, I'd do some things differently, but leave the events as they were. I had a lot of fun - I met some great people, I got married, had a beautiful child, got divorced and dated again and started it all over. Sometimes its sad to me to see that my life is not at all what I thought it would be when i walked across that stage the day i graduated. I'm not saying its bad, it's quite good, it's just different. I still have goals and aspirations and dreams just like I did back in 1991. The difference is then there seemed to be endless time in front of me to achieve everything I wanted. Now time doesn't seem so endless. It seems...shorter. It's like being a speeding train heading into a tunnel. You keep bracing yourself for the end but have no idea when that is. I want to have more fun, travel and do some things with my life before another 20 years pass and I look back and wonder what I did.
I want to figure out my life. I don't feel like anything is figured out right now and that makes the timing of this reunion so emotionally confusing.
I've been listening to The Avett Brothers almost non stop these days. I can't get enough of their insightful lyrics and talents on string instruments. They have a song called "Head full of doubt and Road full of promise". They've talked about this song as leaving your youth behind and moving into a time in life where you want to build something. I get that. Making something stick, making something feel substantial and real - like it'll last forever or for as long as you breathe and maybe after. "Road full of promise". that hits in a different place in my heart. I've had some tough years so I'm hopeful that the road ahead is exactly that - full of promise. I think I'll forge ahead and see where I end up. I just hope it's at the place I want to be.
Here are the lyrics in case you may want to know more. Listening to it is worth it because the vocal harmonies are perfect.
"Head Full Of Doubt / Road Full Of Promise"
There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what's wrong and what's right
And it comes in black and it comes in white
And I'm frightened by those that don't see it
When nothing is owed or deserved or expected
And your life doesn't change by the man that's elected
If you're loved by someone, you're never rejected
Decide what to be and go be it
There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out
There's a darkness upon you that's flooded in light
And in the fine print they tell you what's wrong and what's right
And it flies by day and it flies by night
And I'm frightened by those that don't see it
There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out
There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out
There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what's wrong and what's right
There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
And I'm frightened by those that don't see it
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Commercials or mind control?
My peanut is sick. A fever, a cough and a sore throat. Not funny or fun. So it was my turn to stay home. I have to admit, when your child is sick, it's almost ok because when they are sick they're actually willing to sit in your lap, hug you and cuddle. She was all over me saying she loved me, she missed me and that I'm awesome. I'd like to bottle those words and behavior so when she's 17, hates me, and says "You're ruining my life!!" I can open that bottle and breathe deeply.
While hanging at home, in pj's, watching cartoons, I've noticed a couple things that are disturbing. The first one is why the fuck is Montell Williams hawking a payday loan site on the Sprout Network?? A KIDS CHANNEL?? Now I realize that raising a child is tough, financially as well as mentally. No one knows that better than me. I've fallen prey to the payday loan trap myself - a hole that I've been digging out of for months. But it hits my moral compass - one shouldn't be sold a scam while watching Kipper on Sprout. Basically he's telling parents, "NO worries, don't have that money for car repair? Call us and you'll have it tomorrow!" I've never been compelled to write a tv network, but I"m close. I think its wrong to show parents and children that you don't have to spend wisely and save, you can just do whatever you want with no consequences. That's appalling. It's on every 5 minutes, and my peanut has started repeating the lines. Which is odd to hear your child say, "Need cash? Short till payday?"
The bigger disturbing item is what Disney is currently doing to my emotions. I've never been to Disney and have always wanted to go. (My sister feels the same.) Abby is going to Disney in the Spring with her dad and his girlfriend. I'm totally cool with that. They will have a blast, and Abby will be amazed by everything. I'm happy for her -she's going to love it, and have a wonderful time.
but then the evil, petty, jealous bitch voice in the back of my head watches these sappy Disney commercials and goes, "well (said snidely) isn't THAT nice!" and then she starts saying obnoxious things to my logical brain. That's SOOO not me. The two commercials are as follows:
Picture the new Disney cruise ship, replete with splendour, sparkles, magic and of course mickey mouse. Everyone is having the time of their lives and nothing could be better. It's a "Don't you want to make dreams come true?" kind of commercial. So of course it makes one feel like a complete asshole. I sit on my couch going "wow, I'm a dream killer now." Nothing boosts mom confidence more than feeling like a dream killer.
The second one is the one that is completely making me mental. Actual videos shot by parents telling their kids they're going to Disney and seeing the kids reaction. It's fucking with my emotions. I see that and all I can picture is the peanut and how I won't get to do that. At least not right now. See I'm mostly logical - I know that I will get that chance, and I guess on some deep level I'm jealous. But i usually suppress that because it's not worth it. I always put peanuts best interests first, and I try not to fall prey to petty behavior and thought. It's so easy to let stuff like that take root and ruin your decisions and blurr your vision of what is right. Like I said, I'm so excited for her and she's going to have such a great time. I'm just pissed that Disney is fucking with me like this. Lol Suck it Disney.
While hanging at home, in pj's, watching cartoons, I've noticed a couple things that are disturbing. The first one is why the fuck is Montell Williams hawking a payday loan site on the Sprout Network?? A KIDS CHANNEL?? Now I realize that raising a child is tough, financially as well as mentally. No one knows that better than me. I've fallen prey to the payday loan trap myself - a hole that I've been digging out of for months. But it hits my moral compass - one shouldn't be sold a scam while watching Kipper on Sprout. Basically he's telling parents, "NO worries, don't have that money for car repair? Call us and you'll have it tomorrow!" I've never been compelled to write a tv network, but I"m close. I think its wrong to show parents and children that you don't have to spend wisely and save, you can just do whatever you want with no consequences. That's appalling. It's on every 5 minutes, and my peanut has started repeating the lines. Which is odd to hear your child say, "Need cash? Short till payday?"
The bigger disturbing item is what Disney is currently doing to my emotions. I've never been to Disney and have always wanted to go. (My sister feels the same.) Abby is going to Disney in the Spring with her dad and his girlfriend. I'm totally cool with that. They will have a blast, and Abby will be amazed by everything. I'm happy for her -she's going to love it, and have a wonderful time.
but then the evil, petty, jealous bitch voice in the back of my head watches these sappy Disney commercials and goes, "well (said snidely) isn't THAT nice!" and then she starts saying obnoxious things to my logical brain. That's SOOO not me. The two commercials are as follows:
Picture the new Disney cruise ship, replete with splendour, sparkles, magic and of course mickey mouse. Everyone is having the time of their lives and nothing could be better. It's a "Don't you want to make dreams come true?" kind of commercial. So of course it makes one feel like a complete asshole. I sit on my couch going "wow, I'm a dream killer now." Nothing boosts mom confidence more than feeling like a dream killer.
The second one is the one that is completely making me mental. Actual videos shot by parents telling their kids they're going to Disney and seeing the kids reaction. It's fucking with my emotions. I see that and all I can picture is the peanut and how I won't get to do that. At least not right now. See I'm mostly logical - I know that I will get that chance, and I guess on some deep level I'm jealous. But i usually suppress that because it's not worth it. I always put peanuts best interests first, and I try not to fall prey to petty behavior and thought. It's so easy to let stuff like that take root and ruin your decisions and blurr your vision of what is right. Like I said, I'm so excited for her and she's going to have such a great time. I'm just pissed that Disney is fucking with me like this. Lol Suck it Disney.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
How sick are you? Really?
I'm feelin' irritated. Typically I'm a low key relaxed person. Most everything rolls off my back. My mother once marveled at the fact that I could be so relaxed. I think she felt that something was wrong with me. lol
But here and there things piss me off and make me irritated. I usually talk it out with friends, and move on. On the rare occasion I get really angry - it ain't pretty. Most people run for cover and look at me like I have two heads. I can count on my hand the times in my life where I've been that mad.
Right now I'm just irritated. possibly disgusted. I don't understand people who don't regard work as a privledge. No one HAS to give you a job and keep you there. They could fire you and throw all your collectible batman figurines out in the parking lot.
My work ethic has several layers, but the main one is - GO TO WORK. I only stay out if I"m sick. I don't mean fake sick *cough,cough* I'm at the beach with a beer sick, I mean holding onto the toilet, I feel like I"m going to die right here in the bathroom sick. It baffles me the number of people that I work with who seem to feel that calling out of work for ANY reason is ok. God, I must seem like such an idiot to people. I actually give a shit about my coworkers and how my calling out will effect the team!! Am I outdated? Is there some set of new work rules in place that I've not been made a aware of?
We all go through things - tough times, sheer exhaustion, etc. but at the end of the day, someone, albeit high up the food chain, is asking YOU to do a JOB for MONEY. You have an obligation to that person/company to show up and WORK. This does not mean show up and text all day long - this does not mean multiple personal phone calls followed by aimless wandering of the halls of your employer. It means you DO something. Preferably something productive. Something that has a means to an end.
Now this is not everyone of course. The majority of people I work with are hard workers and diligent, smart people with goals and aspirations. Its those that have little regard for the whole that frustrate me. You are not entitled to a job. Do you know how many people are out of work? You are replacable at a moments notice. Do you know what its like to not receive a paycheck? For some it will happen and it will be the harshest blow - because it is likely they will never look at themselves as the problem. It will always be someone elses fault for why they failed to achieve what they thought they were entitled to.
I don't want people to be perfect. I just want people to show the fuck up. Get your ass out of bed and SHOW UP. I have plenty of days where I"m "too tired" or my stomach hurts or whatever. I still SHOW UP, and sometimes, imagine this - I WORK LATE.
I'm not saying I"m perfect. There are days where I feel sluggish, unproductive and even wander a bit. I make mistakes and I sometimes forget things. It happens. But I care about my job and who I work for. I must be crazy.
Ok so work venting is over. I feel a bit better. Still slightly ornery but not to bad...on to grammar school venting....
I found out more info. about school for the peanut. I love that the concept of half day kindergarten is exactly that - a concept. a fucking pipe dream in my book. In what way does 2hrs and 50 minutes constitute HALF DAY K??? LOL I honestly laughed out loud when I read that. Thousands of parents work 8-10 hours a day! and most of us have had our kids in full day preschool or daycare since they were babies. By the time kindergarten comes around they are Sooo ready for it! It's almost an injustice that every town doesn't offer it. I know the old argument - resources, lack of resources, money, resources..blah,blah. It would be such a benefit to parents, kids and the local economy I would think. I'm well aware however that school budgets these days are being cut back farther and farther from what they once were. I just wish "half day" actually MEANT that.
There is one school who does extended day - 8am to 12noon. That is just about as close to half day as one can get. So there is still a lot of questions about before school care, after school care, which school, etc. Tours of each school will be needed for sure. So much planning...
So it goes. I've been listening to The Avett Brothers alot. LOVE them. There is a line in one of their songs that goes "Decide what to be and go be it." That keeps running through my head. Decisions. Making them and sticking to them, moving forward to achieve what you decided to do. Not sure how to apply it to my life, but I'm working on it. See what I just said there? Man I'm funny.
One last detail, I just recently downloaded Anthony Bourdain's new book. He is irreverent and insanely smart; not to mention an old school punk with a deep love for food. His books are soooo entertaining. Check them out please! You won't be disappointed.
Oh one more final, final detail - so the other night I watched a french movie. Yes, actually in french with english subtitles. It was amazing. It's called "A Very Long Engagement" with Audrey Tautou. It is a mystery but a love story and a history lesson. It is the year 1919 and Mathilde was 19. two years earlier her fiance' left for the front lines at Somme. he was said to be killed on the field of battle. She refuses to believe it. She clings to this belief, and tracks the truth. There are flashbacks to the battlefield, stories told from different perspectives and the way the film was shot was beautiful. Anyway, I watched it on TV, but had missed the beginning. I couldn't stop thinking about it. So i went to Amazon and bought it. I know, who buys dvd's anymore..well, me. lol Then i got the directors prior film "Amelie" which is supposed to also be epicly great. They came in the mail today. I think, tomorrow, when it's snowing out, this is what I'll be watching.
After work of course.
But here and there things piss me off and make me irritated. I usually talk it out with friends, and move on. On the rare occasion I get really angry - it ain't pretty. Most people run for cover and look at me like I have two heads. I can count on my hand the times in my life where I've been that mad.
Right now I'm just irritated. possibly disgusted. I don't understand people who don't regard work as a privledge. No one HAS to give you a job and keep you there. They could fire you and throw all your collectible batman figurines out in the parking lot.
My work ethic has several layers, but the main one is - GO TO WORK. I only stay out if I"m sick. I don't mean fake sick *cough,cough* I'm at the beach with a beer sick, I mean holding onto the toilet, I feel like I"m going to die right here in the bathroom sick. It baffles me the number of people that I work with who seem to feel that calling out of work for ANY reason is ok. God, I must seem like such an idiot to people. I actually give a shit about my coworkers and how my calling out will effect the team!! Am I outdated? Is there some set of new work rules in place that I've not been made a aware of?
We all go through things - tough times, sheer exhaustion, etc. but at the end of the day, someone, albeit high up the food chain, is asking YOU to do a JOB for MONEY. You have an obligation to that person/company to show up and WORK. This does not mean show up and text all day long - this does not mean multiple personal phone calls followed by aimless wandering of the halls of your employer. It means you DO something. Preferably something productive. Something that has a means to an end.
Now this is not everyone of course. The majority of people I work with are hard workers and diligent, smart people with goals and aspirations. Its those that have little regard for the whole that frustrate me. You are not entitled to a job. Do you know how many people are out of work? You are replacable at a moments notice. Do you know what its like to not receive a paycheck? For some it will happen and it will be the harshest blow - because it is likely they will never look at themselves as the problem. It will always be someone elses fault for why they failed to achieve what they thought they were entitled to.
I don't want people to be perfect. I just want people to show the fuck up. Get your ass out of bed and SHOW UP. I have plenty of days where I"m "too tired" or my stomach hurts or whatever. I still SHOW UP, and sometimes, imagine this - I WORK LATE.
I'm not saying I"m perfect. There are days where I feel sluggish, unproductive and even wander a bit. I make mistakes and I sometimes forget things. It happens. But I care about my job and who I work for. I must be crazy.
Ok so work venting is over. I feel a bit better. Still slightly ornery but not to bad...on to grammar school venting....
I found out more info. about school for the peanut. I love that the concept of half day kindergarten is exactly that - a concept. a fucking pipe dream in my book. In what way does 2hrs and 50 minutes constitute HALF DAY K??? LOL I honestly laughed out loud when I read that. Thousands of parents work 8-10 hours a day! and most of us have had our kids in full day preschool or daycare since they were babies. By the time kindergarten comes around they are Sooo ready for it! It's almost an injustice that every town doesn't offer it. I know the old argument - resources, lack of resources, money, resources..blah,blah. It would be such a benefit to parents, kids and the local economy I would think. I'm well aware however that school budgets these days are being cut back farther and farther from what they once were. I just wish "half day" actually MEANT that.
There is one school who does extended day - 8am to 12noon. That is just about as close to half day as one can get. So there is still a lot of questions about before school care, after school care, which school, etc. Tours of each school will be needed for sure. So much planning...
So it goes. I've been listening to The Avett Brothers alot. LOVE them. There is a line in one of their songs that goes "Decide what to be and go be it." That keeps running through my head. Decisions. Making them and sticking to them, moving forward to achieve what you decided to do. Not sure how to apply it to my life, but I'm working on it. See what I just said there? Man I'm funny.
One last detail, I just recently downloaded Anthony Bourdain's new book. He is irreverent and insanely smart; not to mention an old school punk with a deep love for food. His books are soooo entertaining. Check them out please! You won't be disappointed.
Oh one more final, final detail - so the other night I watched a french movie. Yes, actually in french with english subtitles. It was amazing. It's called "A Very Long Engagement" with Audrey Tautou. It is a mystery but a love story and a history lesson. It is the year 1919 and Mathilde was 19. two years earlier her fiance' left for the front lines at Somme. he was said to be killed on the field of battle. She refuses to believe it. She clings to this belief, and tracks the truth. There are flashbacks to the battlefield, stories told from different perspectives and the way the film was shot was beautiful. Anyway, I watched it on TV, but had missed the beginning. I couldn't stop thinking about it. So i went to Amazon and bought it. I know, who buys dvd's anymore..well, me. lol Then i got the directors prior film "Amelie" which is supposed to also be epicly great. They came in the mail today. I think, tomorrow, when it's snowing out, this is what I'll be watching.
After work of course.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Resolute to not making a resolution
So here we are its 2011 and by the last post, I haven't written anything since October 19th. Back in October I was on a roll and then slowly got bogged down by life,work,exhaustion. November and December flew by with dinners and happy hours, shopping and general madness that the holidays seem to bring. Now, as always, it's reflection time. But before we get to that I'll bring you up to speed. (I know you're nail biting it right now.)
This year the holidays were sort of relaxed for me. I started my shopping early and got things done on time which is normally not my style. I'm the consummate procrastinator so normally I leave it all for last minute. Financially things have been much better so I was able to breathe and spend wisely and feel generous all at the same time. I haven't felt that way in a long while. I got a larger less shitty fake tree for christmas. Last years was a true Charlie Brown tree - complete with lean. This one was 7.5 feet of Douglas Fur likeness. Much better. My little peanut had a fabulous christmas complete with things she didn't know she wanted or needed, and of course was bored within 10 minutes after everything was unwrapped. But my sis was home with her dog, and it's always good to see her. She makes me happy. My sister I mean. lol
The other news I would guess would be that we now have a cat. Henry. He needed a home and I wanted a pet. He's great. Black and white, a year old, and loves to play but also is content to lay around and lounge. That's my kind of pet. So before he came home I went shopping and dropped $200 on cat supplies - food, litter, toys, bed, food bowls, mat for the floor, etc. Well worth it. He's happy here. He showed up and immediately made it clear that everything here is now his, including me. Which is fine. I don't necessarily mind being owned by a cat. My peanut loves him; he seems to love her but also knows when its best to run far and hide. Sometimes under the bed is the only place for peace.
With all that done, I'm looking ahead. During the Fall I tried and have been trying really hard not to do that whole look to far ahead thing. I've been trying to be present and enjoy today. But, with kindergarten looming that's hard to do. Wanting a home makes it hard to just "be present". There's planning involved with both of those things. Lots.of.planning. 2011 is being rung in by reflective me. I started looking at condos, and little houses (I should mention here that it was quite tough for me to not say "little pink houses") and realized my current saving style is not working. I need to be slightly more aggressive if I want to have something to put down on a house. The fact that I'm not treading water is good for a change - I can actually imagine saving instead of having nightmares about how far overdrawn my bank account is. But right along side this home dream is the peanut. She turns 5 in April. The registration for schools here is in late spring I think, if not earlier, and then what if I'm not living here? That's a whole nother ball of wax. I could be living in some other town. I get my new lease in May, and I don't know that I want to keep living here. So you see, one thing is predicated on another. I haven't even begun to grasp the actual concept that shes going to start school - can't even GO there...but I also can't be an ostrich. I have to start deciding where we are going to be. Saving. It's such a nebulous concept. We all have to do it - for college funds, for homes, for retirement, for travel, etc. How does one do all that saving when there are bills to pay? Granted I have less bills these days but still...they don't all disappear. On the other side of all this home and school "planning" is my relationship with The Dork. I don't know where things are headed. I hate not knowing. As I've stated in past posts, I don't wait well. Things are good, but...isn't there always a "but"? I want more than what I have. I'm not being selfish, or asking for to much; that much I know for sure. He makes me happy, I make him happy, we laugh, we talk...you know. The usual stuff...but there are things that concern me. I know his idea of the future is further away than mine. He wants to build a house. His work dictates his time lines so he may be years away from that house who knows. I want one right now. He wants to build in the sticks - sticks of where? MA? CT? I know this has always been his plan even before we met. But at the same time, where am I in his future? We've been together for over a year now, and he hasn't told me he loves me; he hasn't said that we are building a future together. He talks in terms of, "What would you say if I bought x for the house? You'd freak out right?" Which makes me think, "So, does that mean I'm part of the future or no?" I just don't know sometimes. His work is everything. Until that changes - nothing else will and I won't know what kind of man he truly is until that solves itself. The question is and has been - How long can I wait? Unfortunately I don't have an answer for that. So I stay, attempt to be present and enjoy what is in front of me. I still have that wanting to run and wanting to stay still feeling. I think about things and get nowhere. I feel like that clip that Howard Stern always plays on his show from the 3 Stooges "I try to think but nuthin' happens!!" That is about how I feel.
With 2011 just begun, I'm trying not to do any "New Years Resolutions". You end up setting yourself up for failure. Any plan you have needs to be realistic, and reachable. Otherwise you are beating yourself up before you've even begun....and who wants to start the year feeling like a complete loser? We have Valentine's Day for that. So for now, bask in the after holiday glow of feeling like a winner. It only lasts for a short time.
This year the holidays were sort of relaxed for me. I started my shopping early and got things done on time which is normally not my style. I'm the consummate procrastinator so normally I leave it all for last minute. Financially things have been much better so I was able to breathe and spend wisely and feel generous all at the same time. I haven't felt that way in a long while. I got a larger less shitty fake tree for christmas. Last years was a true Charlie Brown tree - complete with lean. This one was 7.5 feet of Douglas Fur likeness. Much better. My little peanut had a fabulous christmas complete with things she didn't know she wanted or needed, and of course was bored within 10 minutes after everything was unwrapped. But my sis was home with her dog, and it's always good to see her. She makes me happy. My sister I mean. lol
The other news I would guess would be that we now have a cat. Henry. He needed a home and I wanted a pet. He's great. Black and white, a year old, and loves to play but also is content to lay around and lounge. That's my kind of pet. So before he came home I went shopping and dropped $200 on cat supplies - food, litter, toys, bed, food bowls, mat for the floor, etc. Well worth it. He's happy here. He showed up and immediately made it clear that everything here is now his, including me. Which is fine. I don't necessarily mind being owned by a cat. My peanut loves him; he seems to love her but also knows when its best to run far and hide. Sometimes under the bed is the only place for peace.
With all that done, I'm looking ahead. During the Fall I tried and have been trying really hard not to do that whole look to far ahead thing. I've been trying to be present and enjoy today. But, with kindergarten looming that's hard to do. Wanting a home makes it hard to just "be present". There's planning involved with both of those things. Lots.of.planning. 2011 is being rung in by reflective me. I started looking at condos, and little houses (I should mention here that it was quite tough for me to not say "little pink houses") and realized my current saving style is not working. I need to be slightly more aggressive if I want to have something to put down on a house. The fact that I'm not treading water is good for a change - I can actually imagine saving instead of having nightmares about how far overdrawn my bank account is. But right along side this home dream is the peanut. She turns 5 in April. The registration for schools here is in late spring I think, if not earlier, and then what if I'm not living here? That's a whole nother ball of wax. I could be living in some other town. I get my new lease in May, and I don't know that I want to keep living here. So you see, one thing is predicated on another. I haven't even begun to grasp the actual concept that shes going to start school - can't even GO there...but I also can't be an ostrich. I have to start deciding where we are going to be. Saving. It's such a nebulous concept. We all have to do it - for college funds, for homes, for retirement, for travel, etc. How does one do all that saving when there are bills to pay? Granted I have less bills these days but still...they don't all disappear. On the other side of all this home and school "planning" is my relationship with The Dork. I don't know where things are headed. I hate not knowing. As I've stated in past posts, I don't wait well. Things are good, but...isn't there always a "but"? I want more than what I have. I'm not being selfish, or asking for to much; that much I know for sure. He makes me happy, I make him happy, we laugh, we talk...you know. The usual stuff...but there are things that concern me. I know his idea of the future is further away than mine. He wants to build a house. His work dictates his time lines so he may be years away from that house who knows. I want one right now. He wants to build in the sticks - sticks of where? MA? CT? I know this has always been his plan even before we met. But at the same time, where am I in his future? We've been together for over a year now, and he hasn't told me he loves me; he hasn't said that we are building a future together. He talks in terms of, "What would you say if I bought x for the house? You'd freak out right?" Which makes me think, "So, does that mean I'm part of the future or no?" I just don't know sometimes. His work is everything. Until that changes - nothing else will and I won't know what kind of man he truly is until that solves itself. The question is and has been - How long can I wait? Unfortunately I don't have an answer for that. So I stay, attempt to be present and enjoy what is in front of me. I still have that wanting to run and wanting to stay still feeling. I think about things and get nowhere. I feel like that clip that Howard Stern always plays on his show from the 3 Stooges "I try to think but nuthin' happens!!" That is about how I feel.
With 2011 just begun, I'm trying not to do any "New Years Resolutions". You end up setting yourself up for failure. Any plan you have needs to be realistic, and reachable. Otherwise you are beating yourself up before you've even begun....and who wants to start the year feeling like a complete loser? We have Valentine's Day for that. So for now, bask in the after holiday glow of feeling like a winner. It only lasts for a short time.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Own up
Work has been busy. As I always say I'd rather be busy than bored. Busy is always good - makes you feel like you're earning your keep and being productive. But sometimes it gets stressful and exhausting so by the time I get home, I can't muster the energy to move off the couch. This week is "career week" at the office. The company is hosting a myriad of events and meetings to foster career development and growth and "culture change". I went to a couple of the meetings and came away with some surprises. Not the "your getting a raise!" kind of surprise but the one that makes you reevaluate how you operate at your job. I don't consider myself as strong a leader as some of my peers. However I know I have the skills to train, cooperate and assist my teammates as well as assist management. In some respects I like the role of follower because I want to get things done. I want to feel a sense of accomplishment. However, I also like to help get the ideas down. I like building the process that might be used for getting that thing done. Unfortunately there is no proper title for all that. Head lackey? Yea, I guess that works. I work hard, I have a strong work ethic, and I know I contribute. But these meetings have made me ask myself some tough questions.
For example, what is MY ownership of my own career? I think on a regular basis we all fall into that trap of, "well I do great work, so it's only a matter of time before my boss recognizes it and promotes me." The problem with this mentality is that's not todays workplace. 10 years ago maybe, but not now. The tech savvy generation is here and they expect shit before they even walk in the door. Now you really have to take charge of what you want. So all of yesterday and today I've been asking myself - HOW do I own my future? What steps do I take to make it clear that I consider myself a success, and therefore an asset to the company i work for? I decided the first thing is this: I need to change my attitude about what I'm due. I'm not "due" anything. If I want to exact change to my future at work, then I need to make time with my manager. I can not wait for her to come to me. That's not fair. As I've always said, I'm not a mind reader, and its unfair of me to expect her to be. How can she possibly know what I want if I don't say so? So, I made the first step today in "owning" my career by scheduling a meeting with her to discuss what path I'm on and what goals I want to reach. I guess I finally had a moment where I realized I need to be the one taking the reins here - I can't leave this up to others. I don't know what took me so long to realize this.
Today some of us participated in a meeting about "Culture Change". Different cross sections of the company coming together to discuss what we want our company to look like, what kind of company we want to work for, and what are WE as individuals going to commit to doing to facilitate this change? It was a good discussion, and an honest one. So it got me thinking about little, yet impactful things that I personally can do to contribute. Its a hard question to answer but truly the only real change happens when each person does something and then you can see change as a collective. One thing I've been doing is working my ass off at not getting dragged into negative commentary or petty, hurtful gossip, etc. with my team. Sometimes what gets said seeps into my ears an I just don't want to hear it. Sometimes, it's hard. We all have rough days, and we need to vent. I have close friends that I vent to, and it's necessary to move past the emotion and then focus on the good - but the problem with the negativity is that it breeds this defeatist attitude...All it takes is one person with this mindset. If enough people listen to it, and take it in, it's like a disease. It spreads and then the dissatisfaction level rises and then the thought of leaving a place you once loved is easy.
My venting is done outside of work with those close friends on a personal level, a different set of trust rules, and an entirely different environment. It's never mean or petty talk its blowing off steam and laughing till we can't breathe kind of venting.
I'm conciously deciding to stay out of my teams chattering ways. I love them. I work with awesome people. But I'm trying to focus on the customer - our customer by getting my work done and being present in my job. Like I said, it's NOT EASY. It's hard. But I'm doing it. Sure sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on things, but then again, what am I missing? Am I missing hearing cubemates tear someone up? Nah, that's not for me anyway. On the whole, I love everyone I work with, but I don't love the gossipy/negative chatter that prevents me from actually WORKING. So, this is one of my commitments. I need to come up with at least one other to email the leader of the meeting. I came away with some food for thought. I just need to kind of get out of my own way and take ownership of my life. and not just at work - at home as well.
Lately I feel sorta flat, like I'm walking on a path, in winter, with snowboots on. I mean that's a slow ass walk. I just don't know where the path is going, and where is the end? When do I get to stop walking? When can I rest and enjoy myself? I know it sounds grim, and I'm laughing about that description but I don't know how else to put it. Ever have days where you don't know how you got to work? Or you get through the day, come home and do your thing and yet you don't FEEL any of it? I know it's not depression - I know what that is and it's not that - it's just a general malaise that is aggravating me.
I think this career week thing has actually been more helpful than I expected. It's sorta kicked me in the ass a little to take some responsibility for myself and my future. No one else is going to do it for me. I just need to execute my intentions. That's always the hardest part.
**Side note, I got a Kindle. It was a gift from The Dork. I love it. I'm shocked that I love it. I'm a fan of books. Real live books that you can actually hold, touch and feel as you turn each page. I love the smell of books. I have two full bookshelves of books. But, on the other hand, I can't store all the books I have. I can't save them to a harddrive. I've already downloaded three books -
Augusten Burroughs "Magical Thinking"
John Sandfords latest in the "Prey" series (mystery)
and a classic - Sense and Sensibility
I'm almost done with Magical Thinking. I LOVE IT. Augusten is amazingly funny, and his tragic upbringing is incredible and heartrenching and yet he's made it all funny.
I love the fact that I have three books, in one place, that I can take anywhere and read - or with headphones it will read to ME!! Yes, I'm a dork, I know this.
Time to go read. My Kindle is waiting.
For example, what is MY ownership of my own career? I think on a regular basis we all fall into that trap of, "well I do great work, so it's only a matter of time before my boss recognizes it and promotes me." The problem with this mentality is that's not todays workplace. 10 years ago maybe, but not now. The tech savvy generation is here and they expect shit before they even walk in the door. Now you really have to take charge of what you want. So all of yesterday and today I've been asking myself - HOW do I own my future? What steps do I take to make it clear that I consider myself a success, and therefore an asset to the company i work for? I decided the first thing is this: I need to change my attitude about what I'm due. I'm not "due" anything. If I want to exact change to my future at work, then I need to make time with my manager. I can not wait for her to come to me. That's not fair. As I've always said, I'm not a mind reader, and its unfair of me to expect her to be. How can she possibly know what I want if I don't say so? So, I made the first step today in "owning" my career by scheduling a meeting with her to discuss what path I'm on and what goals I want to reach. I guess I finally had a moment where I realized I need to be the one taking the reins here - I can't leave this up to others. I don't know what took me so long to realize this.
Today some of us participated in a meeting about "Culture Change". Different cross sections of the company coming together to discuss what we want our company to look like, what kind of company we want to work for, and what are WE as individuals going to commit to doing to facilitate this change? It was a good discussion, and an honest one. So it got me thinking about little, yet impactful things that I personally can do to contribute. Its a hard question to answer but truly the only real change happens when each person does something and then you can see change as a collective. One thing I've been doing is working my ass off at not getting dragged into negative commentary or petty, hurtful gossip, etc. with my team. Sometimes what gets said seeps into my ears an I just don't want to hear it. Sometimes, it's hard. We all have rough days, and we need to vent. I have close friends that I vent to, and it's necessary to move past the emotion and then focus on the good - but the problem with the negativity is that it breeds this defeatist attitude...All it takes is one person with this mindset. If enough people listen to it, and take it in, it's like a disease. It spreads and then the dissatisfaction level rises and then the thought of leaving a place you once loved is easy.
My venting is done outside of work with those close friends on a personal level, a different set of trust rules, and an entirely different environment. It's never mean or petty talk its blowing off steam and laughing till we can't breathe kind of venting.
I'm conciously deciding to stay out of my teams chattering ways. I love them. I work with awesome people. But I'm trying to focus on the customer - our customer by getting my work done and being present in my job. Like I said, it's NOT EASY. It's hard. But I'm doing it. Sure sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on things, but then again, what am I missing? Am I missing hearing cubemates tear someone up? Nah, that's not for me anyway. On the whole, I love everyone I work with, but I don't love the gossipy/negative chatter that prevents me from actually WORKING. So, this is one of my commitments. I need to come up with at least one other to email the leader of the meeting. I came away with some food for thought. I just need to kind of get out of my own way and take ownership of my life. and not just at work - at home as well.
Lately I feel sorta flat, like I'm walking on a path, in winter, with snowboots on. I mean that's a slow ass walk. I just don't know where the path is going, and where is the end? When do I get to stop walking? When can I rest and enjoy myself? I know it sounds grim, and I'm laughing about that description but I don't know how else to put it. Ever have days where you don't know how you got to work? Or you get through the day, come home and do your thing and yet you don't FEEL any of it? I know it's not depression - I know what that is and it's not that - it's just a general malaise that is aggravating me.
I think this career week thing has actually been more helpful than I expected. It's sorta kicked me in the ass a little to take some responsibility for myself and my future. No one else is going to do it for me. I just need to execute my intentions. That's always the hardest part.
**Side note, I got a Kindle. It was a gift from The Dork. I love it. I'm shocked that I love it. I'm a fan of books. Real live books that you can actually hold, touch and feel as you turn each page. I love the smell of books. I have two full bookshelves of books. But, on the other hand, I can't store all the books I have. I can't save them to a harddrive. I've already downloaded three books -
Augusten Burroughs "Magical Thinking"
John Sandfords latest in the "Prey" series (mystery)
and a classic - Sense and Sensibility
I'm almost done with Magical Thinking. I LOVE IT. Augusten is amazingly funny, and his tragic upbringing is incredible and heartrenching and yet he's made it all funny.
I love the fact that I have three books, in one place, that I can take anywhere and read - or with headphones it will read to ME!! Yes, I'm a dork, I know this.
Time to go read. My Kindle is waiting.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Wanting to wait and ready to run
I don't want much. I want someone, a man preferably to look me in the eyes, and show me that he wants me. I want to gaze back and return the desire given to me. I want to know where I stand without having to guess. I want to look in those eyes and feel like, at that moment, there is no where else he'd rather be than with me. Cause I've been in a place, where you look into the eyes of the one that you love more than anyone in the world and what you see is nothing. I've seen empty eyes with no want, no desire, no love left. It is a place I don't want to go to ever again if I can help it.
Some of these expectations of romance and love are born out of my natural romantic nature. But there is more to that. I grew up in a house in which my father adored my mother. Still does to this day, 41 married years later. She could ask for the moon and he'd find a way to get it for her. Mostly though she just asked (and still does on occasion) for ice cream from Baskin Robbin and he would go out and get it. Never mind that it was usually around 9 pm, he was tired from work, and needed sleep. Nope. Didn't matter. He'd say "tell me what you want and I"ll go." He never complained or even batted an eye. My father buys my mother flowers for no reason. The thing is he's ALWAYS done that. He hits the holidays, but he does it just because he wants her to be happy because he knows its something she loves. If she loves it, then so does he.
Of late my favorite story: my mom drove to Walmart to get a few things. She was feeling really tired by the end of the trip. She was not looking forward to loading everything in the car. She did not know that my father had gone out to run some errands. He had decided to help her out - he drove to Walmart, found my mother's car, parked near her's and waited. Waited for her to come out and loaded everything into the car for her. When people talk about a grand gesture, that is it. She told me later, "I'm so lucky. Your father is so good to me." Yup mom, you're right.
He leaves notes for her in the house telling her he loves her and that he will love her "always and forever". He tells me things like, "well, your mom is at the hair dressers, I hope she gets to relax and enjoy herself. That's all I want for her is to be happy." What does a child of such love do? How do I find the balance between the impossible and the reality? I'm not so delusional to think that they haven't had hardships, or fights, or near walkouts, because I know they have. But at the end of the day there is true companionship and commitment. They get it; but more specifically HE gets it. He understands that love is about giving of yourself without being asked to do it. Without being told, or cajoled or bullied. It's making a gesture because YOU WANT TO. Because you love someone so much that you feel you HAVE to. Compelled by your heart and your mind.
When Springsteen says, in the song "Drive All Night" - "I'd drive all night just to buy you some shoes" He's talking about a guy who is willing to do the grand gesture. He's willing to do the unusual if that is the wish of his lady. It doesn't mean he'd actually buy shoes (although I like to imagine he would, lol) it means he wants to go the distance to prove that their love is worth it.
I've always felt that I'm a open book and my heart on my sleeve. I say what I feel, even if it scares some away. There is no guessing with me. You always know how I feel cause I believe in saying so, and giving 100% to the person or people you love. So while I want the man in my life to be willing to tell me "I want you" or "I need you in my life" or "you're beautiful" I'm equally as willing to say it all right back if not more so. The street of romance is not one sided in my book. I'd also be happy with a "bless you" when I sneeze. I've always said I'm not looking for perfect it doesn't exist. But my standards are high and they fucking should be. My sister and I both have talked about how what we've grown up seeing has shaped the way we love and how we view love. We expect a lot because we know it's possible and it exists. Why strive for 3rd place?
So for now, I'm doing nothing. I'm in a holding pattern that is unsatisfying to say the least.
Oh and a side but related note: not getting enough sex has made me cranky. You know its an issue when the lawn boy mowing the office grass starts to take on epic placement in your daydreams. I was contemplating how to dump water on his head so he'd be forced to take off his shirt...yes that's right I live in the gutter thank you very much. I like it here. ;) Every remotely good looking guy I see in a truck starts to look good to me and I start wondering and wandering....I have a guys mind some days...
and on a totally unrelated note:
I read Eat, Pray, Love. I swear she wrote it for me, and it was an eyeopener. Has also made me think some more about meditation. Ah, but that's another blog entry...
Night kids.
Wanting to wait and ready to run
Maybe in a week
or a month
or a year you'll be ready.
Ready to open your mouth
and speak like you mean it.
Maybe in month
or a year
you'll look me in the eyes
and give me certainty
desire
and want.
Maybe in an hour
a day
or a week
I'll run far and free
till I find the future that
satisfies my mind
and my heart.
Some of these expectations of romance and love are born out of my natural romantic nature. But there is more to that. I grew up in a house in which my father adored my mother. Still does to this day, 41 married years later. She could ask for the moon and he'd find a way to get it for her. Mostly though she just asked (and still does on occasion) for ice cream from Baskin Robbin and he would go out and get it. Never mind that it was usually around 9 pm, he was tired from work, and needed sleep. Nope. Didn't matter. He'd say "tell me what you want and I"ll go." He never complained or even batted an eye. My father buys my mother flowers for no reason. The thing is he's ALWAYS done that. He hits the holidays, but he does it just because he wants her to be happy because he knows its something she loves. If she loves it, then so does he.
Of late my favorite story: my mom drove to Walmart to get a few things. She was feeling really tired by the end of the trip. She was not looking forward to loading everything in the car. She did not know that my father had gone out to run some errands. He had decided to help her out - he drove to Walmart, found my mother's car, parked near her's and waited. Waited for her to come out and loaded everything into the car for her. When people talk about a grand gesture, that is it. She told me later, "I'm so lucky. Your father is so good to me." Yup mom, you're right.
He leaves notes for her in the house telling her he loves her and that he will love her "always and forever". He tells me things like, "well, your mom is at the hair dressers, I hope she gets to relax and enjoy herself. That's all I want for her is to be happy." What does a child of such love do? How do I find the balance between the impossible and the reality? I'm not so delusional to think that they haven't had hardships, or fights, or near walkouts, because I know they have. But at the end of the day there is true companionship and commitment. They get it; but more specifically HE gets it. He understands that love is about giving of yourself without being asked to do it. Without being told, or cajoled or bullied. It's making a gesture because YOU WANT TO. Because you love someone so much that you feel you HAVE to. Compelled by your heart and your mind.
When Springsteen says, in the song "Drive All Night" - "I'd drive all night just to buy you some shoes" He's talking about a guy who is willing to do the grand gesture. He's willing to do the unusual if that is the wish of his lady. It doesn't mean he'd actually buy shoes (although I like to imagine he would, lol) it means he wants to go the distance to prove that their love is worth it.
I've always felt that I'm a open book and my heart on my sleeve. I say what I feel, even if it scares some away. There is no guessing with me. You always know how I feel cause I believe in saying so, and giving 100% to the person or people you love. So while I want the man in my life to be willing to tell me "I want you" or "I need you in my life" or "you're beautiful" I'm equally as willing to say it all right back if not more so. The street of romance is not one sided in my book. I'd also be happy with a "bless you" when I sneeze. I've always said I'm not looking for perfect it doesn't exist. But my standards are high and they fucking should be. My sister and I both have talked about how what we've grown up seeing has shaped the way we love and how we view love. We expect a lot because we know it's possible and it exists. Why strive for 3rd place?
So for now, I'm doing nothing. I'm in a holding pattern that is unsatisfying to say the least.
Oh and a side but related note: not getting enough sex has made me cranky. You know its an issue when the lawn boy mowing the office grass starts to take on epic placement in your daydreams. I was contemplating how to dump water on his head so he'd be forced to take off his shirt...yes that's right I live in the gutter thank you very much. I like it here. ;) Every remotely good looking guy I see in a truck starts to look good to me and I start wondering and wandering....I have a guys mind some days...
and on a totally unrelated note:
I read Eat, Pray, Love. I swear she wrote it for me, and it was an eyeopener. Has also made me think some more about meditation. Ah, but that's another blog entry...
Night kids.
Wanting to wait and ready to run
Maybe in a week
or a month
or a year you'll be ready.
Ready to open your mouth
and speak like you mean it.
Maybe in month
or a year
you'll look me in the eyes
and give me certainty
desire
and want.
Maybe in an hour
a day
or a week
I'll run far and free
till I find the future that
satisfies my mind
and my heart.
Monday, August 9, 2010
My past meets the future
One step up two steps back. I think that's a Springsteen song. It's kind of how I feel today. and yesterday. Let me start at the beginning -
My ex and his girlfriend are in the process of moving back into the house that my ex and I bought together many years ago. While, in theory, I"m fine with this, in reality it's wrecking a bit of havoc with my mind and my heart. I knew the time would come when I'd walk back into that house, I'd see abby in it, I might even be hanging out by the pool again. It's been two years since I've set foot on the property let alone the house. Abby was dying to see her dad, and I'm never a bitch about that. Her father is important to her, and if she wants to see him I will do whatever I can to make that happen just as I know he'd do the same for me. So I called him up, and I brought abby over. I knew that this day would come eventually and I'd have to face the past and see the future all at the same time. You don't think this kind of shit will affect you when it's been over two years. I was thinking to myself, "No big deal. Who cares. It's only a house. It's like a new place. It's not yours anymore. You're so over it." I am over it. I'm over all of it, but it doesn't mean that the memories and the moments don't sink back into the grey matter. I walked in the house and it's been cleaned, and its painted and looking fresh and new. New like it did the first time. It wasn't so much the way the house looked, or being inside it that affected me, it was the entire concept of seeing my past and viewing a future all at the same time. I can remember us laughing about all the idiotic things the original owner had done. All the plans we had...the flowers I planted. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a little surreal.
The ex and I will always be special to each other, we created life and that bond never disappears; but we weren't meant to be. I know he's in love and happy with the girlfriend. She's nice, I like her. We get along quite well funny enough. But I can't help but feel like I"m watching my life all over again. Logically I know that's stupid. I know that's not possible. But still I feel like I"m watching a movie and the actors are the same.
I was fine while I was there, and it does look nice. I got back to my apartment, and I was feeling calm about it, and yet I started to feel sad. Sad for all the things that never were, sad for what died, and just plain sad. I kept it together and didn't cry for a few hours. Later I did. While talking to the boyfriend. Bringing his hammered state (he's in CA with his best friend) to a grinding halt. I couldn't help it. I heard his voice and I just melted and couldn't quite keep it together anymore. I told him it was hard. Harder than I thought it would be. He understood.
I know next time, (and yes there will be a next time I'm sure) I'll be totally fine. In the back of my mind somewhere I knew this first pass through the house would be tough. I guess I somehow glazed over that when I drove over there yesterday. I somehow thought it would not matter. That was dumb. Of course it matters. It's my past, it was my life for about 8 years. You can't erase the bits that cause you pain and in turn joy. They coexist together and you can choose which to feel but they never go away. They heal, they scab over, but really it's all just under the surface.
I shed a tear or two for the past, for the things I missed about that place. I'll get over it, I'll move on and someday I'll be in a house again (I hope) and new joyful events will occur that fill my heart with peace. Right now, it's just hard. and you know, I don't want them to not be excited or happy. They should be. It's a new start for them both together. They have every right to be happy and in love. So I'm not trying to shit on anyone's parade. I'm just getting used to the idea that my past, my history is not really my own to cart around. It's been reopened and repurposed. Abby has no recollection of ever being there. She shouldn't she was a baby when she was there. It's all new for her which is great. I want it to be fun for her and a great experience. I know it was for me.
My ex and his girlfriend are in the process of moving back into the house that my ex and I bought together many years ago. While, in theory, I"m fine with this, in reality it's wrecking a bit of havoc with my mind and my heart. I knew the time would come when I'd walk back into that house, I'd see abby in it, I might even be hanging out by the pool again. It's been two years since I've set foot on the property let alone the house. Abby was dying to see her dad, and I'm never a bitch about that. Her father is important to her, and if she wants to see him I will do whatever I can to make that happen just as I know he'd do the same for me. So I called him up, and I brought abby over. I knew that this day would come eventually and I'd have to face the past and see the future all at the same time. You don't think this kind of shit will affect you when it's been over two years. I was thinking to myself, "No big deal. Who cares. It's only a house. It's like a new place. It's not yours anymore. You're so over it." I am over it. I'm over all of it, but it doesn't mean that the memories and the moments don't sink back into the grey matter. I walked in the house and it's been cleaned, and its painted and looking fresh and new. New like it did the first time. It wasn't so much the way the house looked, or being inside it that affected me, it was the entire concept of seeing my past and viewing a future all at the same time. I can remember us laughing about all the idiotic things the original owner had done. All the plans we had...the flowers I planted. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a little surreal.
The ex and I will always be special to each other, we created life and that bond never disappears; but we weren't meant to be. I know he's in love and happy with the girlfriend. She's nice, I like her. We get along quite well funny enough. But I can't help but feel like I"m watching my life all over again. Logically I know that's stupid. I know that's not possible. But still I feel like I"m watching a movie and the actors are the same.
I was fine while I was there, and it does look nice. I got back to my apartment, and I was feeling calm about it, and yet I started to feel sad. Sad for all the things that never were, sad for what died, and just plain sad. I kept it together and didn't cry for a few hours. Later I did. While talking to the boyfriend. Bringing his hammered state (he's in CA with his best friend) to a grinding halt. I couldn't help it. I heard his voice and I just melted and couldn't quite keep it together anymore. I told him it was hard. Harder than I thought it would be. He understood.
I know next time, (and yes there will be a next time I'm sure) I'll be totally fine. In the back of my mind somewhere I knew this first pass through the house would be tough. I guess I somehow glazed over that when I drove over there yesterday. I somehow thought it would not matter. That was dumb. Of course it matters. It's my past, it was my life for about 8 years. You can't erase the bits that cause you pain and in turn joy. They coexist together and you can choose which to feel but they never go away. They heal, they scab over, but really it's all just under the surface.
I shed a tear or two for the past, for the things I missed about that place. I'll get over it, I'll move on and someday I'll be in a house again (I hope) and new joyful events will occur that fill my heart with peace. Right now, it's just hard. and you know, I don't want them to not be excited or happy. They should be. It's a new start for them both together. They have every right to be happy and in love. So I'm not trying to shit on anyone's parade. I'm just getting used to the idea that my past, my history is not really my own to cart around. It's been reopened and repurposed. Abby has no recollection of ever being there. She shouldn't she was a baby when she was there. It's all new for her which is great. I want it to be fun for her and a great experience. I know it was for me.
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